Christmas Without You

•December 24th Present Day•

I woke up next to Nick who was still asleep huddled up next to me like a kitten.
Today was the day. The day that marked the seven year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I sighed.
"Good morning," Nick yawned.
I turned away from him and stuffed my face into my pillow. This was stupid.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"This isn't working out," I said as I turned to him.
"I want to love you," I admitted, "but I just can't seem to do it. Nick, I'm so sorry."
Nick looked at me with understanding.
"I know," Nick said.
"I could tell you never really loved me. Hell, you never even said it. But I'm in love with you, and I wish you the best, Kellin," he sprawled out of bed, "and promise me we'll keep in contact."
"I promise," I said and stood up to give him one last kiss.
"God I'm going to miss how good you are at that," He sighed with a sad laugh.
"You'll find someone better. Someone who loves you," I smiled at him.
"Help me pack? I'm going to my parents house for Christmas anyway. I'll just take everything with me.
"Okay," I smiled.
The whole thing went much faster then I'd expected. I was glad Nick was easier to break up with. Some of the guys I had been in relationships with were always very emotional. When I broke up with them, they would cry and beg me not to leave them. Nick had always been very cooperative.

I helped him pack for a few hours then called a cab to come get him. He told me he'd miss me and I sent him off with a hug and a "we'll keep in contact."
When I arrived back home I huddled up in bed with my laptop warming my legs.
I searched for Vic again only this time I searched photos. I found so many of him as a young adult but none were from the past four years. He was still looking good from what I could see. He looked pretty much the same, actually. I missed him...
I sighed and opened the drawer next to me to pull out the mix cd he made for me as a birthday gift when I turned 16.

•April 24, 7 Years ago•

The doorbell rang and I slid in my socks in order to see who was out front.
I opened It and to my surprise it was Vic.
"I thought you were in school?" I asked my older friend. Him, being 19, went to college in San Diego.
"I couldn't miss my best friends birthday, could I?" He asked and opened his arms wide so that he could hug me.
"You're the best," I said to him.
"I know," he chuckled.
"I brought you something," he smiled cheerfully.
"What is it?" I asked with a huge grin.
He pulled a cd case from inside his backpack and placed it in my hands.
"A bunch of songs that remind me of you," he said.
"Heck yes!" I exclaimed, "let's go listen to it!"
He and I ran upstairs to my room and put it into my laptop so I could stream the music.
The first song was iris by the goo goo dolls, a song I forever loved that made my eyes water at just the mention of it.
I lied on his chest while his arm was around my shoulder. He subconsciously stoked my hair while I played with the hem of his shirt.
My parents were rarely home because they were on full time jobs, but I didn't mind it much. I preferred being alone anyway.
"Do you want me to fall in love with you?" I asked him sarcastically.
"I already know you love me," he teased and scooted closer to my body.
We lay there with the music blaring and our hands coming together every so often.
That was the first day I realized I was truly in love with Vic.

•December 24th Present Year•

Sometimes I still think I'm in love with Vic.
I remember the way he looked at me when I was talking, even if I didn't look at him. I remember how he used to treat me like his best thing. He made me feel like I was important. That's something I've never been able to find in a boyfriend.
I silently cursed myself for ever letting someone like that go.
I wish I could see him one last time just to tell him that I love him. Vic was the one person in my life who made me happy, I wish I hadn't let him go so easily.

•Same Day, Vic's POV•

I cowered into my bed yet again. Today was the day that marked the seven year anniversary for my biggest regret. I couldn't believe I lost Kellin.

•December 24th, 7 Years ago•

"Have you seen Kellin?" I asked my brother.
"He left about an hour ago. Didn't he tell you?" Mike questioned.
"Oh shit," I breathed.
Kellin had a history of bad decisions. I just knew he couldn't be up to any good right now.
I called his phone. With every new ring I grew more and more anxious. I decided to call his home.
"Hello?" Mr. Bostwick asked.
"Is Kellin home?" I asked shakily.
"No, I thought he was with you?"
"He left an hour ago," I said nervously.
"Should I be worried?"
"I don't know," I admitted, "I'm going to look for him."
"Thanks, Victor. If you find him please bring him home," Mr. Bostwick said and hung up before I could respond.
He was sort of an asshole and really inconsiderate when it came to his son.

