More Like a Movie

Life is such a puzzling thing. One minute we’re children, worrying about scraped knees and bubblegum tangled hair and the next we’re high school students, getting ready to plan our futures. Those four years are the years when the important questions are asked. What do you want do with your life? Where do you want to be in five years? The questions that really get down to business, prying into our deepest parts, searching for an answer we don’t have just yet.

Part of me feels like I got lucky. I suppose I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life. I had absolutely no doubts. Movies have been the center of my universe for as long as I can remember. The second I entered high school, I fell in love with our very minimal film program. We had one class, one teacher, and there wasn’t a lot of work, but it definitely gave me more knowledge of the field. I carried that with me throughout my four years and when it came time to apply to colleges, I knew that I’d major in cinema.

As much as I loved movies, however, they were my greatest downfall. How strange for something to be the love of your life and the reason for your heartbreak all at the same time. I guess I was just too dependent. When life got hard, I’d turn to film. I had dreams that maybe one day, like my favorite movies; everything would turn out okay in the end. That maybe I was just living shitty right now but with time, things would get better.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. I graduated high school thinking that I’d go on adventures, start living my life, and make a name for myself in some way or another. I wanted big things for myself and hell, I still do, but maybe I’m just not trying hard enough? I have things that hold me down, issues that I never want to touch on or admit that I need help with, but I know they’re part of what’s preventing me from moving forward. It’s not good for me. My life was supposed to be exciting and it was supposed to change after high school.

Everything is the same. I’m still boring.

I’m 20 years old and I’m a virgin. I don’t just mean in the sexual sense, even though yes, I am the only person to ever touch myself. I mean in everything else, too. I’ve never experimented with drugs. I’ve been offered, but always turned them down. It could have been nerves, or it could have been the fact that I’ve always been a good kid too scared to try something new and dangerous. It’s the same with alcohol. The most I’ve drank was at my cousin’s 21st birthday party and even then I didn’t do much because I had school the next day. I mean, I should have been getting trashed every night with my friends. Underage drinking is a part of growing up, right?

It didn’t hit me until I started my first semester at a community college that holy shit, my life is dull. I wanted to live this perfect story, but so far I’ve faced nothing but disappointment.

Sometimes I feel as though my life seems meaningless. I look around and everyone already has their shit together. Well, everyone that is except for me. I have done absolutely nothing. Left no mark, created nothing spectacular. I say I’m a screenwriter, but am I really? I’m just some kid trying to make it big in the world but I have done nothing in an attempt to further myself at all. My work hasn’t been seen by anyone except my teachers and what few friends I have. Even then, it’s no help because they’ve grown so frustrated by me shoving my writing in their faces that they just say whatever to shut me up. I was at a loss when I turned 20. I haven’t lived my life at all and that’s when I decided I needed a change. I became persistent and it really paid off.

All of my hard work is the very reason why I’m lying in this football field, staring up at the pale blue sky hoping a bird doesn’t come by and shit on my head. Next to me, my best friend lies, probably thinking long and hard about the bomb I’ve just dropped on him. It’s important for me to lighten the mood. I don’t want things to end like this. Being my usual self, I chirped in the only way I knew how.

“Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one,” I said with a smile, turning to Jesse. Only when the quote left my lips did I realize how fitting it seemed. “Guess what that’s from?”

In response, I got a roll of the eyes, which is just typical behavior for when I get into one of my moods. He sat up off the grass, brushing his back to make sure he was clean before standing. “You know, maybe it’s a good thing you’re leaving. I’m not sure I can take much more of you.”

He was teasing, I know, but I could see that little bit of sadness that he carried in his eyes. We’d been best friends for years and now we’re just going our separate ways. Who knows when, if, we’ll see each other again?

I groaned and stood up, adding a slight jump in an attempt to straighten out my clothes. The only thing I hated about lying here was the fact that my clothes always got bunched up. Rather uncomfortable, if you ask me. I sighed and turned to face my best friend. “The answer was Pocahontas,” I smirked. “Grandmother Willow said that.”

She was one of my favorite characters from a Disney film. Grandmother Willow was wise, spiritual, and full of advice. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little envious. I’d love my own talking tree to help guide me in the right direction.

“I so don’t care,” Jesse shrugged, breaking me from my daydream. Laughing, I followed behind him as we trudged through the football field of our old high school. We graduated two years ago, but we always came back to the same spot any time we wanted to talk about something serious. It’s exactly what we did when we still went here.

