Sequel: One Year ›
Status: One Shot. Please Comment :)
Last Christmas
Last Christmas
The car ride was almost unbearable. The small emerald green vehicle was quickly making its way to the one place Makayla never wanted to visit again. The memories from last year were still fresh in her mind. It wasn’t just the embarrassment and humiliation that had hurt. It was the complete destruction of her heart that had done the most damage to her. With two words and a flimsy attempt at an apology he had crushed her heart, smiting it into a million little pieces. The pieces were small, but sharp and dangerous as they cut through every fibre of her being. The pain had been intense and acute. She couldn’t remember ever feeling such crippling hurt and vulnerability. Even after twelve months the wounds had still not fully healed. She wasn’t ready for what her so called ‘friends’ were forcing her to do. She needed more time and distance.
‘You’ve had enough time to lick your wounds Makayla. You’ve punished him enough already. Just move on, for both your sakes.’
Those were the wise words from Sandra, who was currently sitting in the car with Makayla. Makayla had the back of the car to herself, while Sandra sat in the passenger seat beside Ray. Makayla had refused to go at first. She ignored the phone calls and angry texts from Sandra, and the exasperated pleading from Ray to be the bigger person and ‘suck it up.’ Even the one person she never wanted to hear from again had sent her a message, asking her to come. She had sent him a very blunt message back, informing him that she would rather spend the days running up to Christmas alone than spend it anywhere near him. She knew she was being a bitch. The whole situation was unfair though. She didn’t understand how everyone could just paint her as the bad guy when she was the one who had gotten hurt. Albeit it wasn’t deliberate on his part, but that didn’t make her feel any better. It didn’t ease the sting. She couldn’t just forgive and forget. She wouldn’t. She had given him her heart and he just threw it back in her face as though it was nothing.
‘Makayla’ Sandra’s exasperated voice invaded the car ‘we want you to be here, okay? This had been our tradition for the last three years, please don’t ruin it just because you’ve decided to be bitter and resentful. If Gerard had meant to hurt you it would be different. But he didn’t. I know it doesn’t make it less painful but you have to start letting go. He misses you, you know?’
‘Yeah, well he should have thought of that before-‘
‘Before what Kyla? He can’t help how he feels or who he loves.’ Sandra was angry, increasing the volume of her voice ‘You need closure, and this is the way to get it. Talk to him. Yell at him, throw something, whatever. Just get it out of your system before you turn into your mother!’
Makayla sucked in a gasp of surprise at Sandra’s words. Makayla and her mother didn’t get along. Her mother never got over her father’s infidelity and she had become a bitter middle aged woman because of it. To be compared to her mother in such a way was a low blow, even for Sandra.
‘I’m sorry’ Sandra backtracked, giving Ray a nervous glance while he kept his eyes on the road, not getting involved in the argument. ‘It’s just, it’s been hard on everyone okay? It’s tough when you’re been forced to choose between two of your closest friends. Can’t you just try to make this a little easier?’Sandra reasoned.
Makayla didn’t answer. Instead she set her eyes to look out the window, watching the scenery go by as they made their way to the cabin they had rented for the last three years at Christmas time. When college had ended they started the tradition as a way to ensure that no matter what they would see each other before the year ran out. They went to college and now lived in the same city, but they had grown up in different states so for a couple of weeks over Christmas they would be separated. It had been Gerard’s idea to have their own Christmas before they went back to their families for the holidays. It use to be the thing she looked forward to the most out of all the events she had planned for the year, now it was tainted by the bitterness of unrequited love.
She had it all planned out. She would finally tell Gerard how she felt about him after all this time. She had spent the last four years pining, hoping that she wasn’t reading too much into the little smiles he always threw her way and the way he’d hold her hand when they went out drinking. He was her rock, her everything. He had become the most important person in her life. He had held her when she was reduced to tears when her father took a heart attack. When the stress of final year exams had gotten to her he had been there to remind her that it was only college. He had kept her company when she was feeling alone and unloved while her friends were out with their boyfriends. He made her feel special, wanted and need. He made her feel loved. He never made a move though. She had been convinced at one point that maybe he just wasn’t interested, but he was far too affectionate and clingy with her. He didn’t treat Sandra and Naomi like that. He treated her differently to his other female friends. The late night heart to hearts’, the secret smiles and longing glances had to mean more than just feelings of friendship. She waited for him to say something but he never did. Then she wondered if he was waiting for her to make a move. Tonight, on the last night before they went home, she would finally spill her secret.
She was shaking the whole day, her stomach in knots and her breathing slightly off as her body tried to deal with the adrenaline overload. The idea of telling him was daunting at best, and absolutely terrifying at worst. The alternative of spending the rest of her life wondering what could have been was a far more horrifying thought than rejection. The not knowing was keeping her up at night as she read into every little interaction they had. She couldn’t keep holding on to some fanciful ideal anymore. She needed something more, something real. She needed to know the truth. She had always been shy when it came to men, but Gerard was the first guy she ever felt comfortable around even when the butterflies were going crazy in her stomach.
The car came to a stop, pulling Makayla out of her reminiscing. Gerard’s silver car was already there in front of the wooden cabin. Makayla felt the panic being to stir in her chest, her brain starting to frazzle as too many thoughts ran through her head. She wasn’t ready to face him again. It was too much for her to handle.
‘Kayla, it’s going to be okay. What happened hurt him just as much as it hurt you. When you talk to him I’ll think you’ll realise that’ Ray spoke for the first time now that he wasn’t driving.
‘I doubt that somehow’ she muttered in response, earning a frustrated groan from Ray.
‘Just try not to be a bitch!’ he snapped before storming out of the car.
Makayla sighed, aware that she had pushed everyone to their limits over the last year. She did feel bad that she had forced them into situation where they had to choose one or the other. If Gerard was invited anywhere she wouldn’t go. In trying to make her point to Gerard she had hurt all of them. She understood why Sandra and Ray were pushing it. Naomi and Bob had sent her messages as well, asking her to try and make peace. They couldn’t understand that it wasn’t a simple argument that could be fixed by an apology. Her heart was damaged beyond repair and it was because of Gerard. Somewhere deep down inside she knew it wasn’t his fault either. He didn’t deserve the way she cut him off but it was hard to tell her heart that. With a heavy groan she unbuckled her belt and opened the car door, scrambling out of the car before slamming the door shut. The snow crunched beneath her feet as she hurried to catch up with Sandra and Ray, who had taken her bag out of the car boot. Ray opened the door just as she caught up with them. She followed Sandra inside, feeling the warmth of the cabin immediately. She shivered from the temperature change.
‘We’re here!’ Ray called out as they walked into the sitting room.
There was a fire blazing in the fire place, with everyone’s stockings hung up already, except for Makayla’s. She couldn’t blame them, as far as they were aware she wasn’t coming. The tree was up and decorated, and the mulled wine and cinnamon scented candle was doing its job well. There were other various Christmas decorations spread out around the room. The place was exactly the same as it was last year. They were lucky Gerard’s uncle let them do this every year. If it was her cabin, she would spend every Christmas in it, not just the summers like Gerard’s uncle did. Taking in the sight of the room, it felt like Christmas and Makayla let herself enjoy the warmth it enveloped her in. She was excited about Christmas for the first time since last year. Maybe, just maybe, she could enjoy it this year.
‘Hey guys! What took you so long?’
The familiar New Jersey drawl hit her like a dead weight as his heavy steps thundered into the room. Her spine stiffened along with her entire body, her heart stopping for a split second. She wasn’t ready to face him. She shouldn’t be here. She couldn’t turn around and see his face, not when she remembered how the smile on it used to be the only remedy she needed when she felt low. Now it was the cause of her misery. There was an awkward silence as he saw her standing with her back facing him. She could only imagine the worried look on everyone’s face as they waited for her reaction. Mustering up her courage she made herself turn around.
He hadn’t changed. His dark hair was still the same, his skin the same blemish free complexion it had been last year. His eyes still sparkled like always. He looked good, much to her chagrin.
‘Hey’ his voice was softer this time as their eyes met, the sparkle in them dimming down.
‘Hi’ she croaked out, sounding as pathetic as she felt.
‘Let’s go get some wine’ Sandra murmured, pulling Ray out of the room with her.
