A Love Story

I drive towards home this evening. Today I plan to go all the way. Right before I reach home I run out of gas though, and I have to fill up at the gas station next to Timothy's. Right in the heart of my old university.

I glance around and drift off into my past as the familiar faces and smells embrace me.

"Excuse me, mind if I sit here?" I glance up to see Riaz.

"Sure Riaz, how are you?" Riaz grins and slides into the booth.

"I'm great, how are you?" I smile at him.

He laughs nervously and shifts his hair around.

"I'm really sorry, this is a bit embarrassing, but, dude where do we know each other from?"

I raise my eyebrow.

Longing. Those desires to be with him, that feeling of contentment when his face was on my mind, the memory of his warm breath touching my ear at the dance and it all never left a trace.

I look down at my body, I feel my hair. The perfect spirals of caramel streaked waves of hair.

I lost fifty pounds and a hijab and my confidence for him to forget me.

"I'm Saina." I breathe out into his grey eyes.

He takes in my face and my body and my clothes, and he tilts his head and stares down at my leather heal boots.

"Saina! Dude, you look amazing."

"Thanks Riaz, you too." I glance at his blue sweater with a light blue collar sticking out from the edges.

"So how's it going?" I say and sip my hot chocolate to ease my frustration.

He doesn't even know me. He never reacted to me before, not when I was covered, not when I was comfortable inside. I see his cheeks heating up and he can't stop looking me up and down.

Now I know what my mom meant when she said that there are two types of adultery. Both are sins. The real adultery of sleeping with someone out of wedlock. Then the adultery of the eyes. The sin happening right in front of me. I feel exposed and I pull my purple hoodie closer and zip it over my chest.

" I'm great. Almost done with my Bachelor of Commerce, might have to do some summer courses though. I'm thinking about going to McGill, that's where you are right?" He breathes deeply and looks into my eyes even deeper by tilting his body towards me.

My eyes narrow across the table.

"Yeah that's where I am." I brush my bangs off my forehead.

"So what are you studying again?"

"I'm finishing my Masters of Business Innovation in June and then I'm taking the rest of the summer to work on a fashion show for my business and after that my partners and I are planning on opening a store in downtown Toronto. So, I'm just keeping busy."

"Wow that's awesome dude! You're doing your masters and you already opened a company." He looks proud.

"Yeah, it's whatever." I feel like all my secrets are revealed. I pull up my hoodie and shove my curled hair into the covering.

We sit in silence. Riaz looks around the cafe and stands and orders some coffee. Once he sits back down I can't bear to speak.

"Do you want to get some dinner at Eddie's?" I nod and stride behind him.

Now he likes me?

We sit in his car and I put on my seat belt to head over there. It's a full half hour drive away, and in the complete opposite direction from home. The butterflies dance up and around my body while my eyes dance around to take in every view except his.

"Saina, can I say something?" Riaz says as he drives through a green light.

"Sure." I breathe out and glance at his already peering silver eyes.

"Don't get mad, but I know you like me." Riaz breathes.

I stare at him, slightly unimpressed. But still, my heart hammers in my chest and almost pops out.

"And I was thinking, maybe, maybe we should hang out more often."

"Okay, what are you getting at?" The sharpness of my tone reminds me of when I do business cases in class.

"I mean it would be cool with me if you, you know, meet my parents, you know that kind of thing."

"No I don't know, what do you mean?" I say breathing deeply. Nervously.

Riaz stops the car in the parking lot. He takes my face in his hand and leans close. The seatbelt tightens around my body.

I pull back and he drops his hand to my shoulder. I feel his thumbs are on my pressure points and that any moment I could be immobilized by him and then I would be lost.

"Saina, after seeing you today, I know for sure you're the girl for me. You have to be. I just ended at Timothy's by chance and I saw you and couldn't take my eyes off you. It took me a whole twenty minutes to get the courage just to talk to you!" Riaz laughs.

His deep voice gathers around the inside of his car.

Him, gathering courage?

"You don't know, you really don't know how long I wished to hear that. Riaz, I need to know something before you say anything else." I breathe.

Riaz strokes my cheek and I feel a burning blade in the place of his hand. Slicing through the layers of make up and skin and tissue and scratching at my essence. My soul.

"Are you doing this because I look different?"

"You look amazing Saina. Now I can see how beautiful you are. That's what I'm saying."