The reason I had asked him to come today is because when I checked my mail last week, I had my acceptance letter to a university in Boston. It is basically my dream school – the one that I have been striving for since freshman year when I first heard about it and fell in love with cinema. Of course, I applied as soon as the time came, but in the end I wasn’t good enough, my portfolio wasn’t up to scratch. Rejection stung, but I didn’t give up. Yet another thing my faithful movies have taught me. When I didn’t get in the first time, I decided to take some classes at a community college and after two years there, I applied again.

This time, they didn’t say no.

“Kellin?” Jesse’s voice rang out and once again I noticed I faded out from the conversation. It happens when I get deep into thought. “Are you still in there or have I finally lost you in your land full of make believe?”

I gave him a hard glare, slapping his hand out of my face before speaking. “I’m still here, yes. I’m just doing some thinking.”

“About?” He asked and I instantly noticed the change in his voice he usually does when he gets nervous. I know that Jesse worries about me and with me being however many miles away, he won’t always be around to keep an eye on me. He’s like my brother and I was really going to miss him.

I sighed and fell into step with him as we walked to his car. There were very few things I could say to put his mind at ease. “Life and all it has to offer,” I replied seriously. I think sometimes everyone gets the idea that I’m all talk and no action or maybe I just dream too big, but I really mean it. It’s time for me to grow up, move on, and explore life. I can’t stay in my shell forever.

“Oh,” he murmured, stopping once we finally reached his old, beat up truck. “Well, that’s nothing new.”

I chuckled and slid into the passenger side, buckling my seatbelt since Jesse wasn’t exactly the most cautious driver. He had a bit of road rage. Tickets weren’t foreign to him, either. We pretty much sat the whole drive not really saying much. The faint murmurs of the Ramones’ “I Wanna Be Sedated” played as background music as I’m sure both of us thought about what was going to happen for the future.

By this time tomorrow I’d be in Massachusetts, hopefully starting a brand new chapter of my life, leaving behind all of my negativity. As we pulled up to my apartment, I hesitated before getting out. This wasn’t our last goodbye, but it was close enough. “Are you still picking me up tomorrow?” I asked, turning a bit so I could see him.

He gave me a small nod and bit the inside of his bottom lip. “Yep, 8 am, sharp.” I smiled and thanked him before quickly making my way out of the truck. Goodbyes weren’t my strongest point. I never cried, but it was still hard. For right now though I needed to finish packing and make sure to find my spare key to give back to the manager.



The next morning Jesse did as promised, picking me up bright and early. Currently we were sitting at the drop off zone at the airport. We’d been there for maybe 10 minutes already and every few, a security guard would come over and tell us to leave, but we ignored his demands each time. Today I was departing, not sure when I’d be back to visit. I wanted to say goodbye to my best friend without any rude interruptions.

“So, you’re really doing this,” he murmured. “You’re really going to Boston?” His gaze looked up from the steering wheel, eyes glossy with tears unshed. That’s the only downfall about creating such strong friendships; it hurts to let them go.

I nodded, keeping my composure. Crying was not an option, especially in a public setting. Tears weren’t a sign of weakness, but the act wasn’t something I took part in outside of the comfort of my room. “Yeah, I am.”

“What for, Kell?” He asked in what sounded like disbelief like he couldn’t believe I was actually going through with this. That’s always been how I am, though. I’m all talk and never action. Well, up until now.

“To find answers,” I told him. I’ve said it before, but he’s never accepted it. But now as we’re sitting here in front of the airport, I think he finally understands.

“Answers to what?” It was such a loaded question.

“Life,” was all I said. I stepped out of the car, him following behind me and helping me with the few pieces of luggage I had. The rest of my stuff was being shipped to my dorm in Boston. Hopefully it wouldn’t arrive there before I did or else my roommate would be very confused.

We both walked up to the doors, Jesse slinging my carry on around my neck. He looked at me seriously, which was something I was never used to with him. Placing his hands on my shoulders he made me look into his eyes. “I hope you find what you’re looking for Kellin, I really do.”

I smiled in appreciation, happy he finally accepted the change. “Thanks, man.” I gave him what was meant to be a quick hug, but of course he held me there for a few seconds more. I was really going to miss this guy. I just hope our friendship stays intact while I’m gone.

Breaking apart, I turned away from him, inhaling deeply as I made my way through the automatic doors. The airport was cool, smelling of Pine sol and air freshener. Kind of weird to think that those two scents were part of my fresh start. As nervous as I was, I couldn’t wait to do this. Finally, everything was falling into place.