More Like a Movie

I’m the type of person who gets into bed early with every intention of falling asleep the second my head hits the pillow. It’s a nice thought, getting warm in bed and letting sleep take over. However, that never goes according to plan. Once I’m finally comfortable and relaxed, I find myself staring at the ceiling, thinking about my life and all of the things I have yet to accomplish. I guess you can say I go through a mini identity crisis. Who am I? Where am I going? Is any of this even worth it anymore? Then, after asking myself a few philosophical questions, the next thing I know I’m glancing at the clock, seeing that it’s 3:00 am and I should really be going to sleep.

On nights when I have it rough, and let’s face it, that’s most nights, I take melatonin. It’s a hormone that helps control sleep and it usually works pretty well for me. Two little tablets and within 30 minutes of consumption, I’m passing out.

That was exactly the case last night. The two weeks were up which meant that classes were starting tomorrow and my anxiety was reaching a whole new level. That made sleep rare to come by.

It was morning, I could feel it in my bones. I had that stiffness in my shoulders and a twinge in my back that told me I had been sleeping in the same position for too long. Slowly I began to stir, moaning lightly at the fact that my body was so uncomfortable. Blinking open my eyes, I got the feeling that I was being watched and I immediately rolled over, snapping upright when I saw Vic and Tony sitting at the edge of my bed.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I groaned, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes and rubbing the sleep away.

“You’re an absolute delight in the morning,” Vic said in that sarcastic tone of voice I’d grown to loathe. Ignoring his comment, I pushed my body up higher until my back was flat against the headboard. I tried bringing my blankets up to cover me, but their weight held them down. Vic looked at me curiously before turning his attention to Tony. “I told you we should have left him here,” he muttered.

I’ll admit, it kind of hurt that Vic would be so quick to just ditch me in whatever plans they had. The look on Tony’s face told him to stop with attitude, so I suppose that made me feel a little bit better. Someone actually wanted me around.

“I’ll ask again,” I grabbed their attention, breaking what seemed to be yet another stare down. They were friends, it was obvious, but frequently I wondered why. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re going to breakfast,” Vic answered quickly, cutting Tony off and not giving him the chance to speak. “I said you wouldn’t be interested, but good guy Tony thought otherwise.”

Smiling at Tony, I silently thanked him for wanting to include me. Over the past couple of days I’ve been hanging out with them, getting to know everyone better. I finally met Vic’s brother, Mike and he seemed to like me more than Vic did so I was thankful for that. I felt more comfortable around all of them, which really surprised me. I didn’t expect to warm up to someone, let alone a group of people, so quickly.

“I’d like that, thank you,” I said glaring directly at Vic who just rolled his eyes. I knew he didn’t want me to go, which was one of the main reasons I even agreed. If he wanted to hate me for no reason, I’d tag along everywhere just to annoy him.

“Awesome,” Tony clapped his hands together, lifting himself off of my bed and motioning for Vic to do the same. They both stood there staring at me, which made me feel uncomfortable since I was only wearing pajama bottoms. It wasn’t until now that I really got to assess the situation. “I’m going to go meet Jaime and Mike, we’ve uh…” he looked at Vic and then back to me. “We’ve got a few things to discuss.”

He left the room not even waiting for a response because he was well aware that both Vic and I would protest. Thing is though, I didn’t have a problem with him. He was the one who tried to avoid me at all costs, or make smart ass remarks anytime I said something.

I’m an extremely observant person, but it doesn’t take a genius to find out there’s a reason for his behavior. I get the inclination that he just has a bitchy personality, and that’s all well and good; some people are like that, but there’s a reason he’s so distant with me. I didn’t know what it was, and maybe I was being too nosey and stepping over a line, but I was going to find out.

“Are you going to continue to sit there and stare off into fucking space or are you actually going to get up and get ready?” Vic snapped, bringing me down from my thoughts.

