Status: Complete! Thanks for reading!

More Like a Movie

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It feels like you’re falling.

An endless loop; an infinite spiral downward and that feeling in your stomach – the one that makes you feel heavy and light at the same time – is overwhelming to the point where you become weak. You can’t stand, you can’t speak, fuck, you can’t even think straight or sit properly. Every normal feeling you had two seconds ago, every coherent thought, they cease to exist and you’re left there in a mix between being sick to your stomach, and crying until you can’t see straight. Breathing becomes almost strenuous, your hands won’t stop shaking and every area of your body that can sweat, does.

But it doesn’t stop there.

Your legs become wobbly, it’s nearly impossible to stand. Your heart’s racing so fast, you swear you can hear it in your ears and your voice, well, it gives you away the second you begin to speak; shaking and trembling clearly laced with fear and you know that everyone hears it. They can sense it.

Suddenly it feels like all eyes are on you. Your cheeks start to burn up; the blush makes you mentally curse yourself because how dare you prove that you’re weak in front of everyone. They’re judging you, whispering, you don’t even have to make eye contact to know it. It feels like those shaky fingers, jumping at your sides, are the only things that people can focus on. And maybe they are.

It’s horrible, gut-wrenching really, and it just keeps going. Your mind goes into overdrive; your brain starts to panic. You feel threatened. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Breathing doesn’t help; deterring your thoughts is useless. In that moment, nothing feels solid, everything is spinning and before you know it, you’ve failed.

I thought that I was making progress.

I could order food on my own in the cafeteria during lunch. Every now and then when I knew the answer to a question in class, I spoke up. I even went as far as stepping out of my comfort zone and went to parties, actual college parties, meeting new people and willingly choosing to partake in conversation with them.

Everything was going so good. I was finally spreading my wings.

And then today came along.

I thought I had been prepared. Normally a week in advance before a big presentation I would start to panic. But that panicking and that fear made me practice my ass off. Two days would go by and I wouldn’t even need my notecards anymore, I’d have everything memorized and the ability to recite my speeches word for word without help. Practicing in front of the mirror I was confident. I spoke without stuttering. I made eye contact and kept my voice strong. This time was no different. I practiced every day for a week up until it was time for me present a very miniscule project on the history of film. And I nailed it every single time.

For the first time in a long time, I thought that this might be the one – the one presentation that actually works out in my favor where I’m an absolute hit, remembering all of the important points; delivering every joke without fail. I truly believed deep down somewhere that I had this. I could do it.

Then when the professor called my name, I froze.

It’s happened before. I was constantly screwing up presentations, stumbling over my words or skipping topics that I should have covered. The thing was though was that I was always able to recover. I would manage to push through it, as painful as it was. I’d get it done and in the end, feel accomplished. Today was just so different. I choked.

In front of everyone I made a complete fool out of myself. I lost my train of thought, getting so caught up in the attention that was on me I forgot what I had to say and with shaky fingers, my notecards scattered to the ground. I tried to recollect myself, but my breathing had increased rapidly and I couldn’t give myself the minute I needed to relax and inhale. It was a disaster and I felt myself on the verge of going into an attack, so I did the only reasonable thing I could think of and ran out of the room.

There was no way that helped the embarrassment that I had previously felt, so that’s how I ended up back here at my dorm, lying on top of my bed with dried tears stained to my cheeks and hopes that I would eventually dissolve into nothing.

We only had a few weeks of the semester left, but I didn’t know how I was going to face everyone again. College is different. People here are less judgmental and I guess that’s proved true for the most part, but it can be so hard to leave the high school bullshit in the past. Come Thursday morning when I had class again, would I be able to handle it? What would happen to me or fuck, my grade?

I didn’t have time to think about it. I didn’t have time to dwell on the incident any longer because I heard the door opening. Immediately I squeezed my eyes shut and rolled onto my side. Tony was in that class today. I knew he’d want to talk about it but I couldn’t bring myself to face him, either. He was my friend, but that didn’t stop the humiliation.

I tried to make it so it looked like I was sleeping. In reality, that’s all I wanted to do anyway. Curl up under my blankets and sleep until winter break approached, until it was time to go home. Go home and never come back. My thoughts were extreme of course. I didn’t want to just ditch everything and run for the hills, but I’d be a liar if I said it wasn’t the first thought to cross my mind this afternoon.

