More Like a Movie

Kellin.

I felt the bed shift as Vic moved around on top of it yet again. For the past few minutes he had been resituating himself, trying to find a better position considering that he was half hanging off of the furniture because I was taking up most of the space. I didn’t know if he was awake or simply doing this through his sleep so I just laid there with my eyes closed and waited until the movements stopped. After a minute or so the room fell still again and his arm snaked around my waist. I had to force myself to keep from smiling so he wouldn’t know that I had been up this whole time. That’s when I heard him sigh, indicating he was awake and had no plans of falling asleep anytime soon.

I knew it was him next to me even without opening my eyes, as he was the one who brought me back here last night. I remembered a lot actually and I’m pretty sure that’s because towards the end of the night I kind of sobered up before Vic and I…got down to business. Afterwards I was ready to fall asleep and that’s when Vic reminded me that we were in Jeremy’s house and we couldn’t stay. That was all beside the point though. Something much bigger happened; something I wasn’t expecting to happen.

I couldn’t believe that I actually had sex with Vic.

There were no regrets on my part. In fact, I was happy with the outcome. Over the past couple of days I had been thinking about it more and more, but really I had no intentions on acting on those thoughts so quickly. The alcohol was a major confidence booster and all common sense was kind of dropped off at the door. That was really the only explanation I had. When things started to get heated and we got more into it, I felt like I sobered up and I rationed the situation in my head. All signs pointed to yes, so I went with it.

“I know you’re awake,” I heard Vic croak, bringing me back to the present time and away from the recollection of last night. He retracted his arm from me so I cracked open my eyes, offering a shy smile. Things moved kind of fast between us so naturally I was afraid that things would be awkward. I wouldn’t let that happen, though. Not with Vic at least.

Groaning, I frowned when he sat up because he took most of the blankets with him. Following his lead, I sat up instantly wincing at the pain I felt down below. I frowned and glanced over at Vic who had a sympathetic look on his face.

“So?” He asked worriedly. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like the fact that he sounded so unsure.

“We had sex,” I said bluntly, not even meaning to have it just spill out like that but it was the first thing that came to my mind. I couldn’t help it. His eyes went wide for a split second before returning to their normal size and his lips pressed into a straight line. He was acting so different with me and it had begun to stir up some pretty uneasy feelings in me.

“Oh,” he drew out the syllable and nodded his head slowly. “Good, you remember.”

I raised an eyebrow and opened my mouth to speak, but I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. He thought I was too trashed to comprehend what had happened last night, but I wasn’t. Like I said, I’m pretty sure by the time we had sex I was starting to think a little more clearly.

“Of course I do,” I finally said, biting my lip as I scooted myself back on the bed, resting my back against the cool wall.

Silence surrounded us as he looked for something else to say. I hated that he was acting so distant and cold with me now. I thought maybe it was just in my head, like he wasn’t really feeling this way, it was just my imagination. But I could see it in his face. He was disappointed.

“How are you feeling?” He eventually asked with a nod in my direction.

“I’m happy,” I decided to tell him. I wanted to be honest, maybe that would lighten the mood. The truth was that I was happy. As I said before, I didn’t regret anything that happened between us and I wasn’t mad at him for giving in to exactly what I wanted. I felt good. I mean besides the pain.

Vic was shocked at my answer and looked at me in disbelief. “Seriously?”

I didn’t know if his reaction meant he was glad or indifferent, but I was hoping for the first. Nodding, I sat straighter holding in a whine of pain. “Yeah,” I said to him. “I’m glad that I can remember what happened and well, I’m glad that it did happen you know? It’s kind of perfect, actually. Now we can like move forward and stuff.”

“What do you mean?” He asked hesitantly and switched his position on the bed so he could better see me. I had his full attention now. Something I said definitely threw him off.

“We can tell people about us,” I mumbled, looking away from him. I felt embarrassed yet again. I wanted to get a grip on that. There was no way that I could continue on living my life feeling embarrassed about every little thing. On the other hand, this was kind of big. “This gives us that chance to take that next step. Take our relationship to the next level…or judging by the face you’re making, I guess not.” I quickly finished talking when I saw the frown immediately crawl onto Vic’s face. Rejection never felt good.

“Kellin…” he started but I put up a hand to cut him off. I didn’t need to hear this right now. What the fuck was I thinking? Vic? Of all people? Of fucking course he wouldn’t actually want something with me. It took him forever to finally warm up to the thought of being my friend. In the entirety that I had known him, he hasn’t once mentioned a relationship with anyone of any kind. He’s never acted like the type of guy who wanted one, either. So why did I think that I could change that?

He reached out a hand to touch me, but I shied away from him. I wasn’t exactly upset with him. I was upset with myself because I let myself read too much into this. For a minute, I believed that we could actually be something more than just friends.

