Christmas Without You

•December 19th Present Year•

I woke up again after another nightmare about Vic. I hated myself for ignoring him. I would do anything to hear his voice again... But, I couldn't visit him. He probably hated me now. He was rich and popular while I was working a stupid job as an accountant.
I buried the guilty feeling and got ready for another day at work.
"Kellin, can we please spend some time together?" Nick asked sadly.
I sighed.
"I'm not the romantic type," I said.
"Please, for me... I just... I feel like we're losing our connection," Nick pouted.
"Maybe we are."
He frowned and rustled his brown wavy hair that I loved.
"Fine," I gave in.
"Really?" He asked excitedly.
"Yeah, I'll call in sick today," I told him and I ran off into the kitchen so I could call my boss.

"So what do you want to do?"
Nick grinned suggestively and I knew exactly what was coming next.

An hour or so later we were huddled together in bed. I was flipping the channels on our television while he was watching my expressions and subconsciously drawing shapes into my bare skin.
"Let's watch Christmas specials," he pleaded.
"Okay," I said painfully.
I was thinking about Vic again.
"Be right back," I told Nick and slipped out from underneath his grasp.
I went to the living room and pulled open the laptop we kept on the coffee table.
I logged online and typed into google: Victor Fuentes.
A list of novels and songs came up. An email address for business purposes. I kept scrolling down until I saw a link to his home address.
I clicked it cautiously, knowing very well that it could be fake. I read it over and it was just some crappy apartment. There was no way a rich guy like Vic could be living there, so I gave up and turned the laptop off.

Nick was completely mesmerized by the frosty snowman or something like that. I pulled myself under the covers next to him and let him rest his head on my chest.

•Same Day, Vic's POV•

I pulled my car up in front of the place Kellin supposedly worked. I had my brother do a little research for me so that I could find him.
Was it really worth it?
I forced myself out and walked into the large building.
"Does Kellin Quinn work here?" I asked the frontman.
"Oh, yeah, 16th floor suite 19," the man smiled.
"Thank you."
I went up the elevator all the way to the 16th floor and found my way to suite 19.
"Which one is Kellin's office?" I asked the receptionist.
"One on the far left corner, he isn't in today," the lady frowned.
"Oh," I said and pursed my lips.
Of course. Of course the day I finally gain the courage to find out if he even remembers me he isn't here.
"I'm a close friend, can I just pick something up for him real quick?" I asked. I knew lying was wrong but at this point in my life I really didn't care.
"Sure! Could you tell him that I hope he feels better soon? He took the whole week off he must be pretty sick."
"Yeah I'll be sure to tell him," I lied.
I walked over to his office and let myself in, closing the door behind me. It was very well organized. He had walls lined with pull out drawers full of files. His desk was neatly arranged and to the side was a cluster of pictures. There were pictures of him and people I'd never met before. One picture stood out in particular. It was him kissing another man. The man was slightly shorter than him with bleach blonde hair. The mad was much more attractive than I was by far. I bit my lip to keep myself from feeling too emotional. I had to detach myself.
I looked around some more and in front of his computer was a small frame with an awfully too familiar photo in it.
The picture was taken a month before Christmas the year we last saw each other.
I picked up the picture and lightly brushed over Kellin's familiar face. This was the Kellin I remembered.

•November 19th, 7 years ago•

"Kellin?" I asked shyly.
"What do you want for Christmas?"
He gave me a funny look.
"I dunno," he admitted.
"Well... What do you want in general. What's that one thing in the world that you wish you could have?"
"Someone who loves me, I guess," he said mostly to himself.
"I love you," I smiled.
"You know what I mean," he pouted.
I did know what he meant. I felt the same way, only, it was about him.
It was so insane, I know. How could my best friend ever love me as a lover?
"You'll find her someday," I said hopefully.
"Him," he stated.
"What?"
"I'll find him someday," Kellin corrected me.
"Are you telling me you're gay?" I asked with a slight amusement in my tone.
"Is that a problem?" He frowned.
"No," I laughed, "I'm gay too."
His eyes crinkled into the little smile I was trying to get out of him.
"Well are we an interesting couple," he chuckled.
I froze at the mention of a couple.
"Yeah," I sighed happily.