I sighed and threw the blankets off of me, shivering as the coldness from the dorm surrounded me. “Can I at least take a shower first?” I asked with more attitude than I intended.

“I do not care,” he said with absolutely no emotion in his voice whatsoever as he grabbed a magazine from Tony’s desk and plopped down in the swivel chair provided. He didn’t say anything else to me as he spun the chair so it was facing the other side, and indulging in whatever fascinating article spread across the glossy pages.

After I finished getting ready, taking longer than I normally would just to piss Vic off, we made our way down to the cafeteria. The walk consisted mostly of Vic singing and walking at least three steps ahead of me. He was kind of quiet, but I could tell he had a beautiful voice on him. Although he was kind of testy and mean, I found myself quite intrigued by him and I wanted to get to know him better.

“Vic,” I called, but he didn’t stop walking, only slightly slowed his steps. Rolling my eyes, I picked up my own pace, jogging down the hallway to meet him. At first I thought maybe he’d try to run, but we soon fell into step, both keeping our distance. “Why do you hate me so much?”

Vic sighed and stepped closer to avoid running into a group of guys who were standing there talking. “I never said I hated you, Kellin. Don’t be so sensitive.”

“Right,” I murmured, voice going quiet. “Then why are you such a dick to me?”

“Oh, Christ,” he huffed, stopping in the middle of the hall. By now people were looking and I really hoped he wasn’t going to yell at me. I might have an attitude, but I don’t do well with confrontations. “What’s wrong, huh? Upset that not everyone is falling for your charming personality? Am I too rough for you? Am I hurting your poor little feelings, Kels?” He pouted in mockery. His next actions surprised me as he pushed me back, making a grunt leave my lips.

His proximity shocked me. I was practically against the wall now as he stood tall in front of me, one hand placed on the wall beside my head and the other tucking a piece of stray hair back underneath his beanie. I could feel his breath warming my skin every time he exhaled, but more than that, my mind was still tripping over the fact that he called me Kels, even though it was meant to make fun of me. His gaze hardened and I found myself feeling warm as nerves littered my body.

“N-no,” I finally stuttered, feeling my face flame up at the small fear of him being so close.

“If I hated you,” he growled, teeth gritting in the process. “You would know it.” His eyes scanned my face in search of something before coming back to meet my stare. It made me nervous how calm he was being for someone who seemed downright angry. It’s true that the calmest ones are the scariest.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, regretting how pathetic and weak I sounded. One of things I wanted to do in my new life was stand up for myself more and speak my mind. Only a couple weeks in and some guy has managed to break that for me.

Vic chuckled and brought his free hand up, tracing a line up the side of my face with his finger. “Don’t worry about it,” he smirked, opening his palm and giving me a playful slap. “Now if we’re done here, I’d really like to get some food now.”

I couldn’t do anything but nod in agreement and follow him down the hall and out of the building. Vic was intense and well, I liked that about him. To me, it was always important to surround myself with people who are headstrong and outspoken; passionate and fiery. It made things exciting and it inspired new characters for me to create. People like Vic were always the most fascinating and I think that’s why I kept talking to him.



When Vic and I got to the cafeteria there were only two available seats left on the one side of the booth. Vic gave Tony a knowing look before huffing, pointing for me to slide in first so he could follow. Doing as I was told I sat, letting my eyes can the room. There were a lot of students in here today, more than the other days and I was realizing just how big this school was. It was a little overwhelming for me to process, but I could get through it. I just had to breathe.

“So Kellin how are you feeling about starting classes tomorrow?” Mike looked up at me from eating, food hanging from his mouth as he offered me a lazy smile. On purpose or not, it made me laugh. Everyone, with the exception of Vic, grinned at my response and I was flooded with a warm feeling. I’ve noticed the past few days that they would all do little things to make me feel comfortable being around them.

“I’m uh, nervous,” I had no problems admitting. I had my two Monday and Wednesday classes with Tony and Vic, my Tuesday class with Jaime and then my Thursday class with Vic as well. It might not have been the best company, but at least it was some.