The two of them were left alone in the room, both of them afraid to make the first move. Gerard opened his mouth to say something, when the sound of heavy boots filled the silence before a man Makayla never met before entered the room. He was short in stature, but that didn’t detract from his good looks. His face was lit up with a smile, which was boyish and charming all at once. He spotted Makayla straight away.
‘You must be Sandra, I’m Frank’ he spoke, his voice friendly and deep.
Makayla wanted to vomit, right there on the floor.
‘Frank, this is Makayla’ Gerard’s hushed voice interrupted before the situation could become more awkward.
‘Oh’ Frank’s face fell, informing Makayla that he knew what had happened between Gerard and Makayla last year.
‘I shouldn’t have come’ Makayla whispered in a broken voice before rushing out of the room, walking past the two men and entering the kitchen where Sandra and Ray were sitting at the table, accompanied by Bob and Naomi.
‘How could you?’ Makayla spat at them before they could question them ‘you knew Frank was here! You knew he was here and you convinced me to come along. Some great friends you are!’
‘Who are you talking about? Calm down!’ Sandra tried to reason.
‘Frank. He brought Frank with him.’
‘Shit, I didn’t know Kayla. I swear I didn’t know. If he knew you were coming-‘
‘I’m not staying!’ she interrupted Sandra.
‘Look, you’re here now. We’re an hour away from the nearest town. Just…just sit down, have a drink, okay?’
She took in Sandra’s worried face, Ray’s uncomfortable expression and the look of unease on Bob’s and Naomi’s face. She took in a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down. This wasn’t their fault, and it wasn’t their problem. It never had been, but she had forced them to take on some of the burden from her shredded heart. She had told everyone she wouldn’t come, how could she really blame Gerard for bringing Frank when he assumed she wouldn’t be there?
‘No’ Makayla muttered, shaking her head ‘I just..I’m going to go for a walk, okay? Clear my head.’
They all appeared to feel relieved that she wasn’t overreacting as badly as they’d anticipated. She exited the cabin through the back door, thankful that she was wearing leather boots that could handle a bit of snow. She wrapped her arms around herself, regretting not wearing a scarf as she walked down the now snow laden path that lead to the lake. In the summer she imagined the lake would be a fantastic place to visit. It was large enough to go ski boating, and perfect for fishing as well. Gerard had told her many a story of his summers spent with his little brother and parents before they divorced. She let her thoughts run riot as she treaded the path, wondering how she should conduct herself for the next couple of days. The hurt was still raw, that was proven by her reaction to meeting Frank. She felt slightly ashamed of it now, but the intensity of the feeling at that moment had been too much for her to do anything else. She had merely walked out; it could have been a lot worse. She could have screamed or cried if she had no self respect or pride left. She wanted to leave, very badly. Seeing Gerard and being that close to him, maybe it was too much. Sandra believed this was the best way for them to resolve their issues but Makayla wasn’t so sure. A coffee date would have sufficed, where they could talk alone without worrying about others overhearing or interfering. They could walk away if things got too heated or painful. Stuck as they were now, where there was no way to get proper space away from each other, might only lead to further frustration and anger. She would also have to deal with seeing Gerard and Frank together. That was something she needed to work herself up to, but now she was thrown in the deep end. She shook her head, not wishing to think about the thought of the two of them, cuddling and kissing. Instead, she let her mind wonder back to the night where everything changed.
Everyone was in bed, exhausted after a day of drinking and doing nothing. Gerard was the only other person still awake besides her. She had walked into the kitchen, offering to get another bottle of wine. The reality was that she was gathering up her courage to finally talk to Gerard about her feelings. The red wine was necessary for her to loosen up, to give her a boost of Dutch courage to put her heart on the line. The hand that held the bottle was shaking dangerously as she poured the red substance into the two glasses. Her attempts to stop it were futile, her nerves were just too on edge and it had to be released somehow. If Gerard noticed she could put it down to how cold the kitchen was, especially after leaving the warm fire in the sitting room. Her hopes and expectations were exceedingly high, and her heart unwilling to listen to her brain as it tried to remind her that it may not go the way she wants. In her mind there was no other person in the world that could make her happy. There was no other person who she wanted to make happy. Her future happiness was riding on hearing the words ‘I love you too’ tonight.
She strolled back into the sitting room, the two large glasses in tightly clutched hands to avoid dropping them. She took a seat beside Gerard who was relaxing in front of the fire. He took the offered glass with a grateful ‘thanks’, smiling his signature side smirk as she got settled on the couch.
‘So, are you gonna tell me what’s up?’ Gerard asked casually, his observant eyes watching her shocked pose and taking it as a confirmation that something was bugging her.
‘I don’t know what you mean’ she replied with ease, masking her surprise. She needed to do it her way, if Gerard forced her to say it, it would only come out all wrong and whiney which was the last thing she wanted.
‘C’mon Kayla, I know something’s troubling you. You’ve been twitchy all day.’
‘Twitchy’ she snorted in spite of herself.
‘Yes, twitchy’ he laughed ‘You’re clumsier than usual. I’m surprised you didn’t drop the bottle when you were out there. Whatever it is, you can tell me.’
‘I know, it’s not that, just…in my own time, okay’ she demanded.
He sighed, unhappy but accepting her need to take her time.
‘Okay, but you know I’m here for you, right?’ he asked.
‘I know you are…you always have been. There for me, I mean.’ She let out a shaky breath, nerves getting the best of her.
‘And I always will be. You’re my best friend; I’d do anything for you.’ His tone was so simple, reassuring and unintentionally raising Makayla’s hopes.
‘I’d do anything for you too. I…I love you.’ Kayla whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her.
‘I love you too’ he responded with a smile, not understanding the full meaning of her words.
‘No, Gerard, I’m IN love with you.’
The sentence was met with a stunned silence. The only sound that could be heard was the crackling of the fire as Gerard’s face changed from a relaxed expression to one of pure shock.
‘Kayla, I-‘ The tone of his voice was full of impending rejection.
Kayla’s body reacted before her head could, pressing herself closer into Gerard and placing a kiss on his lips. He moaned in surprise, his eyes opening wide while his body was paralysed by the suddenness of the situation. Kayla broke the kiss after a few second, her round blue eyes steadily gazing into his in search for a response.
‘Kayla, I’m gay.’
Kayla laughed. Not a pleasant one, but a short, sharp laugh filled with disbelief.
‘You’re-what?’
He turned away from her, refusing to meet her eyes as he stared at his hands which were clutching his glass tightly.
‘I think I’m gay…or maybe bi, I don’t know. I met someone, his name is Frank-‘
The words he spoke were sinking into Kayla’s mind.
‘Oh my God’ her voice was laced with shock, her free hand covering her mouth as though she were about to vomit. Her stomach felt like it now filled with nothing but bile, her mouth filling with a taste of disgust. Worst of all was the pain that was slowly beginning to spread throughout her entire being as the reality of what had just happened started to become all the more real as she watched the man before her shake as he spoke the words he’d been afraid to utter to anyone else. She stood up from the couch, letting herself become angry to mask the deep hurt and humiliation she felt. He reached out to clasp her hand, desperate to make her stay and understand. She tore her hand out of his reach with a vicious pull, unwilling to acknowledge the hurt that shone through his hazel orbs.
‘Kayla, please’ he begged, tears filling his eyes as he saw her emotions shut down so that nothing but anger could be felt.
‘I can’t believe this. All this time you made me believe you felt something more for me. You led me on this whole time-‘ she rambled.
‘No, it wasn’t like that. I’m sorry if you ever thought I was leading you on. You’re my best friend Kayla, I never wanted to hurt you.’
‘Well it’s too late for that. You just did.’
She ignored his pleading as she ran up the stairs and locked herself in the bedroom she occupied, tears streaming down her face as the anguish, hurt and betrayal overwhelmed her.
She left the next day, refusing to talk to Gerard despite his attempts to get her to listen to him. His tearful voice wasn’t enough to make her relent. Her heart was too broken to see beyond her own emotional crisis. The memory was still painful, the humiliation and anger sharp enough to flush her cheeks. Her steps towards the lake became hurried and uneasy, racing to increase the distance between her and the source of her pain. Her heart hadn’t mended since that day, and in its fury it had made her a woman truly scorned. Her actions were unlike her, her desire to hurt Gerard uncharacteristic of the normal loving person she was but his rejection had changed her. It killed the best part of her. Her eyes filled with tears, blurring her vision as she continued her journey. She hated the angry person she had become. Her musings were cut short when she went flying to the ground, her water filled eyes blocking the branch on the ground from her vision. The snow cushioned the fall, but the freezing temperature of the fluffy ice was painful in itself.
