Memory of You

Chapter Seventeen: What If I...

"For the love of all things holy...do you ever think about making my life easier, Alex?"

Storming in to the courtyard, Mark spotted the young ruler standing alone in the darkness. She was lucky it was him she was dealing with; Valek wouldn't have waited for an explanation to chain her to her bed, and lock the room, he thought.

"What is wrong with you? Do you not understand how unsafe it is for you to go out alone, especially at this time?" It was a miracle he hadn't yelled by now, he thought finally taking a look around. No one was near her. Why the hell had she come here? He thought with irritation.

"What are you doing here, Alex?"

She didn't answer, instead all he heard was a sniffle.

"Alex?" Mark asked, his anger vanishing as concern flooded through him. "What's wrong?"

Walking up closer, he saw the stream of tears the girl was trying to wipe away. Placing a hand under her chin, he gently lifted her face to look at her.

"What's the matter?" He asked once more.

Instead of getting a reply, she ran into his arms; her sobs wrenching at his heart. What had gotten in to her? He wondered, it had been a long time since she had been in such a state. Wrapping his arms around her, he tried to comfort her, but she only cried harder.

"Shhh...Lexie...what's wrong?"

Alexandra said nothing, she shook in his arms. Mark held her, waiting patiently as her sobs slowly started to subside. As she regained some control over herself, she looked up at him, the hurt look in her eyes becoming more pronounced. Tears started to well up in her hazel eyes once more.

"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have left without telling you." She said with a shaky voice, wiping her eyes. Alexandra moved away from him.

"Just don't let it happen again." He told her, ruffling her hair. "Why were you here in the first place?"

"It was nothing..." Alexandra muttered, looking away. "Pointless, and stupid...really..."

Mark eyed her wearily. She knew there was nothing she couldn't tell him, so Alexandra keeping secrets usually meant someone else was involved.

"Were you meeting someone?" He asked as they started to walk towards the castle, watching her closely. Alexandra froze, her expression of shock quickly covered up with a passive look.

"No..."

Saying nothing, Mark took the lead, taking her hand. I'll figure it out sooner or later, he thought, not pushing the topic any further.

...

Sitting in the library, Alexandra turned the page of her book. Humiliated, she felt so humiliated after that debacle with Nicholas. She hadn't had the courage to face him for breakfast this morning, and she was pretty sure her meltdown had been narrated to Valek through Mark.

Both guards had refrained from making any snide remarks when she had asked to sleep in a bit longer. With no meetings scheduled for the day, the two had relented, saying they would bring up food if she was hungry. She had sensed their suspicions as they gave her one last look before leaving.

What was she supposed to tell them? I told Nicholas I liked him...and he ran...just the thought made her face flame with embarrassment. She had never felt so hurt before, even the trials she went through with David didn't compare to this. Her eyes started to well up as the events of the night before were brought to the forefront of her mind. Sighing she rubbed her eyes, she realized how much more Nicholas may have meant to her, in comparison to the last man who courted her. What a mess I've gotten myself into, she thought, flipping to another page.

"Alex...what's wrong?"

Looking up, she saw Sophia walk towards her, a look of concern on the girl's face.

"Nothing..." Alexandra muttered, the last thing she wanted was for Sophia to get caught in the middle.

"Come on, Alex...I know you...that look says something happened...so spill." Her best friend sat down in front of her, a stubborn look written across her face. Clearly, she wasn't going to move until she got what she wanted.

"I had a really rough night." Alexandra knew how weak of an excuse it was. Mentally, she scolded herself for not coming up with something better.

"Yes, well, we all have rough nights, Alex. I've seen you after most of yours...and you never look so upset after them."

Cringing, Alexandra was surprised at her failure to mask her expression. No wonder Mark and Valek had looked so concerned.

"Come on, now Alex. I've done a lot worse than you...and we still get through it." Sophia pushed her. "Besides there has to be some reason you look so sad today...both you and Nick look like you did something terrible."

There was no hiding the look of horror on her face, Alexandra saw Sophia's eyes narrow.

"Did you two get into a fight or something?" Sophia asked.

"No, no we didn't." The Queen tried to remain calm.

"Then why do both of you look so upset? What happened?"

Shaking her head, Alexandra could see no escape from the situation. Even if she tried avoiding Sophia right now, the girl would corner her at some other point, until she eventually found out.

"Promise me that you won't say anything." Alexandra said, in spite of herself. She did not want to admit what happened, but it looked like there was no choice. "And that you won't laugh at me."

