More Like a Movie

Vic.

I was proud of Kellin for finding what he loved to do and pursuing it. It’s not often that you meet someone as dedicated, and talented, as him. I fully supported everything he did and I was happy he was taking his writing seriously, but after our encounter in my room last week, he had been keeping his distance from me; even acting a little strange. I was sure part of his attitude was because of the small exchange we had that day in my room, but I thought that he’d be over it by now. I’ve even apologized to him, but that only seemed to make him more upset, looking at me with guilt in his eyes.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned. I had truly fallen for Kellin and the thought of him hiding something from me broke my heart. He’d always been upfront and honest, telling me all of his secrets even if I didn’t want to hear them, but that’s why I felt different around him. That’s why I could trust him.

Did I do something wrong? He barely responds when I hold him, doesn’t kiss me like he used to. I knew that it sounded pathetic, but I didn’t want him to lose interest in me. I was in love with him. Sure, sometimes I could be a bit too forward with him, but I felt like it was important that he hear the truth. When he first arrived here he was stuck in a fairytale, liking his little land of make believe more than the life he had in front of him. Now he still has that love and passion, but he could understand the difference between reality and screen. At least I thought he could.

Whatever was going on, I’d figure it out, but right now I had other things on my mind. It was date night and I had a lot planned for Kellin and I. Mostly, I just wanted to spend time with him and sit down and have a conversation with him. When he wasn’t avoiding me or rejecting my advances, he was writing or in class. That left very little time for us.

I made my way down his hallway, our rooms no longer on the same floor since Mike and I had been moved up one. Now I had to plan my moves accordingly. I couldn’t just sneak out in the middle of the night to a few doors down and find him there waiting for me. It was pretty shitty, considering what was happening with our relationship right now. I cringed at the thought. This boy was changing me and making me touch on insecurities I hadn’t felt in a long time. I didn’t like it.

I finally made it to his room and was just about to knock on his door when my phone buzzed. Groaning, I pulled it out of my pocket only to find a message from Kellin.

I’m so sorry I got held up in class. I’m on my way now just give me like five minutes.

That’s all it said. I rolled my eyes and opened his door anyway, knowing that it would be unlocked. I figured I’d just kill some time and fuck around on my phone until he got here. I’d recently downloaded a new game, so I plopped down in his desk chair and went to tap on it when another message popped up.

I love you. This one said and that was all I needed. The bad feelings began melting away and I had high hopes that tonight we’d be able to get our groove back.

Deciding I no longer wanted to play, I set my phone down on his desk and that’s when I noticed that his laptop was on and open with a document pulled up. Upon closer inspection I noticed that it was his screenplay and I quickly tore my eyes away.

He was very secretive with it and every time I asked if I could read it, he’d snap. I didn’t understand why, but I knew that Kellin had always been a little hesitant sharing his writing with others so I never pushed. However, I couldn’t just ignore that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. What if the reason he’s been so cold is because there’s something in here he doesn’t want me to see?

I bit my lip, looking at Kellin’s door before returning my eyes to the laptop. It was wrong of me to snoop, I know, and I shouldn’t be thinking what I was, but even though my mind was screaming at me not to do it, I had to follow that gut wrenching feeling. So, carefully – without touching any keys – I pulled the object towards me and took one deep breath before scrolling.

I felt like such an asshole invading his privacy like this, but I had to know. Reading it, nothing seemed harmful. It was just the basics about his past, his family, his friends and what he’s done here at school. Nothing was out of the ordinary until I continued to scroll and came across a familiar name. Why would Kellin put Jerry in here? They only met that one time and then had brief exchanges when we’d stop by to see him. I didn’t see how that was relevant to Kellin’s storyline.

Then I read the start of the next paragraph.

My heart sank as I read the events of that night. Kellin got every detail right and if I hadn’t felt so deceived, I would have been impressed by how vivid his memory was. He nailed everything from the color of Jerry’s makeshift scarf to the type of shoes I was wearing.

I felt the anger begin to bubble as my fingers continue to scroll through it. Time felt like it was frozen and it was just me sitting there with my left fist clenched on Kellin’s old, wooden desk. I didn’t know what I wanted to do more: cry or scream.

Feeling sick, I pushed the chair out from under the desk and stood, pacing around the front of the room with my hands in my hair. Rage slowly began to stir and I knew I had to calm down before Kellin came back, but I wasn’t sure how.

I felt betrayed; heartbroken that Kellin completely trashed his promise to me. I couldn’t believe he’d go behind my back like that. After everything I’ve told him, everything we’ve shared he just fucking disregards me like I’m a pebble on the street.

His door cracked open and I tensed, lifting my head to find him walking in. His eyes caught mine and he gave me a small smile, tossing his bag onto the floor by the door before walking over to me. He stood so the toes of his shoes were touching mine and pressed a kiss to my lips.