‘Shit, are you okay?’ A deep male voice echoed in the air before a gentle but strong hand grabbed her arms, pulling her to her feet before she could muster a reply.
Her face was flushed with embarrassment as she patted her coat and jeans down. When she finally paid attention to the man in front of her she was glad her blushing cheeks could be put down to the cold air. His light brown hair was sticking out from underneath his black beanie, which matched the scarf he was wearing. His brown hazel eyes were familiar and hidden behind black rimmed glasses. His nose was straight and perfectly proportioned. He was a good looking man, even if he was too young for her. He looked no more than twenty one; his face was too carefree and free of stress lines for him to be any older. He watched her with a concerned expression when she didn’t answer. She blushed crimson when she realised she was officially staring in the creepiest way imaginable.
‘Yeah, I’m fine. I wasn’t watching where I was walking’ she mumbled, mortified at her clumsiness.
‘As long as you’re okay. I take it you’re one of Gerard’s friends?’ he asked, his tone friendly.
‘Uh-huh. I’m Makayla, but everyone calls me Kayla’ she offered her hand out for a handshake. She was shocked by the change in his expression, which went from cheerful to angry in seconds. His eyes narrowed at her.
‘You’re Kayla? I’m surprised you had the balls to show your face’ he spat with distaste.
‘Excuse me?’ she asked incredulously, outraged and bemused at the sudden turn in conversation.
‘I’m Mikey, Gerard’s younger brother. I can’t believe you would come here after the way you treated him.’
‘How I treated him? What the hell-‘
‘Oh please, don’t give me that bullshit innocence. You’ve made his life hell for the last year. You were his best friend and you fucking abandoned him when he needed you the most, and if that wasn’t enough you’ve isolated him from his friends. If you had any decency you would leave and let him move on with his real friends.’
He didn’t give her the chance to defend herself before he stalked off, the thick black coat he wore not concealing the angry way his shoulders shook as he walked in the direction of the cabin. Kayla stood still in shock in the freezing cold, astounded by what had just happened. The words he had angrily spat at her were stuck in her mind, replying in her mind like a bad record you hated but once you heard it, it would never leave your head. Gerard had spoken about Mikey constantly whenever they were together. He had described Mikey as ‘the nicest person you’ll ever meet’. The man she had just met was anything but nice. In a few seconds he had made her feel like she was less than nothing, his words overly harsh and hurtful. She was the injured person in all this, not Gerard. He had led her on, made her believe that something could happen between them. She had invested herself completely in him and what they could be and he had tossed her aside with no consideration when she had plucked up the courage to tell him how she felt.
The cold air was seeping into her bones, forcing her to continue walking in the damp snow. The callous words hit a nerve with Kayla. It didn’t take a lot of reflection to realise the smarting sensation wasn’t hurt or anger, but guilt and shame. Ray had spoken similar sentiments to her before but they had never held the same spite and bitterness that Mikey had so carelessly flung at her. His anger was righteous and understandable. He had pointed out her malice towards the person who had meant the world to her. If she had truly loved him, how could she treat him with such disdain and nastiness? The thoughts made for uncomfortable consideration. She took a step back from her emotions to try to analysis her behaviour over the last twelve months. As an outsider looking in, she could see how her actions could be seen as nothing but cold and bitchy, taking vengeance to a new low as she did her best to force her closest friends to choose between her and Gerard. Tears formed and fell down her face in shame when she looked at the situation from a different perspective. She had let her broken heart dictate her actions without considering the damage she was inflicting. She had hurt Gerard far more than he had hurt her, and yet he had continued to try and make peace.
With a heavy sigh she realised now it was her turn to do the same. She had to forgive and move on. She would never move on with her life if she continued to focus on one bad memory. That’s all it was now, a memory. A memory that she was refusing to let die. She was the source of her own pain now, not Gerard. Resigned to her fate, she turned and retraced her footsteps back to the cabin. She had to fix the situation she’d created. The snow crunched beneath her boots, drawing a smile from her as she remembered how much she loved snow when she was a child. The texture of it, how bright it made the landscape, having to wrap up warm to fight the cold; it was all part of the reason why winter was her favourite season. There was a sense that everything bad in that had happened throughout the year was about to die, and a fresh beginning was just on the horizon. Now, as an adult, that concept was more important than ever. The trials and tribulations of being a grown up were tough and life threw many unexpected surprises. Christmas and the New Year was the reset button that was so badly needed for people to get through life in one piece. For once, Kayla was glad. Her life needed it, starting from now.
When the cabin came within her sight she saw a lone figure waiting on the porch, a steaming mug in hand. She bit her lip and decided that now was the time to get everything out in the open. She looked her in the eye as she took the three steps to enter the porch.
‘I made you tea’ Gerard reached down to the ground, pulling a thermal mug that was still hot when Kayla’s cold hands took it from him.
‘Thanks.’
‘I saw Mikey storming in. I’m guessing you two didn’t have the best of introductions?’ he smirked, not too concerned by it.
‘Not really’ she didn’t go into the details, deciding she’d rather forget about his hurtful words.
‘I’m sorry about that, he shouldn’t have said anything to you. It wasn’t his place’ Gerard apologised for something that wasn’t his fault, in true Gerard form.
‘Maybe it was. Everything he said was true, and I needed to hear it. I just…I was hurt. I don’t open myself up to people often. I learnt early on that I have a habit of forming unrealistic expectations of the people I care about the most. When I eventually get let down I don’t take it well.’ Kayla was rambling, but she felt like every word that was coming out of her mouth needed to be said.
‘I’m so sorry-‘
‘Let me finish’ she cut him off rudely ‘ I got hurt, and I let myself be blinded by it. I refused to hear you out and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting everyone in a position that forced them to choose sides. Most of all, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you lately, and I’m sorry that you were right not to trust telling me about your sexuality.’
Gerard’s eyes widened in shock before he started his own rambling.
‘I’m sorry too. You were right, I did lead you on. I was afraid of coming out and I used you to cover it up. I wanted everyone to believe I was just too shy to ask you out, that way nobody would question why I never had a girlfriend. You were so fun and easy to be around and I suppose at some point I forgot to hold myself back. I set you up to be hurt, and you’ll never know how sorry I am so that. You were, are, my best friend Kayla. You know more about me than anybody else and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want the friendship we had to be destroyed over one mistake.’ His words were rushed, obviously thought about and rehearsed.
‘After all I did to you why would want to be my friend Gerard? I’ve treated you like shit because I couldn’t accept who you are. I don’t deserve your friendship or forgiveness. Not for what I’ve done.’
‘Friendship isn’t about what we deserve Kayla. You have it, and you always will. I hope with time I can earn yours back in return.’
‘How about this… Let’s agree, right here, right now, to a new slate. Everything bad that happened the last year is gone. We’ll reset our friendship back to the moment before I opened my mouth and screwed everything up.’
‘I’d like that’ he whispered, his voice cracking with emotion.
‘So…tell me about Frank.’
‘Why don’t we go inside and you can meet him. My ass is freezing out here.’
He lead her back inside, where everyone was sitting around the fire with Irish Coffees in hand. The chatter that had so loud when they stepped inside stalled, all eyes on Kayla as they tried to judge what was going to happen.
‘Jesus guys, lighten up. It’s Christmas.’ Gerard rolled his eyes, his smile wide
His words were met with a nervous laughter and an evil glare from Mikey in Kayla’s direction. Kayla met and returned the glare. He words may have been the kick she needed but that didn’t mean she was going to take his behaviour lying down.
‘I’m going to get some wine, does anybody want some?’ Kayla asked, showing Mikey that she wasn’t going to let him get to her.
‘I’ll help’ Sandra offered, getting off her seat with inhuman speed and dragging Kayla out to the kitchen.
‘What happen?’ Were the first words spoken the minute the wooden door shut behind them. Kayla rolled her eyes and went to grab the glasses.
