Status: Complete! Thanks for reading!

More Like a Movie

free.

“Tony, maybe I should go,” I blurted out over the music, awkwardly reaching forward and grabbing onto my friend’s shoulder. I felt bad about interrupting his conversation with the pretty brunette to his right, but I was beginning to feel too overwhelmed; the loud noises and stuffy scene making my anxiety levels rise and breathing a difficulty.

Hearing my words, Tony spun on his heels, head nearly bumping into mine in the process. He offered a faint smile and steady hand, holding onto me and pulling me close. Tonight he wanted to go out, just the two of us, so I could experience something other than the profound sadness I had been holding in over the past four days. Honestly, it felt like weeks, but really it was just that. Four days.

I tried my best to move on, but apparently my way wasn’t working. Every morning when I woke up, I had that heaviness in my heart and when I went to sleep at night, I saw the life I used to have every time I closed my eyes. I tried to distract myself with good things like taking walks around the city and eating fresh baked apple pie, but those little things just didn’t make a difference. I was still in pain and I didn’t want to mourn anymore; I just wanted to feel better. Every bitter thought, every ounce of heartbreak – I wanted it gone, ripped out of me and destroyed. How could it still hurt this much?

Vic had a bigger effect on me than I thought and it was starting to fuck with my head. Trying to focus on school didn’t clear the memory of his lips on my skin, convincing myself to hate him didn’t stop that flutter in my stomach every time I looked a picture of us. I was torturing myself and it was pathetic. If he saw me now, he’d be disappointed in me and fuck, I was disappointed in myself. I had to prove that I could survive without him and then maybe, just maybe, I’d go back to the way I was before I met Vic Fuentes.

Was that something I wanted, though? Vic brought out so many great changes in me. He showed me a new perspective, helped me find my strong voice, and reassured me of my brilliance. Everything I experienced with him was beneficial to me from our childish fights to our late night heart to heart talks. He was special and as much as it hurt, I didn’t want to forget everything that we had. I really didn’t want him to, either.

But this wasn’t healthy; wishing for someone who made it clear that we were over. Four days and I haven’t heard a word from him, haven’t seen him in the halls, not bumping into him at the diner. It was awkward and uncomfortable, my life without Vic, but I supposed it was what I had to get used to. And I would. With a little help from my friends and the reminder that I’m still living, I could go on.

“I’m not letting you leave here, Kellin,” Tony smiled, still moving his hips to the beat of the music. The sight was ridiculous and I laughed a little, maybe the first real laugh since the breakup. I wouldn’t lie, it felt good to be out and having my mind on something else other than the stress of school or the shit in my personal life, but I was uncomfortable here. Even with all of the changes and transformations I had gone through over the past year, I still couldn’t handle this. I was way out of my element.

“Tony, please. I don’t feel good. I’m tired and I really just want to go home.” I pouted, hoping that he would give in and at least enjoy the fact that I actually took a shower and got dressed up to go out tonight.

“Kellin,” he whined, taking my hands in his and pulling me closer to the dance floor. “No.” He insisted and as after he laced our fingers, started moving my arms with his, occasionally bumping his hip into mine and forcing me to twirl and even dip. It was humiliating, but I didn’t stop smiling.

So it was nice to not have a care, to let a laugh out and dance with my friend to some shitty electronic song while the girl behind him watched us in awe. Part of me still wanted to leave, but I’d wait around for a little and see where the night took me. The possibilities were endless, right? I was a free man now.

Eventually the song ended and Tony finally let my hands go, replacing the gesture with an arm over my shoulder instead. Escorting me off the dance floor, he held a finger up to the girl he had been flirting with all night, telling her that he’d be right back probably after he dumped me elsewhere.

“Listen, Kellin,” he said loudly as we made our way to the bar and away from the crowd. “You look hot as hell tonight and you should be using that to your advantage.” He pulled away from me and pushed me down onto one of the chairs that lined the counter top. “There are plenty of guys in here that would be in to you. You don’t need a boyfriend, you don’t need to get attached. Just…find a little fun.” His statement was followed up with a wink and my jaw nearly dropped. The thought of finding someone to hook up with tonight never even crossed my mind.

“I can’t,” I blurted out immediately, but he was quick to press a finger to my lips.

“I don’t want to hear it. Stop moping. Be free, Kellin Quinn.” He scolded me and scurried off to find his female friend, leaving me alone and in desperate need of a companion. His words had definitely had an effect on me. Could I actually follow his advice and be free? No, no. I wasn’t that type of guy. I didn’t have one night stands.

Then again, I didn’t do a lot of things until I moved here. Now I had some experience and I was finding out who I was. Maybe I could do a little more soul searching tonight. Vic didn’t care. He didn’t want me. He was leaving the fucking country so I shouldn’t worry about what he would think. We were over.

That was it. I was going to take Tony’s advice. I wanted to stop mourning and this was how. I’d sit at this bar and look cute. One of the things I gained on this journey was confidence and I knew that I looked good tonight, Tony’s words from earlier just reinforced that thought. Someone was bound to come over sooner or later and I’d allow myself to talk to them. Just a little fun.

