Fresh Start Fever

Every morning I wake up in the same city, in the same apartment, in the same room, in the same bed. A year ago, I would have been waking up in a different city, on a bus, in a 6 by 3 foot bunk with the sound of the engine roaring and the lull of the tires running on the road, but the only thing I hear when I fall asleep is the sound of a baby crying or the low breathing of my girl. I'm not complaining, but it is a hard transition for doing something for almost a decade and then settling down. Even when we were off tour, sleeping in my own bed was weird and I had troubles falling asleep. I still have a hard time falling asleep most nights. It is unsettling to my fiance, but I tell her every day that I'm fine.

I don't know where I would be without Madeline. Ever since the band broke up, she has saved me from falling depressed and being alone. Her and our daughter, Ruby, are what I live for. Ruby is our four month old daughter. The band breaking up was bittersweet I suppose; I could be there for my daughter and not have to miss important milestones but now I spend most days looking for a job and worrying about if we will have enough money to pay rent this month. Madeline always assures me that we're fine financially. My parents do give me money when I'm in need of it, but I try not to mooch much because I should be able to support my family. Should being the key word.

I still do have a good enough amount of money from the band, but I'm saving it to start a savings account for Ruby's college fund. I always wonder if she will go to college, because my parents thought I would, but I was too caught up in the music industry to realize that maybe I should have gone. "I want my child to go to college" is what every parent says, and I can now realize how upset my parents were that I did not get a college degree.

I glanced over at my alarm clock, the bright red numbers reading it was only 5:48 AM. 'I've been up since four,' I thought to myself. 'Might as well get up.' Once I started to take the covers off, Maddie started to stir awake.

"Baby, are you up?" she said, reaching over for me. I gently grabbed her hand, kissing her palm gently.

"Go back to sleep, you don't have to be up for another half hour," I whispered.

"A half hour won't do me any good, 'Lex," she whispered back, sitting up. "You kept me up all night any way."

"Fuck," I murmured. "I'm sorry. I should have gone to the couch."

Her arms soon surrounded me, and her head was rested against my shoulder. "You should go see Doctor Wakefield. He can give you something for your insomnia," she said, planting a kiss on my cheek before she got out of bed.

"I told you before, I'm not going to. I don't need medicine to help me run my life," I scowled.

"Whatever Alex," she said as she turned the light on in the room. "I'm just trying to help."

She left the room and the next thing I heard was the running water of the shower. I got out of bed and went across the hallway to Ruby's room. She was awake, so I turned on the light in her room, and slowly lifted her out of her crib. I still wasn't used to carrying her; I always felt like I would accidentally drop her. She cooed gently as I lifted her out of the crib, and I placed her down on the changing table. There's only one pro of changing diapers: I can change a diaper in 14 seconds now.

An hour passed, and I was sitting on the black leather couch in our living room, watching the news. I was holding Ruby as I fed her a bottle. I rocked her gently, humming the sound from her mobile above her crib. Madeline walked out from our bedroom, turning the lights off in the bedroom and bathroom as she came towards the living room.

"Alright, I'll be back by 4. Want me to pick up dinner?" she said as she grabbed her car keys off the key tree.

"Uh, no. I was going to go grocery shopping today anyway," I said, pulling the bottle from Ruby's mouth as Maddie came over, and I handed her over.

"Goodbye my beautiful little princess, be good for daddy today," she murmured to Ruby, kissing her repeatedly before she handed her back to me. She gave me a kiss before leaving.

It's kind of sad when Maddie goes to work and I'm the one who stays home. I wish it were the other way around sometimes, but I love staying home with Ruby. Maddie is a high school English teacher, and that's how the two of us met. When the band broke up, I tried to go to college but dropped out after a semester. I went to major in English, but I didn't like the whole "I have to attend this class" thing. I'm glad that I went for a semester, because that's how I met Maddie. From the moment we first spoke, we instantly fell in love. For our first date, we went to her dorm and read an entire book together. For our first official date, I brought her to a play of Macbeth, because she loves Shakespeare.

I fed Ruby the rest of the bottle, and then I got her dressed. I threw on a random shirt from my dresser and a beanie, because my hair was an absolute mess. I shrugged off my scruff that was looking like it was becoming a beard, but I didn't have the time to shave.

We went to the grocery store next, and I saw people judging me as each time I put something into the cart, I had to write the price down. The last thing I needed was to come short on cash when at the register. When I was in the formula aisle, Ruby started to get fussy, which made me even more ticked off than I already was. I wanted to burst out into tears because this was not how my life was supposed to turn into. I wanted to be able to afford the best things for my family, and live on the good side of town, but I couldn't even do that. I lifted her out of her carrier, rocking her with one arm as I grabbed a can of formula and threw it into the cart.

"Shh, baby.. it's alright.. Daddy's here.." I cooed to her. She stopped crying, but she was still grumpy, so I held her as we started to walk towards the register. As we left the aisle, I heard someone call out my name. I glanced quickly around, and then looked behind me, and I couldn't believe my eyes.

Jack Barakat, the top person on the list of people I hated.