There Will Be No Christmas (At Least Not For Me)

Rian sat at the window inside of his apartment and watched snowflakes falling to the ground. It was dark already, even though it wasn’t that late, but that was just winter, Rian guessed. It wasn’t just a random winter day though, it was Christmas, and normally Rian would love it, but not this year.

Last year he sat with Zack on the couch, watching some crappy Christmas movie and waiting for their food to get ready. Zack would kiss him and tell Rian he loved him, he would give him presents even though Rian said he didn’t need anything, they would act like little kids in the snow until they felt like snowmen and then Zack would make hot chocolate and cuddle Rian until they would both fall asleep.

It used to be perfect, Rian thought. He’s never been so lonely. He could take being alone any other time, but Christmas always meant love, friendship and family to him, and he had nothing of that this year. Zack left him four months ago. Their mutual friends told Rian they haven’t talked to him ever since. Rian saw him at the mall some time ago though, with another boy, who was obviously his new boyfriend. They looked happy, it hurt so much. But the part of Rian that loved Zack was glad that he was happy, even if it wasn’t with him. He didn’t want to interrupt their happiness (and not fuel his own unhappiness), so he quickly hid behind a giant Christmas tree and waited until they were gone.

As far as Rian knew, Zack spent Christmas with said boyfriend, Jack and Alex both went to see their families, his other friends weren’t in the state and his own family decided to go skiing in Colorado over the holidays. They probably would’ve invited him to come, but they thought he was gonna stay with Zack, because he kind of didn’t tell them they broke up.

Sighing, Rian stood up and decided he might as well watch some TV. He didn’t feel like doing anything Christmas-y, baking, decorating, everything reminded him of Zack. There wouldn’t be a Christmas. At least not for him.

As soon as he turned the TV on, he heard bell ringing and a choir singing the melody of a Christmas song. He flipped through the channels, but there was nothing that wasn’t Christmas related. With an annoyed groan, he turned the device off and threw the remote on his coffee table. Trying to listen to radio didn’t seem appealing either, he was pretty sure that most channels would play some terribly happy Christmas songs. Seriously, Rian couldn’t wait until it was spring and the world was back to normal again.

After twenty minutes wandering around his apartment restlessly, he decided that he really needed to do anything. He never spent Christmas alone, not once, and now he didn’t know what to do with himself. It was almost pathetic how he was all alone while everyone else was among their loved ones. No, he would not sit alone here all night.

He put on shoes, gloves and scarf and stepped outside. It was freezing cold; the whole street was decorated with lights, plastic snowmen and similar stuff, and everything was covered in snow.

Rian had no idea where he was supposed to go, but he figured that he might as well just go to a bar or something. Not much less pathetic, but still better than sitting in his apartment by himself.
The bar he chose to go was one of those he regularly went to with his friends, back when he was with Zack they went together quite often, but now he always turned on his heels once he saw the younger man sitting there. He didn’t feel like an awkward encounter between him and his ex-boyfriend.

Unsurprisingly, the bar wasn’t very crowded, only two old men were sitting in the corner, drinking and talking and completely ignoring the fact that someone else came in, but Rian was actually thankful for that, he really didn’t wanna talk to anyone right now. All he wanted to do was drinking and forgetting. Well, that’s not the truth, he wanted to sit under a Christmas tree watching Zack gushing about the presents he got, but it’s not like that was gonna happen and Rian wanted to stay realistic.

Rian ordered a beer and sat uncomfortably in his bar stool, his fingers playing with a Christmas ornament that hang on a plastic pine branch. Other than that, the bar wasn’t decorated much and yet again, Rian was thankful.

Zack probably sat in his new boy’s living room right now, eating cookies with him and cuddling under a blanket. This thought made him sick, even though he did wish Zack to be happy and have a nice holiday. But right now he wished he never met him. If Zack had never been in his life, he would be in Colorado now, with his family, not alone in a bar wallowing in self-pity.

His phone beeped. A part of him hoped it was Zack, but he knew it wouldn’t be. When Zack left, he said he never wanted to see or hear Rian again. It started with a little fight, but it ended with both boys screaming at each other until Zack called Rian a selfish asshole and told him he hated him and the relationship was a mistake. And Zack was usually a quiet guy who never said anything mean to anyone. Thinking about it still hurt, he was with Zack for almost five years and couldn’t get over him, but apparently Zack had no problem getting over Rian.

From: Alex
To: Rian
Hey ri, hope u have a nice Christmas :) I know u miss zack, but pls dont be alone all night, k?

Rian sighed. There was no way he would admit to be alone in a bar.

From: Rian
To: Alex
Lex, merry Christmas to all of you. Im okay, spending the night at a friends house :)

Rian was too miserable to feel bad about his lie. His phone beeped again.

