A Love Story

Once I plop in the driver's seat I let my anger out into breathing. I clench and unclench my fists. I stretch. I take in a full view of the parking lot, that is only a quarter full as there are mostly women inside now. I take more deep breaths and I clench the steering wheel and I take in the evergreen trees swaying in the distance.

Jess slides into the passenger's seat and I drive back towards home.

The rolling roads and the waving bare branches and the setting sun and the whispering winds against the car and the jittering of Jess all combined with the continuous red lights have me feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

My eyes burn with tears.

I glance at Jess at the fourth red light.

Her brown hair is tucked away in the scarf.

I've watched enough YouTube videos to know what's happened.

I drop her off at home and Jess climbs out of the car brimming with happiness, with light. It burns my eyes to see how set she is, how purposeful she is.

I bite my lip as she turns back to grin thankfully at me.

"As-salaam-oo-alaikum Peace be with you Saina!" Jess waves and waits for my reaction.

"Walaikumalaisalam Jess," I take a deep shattering breath. "I'm proud of you."

I drive away.

And my angry tears almost blind me.

I arrive at home and I do my assignments to keep my mind off of Jess. I take to designing blazers with some tops and women's suits. I learn how to french braid my hair.

I throw myself into school with more of a fever than when I first arrived. Jess and Stacy seem to distance themselves from each other. I sit with Stacy and watch Jess become busy with the only other girl wearing a hijab in our classes.

"Stacy are you and Jess having a fight?" I say as the class takes a ten minute break.

"Girl, you know I'm not like that! She's just, so different."

"She's the same Jess, she's just wearing a scarf."

"N-no offence, but I liked the old Jess a whole lot better. I don't understand this new one."

"What about JSS? We only have a semester and summer left together you know." I say feeling my heart beat hard.

"Sunny, I'm not saying I want to stop working together. This is my dream coming to reality. I," Stacy takes a deep breath. "I just need time to get used to it."

I smile at her.

"Yeah me too."I breathe out anxiety and breathe in relief.

Jess has so much purpose, so much power in her determination and I, what do I have?

I have my work, my education, my family is somewhat out of my life, I'm just figuring things out and I have to keep doing that and I do have a lot, I just need to think about it.

It's reading week and my brain hasn't come up with anything useful to do. Jess is going home to talk to her parents about embracing Islam and Stacy is on a trip to British Columbia for skiing.

I'm in my room alone, bored at 4 in the morning.

I'm alone. Oh God.

God.

Allah.

Are you still there?

Sorry, I know you're always there. It's just that, I've not talked to you in forever. I haven't said anything except when Jess and I went to the musjid. Before she converted. Before everything changed!

I cry. The tears spill out of my heart, scrubbing at the edges I built to help me walk through these icy real-world storms.

Allah, please, please please, I don't know what I'm doing. Please help me.

I grab fist fulls of my hair and recall how I pulled off my hijab. But still, I don't want it back. Not yet. Maybe when I'm older. The truth is, I don't see the point! I don't understand why. I don't understand this whole life!

I spend the morning in solitude, for the first time meditating over my life.

Allah please heal me. You're the one with all the power, right? So, please heal me.

I have no one else.