There was a small commotion at the front of the room and I knew it was Tony setting his bag down, swapping out his school supplies for work ones. He worked in the library on campus on days where he had early classes. Sometimes I’d tag along with him, get some homework in before meeting with Vic or the guys since it was a quiet spot and never too busy, but at the moment I couldn’t even bother to get out of bed.

I felt the bed dip next to me and I mentally prayed that he would leave me alone and forget the whole thing, but Tony was never that kind of guy. When he saw his friends hurting, he wanted to be the one to help, or attempt to help as best he could. He was a decent human being like that.

Total silence enveloped the room once again. Half of me was tempted to open my eyes to see what he was even doing, but I refrained and kept up my act. He probably knew that I was still awake, but he made no attempt to call me out on it yet.

Eventually I heard him sigh and stand up, the bed feeling lighter without his body there. There was more shuffling before I heard the quiet tapping of fingers on a screen meaning he was either texting or calling someone. And I had a pretty good inclination of who that person would be.

“Hey, Vic?” Tony’s voice sounded throughout the room and internally I sighed. He had to call Vic. He just had to. I would have spoken to him eventually, but I felt like I needed some time on my own first to wallow in self-pity. “Look,” he carried on conversation, “I think you need to talk to Kellin.”

Silence followed his request and I waited, now officially a part of this conversation even though I was pretending to be asleep. I’m kind of glad I wasn’t, though. I wanted to know what Tony was going to say, how he was going to preface the conversation.

“I think he had some kind of attack during class today. We had presentations and he left. It’s not my place to tell you, you’d best hear it from him, but I think he needs you. He needs someone and I can’t stay.”

I hated the fact that Tony said I needed someone. It made me sound weaker and even more pathetic than I already was. Like I was some four year old who lost his mother in a store and needed someone to come to my rescue. But what I hated even more than that was the fact that Tony was right. I needed someone to confide in because I learned a long time ago that keeping this shit in does nothing positive for my mental health and I already had enough issues as it was.

“He’s here at the dorm,” Tony responded to Vic’s question which was no doubt where my current location was. “Alright, thanks man. See you later.”

Their call ended and I waited for the inevitable. It didn’t take long for Tony to “wake” me. A shadow fell over my face, blocking out the sunlight that had previously been flooding through the window. I cracked one eye open cautiously, being greeted by Tony’s sympathetic smile. Oh, just what I wanted: pity.

“I called Vic,” were the first words to tumble out of his mouth. Not “I’m sorry” or “how are you holding up?” but “I called Vic.” I suppose it was fine. I understood why he did it. He wanted to be honest with me and let me know that he alerted my overly confident boyfriend of the fact that I had a near anxiety attack today during something so fucking elementary, a fifth grader could do it.

“I heard,” my response was mumbled by my lack of energy, eyes fluttering closed again because it seemed easier to have this conversation if I didn’t have to look him in the eyes.

A deep sigh poured out of him and he knelt down in front of me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. Such a friendly gesture and to my surprise, it made that tight clenching around my heart dissipate. I opened my eyes again and smiled in thanks, him nodding his head letting me know he understood.

“Do you want to talk about it?” His next set of words made my stomach turn. Absolutely not. I never wanted to think about this day again. I’ve given hundreds of presentations my entire school career and not once have I ever bolted out of classroom before. I was ashamed.

I shook my head furiously, swallowing dryly to get that burn in my throat to just leave already and managing to croak out a simple “no”. Tony noticed my struggle and nodded, patting my shoulder before falling back onto his heels. His lips curved into a frown when he watched me. I must have looked so miserable if I was earning that kind of expression.

Sighing, I buried my face into my pillow to hide my overly emotional appearance. I had to get myself together before Vic came over, which would actually be any moment now, and I didn’t want him to see me a mess.

“Kell, I have to get to work,” Tony said softly, brushing the fallen hair out of my face. With my head still against the pillow, I nodded telling him that I understood why he couldn’t hang around. “I’ll keep in touch throughout the day. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Weakly, I raised my arm and gave him a thumbs up. He chuckled lightly and with one last ruffle to my hair, he was up and making his way out of the room. Once he left I took the opportunity to shuffle under my blankets, hide myself for when Vic came in. Who knows how he would react.

