A Love Story

"I stopped wearing hijab. I didn't come home because I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to make you feel bad." I state.

"Saina my darling, who told you to hide from your mother? I held you in my stomach for nine months. If I don't understand my own daughter what good am I?" She says and I feel her excusing me.

Unexpectedly she forgives me, like I feared she would.

Oh how sour guilt is! I feel it bubble and burn at my heart. At least that beating piece of meat still seems intact and functioning.

"Mom, it's not like that. It's not your fault, it's-" The tears bury themselves further into my skin, like the rain after a summer of drought.

I heard once that tears mean you have belief in your heart for God. For Allah. Maybe I'm not lost then? Maybe tears will clean me out.

Mom stares at me with a grim expression, her arms almost twitching to encompass me. I lean in and, as I expect and hope, she wraps me up in curtains of comfort. Is there any safer place than being in the arms of your mother?

Allah, you gave me my mother, I know I'm not alone. I never was. I have you all the time.

I bluther out words of apology for the next hour. She holds me. The warmth of her body next to me comforts me. How could I hide at school when she was right here? All that stress and worry could have been solved so much faster. I wish I came to her sooner. Like, yesterday.

Yesterday I felt free in my tight clothes that make me attractive. I forced myself to be lighthearted like the curls that took me an hour that morning. I let my top hang low, because if I got it I should show it, I thought, but I let my heart hang on a noose instead. I ran laps in an endless circle, not only at the gym but in my mind. I tried not to see the real world beyond. The hope. The reality. God.

I am losing myself. I don't feel like the Saina I once was. She was calm and sweet and hopeful. Now she's burnt out and hopeless and unsupportive. Poor Jess.

Poor Saina.

Vulnerable. So attractive that I got proposed to by the one man I wanted. So hot that he kissed me at first sight. So unbelievably thoughtless that his every wish was to be fulfilled on me without my consent.

"Saina? Are you going to go back to school? You will finish your Masters, won't you?" Mom says as I run my fingers through curls that are almost straight now.

"I don't know, should I?" I say and straighten against the edge of the couch.

"You're dad would be happy. But I want you to be happy." Her trusty brown eyes hold me in place as the world continues on without me.

Mom and Dad took me home from Eddie's just now, they quietly packed their food in take out boxes and surrounded me with the familiar. But Dad, his sad sad eyes. How could I let my hero see me like this?

"Maybe I can still do one thing to make you both happy." I tap my heals against the edge of the couch repeatedly.

"My darling, we want you to live your life." Mom says.

A feeling of peace and security surrounds me.

The week floats by. Waves of precious moments surround me as I wade through the time with my parents. Mom doesn't tell me to put my hijab on, and it suffocates me. I have myself wrapped back up by Friday. Her love pushes me back. I don't know if I could ever stream the strength from inside myself. But that's why we trust Allah, He is the one who controls the layers of ocean, the winds, the hearts, everything. He is the Owner of Knowledge.

Knowing that gives me peace.

Saturday comes along and we are back at Eddie's for some Manchurian chowmein and spring rolls. Good old Hakka Chinese food always makes me feel home. Dad loves the cuisine and goes every weekend.

When our hot steaming noodles arrive we dig in with chopsticks. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty good. I got nothing on Dad though, he's pro. Mom doesn't even bother, she sticks with a fork.

With Mom and Dad I feel safe to glance around at the scene of the crime. I stare outside into the parking lot, particularly at one familiar car. The inhabitants walk in.

Riaz Malik plus one.

Riaz and his friend grab a seat in my direct vision. He glances at me once, and my heart burns. I skip chewing and start swallowing to keep busy.

Dad gets up to use the bathroom and on his way back he spots Riaz. They start chatting. Riaz walks to our table with his company.

"Riaz beta, this is my wife and daughter. Maryam this is Riaz and Fahad, you know, Ahmed bhai's sons. "

"Oh Ahmed Bhai! Yes! How's your Mom doing now? She's all settled after the surgery?"

Riaz shuffles his feet, clearly wanting to be anywhere else. He has his hands in his pockets and a black hoodie over a grey shirt.

"She's good, that was back in 2010. " Fahad, clearly the elder brother, says with a disarming charming grin.