‘I went for a walk, cooled down. Gerard was outside when I came back and we talk. We got everything out and we agreed to put the past behind us. Not much to tell.’ Kayla explained as though she hadn’t spent the last year with a vendetta against the man.
‘What about Mikey?’ Sandra’s eyes were widened with interest.
‘The guy is an asshole. He met me and proceeded to lecture me on my behaviour. Granted he was right, but still he’s an ass. Why is he here anyway?’ Kayla asked without disguising her distaste for the younger Way brother.
‘Give the guy a break Kayla, he just broke up with his girlfriend or something. Gerard thought it might be good for him to get away and have fun instead of moping. He’s a nice guy, or he was until he met you. You should have seen him when he came in, I swear you could literally see the steam coming out of his ears ’ Sandra giggled.
‘With an attitude like that no wonder his girlfriend broke up with him’ Kayla muttered.
‘Don’t be so mean. He’s a nice guy, you’d like him if you gave him a chance. Plus he’s kinda cute, don’t you think?’
Kayla’s spider sense tingled; she could spot when Sandra was on match make mode.
‘Don’t even think about Sandra! The guy is too young, and anyway after the way he yelled at me I’m far from his favourite person!’
‘Whatever you say, Kayla. There’s a fine line between passion and hate. C’mon, let’s go and celebrate!’ Sandra ordered, grabbing glasses while Kayla carried the wine.
Later that night they were well and truly drunk. The atmosphere was cheerful, and Kayla had to grudgingly admit that Frank and Gerard was a good match. They seemed to get each other in a way that only people that were meant to be together can. It was bittersweet to watch, but after a while it became clear to Kayla that they were happy and in love. Frank was funny, and sweet. He pulled Kayla aside at one point in an effort to get to know her. She could see he was nervous and desperate for her to accept him. The only downside of the night was the cold shoulder Mikey had given her. She took it without batting an eyelash; she had spent too long being miserable to let one person’s childish behaviour ruin her night. It was two in the morning before they all decided they had enough and needed to get some sleep.
‘Shit’ Gerard exclaimed as everyone stood up.
‘What’s wrong?’ Frank asked, placing a hand on Gerard’s arm.
‘We don’t have enough beds in the house. Someone’s going to have to sleep on the couch.’
‘Seeing as Kayla showed up last minute it should be her’ Mikey cut through the awkward silence in a heartbeat, ignoring the bewildered expressions directed at him.
‘He’s right, I showed up last minute, I’ll take the couch. It’s no big deal’ Kayla clenched her fists, using all her restraint to not knock Mikey’s teeth out.
‘Are you sure?’ Gerard asked, shooting Mikey a glare who just shrugged his shoulders.
‘It’s fine, honestly.’ She assured him, genuinely not bothered by the idea of sleeping on the couch.
That was until she woke up at half four, shivering from the sudden drop in temperature. The bedrooms were able to hold in a little bit of heat, coupled with the heavy blankets which made the beds quite pleasant to sleep in. Kayla had been left with a blanket that had sufficed when the fire had been lit. Now that it was out it did nothing to keep her warm. She curled up in a ball underneath the think material in hope that it would keep her warm. By the time six o’clock hit she was still awake and shivering worse than before. She would have built another fire but she had no idea how to do it. She regretted not paying attention when her father had tried to show her how to make a fire. She admitted defeat and threw the blanket off her in a fit of anger. She threw on an extra jumper and decided that a hot cup of coffee was her best chance at not turning into ice.
Her hands shook and trembled as she the coffee machine with the necessary water and coffee. She had just switched the machine on when the kitchen door creaked, making her jolt in fright. Her fright turned to annoyance at the sight of Mikey, whose hair was adorably tousled from sleep. Not that she thought he was adorable. He was an asshole, and too young on top of the many other faults she was sure he had. She turned her back on him almost as soon as she saw him. She was tired, cranky and not in the mood to deal with his bitchiness. She didn’t greet him or acknowledge his existence even though she could feel his eyes bore into her back. She expected him to walk out again but instead he began rifling through the presses, pulling out a bag of sugar and a tin of creamer and setting them on the counter beside her. He then pulled out two cups and placed them next to the sugar and creamer. His movements were languid and suggested that he was just as tired as she was. When the machine clicked Kayla poured the coffee out in the two mugs before grabbing one for herself and sitting at the table. Mikey walked out of the room, leaving his coffee on the counter without so much as a thank you to Kayla. She pulled a face when the door shut behind him, leaving Kayla in peace. It was short lived when he arrived back in five minutes later, grabbing his coffee and muttering ‘The fire’s lit’ before strolling back out. Kayla wrestled her desire to stay away from him and her need for warmth. The latter won, forcing her to reluctantly walk back to the couch she had occupied. She scowled at the sight of him taking up a seat on her ‘bed’, preventing her from being able to fall back asleep. She sat down on the other end of the couch, curling her feet on the couch and greedily taking in the warmth. There was an odd sort of peace as the two of them sat in silence, drinking their coffees and taking comfort in the heat of the fire. She had to admit Mikey had his uses.
‘Thanks for the coffee’ he spoke out of nowhere, his voice hoarse from lack of sleep.
‘Thanks for the fire’ she replied.
‘Sorry for being a dick. I was out of order.’
Her eyebrows rose in surprise, his face showing genuine remorse. She suspected Gerard had said something to him, but she appreciated it anyway.
‘It’s okay.’
The conversation had been the beginning of a truce between the two. Instead of glaring at her the whole day, he had actually talked to her. He was so like Gerard in his mannerisms and interests that it was almost creepy, but it was more endearing than anything else. When he wasn’t acting like a stroppy teenager he was a nice guy. His smile was charming and as much as Kayla hated to admit it, he was a cute guy. They were forced to pair together when Bob suggested they play a game of Pictionary. While they didn’t win the game, it had certainly been entertaining to play alongside Mikey. He had a childish happiness about him that made Kayla smile when she saw him grin and giggle. The knowing looks Sandra shot her way, and the conspiratorial smile Gerard had on his face most of the evening, was enough to make Kayla paranoid that she was forming a crush on the guy. That night Mikey had offered to take the couch instead, citing that he was better able to keep the fire going than Kayla. That night, when she sank into the pillows and inhaled a male scent that clung to the pillow from Mikey the previous night, she smiled at the thought that she was finally able to see beyond Gerard and the hopes and dreams she once held.
**
It was the last day, and they were all packed and ready to go home. Kayla ignored the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, refusing to acknowledge that the thought of not seeing Mikey again was uncomfortable and unsettling. Sure he was a nice guy, but it wasn’t as though anything could happen. He was too young, and Gerard’s brother. The idea was just too weird, even for her. He was so like Gerard that it was impossible for her not to see and like the similarities, but that was all it could be. Besides, they didn’t even live in the same state. Even if he had gotten over his initial dislike of her, there was no way it could work.
‘Are you all set?’ Ray asked as he knocked on the bedroom door.
‘Yeah, I’ve got everything’ she gave him a quick smile, grabbing her suitcase and heaving it to the door. Ray took it from her with an easy grip, lugging it down the stairs as though it weighed nothing. She took her time saying goodbye to Gerard and Frank, aware that she had a lot of time to make up for. She had agreed to go to their New Years’ party they were holding in Frank’s apartment, and the excitement in her eyes when she agreed to go was sincere. She gave Gerard a final hug when Ray beeped the horn impatiently and ran out the door.
‘Kayla, wait up!’
She turned on her heel and watched as a nervous looking Mikey rushed over to her. When he stood in front her he smiled at her sheepishly, his eyes fixed on the snow covered ground before he focused her her.
‘Are you going to Frank’s New Years’ party?’ he voice was deeper than normal and filled with tension.
‘Yeah, why?’
‘Nothing, just…I was invited too, I was just hoping to see you there is all. It was really nice meeting you.’ His awkward stance was too cute for words.
‘It was nice meeting you too. I’ll see you at the party.’ She smiled encouragingly.
‘Have a nice Christmas’ he returned her smile, and watched as she got inside the car.