“Kellin,” he successfully managed to place a hand on my knee this time. “Look, you’re a great kid, but last night was just sex. I thought you knew this?”

“Well, excuse me for misunderstanding. I apologize. It will not happen again, I can promise you that.” I said in a huff with a bit of an attitude. Dramatics were my specialty; I always knew how to put on a good show, but right now I wasn’t acting. Right now every emotion that I had was true and genuine. I felt a mixture of hurt and sadness, but also anger and annoyance. The thing was though was that I felt it for both Vic and myself. This wasn’t one sided.

Feeling like I had definitely overstayed my welcome, I threw what little blankets I had off of me and on shaky legs, stood up. Thankfully I was fully clothed.

“Come on, where are you going?” Vic sighed and stood as well.

“Not now, Vic,” I groaned and pulled on my jacket that I had found hanging off of his chair. I looked across the room and noticed that Mike was gone. I wondered how often Vic brought people here for him to just know when his presence isn’t needed. Rolling my eyes at the thought, I scoffed and began making my way towards the door.

Vic followed me and tried to grab for my hand, but I shoved it away. I didn’t want to deal with him right now. I needed to clear my head. My little act annoyed him and he growled, hitting his fist against the wall. “Listen to me, Kellin,” he said a little harshly. I bit my lip and turned to look at him, holding back tears as I did so. I was too emotional for this. When our eyes locked, I noticed the darkness in them and the hard look on his face. This was a look I hadn’t seen in such a long time. “Just because I fucked you doesn’t mean that I want to be your boyfriend. You knew what you were getting in to with me when I let you get close. Don’t try to make me look like the bad guy here. Don’t be stupid.”

My mouth dropped at the words that had just left his lips. He must have realized what he said in his rage, too, because his features suddenly softened and he stepped towards me eagerly. “Wait, that came out wrong. Kellin, I’m sorry!” He tried to backtrack and fix what he said but the damage was done.

“Fuck you, Vic,” I spat, turning away from him and bolting out of his room. I didn’t look back as I ran through the hall, knocking in to some students who were confused and most likely giving me strange looks. I couldn’t deal with this right now; I had to clear my head. When I woke up this morning, I did not expect things to take this kind of turn. I felt so stupid and like I wanted nothing more than to hide away in my room until this all went away.

The second I reached my dorm and stumbled in, I instantly regretted it because sitting right in front of me in the middle of a discussion were Jaime and Tony. By the looks on their faces it was clear I was disturbing them. The last thing I wanted to do was interrupt them, but I needed to be here, in my bed.

“Whoa man,” Jaime was the first to stay. “What’s wrong with you?”

I contemplated on telling them. On one hand, I wasn’t really up for talking about it, but on the other, I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret; they’d find out eventually. I just groaned and closed the door behind me as I stepped into the room and flung myself down on my bed. Pain shot through my body, but I willed myself to ignore it for the time being. “Vic,” was all I mumbled out, burying my face into the comforter.

The two of them were silent, but I could just imagine them sharing a look. I suppose it was only a matter of time before an issue came up between Vic and me. Truthfully, I thought it would have happened much later on in our…relationship.

“What did he do now?” I heard Tony chuckle, but when I rolled over onto my side and glared at him, he stopped.

“We had sex and then he flipped out on me,” I said. He didn’t really flip out on me, I guess, but he acted like a dick and treated me like shit so at this point in time I didn’t care if I tainted his name.

That sentence grabbed the attention of the two boys sitting in front of me. I had expected this reaction though. They knew that Vic and I were close and I assumed they had their suspicions. If I wasn’t so upset about what just went down in Vic’s room, I probably would have laughed at their expressions.

“Hold up,” Jaime was quick to stand and make his way towards me, still with that dumbfounded look on his face. “You guys had sex?” He practically squeaked. “How long has this been going on?”

I shrugged and propped myself up on my elbow. “We’ve been hanging out for a while,” I was honest. “Last night was the first time we, you know.” I couldn’t bring myself to say it again. Once was enough, just hearing those words again would make my stomach drop. It amazed how this morning my life was in place and everything was where and how it was supposed to be. Funny how a few words, a sentence or two, could completely destroy your mood.

“This is big,” Tony said in disbelief. He remained planted in the chair but his gaze had shifted to me. Right now both of them were staring at me intently and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable under the heat of the stare, but I didn’t want to leave. I had nowhere else to go. As much as I hated to admit it, Vic was my getaway. He was the one who had mapped out the world for me and showed me how to live. In the time that I had been here, I hadn’t met anyone else like that. He was the person I always went to.

Instead of answering Tony or looking at Jaime, I buried my face into the bedding again. The sheets were fresh since I did laundry not even two days ago and the comforting scent of fabric softener put my mind at ease only for a little while. I was reminded of home as I hid my face further into my comforter. It smelled like sunshine and my mom – two things I had seemed to be missing a lot.