Not even a minute after Tony’s departure I heard the door creak open again. This time it was Vic and when the door shut I inhaled a shaky breath, not ready to face him yet. As my boyfriend, he should be supportive and understanding, but before we started this relationship he’d always call me out on my shit and put me in my place. What’s to stop him from doing it now?

“Hey Kels,” Vic said in his usual tone of voice. I poked my head out from under the blanket when I heard him coming into contact with those familiar, warm brown eyes I had grown so fond of. He gave me a small smile and sat down on the bed in front of me placing his hand comfortingly on my back.

My body instantly gave into his touch, the twisting nerves in my stomach subsiding at the contact. His other hand, now tracing the redness of my skin, wiped away the very few tears that had fallen after Tony left me.

“Baby,” he said gently this time, giving my cheek one more stroke of his thumb before leaning down and kissing me. At that moment I let go, the swelling in my heart too much for me to handle. I sat up in the bed, pushing him back as well so we were both in a sitting position, and wrapped a hand around his neck pulling him closer to me. Tony was right. I needed Vic.

He kissed me back as eagerly as I kissed him, putting every ounce of emotion that we had into it. He was desperate to let me know that he was there for me and I was desperate for his comfort. I didn’t even realize that I had started crying again until the familiar salty taste invaded our lips.

He pulled back slightly, detaching his lips from mine but wrapping his arms around my waist as I threw mine around his neck, hugging him tightly. Burying my face into his chest, I sobbed and he didn’t try to stop me. He just held me close and hummed a melody in my ear, kissing my cheek every now and then.

It was at that moment that I realized how lucky I was to have him. Yes, he’s a bit strong sometimes, but he knows when to be gentle and he knows how to make me feel safe. Right now he was treating me like I was a delicate piece of glass close to breaking and it was the simple strokes on my back or the warmth of his breath against my neck that held me together.

My crying soon let up and I pushed myself away from him. The look on his face was unreadable. Sniffling, I shifted and sat back onto the bed as I waited for him to say something.

“Let’s go,” he said after a moments worth of silence. I raised a brow in confusion. I didn’t know where he planned on going, but I wanted to say here and weep some more. I pulled my arm out of his grip and shook my head in defiance.

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, standing up from the bed and placing his hands on his hips. He was incredibly cute standing there with an authoritative look in his eyes, but I wasn’t giving in. I didn’t have the energy to go anywhere.

“Kellin, I know that you’re upset right now and you have every right to be, but I’ll be damned if you think I’m going to let you lay here in bed all day and cry. It’s not good for you.” He warned.

He was right, of course he was right, but I shrugged still skeptical. “Where are we going?”

“The art museum,” he answered and that surprised me a bit. It’s a place I had wanted to go for a while now, but never found the time. “It’s perfect. We’ll have a little talk and afterwards we’ll meet the guys for dinner or something. Deal?”

I really didn’t want to go back out into the world today, but Vic was set on making me deal with my issues in a therapeutic way. I wouldn’t say no to that. Besides, it was the art museum. I couldn’t pass it up.

“Deal,” I answered reluctantly. He smiled in triumph at my answer and took my hand in his. Upon standing, I felt a warm pair of lips meet my own and I smiled at the action, kissing him back just as tenderly.

+


We had been at the museum for a little over an hour and not once did Vic bring up what happened earlier today. He held my hand as we walked from exhibit to exhibit and talked to me about Elvis Presley. Apparently Vic was rediscovering his love for the late King of Rock and Roll and he wanted me to hear all about it. I was thankful for the distractions of course, but I didn’t understand what he was getting it. He was treating me like I was normal, like the day was normal and I hadn’t almost passed out in front of an entire classroom. I was puzzled.

Now we were in a room of mostly mirrors. There were decals along the floor, black lights in one room and fluorescent bulbs in another. The ceilings were covered in glass mirrors, as were the walls, and it made the entire exhibit look endless. To start, Vic chose the room the black lights, lacing his fingers with mine as he pushed open one of the glass doors. Upon entering I couldn’t help but gasp; the sight unlike anything I had ever seen before.

Vic shut the door behind us and took my hand in his once again. I glanced from corner to corner, seeing my reflection repeating itself over and over. We were the only two in here and for some reason that made me nervous.