"I swear, I would never tell anyone anything you told me not to." Sophia promised. "Besides, why would I laugh? I've not been the best from among us."

Looking around, Alexandra saw that no one else was near them. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she gave herself a moment before speaking.

"I...I may have told Nicholas...that...I like him." She said, biting her lip at the end, the hurt had started to bubble up.

"Are you serious? You like my brother?" Sophia asked, in awe. "I thought it was just a crush when we were kids."

"It hasn't been a crush...for a while now." She shook her head, seeing Sophia's expression become sombre. "And...I may have told him it was more than...like..."

"What happened? What did he say?"

"Nothing...he just left me standing in the courtyard, looking like an idiot. He didn't even say anything." Alexandra admitted, feeling stupid. "I shouldn't have said it."

"Did you tell Mark and Valek?"

"No...they probably think I've lost my mind or something." She muttered darkly. There was no way for her to explain her outburst and how she might have fallen for their best friend, and quite frankly after Nicholas' rejection, she wasn't sure she needed her guards to mock her. Gathering the courage to look up, Alexandra wasn't surprised to see a frown on her friend's features.

"I'm really sorry, Sophie." She mumbled, not knowing what else to say.

"About what? I'm not mad at you."

"Then what's with the face?" Alexandra asked.

"What face? Anyway...I will see you later. Maybe after dinner?" With that Sophia got up and left, surprising Alexandra at how fast she could move.

"Wait! You can't tell...Nicholas..." The Queen gave up, sighing at the predicament she had gotten herself into.

...

"Why the long face, Nick?"

Looking up he saw Valek stop in front of him. The chef had taken a break to walk around the castle and clear his mind. Not that it was helping, he thought.

"Tired...a little over worked, I suppose." He fibbed, hoping the guard would believe him.

The last thing he wanted was for either of his friends to kill him over Alexandra. He knew what she meant to them, and knowing what he had done...didn't make talking to either of them any easier.

"You and me both, brother." Valek snickered. "Some days, I wish I could lock Alex away in a tower, it would make our lives so much easier. Then again, things would get boring pretty fast."

Unable to stop himself, Nicholas joined in as Valek laughed. His miserable mood slightly lifting. It was true that without the Queen's antics, everyone would be a bit bored. Lex, his mind wandered, the gloom returning. What have I done? He thought.

"I'll see you later, Nick. I have to go see what Alex is up to. Surprisingly, she's been behaving!" Valek said, walking off.

Resuming his walk, Nicholas headed for the kitchen. Opening the doors, he was unprepared for what came next.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" His sister's hand slapped him in the chest. Unprepared for the attack, Nicholas was hit a couple more times before he was able to stop Sophia.

"Wrong with me? What's the matter with you?" He asked, aghast at his sister's treatment of him. He looked around wondering how much his staff had seen. The kitchen was empty.

"What are you going on about, anyway?" He asked, after getting Sophia to back off.

"You and Alex." She said pointedly; doing a double take, Nicholas saw that she was serious.

"She told you?"

"Yes...she did. I can't believe that's how you treated her. I thought Mom and Dad told you to always respect and protect the Crown...not run away from it." Sophia stuck a finger in his chest.

"I didn't know what to do...okay, Soph. I was just overwhelmed, and no one has ever said that to me..." He said, full well knowing that it wasn't an excuse for his actions.

"You git...do you even know how hurt she is? Alex looks like someone crushed her, she's upset, all because she thinks you rejected her." His little sister waited for the words to sink in. "She looks ready to cry at any moment."

"She thinks I don't like her?" He asked, unsure of himself.

"Yes." She answered, a matter-of-factly. "Do you even like her?"

He looked away. The truth was, he did. Her confession had scared him. How could someone like her even want someone like him? A small part of him feared that she was just using him to replace David...

'I've never felt anything for him as strongly as I do for you.' Nicholas heard the words reverberate in his mind. She had told him that. It had been three years since she had called off their engagement. He was more important to her than David...what's wrong with me? He berated himself, it was his fault the Queen had some perceived notion that he had rejected her. What have I done?

"What would I even say to her?" He asked, weakly.

"Knowing you...you would start off with 'Lex, I'm sorry...' and then tell her how you feel." Sophia told him, her hands on her hips. She didn't look too pleased with him. I wouldn't be either...I treated Alexandra horribly, he thought.

"What do you even feel for her, Nick?"

The question still caught him off-guard. What did he feel for Alexandra? I would do anything for her...that's how I feel, he thought. These feelings are stronger than before, when I liked her...they may even be...love, he thought at last. It hadn't been easy to admit, but that's what it was.