She gave him a final wave before Ray took off. She relaxed against the back seat, unable to hide the smile on her face. She remembered the pain she that had crippled her when she left last Christmas, a pain she believed she would never recover from. Now she was leaving with a new sense of hope and excitement for the future, and a heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
‘So, what did Mikey want?’ Sandra asked, her grin suggesting she already had an idea.
‘He was just asking if I was going to Frank’s party.’
‘He likes you, I knew it! I told you coming was a good idea.’
‘I guess you were right.'
‘You’ve had enough time to lick your wounds Makayla. You’ve punished him enough already. Just move on, for both your sakes.’
Those were the wise words from Sandra, who was currently sitting in the car with Makayla. Makayla had the back of the car to herself, while Sandra sat in the passenger seat beside Ray. Makayla had refused to go at first. She ignored the phone calls and angry texts from Sandra, and the exasperated pleading from Ray to be the bigger person and ‘suck it up.’ Even the one person she never wanted to hear from again had sent her a message, asking her to come. She had sent him a very blunt message back, informing him that she would rather spend the days running up to Christmas alone than spend it anywhere near him. She knew she was being a bitch. The whole situation was unfair though. She didn’t understand how everyone could just paint her as the bad guy when she was the one who had gotten hurt. Albeit it wasn’t deliberate on his part, but that didn’t make her feel any better. It didn’t ease the sting. She couldn’t just forgive and forget. She wouldn’t. She had given him her heart and he just threw it back in her face as though it was nothing.
‘Makayla’ Sandra’s exasperated voice invaded the car ‘we want you to be here, okay? This had been our tradition for the last three years, please don’t ruin it just because you’ve decided to be bitter and resentful. If Gerard had meant to hurt you it would be different. But he didn’t. I know it doesn’t make it less painful but you have to start letting go. He misses you, you know?’
‘Yeah, well he should have thought of that before-‘
‘Before what Kyla? He can’t help how he feels or who he loves.’ Sandra was angry, increasing the volume of her voice ‘You need closure, and this is the way to get it. Talk to him. Yell at him, throw something, whatever. Just get it out of your system before you turn into your mother!’
Makayla sucked in a gasp of surprise at Sandra’s words. Makayla and her mother didn’t get along. Her mother never got over her father’s infidelity and she had become a bitter middle aged woman because of it. To be compared to her mother in such a way was a low blow, even for Sandra.
‘I’m sorry’ Sandra backtracked, giving Ray a nervous glance while he kept his eyes on the road, not getting involved in the argument. ‘It’s just, it’s been hard on everyone okay? It’s tough when you’re been forced to choose between two of your closest friends. Can’t you just try to make this a little easier?’Sandra reasoned.
Makayla didn’t answer. Instead she set her eyes to look out the window, watching the scenery go by as they made their way to the cabin they had rented for the last three years at Christmas time. When college had ended they started the tradition as a way to ensure that no matter what they would see each other before the year ran out. They went to college and now lived in the same city, but they had grown up in different states so for a couple of weeks over Christmas they would be separated. It had been Gerard’s idea to have their own Christmas before they went back to their families for the holidays. It use to be the thing she looked forward to the most out of all the events she had planned for the year, now it was tainted by the bitterness of unrequited love.
She had it all planned out. She would finally tell Gerard how she felt about him after all this time. She had spent the last four years pining, hoping that she wasn’t reading too much into the little smiles he always threw her way and the way he’d hold her hand when they went out drinking. He was her rock, her everything. He had become the most important person in her life. He had held her when she was reduced to tears when her father took a heart attack. When the stress of final year exams had gotten to her he had been there to remind her that it was only college. He had kept her company when she was feeling alone and unloved while her friends were out with their boyfriends. He made her feel special, wanted and need. He made her feel loved. He never made a move though. She had been convinced at one point that maybe he just wasn’t interested, but he was far too affectionate and clingy with her. He didn’t treat Sandra and Naomi like that. He treated her differently to his other female friends. The late night heart to hearts’, the secret smiles and longing glances had to mean more than just feelings of friendship. She waited for him to say something but he never did. Then she wondered if he was waiting for her to make a move. Tonight, on the last night before they went home, she would finally spill her secret.
She was shaking the whole day, her stomach in knots and her breathing slightly off as her body tried to deal with the adrenaline overload. The idea of telling him was daunting at best, and absolutely terrifying at worst. The alternative of spending the rest of her life wondering what could have been was a far more horrifying thought than rejection. The not knowing was keeping her up at night as she read into every little interaction they had. She couldn’t keep holding on to some fanciful ideal anymore. She needed something more, something real. She needed to know the truth. She had always been shy when it came to men, but Gerard was the first guy she ever felt comfortable around even when the butterflies were going crazy in her stomach.
The car came to a stop, pulling Makayla out of her reminiscing. Gerard’s silver car was already there in front of the wooden cabin. Makayla felt the panic being to stir in her chest, her brain starting to frazzle as too many thoughts ran through her head. She wasn’t ready to face him again. It was too much for her to handle.
‘Kayla, it’s going to be okay. What happened hurt him just as much as it hurt you. When you talk to him I’ll think you’ll realise that’ Ray spoke for the first time now that he wasn’t driving.
‘I doubt that somehow’ she muttered in response, earning a frustrated groan from Ray.
‘Just try not to be a bitch!’ he snapped before storming out of the car.
Makayla sighed, aware that she had pushed everyone to their limits over the last year. She did feel bad that she had forced them into situation where they had to choose one or the other. If Gerard was invited anywhere she wouldn’t go. In trying to make her point to Gerard she had hurt all of them. She understood why Sandra and Ray were pushing it. Naomi and Bob had sent her messages as well, asking her to try and make peace. They couldn’t understand that it wasn’t a simple argument that could be fixed by an apology. Her heart was damaged beyond repair and it was because of Gerard. Somewhere deep down inside she knew it wasn’t his fault either. He didn’t deserve the way she cut him off but it was hard to tell her heart that. With a heavy groan she unbuckled her belt and opened the car door, scrambling out of the car before slamming the door shut. The snow crunched beneath her feet as she hurried to catch up with Sandra and Ray, who had taken her bag out of the car boot. Ray opened the door just as she caught up with them. She followed Sandra inside, feeling the warmth of the cabin immediately. She shivered from the temperature change.
‘We’re here!’ Ray called out as they walked into the sitting room.
There was a fire blazing in the fire place, with everyone’s stockings hung up already, except for Makayla’s. She couldn’t blame them, as far as they were aware she wasn’t coming. The tree was up and decorated, and the mulled wine and cinnamon scented candle was doing its job well. There were other various Christmas decorations spread out around the room. The place was exactly the same as it was last year. They were lucky Gerard’s uncle let them do this every year. If it was her cabin, she would spend every Christmas in it, not just the summers like Gerard’s uncle did. Taking in the sight of the room, it felt like Christmas and Makayla let herself enjoy the warmth it enveloped her in. She was excited about Christmas for the first time since last year. Maybe, just maybe, she could enjoy it this year.
‘Hey guys! What took you so long?’
The familiar New Jersey drawl hit her like a dead weight as his heavy steps thundered into the room. Her spine stiffened along with her entire body, her heart stopping for a split second. She wasn’t ready to face him. She shouldn’t be here. She couldn’t turn around and see his face, not when she remembered how the smile on it used to be the only remedy she needed when she felt low. Now it was the cause of her misery. There was an awkward silence as he saw her standing with her back facing him. She could only imagine the worried look on everyone’s face as they waited for her reaction. Mustering up her courage she made herself turn around.
He hadn’t changed. His dark hair was still the same, his skin the same blemish free complexion it had been last year. His eyes still sparkled like always. He looked good, much to her chagrin.
‘Hey’ his voice was softer this time as their eyes met, the sparkle in them dimming down.
‘Hi’ she croaked out, sounding as pathetic as she felt.
‘Let’s go get some wine’ Sandra murmured, pulling Ray out of the room with her.
The two of them were left alone in the room, both of them afraid to make the first move. Gerard opened his mouth to say something, when the sound of heavy boots filled the silence before a man Makayla never met before entered the room. He was short in stature, but that didn’t detract from his good looks. His face was lit up with a smile, which was boyish and charming all at once. He spotted Makayla straight away.
‘You must be Sandra, I’m Frank’ he spoke, his voice friendly and deep.
Makayla wanted to vomit, right there on the floor.