Riaz grins. They have a clear resemblance now that I see them up close. Staring at his lips, makes me remember and I look down.

"Saina, say Salam." Dad says motioning to me with his hand.

Riaz stares at me with his lips in an O. His eyes wander around my hijab and slip down my face.

"Hi Riaz," I say with a feigned politeness. He doesn't deserve a Salam. "Assalamualaikum Fahad."

"Walaikumalaisalam," Fahad says quickly glancing down.

"Hey Saina! I didn't expect to see you here! So these are your parents. Uncle, Saina and I are friends from university. We've known each other forever." He states. Confidently. Annoyingly.

Go away.

But still, my heart flutters a little.

Shut up you stupid heart! Keep yourself in check.

I intently stare at Fahad's beard. It is easier to focus on then Raiz's slick face.

"Oh that's good that she has friends at university. You know Saina is working on her Masters now." Dad says.

The two boys sit down. Somehow Riaz and I end up eating together. He's sitting on the far side of the table and Fahad sits between us. The lion's eyes keep glancing at me.

Dad notices and keeps talking to him. Mom turns to Fahad. Riaz's eyes sear the side of my face.

"Fahad, what are you upto now? Saina's dad said you joined their company." Mom says.

Fahad looks up from his food and grins shyly.

"Yeah, my dad referred me to the Owner and I got a Project Manager position. Right now they are just introducing me to all the construction subtrades and the process. It's great experience though. My dad and I have been getting along a lot better too."

"Of course, of course. Seeing you working is probably his dream come true! Us parents want our kids to be happy." Mom says and grins at me.

I smile back and then catch Fahad's eye. He quickly swings a fork of noodles in his mouth.

I laugh. Mom glances at me as I pull out a pair of chopsticks.

"Aren't you going to try the chopsticks?" I say holding them out.

"Oh man, this is going to be embarrassing," Fahad says taking the utensils and poking at the noodles. "Aunty, just look away. A lot of mess is about to be made."

The three of us laugh. Mom is really obsessed with cleanliness.

When we reach home that night I run upstairs and wear my PJs. Mom and Dad call me and sit me down in the kitchen. Mom packs away our leftovers and Dad boils some milk for his tea. I watch as they finally slow down and lounge in front of me.

Aren't they going to say something? Oh God, I'm probably getting a huge lecture. They glance at each other and I nervously grin.

My grin slowly grows larger into a grimace until Mom takes my hands.

"We were thinking, Saina you're almost 23 now." Dad stares at the curtain behind me head.

"Every girl grows up in her parents' care and then she gets married and settles down. You know Saina, we know in today's co-education you kids make your own choices in who you like." Mom says.

Her eyes bore into mine. I bury a biscuit into my mouth.

"I have decided that my daughter should marry someone of her choice." Dad states.

He smiles at me. I scrunch my nose trying not to laugh. What is this?

"So Saina?" Mom says peering into my eyes.

"Yeah, Mom?"

"Is there anyone?" She says and I stare.

I raise an eyebrow and laugh. Nervously, but I don't think they notice.

"Okay, good." Dad says quickly, stretching his arms behind his back.

"Saina, did you have fun today?" Mom says.

"Yeah, Fahad is hilarious. Also, Eddie's is delicious! Too bad they don't have one by McGill."

"What do you think of Fahad?" Mom says.

"Uhh," I glance at my dad, who glances right back. "He's nice."

"They have a very nice family. Aunty is very religious and she grew up in an educated family." Mom says.

"We know Riaz is close to your age, but he's still a boy. Fahad has a job, he's settled down. It is good." Dad says.

"Why are you bringing this up all of a sudden?" I breathe.

"Saina, a proposal came. Ahmed Uncle talked to me a few times. He says he wants Fahad married into a nice family. He's already 26, it's a good age for him to settle down," Dad says. "It's upto you beti, if you want we can talk to Ahmed Uncle and Aunty Sara and you two can meet and chat, see if you have have like interests."

"Oh, " I say.

"What do you say Saina, should we call them for dinner? You and I can make delicious linguini and a nice cake and many delicious foods." Mom drops my hands and starts using her hands to talk.

"Yeah sure. If you guys think he's nice."

"So then, it's settled," Dad declares. "Come back next weekend and you two will meet."