+


I was amazed at how easy it was to catch the attention of some random guy, or three. It was maybe five minutes after Tony left me that someone came over and offered to buy me a drink. My hesitance came through right away but I found Tony on the dance floor, giving me a thumbs up so I accepted.

The first guy was way too old for me. Clearly someone in his early forties probably looking for some twink to hook up with while his poor, oblivious wife sat at home with the kids. I’d seen this type before lurking around the clubs in my old hometown. I saw the signs and could brace myself.

After I sent him away, another guy came over. He was much cuter, but too dull and somewhat stupid. I tended to avoid that type, too. I liked to have intellectual conversations with a person and even though this would only be for a night, I wouldn’t lower my standards.

The third and final guy was like a breath of fresh air, especially after the two morons I had encountered before him. His name was Daniel and he was 24. He was a few years older than me and attended a university one city over. I didn’t get into too much detail because Tony told me not to get attached. I was looking for a one time thing, not another relationship, but he seemed to meet the requirements and he was attractive, although not as attractive as Vic but he had some redeeming qualities. Short, choppy brown hair, the prettiest hazel eyes, and he was tall; fit with an incredible body.

“Kellin,” he sighed and the alcohol in my system really made me like the way my name sounded coming from his mouth. I giggled and leant into him, a way of telling him that he could continue and he did, slipping his arm around my waist and dragging me in closer. We had moved to a booth across the room in one of the darker corners of the establishment to give us some privacy. As he resituated himself to get closer, I could feel his hot breath cascading over my neck and for some reason, I liked it. “That’s such a pretty name,” he mused, giving my side a squeeze. “Kellin,” he sang again.

“Daniel’s not so bad either,” I winked feeling my face heat up with a blush when I looked up at him. He was smiling a little, bottom lip caught between his teeth as his eyes seemed to devour my body. I was beginning to feel a little warm, either from his lustful staring or the drinks I’d been consuming. In this state of mind, it was an incredible feeling to be wanted and suddenly I didn’t want to sit here anymore. I wanted to move and I wanted Daniel to join me.

“Let’s dance!” I insisted, giggling a little and finishing off my drink in one full swallow. He chuckled at my excitement and allowed me to push him out of the booth, holding onto my hands as I dragged him to the middle of the floor. I lost track of Tony a long time ago, but I didn’t need him to keep watch over me. I had an attractive male who was eagerly gripping onto my hips to keep me occupied.

The song changed just in time, Daniel spinning me around so my back was against his chest and his hands were roaming my sides. Letting myself be free, I threw my head back against his shoulder, one arm slipping around his neck as our bodies moved to the music. My head was a mess, throbbing and cloudy, but I didn’t have a care in the world and when Daniel pulled my ass against him I did what I wanted, grinding my body into his.

He leant forward a little, fingers digging into my hips and moaning every time I’d move. I could feel him getting harder; his lips against my ear allowing me to hear his shallow breathing that made my body shiver. When his lips brushed down my neck and I felt his tongue run along my skin, all thoughts went out the window and I turned his arms, tangling my fingers in his hair and bringing him down to kiss me.

His tongue wasted no time in prying apart my lips, eagerly brushing along my own while his hands dropped to my ass and squeezed. Against my better judgment, I gasped into his mouth and encouraged him to continue, pressing my body into his.

After a while, he broke the kiss, both of us panting heavily. That’s when I took the time to look up at him and felt my heart shatter. This wasn’t Vic. This wasn’t right. Realization kicked in and I struggled out of his firm hold, pushing away the man I just kissed. I knew the second I looked into those eyes and found hazel instead of brown, that I had made a terrible mistake. Hot tears began streaming down my face before I could stop them. I threw a hand over my mouth as all thoughts of Vic came crashing down around me. What would he think? He’d be disgusted with me. I know I am.

“Kellin?” Daniel reached forward, brushing his thumb across my cheek. I cringed at his touch and quickly backed away. “Come on, what’s wrong?”

“Please don’t,” I whimpered, stumbling back from the middle of the room and heading to where it was quiet. “I can’t do this.”

“Why?” He sounded irritated as he took a step closer.

“I just can’t. Please just leave me alone.” I said a little louder this time, heart clenching in regret. “I made a mistake.”

He looked like he wanted to argue, but decided that it would be a waste of time and he’d be better off finding someone else. He waved me off with an eye roll and retreated to the bar leaving me to slump to the floor, back against the wall. My head fell into my hands and I let myself cry. I shouldn’t have come out tonight. All I wanted was to make the pain go away and somehow ended up causing more.

+


Sticking around the club after what happened wasn’t an option for me. I didn’t even bother looking for Tony before bolting out of there. Since it was so close to the university, we decided to walk so I wouldn’t have a problem getting back I just had to remember to text Tony when I calmed down.

As I made my way down the alley, I pulled my arms tighter around myself. It was cold tonight and in favor of looking good, I decided to forgo a jacket though now I was regretting that decision. I was so stupid. I couldn’t believe I had actually let that happen. I shouldn’t have even gone out tonight. The second I agreed I had already felt like it would be a bad decision. This is what I get for not trusting my gut instincts.

