More Like a Movie

When it rains it’s almost breathtaking. The city becomes gray; dark, ominous clouds covering the sky, capturing you in a bubble of gloom with the only form of light coming from the streetlamps that hang above the sidewalks or the cars that speed by, narrowly missing you with dirty street water by a mere inch. The world seems quiet with a stillness that no one ever wants to disturb unless they’re a child jumping in the puddles, or the lightning that strikes a little too close. Maybe the thunder that claps just loud enough to make your heart stop. It was nature and it was beautiful. And I liked rainy days.

That was until today when the sky grew sad and the raindrops sang their song against my window. I had found safety in the storm, mind at ease listening to it shower outside to ignore the torrential downpour occurring in my heart.

Of all of things I could have possibly felt, I didn’t expect loneliness to be one of them. With Vic not speaking to me and the guys too caught up in their own personal business, I didn’t do much of anything except submerse myself in academics and work on my portfolio. It was great in the sense that I got my work done and allowed myself to learn without distraction, but it sucked when late at night I’d expect goodnight kisses and go to sleep without so much as a text message.

We weren’t broken up and that was the hard part. He wanted time and space so I let him have it. It seemed that no matter what I tried, I always ended up making the situation worse so I decided to let it go, remove myself from the equation and let him figure out his shit on his own. That’s what I should have done in the first place.

The thing was, however, that I expected to feel more than just lonely. I thought I’d be upset; heartbroken, and I think on some level I was, but I was just burying it. Those emotions, those feelings, weren’t breaking the surface yet, probably just manifesting underneath so I didn’t care. I felt hollow.

Empty.

But I thought a lot. I made the mistake of letting my creative mind take over the logical part and began piecing bits together, creating scenarios in my head like I used to. And I came to the conclusion that this was the fall. This was the part of the story where everything began to crumble for me. I was just waiting for something to go wrong. If only I would have stopped, if I would have fought to keep my mind safe and sound in the real world, what happened this evening never would have happened. I wouldn’t have lost my breath of fresh air. I would still love the rain.

But I was a fool. And I proved that when Vic showed up to my dorm, standing in the hall on Tony’s two dollar doormat with soaked hair sticking to his cheeks and drenched clothes dragging him down. He looked at me with such sadness in his eyes and that should have been the first sign, but the second I saw him, especially in that state I couldn’t stop myself or the incredible need I had to take care of him, so I left all common sense out in the hall and pulled him inside.

He was shivering to the touch, the hoodie he had worn to keep him warm in these frigid temperatures nearly frozen solid on his body. I wanted to scold him for not wearing a coat, or carrying an umbrella for that matter, but I had so many other thoughts running through my mind that I couldn’t even voice my concerns.

Together we stripped him of his clothes. It had been a couple of days since I had seen him, so I didn’t stop myself from divulging in a little pleasure and let my eyes quickly sweep over his frame before he had the chance to catch me. I admired his every movement and the contours of his body; the one that used to belong to me, the one I could touch whenever I wanted, kiss when I felt the urge. Now I was afraid to even look at him without permission.

“What are you doing here?” My question broke the silence, an unspoken fear hidden within each word. He could sense it too judging by the way his movements came to a pause before he started up again, this time slipping out of his shoes.

“I had to talk to you.” Those words should have made my heart flutter, but his voice wasn’t as charming as it usually was. I didn’t get that sense of passion that I used to. He didn’t have to talk because he missed me. He had to talk because he had something to say. And I had a feeling I knew what it was.

I gestured for us to have a seat on the bed, but he refused so I opted to stand even though I felt as though I could pass out at any minute. Every scenario I had pictured in my head over the past few days was finally starting to replay in my mind. Fear coursed through my veins, thoughts of Vic saying he didn’t want me anymore taking over, so much so that I couldn’t keep it in anymore; the word vomit.

“Is this it?” I blurted out without thinking it through. Knowing Vic this would irritate him even more than he already was, but I couldn’t stop myself. Too many thoughts, not enough space. I had to empty my brain somehow.

He clenched his jaw and gave me a look. I’d angered him now. How I wished rewind worked in real life.

“What do you mean ‘is this it’?” His voice was steady, but there was that hint of animosity seeping through the words.

“I-I mean are you breaking up with me now?” I cursed myself for starting out with a stutter. I could fix it, though. I had to be tough, put up a shield so when this finally went to shit, I wouldn’t be hurt in front of him. “It’s been a long time coming, right? You’ve been avoiding me for a reason, probably thinking about the best way to go about it. I’ve been preparing for this, actually. The time frame suggests it and all so I assumed it would happen soon.”