‘Frank, this is Makayla’ Gerard’s hushed voice interrupted before the situation could become more awkward.
‘Oh’ Frank’s face fell, informing Makayla that he knew what had happened between Gerard and Makayla last year.
‘I shouldn’t have come’ Makayla whispered in a broken voice before rushing out of the room, walking past the two men and entering the kitchen where Sandra and Ray were sitting at the table, accompanied by Bob and Naomi.
‘How could you?’ Makayla spat at them before they could question them ‘you knew Frank was here! You knew he was here and you convinced me to come along. Some great friends you are!’
‘Who are you talking about? Calm down!’ Sandra tried to reason.
‘Frank. He brought Frank with him.’
‘Shit, I didn’t know Kayla. I swear I didn’t know. If he knew you were coming-‘
‘I’m not staying!’ she interrupted Sandra.
‘Look, you’re here now. We’re an hour away from the nearest town. Just…just sit down, have a drink, okay?’
She took in Sandra’s worried face, Ray’s uncomfortable expression and the look of unease on Bob’s and Naomi’s face. She took in a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down. This wasn’t their fault, and it wasn’t their problem. It never had been, but she had forced them to take on some of the burden from her shredded heart. She had told everyone she wouldn’t come, how could she really blame Gerard for bringing Frank when he assumed she wouldn’t be there?
‘No’ Makayla muttered, shaking her head ‘I just..I’m going to go for a walk, okay? Clear my head.’
They all appeared to feel relieved that she wasn’t overreacting as badly as they’d anticipated. She exited the cabin through the back door, thankful that she was wearing leather boots that could handle a bit of snow. She wrapped her arms around herself, regretting not wearing a scarf as she walked down the now snow laden path that lead to the lake. In the summer she imagined the lake would be a fantastic place to visit. It was large enough to go ski boating, and perfect for fishing as well. Gerard had told her many a story of his summers spent with his little brother and parents before they divorced. She let her thoughts run riot as she treaded the path, wondering how she should conduct herself for the next couple of days. The hurt was still raw, that was proven by her reaction to meeting Frank. She felt slightly ashamed of it now, but the intensity of the feeling at that moment had been too much for her to do anything else. She had merely walked out; it could have been a lot worse. She could have screamed or cried if she had no self respect or pride left. She wanted to leave, very badly. Seeing Gerard and being that close to him, maybe it was too much. Sandra believed this was the best way for them to resolve their issues but Makayla wasn’t so sure. A coffee date would have sufficed, where they could talk alone without worrying about others overhearing or interfering. They could walk away if things got too heated or painful. Stuck as they were now, where there was no way to get proper space away from each other, might only lead to further frustration and anger. She would also have to deal with seeing Gerard and Frank together. That was something she needed to work herself up to, but now she was thrown in the deep end. She shook her head, not wishing to think about the thought of the two of them, cuddling and kissing. Instead, she let her mind wonder back to the night where everything changed.
Everyone was in bed, exhausted after a day of drinking and doing nothing. Gerard was the only other person still awake besides her. She had walked into the kitchen, offering to get another bottle of wine. The reality was that she was gathering up her courage to finally talk to Gerard about her feelings. The red wine was necessary for her to loosen up, to give her a boost of Dutch courage to put her heart on the line. The hand that held the bottle was shaking dangerously as she poured the red substance into the two glasses. Her attempts to stop it were futile, her nerves were just too on edge and it had to be released somehow. If Gerard noticed she could put it down to how cold the kitchen was, especially after leaving the warm fire in the sitting room. Her hopes and expectations were exceedingly high, and her heart unwilling to listen to her brain as it tried to remind her that it may not go the way she wants. In her mind there was no other person in the world that could make her happy. There was no other person who she wanted to make happy. Her future happiness was riding on hearing the words ‘I love you too’ tonight.
She strolled back into the sitting room, the two large glasses in tightly clutched hands to avoid dropping them. She took a seat beside Gerard who was relaxing in front of the fire. He took the offered glass with a grateful ‘thanks’, smiling his signature side smirk as she got settled on the couch.
‘So, are you gonna tell me what’s up?’ Gerard asked casually, his observant eyes watching her shocked pose and taking it as a confirmation that something was bugging her.
‘I don’t know what you mean’ she replied with ease, masking her surprise. She needed to do it her way, if Gerard forced her to say it, it would only come out all wrong and whiney which was the last thing she wanted.
‘C’mon Kayla, I know something’s troubling you. You’ve been twitchy all day.’
‘Twitchy’ she snorted in spite of herself.
‘Yes, twitchy’ he laughed ‘You’re clumsier than usual. I’m surprised you didn’t drop the bottle when you were out there. Whatever it is, you can tell me.’
‘I know, it’s not that, just…in my own time, okay’ she demanded.
He sighed, unhappy but accepting her need to take her time.
‘Okay, but you know I’m here for you, right?’ he asked.
‘I know you are…you always have been. There for me, I mean.’ She let out a shaky breath, nerves getting the best of her.
‘And I always will be. You’re my best friend; I’d do anything for you.’ His tone was so simple, reassuring and unintentionally raising Makayla’s hopes.
‘I’d do anything for you too. I…I love you.’ Kayla whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her.
‘I love you too’ he responded with a smile, not understanding the full meaning of her words.
‘No, Gerard, I’m IN love with you.’
The sentence was met with a stunned silence. The only sound that could be heard was the crackling of the fire as Gerard’s face changed from a relaxed expression to one of pure shock.
‘Kayla, I-‘ The tone of his voice was full of impending rejection.
Kayla’s body reacted before her head could, pressing herself closer into Gerard and placing a kiss on his lips. He moaned in surprise, his eyes opening wide while his body was paralysed by the suddenness of the situation. Kayla broke the kiss after a few second, her round blue eyes steadily gazing into his in search for a response.
‘Kayla, I’m gay.’
Kayla laughed. Not a pleasant one, but a short, sharp laugh filled with disbelief.
‘You’re-what?’
He turned away from her, refusing to meet her eyes as he stared at his hands which were clutching his glass tightly.
‘I think I’m gay…or maybe bi, I don’t know. I met someone, his name is Frank-‘
The words he spoke were sinking into Kayla’s mind.
‘Oh my God’ her voice was laced with shock, her free hand covering her mouth as though she were about to vomit. Her stomach felt like it now filled with nothing but bile, her mouth filling with a taste of disgust. Worst of all was the pain that was slowly beginning to spread throughout her entire being as the reality of what had just happened started to become all the more real as she watched the man before her shake as he spoke the words he’d been afraid to utter to anyone else. She stood up from the couch, letting herself become angry to mask the deep hurt and humiliation she felt. He reached out to clasp her hand, desperate to make her stay and understand. She tore her hand out of his reach with a vicious pull, unwilling to acknowledge the hurt that shone through his hazel orbs.
‘Kayla, please’ he begged, tears filling his eyes as he saw her emotions shut down so that nothing but anger could be felt.
‘I can’t believe this. All this time you made me believe you felt something more for me. You led me on this whole time-‘ she rambled.
‘No, it wasn’t like that. I’m sorry if you ever thought I was leading you on. You’re my best friend Kayla, I never wanted to hurt you.’
‘Well it’s too late for that. You just did.’
She ignored his pleading as she ran up the stairs and locked herself in the bedroom she occupied, tears streaming down her face as the anguish, hurt and betrayal overwhelmed her.
She left the next day, refusing to talk to Gerard despite his attempts to get her to listen to him. His tearful voice wasn’t enough to make her relent. Her heart was too broken to see beyond her own emotional crisis. The memory was still painful, the humiliation and anger sharp enough to flush her cheeks. Her steps towards the lake became hurried and uneasy, racing to increase the distance between her and the source of her pain. Her heart hadn’t mended since that day, and in its fury it had made her a woman truly scorned. Her actions were unlike her, her desire to hurt Gerard uncharacteristic of the normal loving person she was but his rejection had changed her. It killed the best part of her. Her eyes filled with tears, blurring her vision as she continued her journey. She hated the angry person she had become. Her musings were cut short when she went flying to the ground, her water filled eyes blocking the branch on the ground from her vision. The snow cushioned the fall, but the freezing temperature of the fluffy ice was painful in itself.