I grabbed my car keys and left in search of Kellin. My first thought was to take the route he'd use to get home. I followed the road and came to an abrupt stop when I saw an ambulance and an abundance of police cars crowding in front if what looked to be Kellin's car. It was hard to make out since it had been so crushed and mangled.
"No, fuck no, please don't be Kellin," I pleaded to a higher power.
"Excuse me," I asked for an officer's attention, "Do you know who that is?"
"We've identified his license plate, he's the son of Mr. Bostwick. His name is Kellin, I believe. He was good friends with my son.
"What do you mean was?" I asked.
The officer looked like he was contemplating whether to tell me or not.
"Well," he sighed, "a crash like this... The likelihood of surviving is..."
"No. No, he's going to live!" I yelled and ran past him.
I slid my way down the hill until I reached the people pulling Kellin up onto a gurney.
He was so beaten up. There was so much blood coming from the glass that was jabbed into his skin by contact. His head looked like it had gone through some serious trauma.
"Will he be okay?" I panted.
"I'm not gonna lie to you, kid. It would be a Christmas miracle if he survives this."
I wiped the tears streaming down my face.
"Can I come to the hospital with him?" I asked.
"Are you immediate family?"
"No," I choked.
"Sorry, no can do."
"P-please. I love him. I can't just leave him. He needs me!"
The man chose to ignore me and close the back to the ambulance, then they spend away.
I stood there listening until the sound of every last siren faded away into the distance.

I slugged into my car and drove the long way home in complete silence. I blamed myself. If I had just told him how I felt instead of making him feel like I didn't care, maybe then he'd have stayed and we could have made this the best Christmas ever.

•December 24th, Present Year•

I believe that I made an honest effort to get Kellin back. I spent three years trying to contact him again. I'm not sure if he ignored me or maybe just didn't receive any of them. Now that I know he's alive and well, I couldn't help but think that he just wanted to avoid me. But what for? Fear of rejection? I was never the type of person to reject someone. I was just... Shocked. It was the perfect moment, the perfect kiss, but all of my best memories are now blurred out by the constant pain and alcohol clouding my better judgement.
"This is it," I sighed.
I couldn't take any more of this pain. I wanted to leave the world. Kellin obviously didn't want anything to do with me. Why should I wait for something good to happen if I don't know how long it will take? It's like waiting for a package to come in the mail that I wasn't sure I ordered in the first place. I love Kellin dearly, and he would forever be known to me as one of the best people I've ever had. I just couldn't take it anymore, though.
Tomorrow on Christmas Day I'll end it for good.
I pulled out my laptop from under my bed and typed our a queued message to send to all of my family the day after Christmas. I wouldn't want to ruin their holiday with my selfish choice.
"I'm done," I cried.
I pulled out as much alcohol as I could gather from my fridge and a little special something I often ignored.
"Might as well," I whispered to myself while opening the bag of white power and setting out rows of it for me to do.

Two hours, three bottles of beer, one bottle of rum, four shots of vodka, and a half a bag of cocaine later I was on the floor unable to move. I was tripping more than I knew was possible.
"What are you doing?" Kellin asked.
Hallucination Kellin, that is.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Just take your life already. You have nothing."
"I thought you loved me," I whimpered.
"Why the hell would I love a useless piece of crap like you?"
"You're right," I sighed.
"That's why I'm going to do it. Tomorrow. Right now I should have a little fun, right?"
"You're a weak boy," Hallucination Kellin scoffed.
The weird thing was I knew this wasn't real, I just couldn't get myself to feel that way.
"And you're such a real man, huh?" I defended.
"If I was ever such a problem to you why didn't you face it instead of wimp out?"
The hallucination disappeared and left me to myself. I lay there and counted the spots and colors appearing in front of me.
"I should write a note to Kellin," I told myself.
I propped myself up slightly and pulled a notepad and pen off my night stand.
I couldn't really see if what I was writing made sense but I wrote what came to mind and set it down next to me to check up on tomorrow morning right before I took my life.

"Okay, up," I groaned to myself while pulling myself up and rolling onto my messy bed.
"Merry Christmas, Vic," I drunkenly smiled at the clock which read 12 am.
"Have this lovely bottle of Jack Daniels," I said to myself while pulling a bottle out from underneath my pillow.
I chugged every last drop then set my alarm clock for 4 am that way no one in my complex would be awake and stop me. I couldn't have that happening.
In exactly four hours I'd be gone for good. My eyes slung closed and I feel asleep with a sick feeling in my stomach.