I felt like such an idiot, speaking before thinking, and at that moment when hatred flashed in Vic’s eyes, I realized why my mother always said to think before you speak.

“You don’t stop, do you?” He asked incredulously. “You’re always looking for something to go wrong. You’re still living in that land of make believe. Are you ever going to grow up, Kellin? Are you ever going to act like a real fucking person instead of a character?”

I bit my tongue to hold in a sassy remark. His words had hurt me. He knew exactly where to hit to induce the most pain and he wasn’t holding back. It was like every ounce of disdain he ever had for me was showing right now.

“Why don’t you quit looking for something to go wrong? Can’t you just appreciate what is right here in front of you? God, this isn’t a fucking movie, Kellin. Your life is not a screenplay! There is no rise and fall. There is no plot or climax. Just you. And me. And real fucking life. Our fucking life!” He yelled.

My eyes shot up to his when he said our life. At one point in time he had included me in his life, like I had him in mine. We were going through this together and here I was, single handedly tearing it apart. I wanted to tell him he was right, be the person I knew I could be and apologize, but I was so afraid to speak that I just didn’t.

“Damn it!” He slammed his fist into the palm of his hand and inched closer to me. I could feel his hot breath fanning against my face; hear the anger in each wave of air that left him. He was so close and if I thought it would fix anything, I would have thrown my arms around him but at this point, he’d only push me away. He was right, he was so right. Why couldn’t I say anything?

“You want your drama, Kellin?” His voice asked a lot calmer than before, but that frustration was still there. What used to be love in his eyes had transitioned to something dark, something unforgiving. I couldn’t fix this, but I had to try so I shook my head no, admitting that I didn’t want this, I was wrong. I was so wrong. But he wasn’t having it. He was done. “How about that heartbreaking plot twist?” He almost taunted. Now he was just pushing buttons, doing what he could to hurt me the way I had hurt him. I deserved it, I guess.

I could feel myself close to tears, but I was afraid to look at Vic. I wanted to see that love we once shared, but I was never going to get that back. Not after the way I had been acting. Not after this. I swallowed that lump in my throat and glanced up at him, his face softened and eyes looking helpless. He looked just as hurt and a sinking feeling made its way to my stomach. I knew what he was doing. I quickly tried to find my words, shaking my head no, furiously, but before I could get a thought out to stop him, he finished.

“Well, you got it. We’re over.”

And just like that, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Sobs were fast to escape me, tears falling from eyes in heavy motions like the rainfall outside and I held a hand over my chest, scrunching the fabric of my shirt beneath my fingers like clawing at it would make the pain stop. I felt my lips trembling and I tried so hard to speak, but I couldn’t.

“I don’t want to be with you anymore,” he said and I crumbled, taking a seat on the edge of the bed with my hand still over my heart. The taste of salt had invaded my lips and I was certain that I looked a mess, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“Vic, please,” I finally managed, looking up at him through blurry vision. To my surprise, his face mirrored mine, already tinged red and soaked with tears, those pretty brown eyes glistening. I brought a shaky hand up to try and touch him, but he pushed me away. He kept pushing me away. “Please don’t leave me,” I sobbed out still trying to process the fact that he had just broken up with me.

"I hope you find your happy ending Kellin," he spoke softly. I closed my eyes and groaned, my sobs hitting me harder. He didn’t seem to realize, maybe I didn’t seem to realize, that all I wanted was him. Whether I got a happy ending or not, I didn’t care. I just wanted him. "I'm going to London," he added on, twisting the knife in my heart even more. “It’s time to get away for a while.”

"Don't go," I pleaded through tears. "Vic, please. I love you so much." I must have sounded pathetic, begging him to stay with me when it was clear that his mind was made up. It had been for quite some time.

"You were so worried about something bad happening to us that you forgot I loved you too,” he whispered to me, bending down and pressing a kiss to my head. Loved, he said. Loved. I felt my heart clench all over again. "Funny thing is had this not happened, I never would have broken up with you."

Hearing that sentence I sobbed harder. Why did I have to go and fuck this up? Why couldn’t I be normal for once? I just lost the one person that I had grown to love so much because I had turned into some kind of monster. Someone so intense I barely even recognized myself. Vic meant the world to me and now he was leaving. Just like that.

"Goodbye Kellin," were his final words before he let go of me. My hand lamely reached for him once more as he threw on his soaking wet clothes again, but I was too late. He made up his mind and was already walking away from me, leaving me behind as the storm brewed inside of me. I looked up from the ground just in time to see him walk out of my door and out of my life.

That’s when I knew it was possible to feel like a rainy day.

And I hated rainy days.