‘Shit, are you okay?’ A deep male voice echoed in the air before a gentle but strong hand grabbed her arms, pulling her to her feet before she could muster a reply.
Her face was flushed with embarrassment as she patted her coat and jeans down. When she finally paid attention to the man in front of her she was glad her blushing cheeks could be put down to the cold air. His light brown hair was sticking out from underneath his black beanie, which matched the scarf he was wearing. His brown hazel eyes were familiar and hidden behind black rimmed glasses. His nose was straight and perfectly proportioned. He was a good looking man, even if he was too young for her. He looked no more than twenty one; his face was too carefree and free of stress lines for him to be any older. He watched her with a concerned expression when she didn’t answer. She blushed crimson when she realised she was officially staring in the creepiest way imaginable.
‘Yeah, I’m fine. I wasn’t watching where I was walking’ she mumbled, mortified at her clumsiness.
‘As long as you’re okay. I take it you’re one of Gerard’s friends?’ he asked, his tone friendly.
‘Uh-huh. I’m Makayla, but everyone calls me Kayla’ she offered her hand out for a handshake. She was shocked by the change in his expression, which went from cheerful to angry in seconds. His eyes narrowed at her.
‘You’re Kayla? I’m surprised you had the balls to show your face’ he spat with distaste.
‘Excuse me?’ she asked incredulously, outraged and bemused at the sudden turn in conversation.
‘I’m Mikey, Gerard’s younger brother. I can’t believe you would come here after the way you treated him.’
‘How I treated him? What the hell-‘
‘Oh please, don’t give me that bullshit innocence. You’ve made his life hell for the last year. You were his best friend and you fucking abandoned him when he needed you the most, and if that wasn’t enough you’ve isolated him from his friends. If you had any decency you would leave and let him move on with his real friends.’
He didn’t give her the chance to defend herself before he stalked off, the thick black coat he wore not concealing the angry way his shoulders shook as he walked in the direction of the cabin. Kayla stood still in shock in the freezing cold, astounded by what had just happened. The words he had angrily spat at her were stuck in her mind, replying in her mind like a bad record you hated but once you heard it, it would never leave your head. Gerard had spoken about Mikey constantly whenever they were together. He had described Mikey as ‘the nicest person you’ll ever meet’. The man she had just met was anything but nice. In a few seconds he had made her feel like she was less than nothing, his words overly harsh and hurtful. She was the injured person in all this, not Gerard. He had led her on, made her believe that something could happen between them. She had invested herself completely in him and what they could be and he had tossed her aside with no consideration when she had plucked up the courage to tell him how she felt.
The cold air was seeping into her bones, forcing her to continue walking in the damp snow. The callous words hit a nerve with Kayla. It didn’t take a lot of reflection to realise the smarting sensation wasn’t hurt or anger, but guilt and shame. Ray had spoken similar sentiments to her before but they had never held the same spite and bitterness that Mikey had so carelessly flung at her. His anger was righteous and understandable. He had pointed out her malice towards the person who had meant the world to her. If she had truly loved him, how could she treat him with such disdain and nastiness? The thoughts made for uncomfortable consideration. She took a step back from her emotions to try to analysis her behaviour over the last twelve months. As an outsider looking in, she could see how her actions could be seen as nothing but cold and bitchy, taking vengeance to a new low as she did her best to force her closest friends to choose between her and Gerard. Tears formed and fell down her face in shame when she looked at the situation from a different perspective. She had let her broken heart dictate her actions without considering the damage she was inflicting. She had hurt Gerard far more than he had hurt her, and yet he had continued to try and make peace.
With a heavy sigh she realised now it was her turn to do the same. She had to forgive and move on. She would never move on with her life if she continued to focus on one bad memory. That’s all it was now, a memory. A memory that she was refusing to let die. She was the source of her own pain now, not Gerard. Resigned to her fate, she turned and retraced her footsteps back to the cabin. She had to fix the situation she’d created. The snow crunched beneath her boots, drawing a smile from her as she remembered how much she loved snow when she was a child. The texture of it, how bright it made the landscape, having to wrap up warm to fight the cold; it was all part of the reason why winter was her favourite season. There was a sense that everything bad in that had happened throughout the year was about to die, and a fresh beginning was just on the horizon. Now, as an adult, that concept was more important than ever. The trials and tribulations of being a grown up were tough and life threw many unexpected surprises. Christmas and the New Year was the reset button that was so badly needed for people to get through life in one piece. For once, Kayla was glad. Her life needed it, starting from now.
When the cabin came within her sight she saw a lone figure waiting on the porch, a steaming mug in hand. She bit her lip and decided that now was the time to get everything out in the open. She looked her in the eye as she took the three steps to enter the porch.
‘I made you tea’ Gerard reached down to the ground, pulling a thermal mug that was still hot when Kayla’s cold hands took it from him.
‘Thanks.’
‘I saw Mikey storming in. I’m guessing you two didn’t have the best of introductions?’ he smirked, not too concerned by it.
‘Not really’ she didn’t go into the details, deciding she’d rather forget about his hurtful words.
‘I’m sorry about that, he shouldn’t have said anything to you. It wasn’t his place’ Gerard apologised for something that wasn’t his fault, in true Gerard form.
‘Maybe it was. Everything he said was true, and I needed to hear it. I just…I was hurt. I don’t open myself up to people often. I learnt early on that I have a habit of forming unrealistic expectations of the people I care about the most. When I eventually get let down I don’t take it well.’ Kayla was rambling, but she felt like every word that was coming out of her mouth needed to be said.
‘I’m so sorry-‘
‘Let me finish’ she cut him off rudely ‘ I got hurt, and I let myself be blinded by it. I refused to hear you out and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting everyone in a position that forced them to choose sides. Most of all, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you lately, and I’m sorry that you were right not to trust telling me about your sexuality.’
Gerard’s eyes widened in shock before he started his own rambling.
‘I’m sorry too. You were right, I did lead you on. I was afraid of coming out and I used you to cover it up. I wanted everyone to believe I was just too shy to ask you out, that way nobody would question why I never had a girlfriend. You were so fun and easy to be around and I suppose at some point I forgot to hold myself back. I set you up to be hurt, and you’ll never know how sorry I am so that. You were, are, my best friend Kayla. You know more about me than anybody else and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want the friendship we had to be destroyed over one mistake.’ His words were rushed, obviously thought about and rehearsed.
‘After all I did to you why would want to be my friend Gerard? I’ve treated you like shit because I couldn’t accept who you are. I don’t deserve your friendship or forgiveness. Not for what I’ve done.’
‘Friendship isn’t about what we deserve Kayla. You have it, and you always will. I hope with time I can earn yours back in return.’
‘How about this… Let’s agree, right here, right now, to a new slate. Everything bad that happened the last year is gone. We’ll reset our friendship back to the moment before I opened my mouth and screwed everything up.’
‘I’d like that’ he whispered, his voice cracking with emotion.
‘So…tell me about Frank.’
‘Why don’t we go inside and you can meet him. My ass is freezing out here.’
He lead her back inside, where everyone was sitting around the fire with Irish Coffees in hand. The chatter that had so loud when they stepped inside stalled, all eyes on Kayla as they tried to judge what was going to happen.
‘Jesus guys, lighten up. It’s Christmas.’ Gerard rolled his eyes, his smile wide
His words were met with a nervous laughter and an evil glare from Mikey in Kayla’s direction. Kayla met and returned the glare. He words may have been the kick she needed but that didn’t mean she was going to take his behaviour lying down.
‘I’m going to get some wine, does anybody want some?’ Kayla asked, showing Mikey that she wasn’t going to let him get to her.
‘I’ll help’ Sandra offered, getting off her seat with inhuman speed and dragging Kayla out to the kitchen.
‘What happen?’ Were the first words spoken the minute the wooden door shut behind them. Kayla rolled her eyes and went to grab the glasses.
‘I went for a walk, cooled down. Gerard was outside when I came back and we talk. We got everything out and we agreed to put the past behind us. Not much to tell.’ Kayla explained as though she hadn’t spent the last year with a vendetta against the man.
‘What about Mikey?’ Sandra’s eyes were widened with interest.
‘The guy is an asshole. He met me and proceeded to lecture me on my behaviour. Granted he was right, but still he’s an ass. Why is he here anyway?’ Kayla asked without disguising her distaste for the younger Way brother.
