Christmas Without You

Winter
"You're seriously going to buy everyone a present?" I asked Vic, my long time best friend. He and I have been attached by the hip ever since we were in elementary school.
"Why not? Have some Christmas spirit!" He said while placing a Santa hat over my head. I pretended it annoyed me but really I adored his high spirits. That's what I loved about Vic, he was so full of life.
"Oh my gosh Kellin you need to buy that hat!" Vic squealed.
"Shut up," I laughed and put it back to where he pulled it from.
"What should I get my brother?" He contemplated.
"Money?" I suggested.
"You're so boring!"
I rolled my eyes and he pulled on my arm towards the Christmas decorations. It was only the day after thanksgiving and he just had to go shopping.

A few weeks later on December 22nd he was finalizing his decorations for the Christmas party in two days. I helped him decorate his parents home with tinsel and red bows. Not to mention missile toe. He and I probably stood underneath it over twenty times today. He even jokingly pursed his lips and made kissy noises. Little did he know the only thing I wanted for Christmas was him...

•Christmas Eve•

"Kellin? You haven't said a single word since you walked in. Are you okay?" Vic asked while taking a seat next to me. He was wearing red skinny jeans and a white t-shirt, festive as always.
"I'm just not so big on holiday spirit," I admitted. Which was half true. I really wasn't the type of person to get involved in festivities. The main reason I was upset, though, was because he seemed so happy. I wanted to be happy with him. I just couldn't be. I couldn't be happy knowing the boy I'm in love with doesn't love me back.
"We can fix that," he said with a determined grin.
He grabbed my hand and led me over to the Christmas tree. I'm not gonna lie as soon as he touched me my heartbeat was going so fast I felt like I'd have a heart attack.
He sat me down in front of the tree and pulled something out from underneath it.
"For you," he smiled.
I looked at the tiny gold-wrapped present with wide eyes.
"Vic, you didn't have to..."
"I did."
"Thank you," I smiled crookedly. I didn't know how to react... I usually didn't receive presents.
"Well, open it!"
"It's not Christmas yet," I teased.
"Come on. I'm not going to see you tomorrow," he pouted.
"Okay," I grinned.
I pulled the tiny little bow apart and unfolded the paper, avoiding any tear because it was wrapped too perfectly to mess up.
"Faster!" He said in anticipation like a little boy.
I rubbed my finger across the black box; it was smooth and expensive feeling for just a simple box.
"I swear if you spent more than ten dollars on me..."
"Shut up just open it!"
I rolled my eyes and gently opened the little box. Inside of it was a silver chain with a circle pendant on the end. I turned the pendant around and engraved in the back was a little message.
'Kellin, I will love you forever. You're the best friend I've ever had.
-Vic'
I smiled and forced back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"I love it," I whispered.
"Do you?" He asked, seeming very proud of himself for pleasing me.
"Yes, Vic. It's the best gift I've ever gotten," I said.
"Can I put it on you?" He asked excitedly.
I nodded.
His cold fingers touched the back of my neck and sent chills down my spine as he hooked the chain together in the back.
He turned back to face me and I looked him straight in the eyes.

Around us all of our friends began to count down from thirty seconds before it was Christmas.
"Twenty one... Twenty..."
"I love you too," I whispered.
Vic smiled and the oh-so familiar blush creeped across his tan cheeks.
"Fourteen... Thirteen..."
"Promise me we'll be together forever?" He asked, I swear I saw a twinkling in his eyes. It must have just been the reflection from the Christmas three lights. He looked so perfect.
"Promise."
"Three... Two... One..."
In spur of the moment I leaned in and placed an innocent kiss on his lips. After so many years I awaited the day I could finally show him how I felt.
It didn't last long...
"What are you doing?" He asked with shock written across his face.
"I..I.." I couldn't figure out how to respond.
He stood up and backed away.
"I need a moment," Vic said and excused himself.
I felt a lump form in my throat as I tried to choke back tears once again, only this time they were not happy tears. After all this time... I showed him how I felt just to end up being rejected. I ran to my car with tears streaming down my face.
I couldn't see very well and the road was icy. That was probably why what happened next took place.
I was driving a little too fast and a deer attempted to cross the road at just the wrong time. I swiveled out of the way but lost control of my car and slipped off the side of the road. My car did a few flips down the hill until it came to a stop by crashing into a tree and I blacked out.