Looking at his sister's expectant face, he sighed.

"I should talk to her." He said.

...

It had been two days since her little confession to Nicholas...and still he hadn't said a word to her. Lying on her bed, Alexandra stared at the canopied ceiling. Heavy black material draped over her bed, she just wanted to lose herself in it; hide from the humiliation she felt. Somehow, it felt far worse than anything that David had done to her. Sure he had only wanted to marry her for her crown, and yes he had lied to her about having a wife and child, and then there was that incident with Sophia...but perhaps the reason she had never felt so disparate was because he had never really meant anything to her. The reason Nicholas' reaction bothered her so much was because she trusted him not to hurt her.

Hearing a knock on her room door, she ignored whoever was on the other side. Knowing Mark and Valek, they would barge in if she didn't let them in; since they both had keys to her door. The knocking on her door persisted. Who is it? She thought with annoyance. Getting up she walked over to the door, and opened it.

"What do you want?" Alexandra asked, eyes narrowed, as she saw who stood on the other side.

Looking sheepish, Nicholas bowed his head.

"I wanted to talk to you." He told her, not looking up.

"Yes, well, I think I've done all the talking I can...now if you'll please just leave. That would be fine." She said in a cutting tone. Alexandra walked away from the door, heading for her bed.

"Lex, I wanted to apologize." His voice grabbed her attention.

"Really? You want to apologize? For what, Nick?" She asked, trying to keep her calm. "Leaving me standing there, looking foolish? No need to apologize, I'm quite used to it."

"I shouldn't have acted like that." Nicholas told her. She heard the door shut, before his footsteps came near her. A hand took hold of her arm, gently turning her to face him.

"I should never have left you like that. I was wrong." He told her, his grey eyes staring in to her hazel ones. "How am I supposed to accept your feelings, when I know I'm not good enough for you? I'm not worthy of your love. I'm just a lowly head chef."

His words were like salt in her wounds. Nicholas wasn't here to tell her anything.

"You should be with someone better suited. I don't deserve you, Lex."

At once, Alexandra felt furious. How could he even think that?

"Are you stupid or something? Why would it matter to me if you are a chef or a Duke? Do you think I care? All I want is to know how you feel about me!" She told him, wrenching her arm out of his hand. She didn't understand why he was being so difficult. Rank had never mattered to her, and he knew better than to use that with her.

"That's not how I intended it to sound." Nicholas said, looking regretful.

"What did you intend by it?" She asked, curious. "Are you here to tell me that if you were of a better ranking you would have told me how you felt?"

No sooner had the words left her mouth, that an idea had come to her. If all that mattered to him was his status then maybe she could solve it...perhaps then he would tell her.

"Quite possibly." He said, looking away from her.

"Thank you, Nick...for finally being honest." Alexandra haughtily walked away from him. Now that she had his answer, there was just one thing to do. Opening the door, she left him in her room.

...

Hurrying down the hall, Nicholas couldn't believe himself. I'm late? How am I late? He thought rushing to get to the kitchen. During the few hours he had off, Nicholas had decided to go for a ride on Reem to clear his mind. She had not spoken to him since their last meeting a few days ago, and at this rate he didn't think Alexandra would forgive him at all. Looking at his wrist watch, he was astounded at his own tardiness. How did I lose track of time? He wondered.

"Mr. Devereux!" He heard someone call from behind him.

Stopping, he turned to see Lord Damien Hughes standing in the middle of the hall. Having seen the man when Alexandra met the Lower House, he was surprised the lord even knew his name.

"Yes? Can I help you?" He asked.

"I need you to join in our meeting." Lord Hughes told him.

"Are you sure?" Nicholas asked, not understanding what they would need him for.

"Lord Crawley told me to find you." The lord said, and Nicholas followed.

Walking in to the room, he immediately looked over to where the Queen would be seated; his heart sunk when he found the chair empty. Perhaps she had decided to skip the meeting after telling the Lords what had happened between them? Maybe the Lords were going to tell him to leave the country? Nicholas shook his head to rid himself of the ridiculous thoughts. She wouldn't do that, he hoped.

Not knowing what was going on, Nicholas took a seat in the spot Lord Hughes had pointed too.

"Attention! Attention!" Lord Crawley spoke, from the head of the room. "Quiet please!"