“What’s your first class again?” He responded with curiosity.

“Story analysis,” Vic answered before I got the chance. We glanced at each other but I shook it off. “Right up the screenwriter’s alley.”

Mike frowned but when he caught me staring at him he shrugged it off. “That must be pretty exciting for you then,” he grinned. “Have you written anything recently?” All of a sudden they were interested in my work and I felt a sense of pride wash over me. Usually my friends told me to be quiet, but these guys were interested.

“Yeah, actually, it’s kind of inspired by personal events.” I said to them, leaving out the part about how the main character was based off of me.

“Of course it is,” Vic muttered underneath his breath. I wanted to ask what his problem was but Mike was quick to shake his head no, telling me to be quiet. So, I listened, at least until Vic spoke up again. “And let me guess, the main character is a version of you, Kellin Quinn. Shy boy from a small town somewhere, never been in love, never had sex, and he’s just so cute and little that everyone just adores him.” His sarcasm never faltered and I was left sitting there speechless. Was I that easy to read? How could he possibly assume all of this?

“Vic, stop it,” Mike warned, but Vic brushed him off, standing up and walking towards the trays, grabbing one and disappearing into the room adjacent from us. My mouth hung open slightly, amazed at what just went on. It seemed like I struck a nerve, but how?

Main characters were important to me, and yes, this one in particular was especially meaningful. Vic was right, it was me, but it was an entirely open version with no secrets. It was the only way I could really present myself without having to do it for real. I didn’t feel like anything was wrong with that. Personally, I believe that one of the most important things of a character is their background, or history. It’s a chance to get to know the focal person of the story; gives us a better understanding and maybe even a chance to connect with them on some kind of level. And mine was interesting to me.

Vic was right about me. I’m 20 years old from a small town in east Michigan where I lived with my mother and sometimes my sister. I had a total of about four friends and my film teacher was my biggest role model. I got good grades, remained completely healthy and the only rebellious thing I’ve ever done was get a tattoo before I turned 18 and even then, I had my mother’s permission.

As far as my love life, it’s non-existent and it’s always been that way. I’ve never been kissed, never been touched by anyone other than myself and being on the outside, observing me, people might think that’s weird these days. I was probably the only virgin in my graduating high school class. But it just never happened for me. And it still hasn’t happened for me.

I’ve only ever been in three relationships. The first was the almost necessary middle school girlfriend. We dated for like a week because it seemed like the cool thing to do, just typical preteen behavior. The thing about those “relationships” though is that they aren’t real, not even close. We barely held hands walking from class to lunch and that was just about it. Vaguely, I can remember her being a cute girl, but I never felt anything for her. Only at that age, I wasn’t sure why.

It all became clear as I entered high school and got into my second relationship with my first boyfriend, Trevor. Once again, the farthest we’d actually gone was holding hands and maybe a hug thrown in there somewhere. We were both new to the whole gay thing and still pretty awkward as we were in our early teens so PDA didn’t seem natural for us just yet and well, we broke up before we even got the chance to take it anywhere.

Then, a little while down the road, there was my third and most recent (if you count a little over a year ago as recent) relationship; a long distance one to be specific and an online relationship at that. It ended for obvious reasons and although sexual tension was relieved it was always by my doing.

That was it, though. Those were the only relationships I’ve ever been in. The worst part about that is that those few times never prepared me for anything. I always thought that maybe it was something wrong with me. Everyone else around me seemed so experienced while I had no idea what I was doing. Often times I thought that maybe I was the problem. Was I not attractive enough? Maybe I was too dumb or boring, or I just didn’t hold the attention of anyone around me. Years later and nothing has changed.

That’s not even all of it; that’s not all of me just a very small part. Am I the greatest character to ever exist? No, absolutely not, but that’s the beauty of writing. I can take some things that are real and some things that are fake and create magic.

I wish Vic could see that.