•December 1st Present Year•

I stretched my arms over my head as far as I could reach them. I didn't want to get out of the warmth of my bed.
"Can we just sleep all day?" My boyfriend Nick groaned into my arm. I didn't care much for him... I just didn't want to break his heart.
"I've got to go to work," I sighed.
"Can you take me to the mall? I want to but decorations for our tree," he asked.
"You know how I feel about Christmas," I warned.
"Yeah, yeah, a fool's holiday."
"I'm gonna shower," I said and stood up with only my boxers on.
An hour later I was ready to leave for my boring 9-5 office job.
"Bye, Nick," I called just loud enough for him to hear.
He came running over in his bare feet and wrapped his arms around my neck.
"Come home soon," he said seductively.
"Don't count on it," I said bluntly.
"Okay," he pouted, "I love you."
I kissed his cheek and left without replying to him. I felt bad that I treated him so horribly. It was just really difficult for me to find someone I loved. I've struggled with all of my past relationships too.

"Oh, Mr. Quinn, punctual as always," my boss stated gratefully.
"Mornin' Mr. Roberts," I forced a cheery smile.
I rushed over to the employee kitchen to grab a drink of coffee that I brought back to my office. I had a nice big room for an office that I decorated with pictures of my friends and family.
I picked up the little frame in front of my computer and sighed at the 16-year-old me sitting awfully close to my old friend Vic.
I was 22 now. Things were a lot different. I forgot all of my fantasy love stories and sucked it up. I couldn't help but feel an emptiness in my chest, though. Along with the guilt of abandoning my first love the day he rejected me. He tried to contact me multiple times by emailing, calling, and texting me. Eventually I changed my number and I received a new email address by my work's company.
Some days I hoped I'd just randomly run in to Vic while taking the bus home or while I'm out to dinner with my boyfriend. Maybe I could take him out for coffee and finally receive the closure that I craved to much.
I fingered the cold silver necklace around my neck.
"Someday," I whispered to myself.

•December 12th Present year•

I turned the television off so I could finally get myself to sleep. Before I went to my bedroom I checked outside of my apartment door.
Kellin wasn't there. Again.
I sighed and locked the door.
I dragged my feet to my bedroom and plopped myself into bed.
Maybe Kellin did die the night of Christmas Eve. I heard rumors that he made it out with only a concussion and a few broken ribs. I heard he's doing just fine now. But maybe everyone was lying to me so if quit feeling so horrible.
It was all my fault, after all.
He never would have left that night if I hadn't been so stupid. It's just not every day that the boy you were in love with decided to kiss you.
I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye.
"Jesus Christ, I'm 26, I've got to fucking grown up."
I pulled out the bottle of vodka from the drawer in my nightstand.
"Happy fucking holidays to me," I said while taking a chug of the bottle.
"I should look for him on Facebook," I told myself.
"Maybe I could get back in contact with him and show him how well I've done."
I was a millionaire. I didn't like to look like it, though.
After writing a few novels and coming out with a few solo albums I just made a crap load of money that I had no one to spend on.
Nothing mattered anyway. I only had one friend and his name was booze.
When I finished the bottle I rested my head on my pillow and thought about what it would be like to see Kellin again. Would he still have that precious long black hair? Was his voice still high and whimsical? I wonder how it would feel to have his lips against mind one more time.
I saved my lips for him.
Sure, I'd been with other guys during these past seven years but they were all one night things. I never let another man kiss me. Never.
I was going to be alone forever.
I hated life and I want to just disappear like the snowflakes that fall onto my window.
One day I'll do it. One day I'll disappear.