"What if I want to wear hijab?"

"B-but you're not wearing it anymore, but I guess- why would you want to wear it?"

"How about if I want to go to the musjid every friday?"

"Well, I have basketball on fridays, so we could go sometimes I guess."

"What if I want to be religious?"

"You know me, I would never stop you." He begins entrancing me with his eyes.

Riaz holds my face in one hand and takes my hand and places it against his lips.

My eyes grow warm as tears rush to ease the tense situation of my heart.

Five minutes rest by.

I look down at our touching knees.

"You're lying Riaz. You already pushed me out of your life when I cared about God, about heaven. Now that I look better and I'm successful in this world you care!"

"I would never push you. What's wrong with this world?"

"I'm not your toy Riaz!" I breathe.

He takes my arms and pulls me into a hug. He kisses my head.

"Saina, calm down. I want you to be my wife." His warm breath embraces and tortures my ear. The hijab that covered it before has been stripped away.

"Let go."

"No. Not until you calm down."

"What you're doing is haram, it's wrong!. How do I know you'll give me my rights when we're married. How will we live? We're committing sins right now."

Riaz holds me tighter and breathes into my ear. Muffling my voice in his muscled shoulder.

"Saina, we'll take care of everything together. We can get a house and a car, we'll have a beautiful life."

"Who'll pay for everything?" I stretch my neck up to say in his ear.

"We'll do it together." Riaz strokes my hair and I grab the seat in frustration as I pull away. He pushes me back towards him.

He kisses me. His hands wrap around my face.

My mind freezes and my soul comes out to act. Blemished and angry. I push him back.

He stares at me and slinks his fingers through my curls.

"You're so cute when you're shy. I don't want you to worry about anything anymore."

"No. No. No. You're supposed to take care of me. Your money is my money and my money is mine. That's how it works."

"Are you stupid? How can anyone live like that. I'm still in school."

"It's part of Islam Riaz, it's my right. And let go."

Riaz moves away slowly and kisses my eyes.

"Don't worry about that, it's okay."

"Stop it! Stop it. Don't kiss me, don't touch me."

Riaz holds up his hands in defense.

"Okay I let go."

"After you're done taking everything." Tears burn my eyes and stream down my face. I hold my arms crossed against my body.

"Riaz, I used to like you a lot. But seeing how quickly you turn to wealth and money, to taking what you want from my body..you didn't even think: how will we raise our kids? We need something to keep them on the right path. How can we be happy when we're acting out sins already?"

"I don't want to hear all that Pakistani cultural junk."

"What are you doing to me? You're the one whose traditional. That's culture! What if I want to be religious Riaz? Religion doesn't see those same borders. Race, geography, culture, all of that isn't as important as Islam. You don't have any borders! You're taking advantage of me the second you got the chance. You're sick! You're junk!"

I turn to open the door and glance at Riaz as he grabs my hand. He pulls me close and I slap his head.

"Come on Saina, please just stay. It's not like that, I want to be with you."

"Imagine if I slept with all the men that took advantage of me. That told me they wanted to marry me one day. I would be a broken messed up wife. Grow up." I push myself out of the car and walk into the restaurant.

I walk straight to the bathroom and tie up my hair and wash my face. I scrub my lips with soap.

I stare at my broken soul through my eyes.

My crush, the man I loved, wanted me only for my body, and for my money. He didn't want to take care of me, or know my beliefs. He took all the first kisses from me that I could have counted and he let me know that I didn't deserve any obligation before that. Would he have made me his girlfriend, a girl who doesn't really matter enough to be a wife?

All I ever wanted was for him to marry me the right way. To be secure with him, to be with him. Now all I have are dirty memories.

What my mom said was true, when a man and a woman that are not mahrams are together, the third person with them is the devil.

I look at my lips, at my eyes, at the cheeks that are burning red, all the places where these sins took place. Where I just let it happen.

The door opens and closes behind me.

"Saina?"

My heart freezes.

I turn off the water and swivel towards her.

"Mom." I breathe.

She engulfs me in a hug.

"This is you then." She breathes with a strong determination beneath her tone. "I saw you coming from that car."

The whole world drops behind me as I hold onto my mother.

The one who God compares his love to. God loves us 70 times more than our mother. So imagine, how much must our mother love us that God chose her to compare His love to. She's so precious. So strong to help us grow since we could not care for ourselves.