Overwhelmed, I continued on the path towards the dorms and let the events of the night fester in my mind. I made out with someone who wasn’t Vic. I let another guy touch me and it felt like I cheated. That was stupid to think, but it was the only thought replaying in my head. I fucked up and I felt disgusting.

My frustration grew as I thought about it more and I let out a sob, furiously rubbing the back of my hand against my lips to get the taste of another man off of me. The only person to ever touch me or kiss me like that had been Vic and now that was different. Now someone else had held me the way Vic had and I didn’t like that. God, I was such an idiot.

I’d get through this, though. Maybe it was just too early for me to try and live it up like Tony said. I still needed time to process and get myself together. I’d get there eventually. I had to, right?

That thought was the only thing that kept me from falling apart on the snow covered ground. I kicked at the blanket of white beneath my feet and sighed, watching as my breath danced in front of me. It was freezing out tonight but I already felt numb. At this point it was just a matter of getting back to the dorms so I could pass out and start new tomorrow.

I was coming close, I could tell that much because I saw the familiar diner in the distance. That wasn’t the only thing I noticed, however. In an empty lot just ahead there was a flicker of something orange. Like a bright light of some kind. Taking steps closer, I realized it was a fire with a group of men standing around it.

My eyes were still fuzzy, but upon closer inspection I thought I recognized one of them. He was wearing scraggly clothes and gloves with holes in them, but his laughter never died down and a bright smile remained etched on his face.

It was Jerry.

“Jerry?” I questioned though my voice came out cracked and weak.

The sound of his name caught his attention and he turned slightly, eyes searching for the noise. When he found me, his smile grew wider and he threw his arms up into the air.

“Kellin!” he cheered. “Is that you?”

I laughed a little and nodded my head, stepping forward so we were closer. I frowned when I noticed that he was shivering, guilt pooling within me. My guess was that all of the shelters were full tonight and that was unfortunate. I wish there was a way for me to help him.

“What brings you here?” He smiled and waved me closer to the fire. I didn’t want to steal the heat so I chose to stay put and gave him a shrug.

“I was out with a friend,” I mumbled and dropped my head.

We fell into a silence, the crackle of the fire and murmurs of the other men being the only form of noises. I hated that they had to stay here, especially on a night like this but I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t have enough money to help everyone. Jerry noticed when I began scanning the entire lot and gave me a warm smile, as usual.

“I heard Vic is heading off to London,” he said proudly and my stomach dropped.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“Oh, I saw him earlier today,” he replied.

My heart started beating faster at his admission and I wanted to cry again. He saw Vic today. I don’t know why that made me happy.

That happiness soon disappeared though when I looked up to find Jerry staring at me expectantly. I assumed Vic didn’t tell him about the break up.

“Uh, yeah,” I coughed awkwardly. “We broke up.”

His smile faltered a little and switched to something more sympathetic. Any time he would see us, he’d always comment on what a great couple we made. I guess he wasn’t expecting us to end any time soon, either.

“Well, maybe it’s for the best,” he decided to say and I scoffed.

“What do you mean?”

“College is a time to focus on yourself, isn’t it?” he asked and I nodded. “So maybe this is how some of us are meant to be. You part ways to work on yourselves individually. Maybe in the end he’ll come back for you and you can pick up where you left off when you’re both at a good place in your lives.”

Everything he said made sense, but the problem was I didn’t want that. I was selfish, I admit, and I just wanted Vic to myself. I didn’t want him to go away. He’d focus on himself and then realize that there’s so much more out there than me.

“What if he finds someone else?” I hated the thought, but I wanted his opinion on it. I don’t know why. Validation, probably.

He shrugged and placed his hands in front of the fire, warming them up as he spoke. “That’s a possibility, but you can’t fall out of love with someone who was the breath of your life that quickly.”

I looked at him in shock, hearing those words sent my heart into a frenzy. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, Kellin,” he chuckled lightly. “Victor came to see me a lot. And our conversations almost always ended up being about you. He once told me that meeting you was like finding the breath to his life.”

I could feel the tears starting up again; my heart absolutely breaking. He really did love me.

“If that’s the case,” he said, “then you have nothing to worry about.”

I could only hope that Jerry was right. It was incredible how positive he always seemed, even with everything that he had been through.

“Optimism,” he commented like he was reading my mind. “I’ve hit rock bottom, kid. I’ve got nowhere left to go but up.”

“So what do I do?” I shifted uncomfortably, my entire body feeling as though it was frozen over.

“You have two choices. You can fight to get him back, which might just backfire on you and push him away even more.” He pointed out. “Or you can just accept it and continue on with your life.”

Jerry was wise. He’d seen a lot of shit in his life and he was always right. I can’t force Vic to be with me and I have to let him go to make his own decisions without me holding him back. He needs to come to the conclusion that he wants me all on his own.

I had to let him go.
♠ ♠ ♠
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