Pin drop silence followed the request. Sitting in his chair, Nicholas realized it had been a long time since he had seen the inside of the room. When he was younger, sometimes his father would take him to meetings with him. Looking around he saw how little had changed. The large room was brightly lit, a tapestry showing the royal coat of arms with the ancient Latin writing was draped on the wall at the head of the room. Red velvet curtains had been drawn over the large window to avoid distractions, while all the Lords sat on cushioned oak chairs along the room, with matching oak desks in front of them.

"Thank you. Getting to business, as we have much to go through, we will be starting with the audits. Now as many of you know, the Queen has ordered that there be annual audits on the Lords to see how each district in the country is run. After much discussion, Her Majesty graciously decided that for a first time offense the Lord in question will receive a six month grace period to fix any and all errors. After which if there are any inconsistencies, the Lord will be removed." Lord Crawley got straight to the point, Nicholas could tell that the man lived for abiding rules.

"This year, we have had five lordships revoked. The men in question had been repeatedly told by Queen Alexandra herself, to pay more attention to their districts, but didn't listen. After watching them for some time, she decided to remove them." Lord Crawley continued. Nicholas still didn't understand why he had to be here. He was not a lord, nor was he there as Alexandra's advisor.

"With five vacant seats, the Queen and the Dukes went through many profiles of those with nobility and experience in working with castle matters. After much deliberation, and a full review of family background; a selection of five men has been approved to serve the people of Seraphine." Where is this all going? Nicholas wondered. And what do I have to do with it?

"The newly appointed Lords are as follows: Lord Ryan Fletcher of Charon, Lord Ian Laird of Natali, Lord Pierre Demarchelier of Ifa, Lord Galen Philip of Kline, and Lord Nicholas Devereux of Canterbury & Rosslyn."

Stunned as he heard his name being called out by Lord Crawley, Nicholas looked around to see if it was a joke, surely they were pulling his leg...The straight faces behind him and beside him told him otherwise. This was no prank.

Lord Crawley walked up to him and handing over a large folder, as well as separate papers.

"Lord Devereux, here is all you need to know about your district. There was a lot of consideration when it came to who would be given the task of running Canterbury & Rosslyn...family history and background was all discussed. I am sure that this district will be in good hands now, so be sure to take care of it. You're father would be proud." The elder man shook Nicholas' hand before moving to find the next lord.

Shocked at the turn of events, Nicholas didn't understand how this could have happened. How could he have been a chef one minute and now a Lord? Thinking about it, there was only one explanation that came to mind. His eyes narrowed as he thought who it could have been to put him up to this. Reading the papers, he guesses were confirmed.

ALEXANDRA!

...

"Are you insane?"

Turning to look at the intruder, Alexandra took a step away from the bookshelf. A disgruntled Nicholas stood at the entrance of the King's Quarters.

"You're going to have be more specific. It's been a busy few days." She told him, dryly. "I get asked that for quite a few things by Mark and Valek."

"Alex, you know exactly what I'm talking about." Nicholas closed the distance between them. She noticed the folder he was carrying. He was obviously furious with her, Alexandra thought, the stormy look in his eyes told her that much.

"This, Alexandra." He said, making her wince as he used her full name. He came closer, showing her the folder. "You stuck me with taking care of Canterbury & Rosslyn."

"Oh...right...Crawley must have told you." She pretended to remember. "I would have said congratulations, but I thought we weren't speaking."

"That's not what this is about. I never wanted this Lordship." He told her, angrily.

"It isn't about what you want, Nick. It's about what's best for my country." Alexandra tried to reason with him. "You were one of the most deserving candidates for the position. I wasn't even there when it got approved, I signed the papers afterwards."

"How could I be more deserving than some of the ones with nobility, Alex? Are you kidding me?"

"They looked at your background, the fact that you come from a long line of advisors to the Crown...your grandfather was one, your father was my Dad's advisor...and your job of being my fake advisor." Alexandra told him, annoyed that he would be so suspicious of her.

"Unlike the others, I never wanted this position." Nicholas said, rather flatly.

She hadn't expected this to be his reaction...although she had suspected he wouldn't be too pleased with her. But how else was she going to get the truth out of him? She thought.

"Well, look at it this way...at least now you can't deny telling me how you feel..." Alexandra said, a small smirk making it's way on to her features.

The cold stare she found herself caught in, quieted all thoughts of Nicholas telling her what was between them.

"I knew it! It was never about Seraphine..." He told her, quickly turning away from her. "This was never what I wanted."

Alexandra watched as Nicholas walked out of the room, the door closing quietly behind him, leaving her looking distraught.