I barely responded. I couldn’t. And he noticed. Pulling away from me, the frown returned to his face and he tilted his head in confusion. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

I thought hard about what I would say to him. More than anything I wanted to blow up, go off on him and call him out but at the same I didn’t because I didn’t want to lose him. He pissed me off so much, but I still needed him in my life. Exploding on him would only push him further away. So I had to take my second approach, the next best thing, and tell him the truth, calmly but firm.

“You left your laptop open,” I laughed in disbelief. In front of me Kellin stood still, gnawing at his bottom lip. That was new. I’d never seen him do that before, but my guess was his growing anxiety. Kellin had all of these little habits, mannerisms that he did when he was feeling a certain way. I guess this happens when he’s guilty.

He cleared his throat and glanced to the computer on the desk, closing his eyes and mouthing the word ‘fuck’. “You read my screenplay?”

My lips drew into a straight line as I turned away from him, sitting back down in his chair. I placed my hands on my knees and took a few deep breaths before opening my mouth. I didn’t want to say something I’d regret so I decided on three little words that said enough.

“I’m in it.”

His face fell. He knew he had done wrong, but he also knew that I did too. So instead of apologizing, he tried to turn the tables around on me. “I told you I didn’t want you to read that!” he snapped.

“And I told you not to put me in it, Kellin!” I fired back, catching him off guard. Standing up, I balled my fists at my sides, feeling my nails digging into my palms. He was pissing me off.

“Oh, Vic,” he groaned, “You’re a part of my life. I had to do it. Get over it.”

“Excuse me?” I asked, stunned by his choice of words. He didn’t back down though, only shrugged and sat on his bed.

“You’re a part of my life, my story. If this were a movie, you’d be right there with me. It’s not like it’s anything bad. Did you even read all of it? I fucking praised you in it, like I do every time I’m with you!” He shouted the last bit.

Only one thing stood out to me though and that was “his movie”. Movie this and movie that; I was so fucking sick of it. “Kellin listen to me,” I warned him. “This isn’t a fucking movie,” I hissed. “How many times do I have to explain that?”

Kellin didn’t say anything, not moving a muscle, only sitting there on the edge of his bed refusing to make eye contact with me. So this was how he was going to play it? By acting like a child and ignoring the situation?

Fine, I could do it too.

“I’m leaving,” I stated coldly, not even glancing at him as I walked past him to the door.

“Vic, wait,” he stood to follow me, placing a hand on my shoulder but I stepped out of his grip. “Where are you going?” He whimpered.

I had a destination in mind, but I’d never tell Kellin, even if we weren’t fighting. He could never know. “Out,” was what I chose to say to him, hand going to the doorknob and turning.

“Vic!” He insisted.

I threw open the door and turned to look at him. His eyes were watering, filled with unshed tears and as sick as it was, I’d never seen him more beautiful. I shook my head at how stupid I was being and stepped away.

“Don’t follow me.”

“Please!”

“I said I’m going out, Kellin! What the fuck, do you need a time and place to document for your script, too?”

He looked taken aback by my words and he had every right to be. I was fuming. I didn’t even want to look at him. Without saying another word, I left him there, not bothering to look back even when he called my name.



I ended up at Danny’s. It was freezing outside, my sweatshirt barely providing the warmth I needed to stay safe in these frigid temperatures, but I refused to stop back at my dorm. Being anywhere near Kellin at the moment was out of the question. If I went back to my room he’d find me, beg me to talk to him and because I’m an idiot, I would have. Then we’d probably go back to normal and fall into a comfortable routine until this was brought up again.

I needed to get my mind off of it and at the time, I could only think of one way how. After the first time something bad happened, I went to Danny and then out of habit I just kept going back because it was a distraction.

Knocking on the door, I expected him to answer quickly. Danny was the type of guy that never liked to keep anybody waiting. Sure enough, seconds later he was standing in front of me with an alarmed look on his face.

“Hey man,” I offered, smiling a little to try and lighten him up. As soon as he knew it was me, I could see the disappointment on his face. So much for me staying on the right track.

“Vic, what are you doing here?” He shook his head sadly. “I thought-”

“Can I come in? It’s freezing out here.” I cut him off because I knew I was about to get a lecture and I wasn’t in the mood for that. He looked hesitant, but all I had to do was pout and he was nodding his head, stepping aside so I could walk through.

I wasn’t surprised when I entered Danny’s apartment and was met with a large number of people. He was quite the social butterfly despite what he did as a hobby. He had a lot of friends.

He placed a hand on my shoulder and I took that as my cue to tear my eyes away from the people in front of me and plant them back on him.