“When you say “flipped out”, what do you mean?” Tony wanted to know. Regrettably, I pushed myself away from the blankets and looked up at him with a curious frown. Something told me that if I didn’t give him some kind of answer he would just keep bugging so I rolled onto my back and let my head fall off the side of the bed, my vision of Tony flipping upside down.

I closed my eyes and forced myself to rewind back to my encounter with Vic not that long ago. Flipping out wasn’t the right term to use; he got defensive and pissy. Yeah, that sounds better. That sounds more like Vic.

“He basically said I was a fuck and nothing more.” It was blunt and to the point, but that’s how Vic made me feel, whether he meant it that way or not. I wasn’t expecting him to admit his love for me and come be my Prince Charming, but I was hoping to maybe build a relationship off of this. I thought that’s what we were taking steps to doing? Maybe this was moving all too fast.

With my thoughts eating away at me I hadn’t noticed that Tony was no longer looking at me, instead his attention was on Jaime and what seemed to be a mental conversation they were having. Frustrated, I sat up and twisted my body to face them. Eyes narrowed, I silently demanded them to tell me what they were thinking.

“You should talk to Mike,” Tony finally sighed. He glanced at Jaime quickly again. The other male nodded in agreement. Why did I have to talk to Mike? Where would I even find him? When I woke up in Vic’s bed this morning, Mike was long gone.

“Where is he?” Was my first question, even though it would have been better being something along the lines of why should I talk to Mike?

“He said he was going to pick up breakfast and then head back to his dorm. He’s probably there by now.” He said.

The second he said Mike was most likely at the dorm, I shook my head defiantly. I wasn’t going anywhere near his room. “Vic might be there,” I pointed out the obvious. “I can’t handle him right now.”

Tony frowned, obviously forgetting the main reason we were in this predicament in the first place. Sometimes the kid is brilliant, sometimes he’s forgetful. Huffing, he slid back into this chair with a perplexed look on his face. Suddenly, he snapped forward and clicked his fingers as he had his Eureka moment.

“I’ll call Vic and tell him to meet me somewhere,” he said with his eyebrows furrowed. “Yeah, that’ll work. Just go talk to Mike, Kellin. There are some things he can explain that I cannot. It’ll help you a lot, trust me. Vic would be pissed, but he doesn’t have to know. Just…do it.”

I breathed out slowly through my nostrils at the words Tony said. Talking to Mike would apparently help me, but that would anger Vic? Pretty sure I was already on his shit list, why on Earth would I want to do something else to irritate him even more?

“No,” I finally decided with the shake of my head. “I don’t want to do that.”

Tony groaned, but I chose to ignore it. I knew him and I knew he’d try to persuade me into speaking with the younger Fuentes behind Vic’s back. Eventually my curiosity would get the better of me and I’d give in, but I wanted to at least attempt to fight first.

“Stop,” he glared at me. “I’m going to go talk to Vic right now. This is all going to work out. I have faith in this.”

Hesitantly, I slithered away from the comfort of my bed and stood on my feet. Glancing down, I realized I had completely forgotten to tie my shoelaces, meaning it was a miracle I had even gotten to my room without tripping and falling in my sprint on the way here. Tony wasn’t going to give up and I was honestly too tired to defy him anymore, so I nodded and shuffled towards the door with my head still down and Tony hot on my heels.

He said he’d text me when we were in the clear, so momentarily I would stay put and wait for the word that Mike was alone in the room. I didn’t know what information he could possibly have, but he is Vic’s brother so if anyone knows anything about the boy I’m oh so interested in, it’s definitely him.

Vic.

After Kellin left I thought about chasing after him. That’s what the guy is supposed to do, right? But I knew that wasn’t an option. If I had actually followed him out that would have defeated the purpose of what I not-so-gracefully said to him. My words didn’t come out how I intended for them to. I just wanted him to know that we weren’t anything official; that this was simply a casual relationship but he got all sour on me and I snapped.

Shortly after the incident, I received what appeared to be an urgent and displeased text from Tony. It was hard to tell, though. Autocorrect was never on his side when he got heated. He just let his fingers fly. Because of that little message though, I was trudging through deserted hallways towards the diner we always met at. The one Kellin despised.

Walking in, I saw Tony was already sitting at our usual booth, a cross look on his face. Right then I knew that this wasn’t going to go well and I had half a mind to turn around and walk out the door before he saw me, but I thought better of it. It was going to be about Kellin, so it was better to just get it over with.

“Hey man,” I said coolly, sliding into the side opposite of him.

His eyes flicked to mine immediately, burning with a passion I rarely saw him use. In fact, I believe the last time I encountered him like this was after he caught Steve stealing his work. Who knew that one day I’d be on the receiving end of Tony Perry’s evil glares?