From: Alex
To: Rian
Thats good! Jack and i were worried u would get drunk on your own and end up crying in a puddle of puke or something. Have a nice night w your friends though

The other man rolled his eyes. Typically for Alex and Jack, they worried and imagined the worst scenarios. He didn’t bother answering; Alex would just assume he was having fun with those friends he pretended to be with. Little did the elder boy know that Rian’s night would most likely end the way Jack and him first imagined. Not that they would find out.

He wanted to take another sip of his beer, but the bottle was already empty. With an annoyed groan, Rian ordered a new one. The waitress shot a worried glance in his direction, but he ignored it. He knew he was a pathetic idiot, but he didn’t want anyone’s sympathy.

About half an hour later he heard someone come in. Another loser who had to spend Christmas alone, he thought.

“Rian?” Fuck.

Rian was too busy being embarrassed about being caught alone in a bar to realize that whoever recognized him was also alone in said bar.

“What the fuck are you doing here? It’s Christmas!”

The last person Rian wanted or expected to see showed up.

“I could ask you the same”, he mumbled as he turned around to face his ex-boyfriend.
“Well… I guess you’re right. Mind if I sit here?” Zack didn’t even wait for an answer and took the seat next to Rian. The latter was confused; how could Zack act like nothing happened? He was acting like they didn’t have a rough breakup behind them, like he didn’t break Rian’s heart.

“Why aren’t you with your new boy right now? Shouldn’t you two spend Christmas together, being sickly cute and wonderful and shit?” Rian couldn’t help sounding a little bitter. Okay, extremely bitter.

“Fuck, how do you know about him?” Zack asked in confusion.

“Saw you in the mall”, Rian said quietly before taking another sip of his beer.

“You are such a fucking stalker, Dawson”, Zack said, but his smile showed that he meant it in a joking way.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Zack sighed. “I know you would come back to that. Well, he broke up with me. A week ago. Way to ruin my Christmas. Everybody already had plans, that’s why I’m here now. Pathetic, but hey, we’re in the same boat”, Zack explained and grabbed Rian’s beer to take a sip.

“And what happened to ‘you are a selfish asshole and I never wanna see or hear you again, I fucking hate you and this relationship was the worst mistake I ever made’?”

Zack sighed again. “You know I didn’t mean that. I was angry and pissed at you, but I never hated you or thought our relationship was a mistake. And you are definitely not selfish, you always put me first and you cared for me like no one else ever did. Sorry for saying all that bullshit.”

“But… why couldn’t we just work past it, then? I mean, why did you break up with me?”
Zack bit his lip. “I thought it’s what I needed. You know, getting away from everything. Our group of friends was suffocating me. Always the same people, always the same town. It felt like nothing interesting ever happened in my life, and I wanted to distance myself from it. I thought about moving away, or just trying out new things, and when we had that fight I thought that maybe that was the moment where I should break the bridges and end it, you know?”

“You didn’t move away”, Rian stated.

“No. I was going to but… I couldn’t, not yet. It’s scarier than I thought, being all alone in a new town. So I decided that joining a gym and picking up the bass again would be enough change for now. It kind of worked, you wouldn’t believe how many cool people I met!”

“Does that mean you’re done with us? Your high school friends?”
Zack hesitated and sipped his drink. “I think it does, yes. It’s just time to move on from high school and built something up. Something of your choice. In high school, you’re kinda forced together. That doesn’t mean I would never hang out with Alex or Jack anymore though, or you, if you’re still having me. I’m aware that breaking up with you and never calling anyone back was a shitty thing to do, but please try to see it from my point of view.”

And Rian did. And it kind of made sense, he guessed. He liked his friends, of course, but they sure could be exhausting, and for a quiet person like Zack it must be very hard to get into their weird, chaotic conversations.

“I think I get what you mean.”
Zack let out a breath of relief. “So you’re not mad?”
Rian shook his head. “I mean, you broke my heart and everything, but I don’t think I can be mad at you.”

Biting his lip, Zack looked at the dirty bar floor in shame. “You know, I dated Brendon, the guy you saw me with, mainly because I thought it would help me get over you. Like, he was interested in the same things and he was nice, but… it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t you. But I didn’t wanna crawl back to you, because I thought you wouldn’t have me, also I hate to admit that when I’m wrong and breaking up with you was wrong. And I hoped that time would solve it, which obviously didn’t happen. Just thought I let you know.”

“Is that why you broke up with him? Because you never felt something for him?”
Zack chuckled. “No. You forget that he broke up with me. And that’s because he figured I still had feelings for someone else.”

“Was he right?”

Zack stayed silent for a moment, and then he nodded. Rian bit his lip. Now or never, he thought, and pressed his lips against Zack’s. The other instantly kissed back, putting one hand on Rian’s shoulder.
Rian broke the kiss. “Is it too late to do sickly cute Christmas stuff together?”
Zack grinned. “Never”, he whispered and pressed his lips to Rian’s once again.