‘Give the guy a break Kayla, he just broke up with his girlfriend or something. Gerard thought it might be good for him to get away and have fun instead of moping. He’s a nice guy, or he was until he met you. You should have seen him when he came in, I swear you could literally see the steam coming out of his ears ’ Sandra giggled.
‘With an attitude like that no wonder his girlfriend broke up with him’ Kayla muttered.
‘Don’t be so mean. He’s a nice guy, you’d like him if you gave him a chance. Plus he’s kinda cute, don’t you think?’
Kayla’s spider sense tingled; she could spot when Sandra was on match make mode.
‘Don’t even think about Sandra! The guy is too young, and anyway after the way he yelled at me I’m far from his favourite person!’
‘Whatever you say, Kayla. There’s a fine line between passion and hate. C’mon, let’s go and celebrate!’ Sandra ordered, grabbing glasses while Kayla carried the wine.
Later that night they were well and truly drunk. The atmosphere was cheerful, and Kayla had to grudgingly admit that Frank and Gerard was a good match. They seemed to get each other in a way that only people that were meant to be together can. It was bittersweet to watch, but after a while it became clear to Kayla that they were happy and in love. Frank was funny, and sweet. He pulled Kayla aside at one point in an effort to get to know her. She could see he was nervous and desperate for her to accept him. The only downside of the night was the cold shoulder Mikey had given her. She took it without batting an eyelash; she had spent too long being miserable to let one person’s childish behaviour ruin her night. It was two in the morning before they all decided they had enough and needed to get some sleep.
‘Shit’ Gerard exclaimed as everyone stood up.
‘What’s wrong?’ Frank asked, placing a hand on Gerard’s arm.
‘We don’t have enough beds in the house. Someone’s going to have to sleep on the couch.’
‘Seeing as Kayla showed up last minute it should be her’ Mikey cut through the awkward silence in a heartbeat, ignoring the bewildered expressions directed at him.
‘He’s right, I showed up last minute, I’ll take the couch. It’s no big deal’ Kayla clenched her fists, using all her restraint to not knock Mikey’s teeth out.
‘Are you sure?’ Gerard asked, shooting Mikey a glare who just shrugged his shoulders.
‘It’s fine, honestly.’ She assured him, genuinely not bothered by the idea of sleeping on the couch.
That was until she woke up at half four, shivering from the sudden drop in temperature. The bedrooms were able to hold in a little bit of heat, coupled with the heavy blankets which made the beds quite pleasant to sleep in. Kayla had been left with a blanket that had sufficed when the fire had been lit. Now that it was out it did nothing to keep her warm. She curled up in a ball underneath the think material in hope that it would keep her warm. By the time six o’clock hit she was still awake and shivering worse than before. She would have built another fire but she had no idea how to do it. She regretted not paying attention when her father had tried to show her how to make a fire. She admitted defeat and threw the blanket off her in a fit of anger. She threw on an extra jumper and decided that a hot cup of coffee was her best chance at not turning into ice.
Her hands shook and trembled as she the coffee machine with the necessary water and coffee. She had just switched the machine on when the kitchen door creaked, making her jolt in fright. Her fright turned to annoyance at the sight of Mikey, whose hair was adorably tousled from sleep. Not that she thought he was adorable. He was an asshole, and too young on top of the many other faults she was sure he had. She turned her back on him almost as soon as she saw him. She was tired, cranky and not in the mood to deal with his bitchiness. She didn’t greet him or acknowledge his existence even though she could feel his eyes bore into her back. She expected him to walk out again but instead he began rifling through the presses, pulling out a bag of sugar and a tin of creamer and setting them on the counter beside her. He then pulled out two cups and placed them next to the sugar and creamer. His movements were languid and suggested that he was just as tired as she was. When the machine clicked Kayla poured the coffee out in the two mugs before grabbing one for herself and sitting at the table. Mikey walked out of the room, leaving his coffee on the counter without so much as a thank you to Kayla. She pulled a face when the door shut behind him, leaving Kayla in peace. It was short lived when he arrived back in five minutes later, grabbing his coffee and muttering ‘The fire’s lit’ before strolling back out. Kayla wrestled her desire to stay away from him and her need for warmth. The latter won, forcing her to reluctantly walk back to the couch she had occupied. She scowled at the sight of him taking up a seat on her ‘bed’, preventing her from being able to fall back asleep. She sat down on the other end of the couch, curling her feet on the couch and greedily taking in the warmth. There was an odd sort of peace as the two of them sat in silence, drinking their coffees and taking comfort in the heat of the fire. She had to admit Mikey had his uses.
‘Thanks for the coffee’ he spoke out of nowhere, his voice hoarse from lack of sleep.
‘Thanks for the fire’ she replied.
‘Sorry for being a dick. I was out of order.’
Her eyebrows rose in surprise, his face showing genuine remorse. She suspected Gerard had said something to him, but she appreciated it anyway.
‘It’s okay.’
The conversation had been the beginning of a truce between the two. Instead of glaring at her the whole day, he had actually talked to her. He was so like Gerard in his mannerisms and interests that it was almost creepy, but it was more endearing than anything else. When he wasn’t acting like a stroppy teenager he was a nice guy. His smile was charming and as much as Kayla hated to admit it, he was a cute guy. They were forced to pair together when Bob suggested they play a game of Pictionary. While they didn’t win the game, it had certainly been entertaining to play alongside Mikey. He had a childish happiness about him that made Kayla smile when she saw him grin and giggle. The knowing looks Sandra shot her way, and the conspiratorial smile Gerard had on his face most of the evening, was enough to make Kayla paranoid that she was forming a crush on the guy. That night Mikey had offered to take the couch instead, citing that he was better able to keep the fire going than Kayla. That night, when she sank into the pillows and inhaled a male scent that clung to the pillow from Mikey the previous night, she smiled at the thought that she was finally able to see beyond Gerard and the hopes and dreams she once held.
**
It was the last day, and they were all packed and ready to go home. Kayla ignored the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, refusing to acknowledge that the thought of not seeing Mikey again was uncomfortable and unsettling. Sure he was a nice guy, but it wasn’t as though anything could happen. He was too young, and Gerard’s brother. The idea was just too weird, even for her. He was so like Gerard that it was impossible for her not to see and like the similarities, but that was all it could be. Besides, they didn’t even live in the same state. Even if he had gotten over his initial dislike of her, there was no way it could work.
‘Are you all set?’ Ray asked as he knocked on the bedroom door.
‘Yeah, I’ve got everything’ she gave him a quick smile, grabbing her suitcase and heaving it to the door. Ray took it from her with an easy grip, lugging it down the stairs as though it weighed nothing. She took her time saying goodbye to Gerard and Frank, aware that she had a lot of time to make up for. She had agreed to go to their New Years’ party they were holding in Frank’s apartment, and the excitement in her eyes when she agreed to go was sincere. She gave Gerard a final hug when Ray beeped the horn impatiently and ran out the door.
‘Kayla, wait up!’
She turned on her heel and watched as a nervous looking Mikey rushed over to her. When he stood in front her he smiled at her sheepishly, his eyes fixed on the snow covered ground before he focused her her.
‘Are you going to Frank’s New Years’ party?’ he voice was deeper than normal and filled with tension.
‘Yeah, why?’
‘Nothing, just…I was invited too, I was just hoping to see you there is all. It was really nice meeting you.’ His awkward stance was too cute for words.
‘It was nice meeting you too. I’ll see you at the party.’ She smiled encouragingly.
‘Have a nice Christmas’ he returned her smile, and watched as she got inside the car.
She gave him a final wave before Ray took off. She relaxed against the back seat, unable to hide the smile on her face. She remembered the pain she that had crippled her when she left last Christmas, a pain she believed she would never recover from. Now she was leaving with a new sense of hope and excitement for the future, and a heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
‘So, what did Mikey want?’ Sandra asked, her grin suggesting she already had an idea.
‘He was just asking if I was going to Frank’s party.’
‘He likes you, I knew it! I told you coming was a good idea.’
‘I guess you were right.'
♠ ♠ ♠
Hey guys,
I hope you enjoy my Yuletide offering. Please comment and let me know your thoughts.
Merry Christmas!