Staring at my reflection in one mirror, I took note of my appearance. I didn’t look too bad, honestly. The tears had stopped when Vic and I first got here and the red blotches on my cheeks had faded a good bit. My hair was still a mess and my clothes were semi wrinkled, but overall I looked okay.

Shifting my eyes towards Vic, I watched as he sat down on the ground, lifting his gaze to meet mine in the mirror. He held my stare for a moment, gazing longingly at me before motioning for me to join him on the floor. I was hesitant, afraid of what would happen if someone walked in here but Vic didn’t care. So I walked over and sat down next to him.

We didn’t speak for at least an entire minute. He stared at the dots on the floor whilst I stared at him. I’d give anything to know what was going through his head right now. Did he bring me here to break up with me? Or was he planning on giving me some kind of warning?

So many questions that needed answered and I finally got them when he exhaled a discontent sigh. “Tell me what happened,” he said.

I stalled for a moment. We were finally going to talk about this and that uneasy feeling in my stomach was starting to creep up again. My foot began to shake out of habit, but Vic rested a hand on my knee, forcing me to keep eye contact with him. When I did, he gave a warm smile and inhaled deeply through his nose, exhaling slowly out of his mouth. He was making me do breathing exercises with him.

I smiled fondly at the gesture. He was so fucking good to me. I finally let everything spill out and to my surprise, I didn’t cry. He listened intently, nodding his head when I’d say something worth recognition to show that he was actually paying attention.

“It just feels like I’m backsliding,” I whispered after we both fell quiet once again. “It feels like all of the progress that I made has completely disappeared and I’m back at square one. I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t making progress at all.”

“Kellin,” Vic frowned at my latter statement. He shook his head and scooted closer to me, wrapping his arms around my body and squeezing. “You think you haven’t made progress? You think you haven’t done anything?”

I nodded against him, but didn’t speak.

“Look around. Where are you?” He asked.

I blinked back tears and lifted my head, staring at him first before letting my eyes roam around the mirrored room.

“An art museum,” I said.

“An art museum where?”

“Boston?”

He grinned at my response, nodding his head slowly. "You left the comfort on your own home and all familiarity behind to come here. Do you know how big that is? It's a huge deal, man. Leaving home and going somewhere new is difficult for some people but you did that. And you should be proud of that. You are making progress, Kels. But you're not going to better this quickly. It's going to take time but you're gonna get there. Don’t you dare give up. Be proud of your achievements, no matter how small. Eventually those bad days will happen less and less and you’ll be able to tackle the bigger stuff."

I looked at him in disbelief. Words escaped me and I didn’t know what to say as a response to that. He was so…knowing, smart.

"So you had a relapse. Don’t let yourself get stuck. Sometimes it happens but you can beat it, Kellin. You've done it before and you can do it again." He said reassuringly. His words were comfort and I appreciated that he understood so well. I knew that I would have to do this on my own. Vic couldn’t magically fix me and I didn’t expect him to, but his support definitely helped.

"Were you ever scared of anything?" I decided to ask since we seemed to be on the topic of fear.

"Of course I was. When I was a kid I was terrified of the world, of growing up. Shit, I had some of the same fears that you had. After the incident with Celeste, something in me just clicked and I grew into a new person.”

I couldn’t wait for the day where that happened to me.

"Are you scared of anything now?" I pressed, though I doubted it. He was fearless.

To my surprise he laughed, nodding his head and biting his lip.

“What?” I asked, curiosity radiating within me.

“You,” was all he said. My mouth dropped open and he stood up, smiling down at me and reaching for my hand. I wanted to ask why, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wouldn’t say. With his words still playing in my head, I took his hand and followed him out of the room. Wondering how I could ever possibly scare him.
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I lost two recs so that's kind of discouraging but oh well you can't please everyone. Anyway, I decided to update this instead of my other fic because yeah. This has been happening a lot lately and I couldn't stop thinking about it so.

Also, lately I've felt kind of disconnected from writing and I'm sorry if that shows in each update but it's extremely hard to adult and write at the same time, especially when you have a mind like mine. I'm trying really hard to fix it though so don't leave me yet.

As always thanks so much for reading. Comments are nice, I like knowing you're thoughts. Bye friends.