•December 19th Present Year•

I blinked away the water forming in my eyes and put the picture frame down.
I decided I wanted to snoop a little more because this could be the last chance I'd have any form of contact with Kellin.
Inside his drawers were more papers and files. Rather than looking through them I just groaned and shut the drawers.
I looked up to his computer with a sly grin. I clicked rapidly on the mouse to wake it up. When it finally turned on it was blocked by a password. I bit my lip in frustration. Maybe I could crack the code.
I tried different dates. His birthday, his graduation, his first concert. None of it worked.
Then it came to me.
1224
I typed it in and the computer opened with a "welcome."
He used the date he left me as his password. I crinkled my nose, not sure if that was a good or bad thing.
I looked through files but all I found were more documents.
When I checked the internet it opened straight to his email.
There were many different ones I could choose from but I decided to open the one from "Nick" solely because I was slightly jealous he was talking to another man.
I opened the email and up came a picture of a man kissing Kellin on the cheek. Kellin looked much older than he did in any other picture from his desk. His hair was parted off to the side and his face was a lot more more manly now. His eyes were still the piercing blue color they used to be, even in the photo I lost all sense of direction.
The email read "You asked for this picture so here it is. I love you Kellin, see you when you get home today."
My face flustered in jealousy.
That was enough for me to want to leave his office. I shut off the computer and grabbed a random paper from his recycle bin so it wouldn't look like I came without purpose.
"See you later," I said to the lady at the front desk.
"Happy holidays," the woman smiled.
I forced one back to her and rolled my eyes once I got near the elevator. It was most definitely not a happy holiday and it hasn't been for the past six years.

When I got home I threw myself on my bed once again with thoughts of Kellin flooding my mind.
"I miss him... I miss him... I miss him..." I cried into my pillow while violently clutching my bed sheets.
He was happy now, at least. At least one of the two of us was living a good life.
I silently cursed him for getting the good life but immediately scolded myself for thinking so negatively.
I hate Christmas.
I hate myself.
The tears continued to fall from my eyes as I opened my drawer for a bottle of whiskey.
I opened the fresh bottle and chugged as much as I could down.
My vision went blurrier and blurrier with each new sip.
"All I want for Christmas," I sang off key.
"Is youuuuuuuu," I slurred and kissed the bottle in front of me.
"And to get hit by a truck," I laughed at the thought.
I wished that somehow I could end all of the pain of waiting for Kellin to show up when I knew better that he had no idea where I lived, no idea what I was doing, and no idea who I was anymore.
Surely even if he met me again he would be extremely unimpressed with who I've become.
"You stupid, worthless, piece of-" I yelled at myself in the mirror until someone next door banged on the wall like they often did when I was getting too loud.
I sighed I dragged my feet over to the chair in front of my television.
Nothing was on besides stupid Christmas specials.
The phone rang and I jumped out of my seat, hoping it was Kellin calling for me to meet him and elope.
"Hello?" I asked cheerily.
"Vic."
"Oh. It's you," I said to my brother with an extreme loss of interest.
"Have you been drinking?"
"I'm gonna drink to my grave, Mikey," I laughed.
"At this rate that won't be such a long ways away."
"Thank god, I'm ready to die," I sighed.
"Vic, no, don't say that. Are you coming over for Christmas?"
"If I told you to jump off a bridge would you?" I asked as if I was making a point.
"What? No? Vic that doesn't make any sense are you coming over?"
"No, Mike. I hate Christmas. It's the worst time of the year. Winters always hurt," I complained.
"Okay, I'm coming over right now to get you sobered up. Then we'll get you some help..."
"Did I mention I moved again?" I said playfully.
"Damnitt, Vic. How long are you going to play these games?" Mike yelled, "I'm trying to help you and you're just avoiding me because I care!"
"Just like Kellin did," I laughed.
"You need help," Mike said and hung up the phone.
I hung up dramatically and trudged back to my bed without turning the television off.
"No, you need help!" I yelled at the air.
I polished off the bottle of whiskey and passed out.