“Are you sure?” He asked and although on my walk over here there was a moment of hesitation on my part, I quickly dismissed it.

“Yes.”

“Alright then,” he dropped his hand and started towards the bedroom down the hall. “Wait here.”

I did as I was told and found an empty spot on one of the couches, taking a seat and making myself comfortable. As I glanced amongst the faces of everyone in here, my eyes found a familiar one. He looked exactly the same, his hair still that dirty shade of blonde, but I did notice a couple of new tattoos. I couldn’t help but laugh. It had been forever since I’d seen him.

His name was Craig and we used to hook up a lot when I first started school here, but then he wanted to get serious and I ended it. Relationships scared me then and they continued to scare me until Kellin came along. That fucking kid changed so much in such a short amount of time, too.

I sighed a little too loudly and caught the attention of a few guests, Craig being one of them. As soon as he saw me, his entire face lit up, smile reaching his eyes. Out of instinct, I smiled back and offered a small wave of my hand. I didn’t want to get caught up in conversation with him. I just wanted to get what I needed from Danny and be on my way.

It was a little too late though, Craig already standing up and making his way towards me. On his strut over he not so subtly checked me out, trailing his eyes up my body and landing on my face. I appreciated it, that he was still clearly attracted to me after all this time, but nothing was going to happen. I was committed.

That thought in mind, I stood up and headed down the hall to where I knew the bathroom would be. I locked myself in and turned on the faucet, splashing cold water onto my face. This was so fucked up. I just wanted to things to go back to normal, like they were over break where it was just Kellin and I, lying in his bed, talking about nothing like it was everything.

Whatever. I couldn’t change what happened so I just had to continue on and move forward from here. When I was confident enough I could go back out there and talk to Craig, I turned off the water and left. The moment I stepped into the hallway I bumped into another person. I wasn’t surprised when that person turned out to be that very boy I wanted to avoid.

“Vic,” he said softly, leaning forward to hug me. I tensed a little but decided there was no harm in returning the gesture, so I wrapped my arms around him lightly, taking in the scent of pot mixed with beer.

“Hey Craig,” I whispered, giving him a little squeeze and pulling away. His smile was bright, like he was genuinely happy to see me and that sort of made me happy. We didn’t exactly end on the best of terms so it was nice to know that he didn’t hate me.

“What are you doing here? I thought you left this all behind,” he chuckled but he was right. I did.

“Just needed a little help, that’s all,” I said to him and started making my way back to the living room. However it proved to be difficult when Craig took my wrist in his fingers and held me back. I groaned, so not up for this shit right now. “Craig, what are you doing?”

“We should catch up,” he suggested, that suggestion followed by the gentle brush of his finger up the side of my arm. I knew too well what that meant; I had given in to that very touch multiple times in the past and no matter how pissed off I was at Kellin, I’d never do this to him. It was a struggle to get out of Craig’s hold but when I finally managed, I pushed him away.

“It was nice to see you, man,” I knew he wasn’t in the right state of mind and he wouldn’t even remember this in a couple of hours so there was no need to argue. “I really hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry.”

With that I left him and went back to find my spot, only to see it was taken by a new couple. I thought about just leaving until I saw Danny walking towards me with his hands enclosed around something.

“There’s a kid at your school expecting this,” he said slipping one of the bags in my hand. He had a pleading look in his eyes when his face met mine. “Please be careful, Vic. Don’t get caught.”

I swallowed thickly, but bobbed my head. I would be careful. I wasn’t looking for trouble. He let out a shaky breath and maneuvered his body to slip his other hand into my pocket. “That one is for you. Just in case.” He gave me a wink and left me to my own devices.

I felt overwhelmed, needing to get out of that stuffy room. I stumbled my way to the door, almost slipping when my shoes connected with the pavement. The white powder on the ground made me swear. I’d only been gone for a little while and it had started to snow. Again.

Remembering what was in my hand, I discretely opened my palm and saw a little note attached to the bag. It was the name and location of where I could find the recipient so even though I was freezing cold, I decided to get the job done that way I could go home and decide what to do for myself.



Kellin was sitting against my door when I got back to my floor. The second he saw me jumped up and ran, throwing himself into my arms. As upset as I was, I hugged him back, because damn it I missed him and after being in that environment I just wanted something comforting, something familiar.

“I’m so sorry,” he whimpered, fingernails clawing at my back, trying to hug me tighter. I felt something wet on my shirt, followed by soft sobbing and I knew it was Kellin crying. I continued to hug him, but didn’t respond to his words. I understood he was sorry, but I couldn’t forgive him.

I adored him so much, but he really did hurt me, whether he saw it as a big deal or not my heart was crushed. He betrayed my trust and I didn’t know if I could look past that.