“Victor, what did you do to that poor boy?” He wasted no time in getting right to the point.

I tried so hard not to roll my eyes at him and the situation, but it was just so hard. Kellin knew from the very beginning that I was not a guy he should want to get invested in. I didn’t even like him at first, but of course the little shit had to be persistent until I finally gave in to him. This was a completely different matter. This wasn’t simple friendship. He wanted so much more than I could ever offer him.

“What’s the big deal?” I asked even though I had an idea of what he would say. I was pushing his buttons and I knew he would break at any moment. “It’s just sex.”

“Not to a guy like Kellin it isn’t!” He finally cracked, slamming his fist down onto the table. As insensitive as it was, I bit back laughter. I shouldn’t find this situation funny. I really upset Kellin this morning and part of me does feel bad, but this is what I am. Tony’s anger was the cherry on top.

I reached over and placed my hand on top of his, giving what I thought was a pretty dazzling and totally believable as genuine, smile. “What? Do you think Kellin is some romantic looking for something special?” I wouldn’t put it past him. Part of him is still stuck in that fairytale land in his head.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he yanked his hand away and I realized that he wasn’t going to put up with my shit, not today. Thinking about it more, I had to be serious. Deep down I knew that I really did care about the boy who stormed away from me this morning and I did feel guilty about hurting him. I was never good with showing my emotions though.

Tony sighed when he noticed my change in attitude and took a sip from his drink. One thing I adored about this guy was that one minute he could be a total hardass and giving you shit (that you deserve) and the next he was a total sweetheart; understanding and wanting to help. He only ever put himself in situations that he truly believed could be fixed.

“I’m saying that Kellin is scared of so much as it is. I’d be willing to put money on the fact that intimacy is at the top of his list. For him to jump into bed with you took a lot of guts on his part. Sex is the most intimate way to be with someone and he did that with you. I know that doesn’t mean much to you because we all view sex differently, but he was probably scared shitless. And he did it. And you totally flipped out on him.”

Letting Tony’s words sink in, I refused to show any expression on my face. He was right on a lot of things. One, Kellin was scared of a lot. The kid practically had a panic attack any time we had to speak in front of the class and two; we all did view sex differently. I didn’t have the emotional attachment I knew Kellin would.

“He was drunk,” I said in monotone. “I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him that I thought we should stop. I didn’t want it to seem like I was taking advantage of him and I didn’t want him to regret sleeping with me, but he insisted. He wanted it. So I gave in.”

“I’m not asking you to defend yourself, Vic. I’m just asking that you be a little honest.” He went into what felt like therapist mode. I gave him a confused look. What does he mean honest? I’m always honest, that’s my fucking problem. I could have lied to Kellin and told him that I wanted a relationship and then lead him on only to completely ditch him in the end, but I didn’t because I told the truth. “You were looking out for his well-being,” Tony added. “You care about his feelings. Seems like it’s not just sex to you, either. I think you like him.”

“You know I fucking do, alright?” I hissed in irritation. “But I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need a girlfriend. I don’t want one. I don’t want anybody! I want to be left alone. Why can’t everyone understand that?” I lost my cool and stood up.

Tony’s eyes searched the room, but since it was still early and most students had finished eating breakfast, the place was mostly empty with only a few stragglers behind. Now we knew that if we caused a scene, few would be around to witness it unfold.

“Not everyone is going to let you down, Vic.” He sighed as he stood. “You’ve got Mike and your parents who have been nothing but supportive of you. You’ve got me and Jaime and fuck, you’ve had Kellin from the moment he saw you. The kid practically worships the ground you walk on. I bet he still does. Look, I know you’ve been dealt a shitty hand and you’ve encountered some really disgusting people, but you have to look at the big picture here, man. There are good people out there, you just have to fucking trust us.”

He finished by grabbing the collar of my shirt and looking at me desperately. I could feel the meaning and the passion behind his words, but it was becoming too much. I refused to show weakness of any kind and that’s exactly what emotions did. They exposed our weakest parts and I wasn’t allowing that to happen to me. Not again.

“I want you to stay away from me,” I said with a pointed finger in his direction. I felt like I had no idea what I was thinking anymore, but it was all beginning to feel too real.

“Vic,” he said with his jaw dropped in shock. “You can’t be serious.”

“I mean it, Tony.” My voice quivered and I knew that I actually did not mean these things that I was saying. “Leave me alone, okay? Just go. And tell Kellin to stay away. I don’t want to see him again.” I said what my brain was screaming at me not to, and I turned away from my friend, leaving him in pure disbelief as I walked out of the door.

I myself couldn’t wrap my head around what just happened in there, but I knew it had to be for the best. Why does everyone try to get so close to me? Why can’t they just let me do what I do and leave me to be happy. No, it’s not the best way to live but it was the only way I knew how and I was too fucking stubborn to let it go.