Christmas Without You

•Christmas Day•

"You know what, what better day than today?" I asked myself and stood up off my couch.
I took a shower, did my hair, and dressed in the best casual outfit I could find.
I was going to go try and find Vic.
I scribbled the address down on the palm of my hand and grabbed my car keys.
I nervously made my way to the car out front and opened the door for myself.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly after staring the car and made my way down the block into the downtown area. I could have walked but I felt much more comfortable to have a place to retreat to if this didn't work out.
When I reached the building I stopped my car and took deep breaths in and out. Seven years is a lot of time for me to build up this anxious feeling that's taking over my stomach right now.
I took the stairs to the second floor of the complex and silently stepped through the cold hallways until I got closer to his room number.
I froze. It was just a few feet away. You can do this, Kellin. It's probably not even his apartment.
When I reached his door I stood there without moving a muscle. I didn't know whether to know or ring the bell so I went with both.
"Hello? Anybody home?" I called.
Not a peep.
I looked down at my feet and saw the familiar floor mat that Vic liked to keep outside his doors. This was his place! I shook with anticipation and knocked yet again.
Still no reply.
Maybe he had gone away for the holidays.
Then I remembered where he always kept his spare keys.
I crossed my fingers that I could find it.
I opened up a small slit in the side of the mat that Vic made in order to hide his key. I reached in and pulled out the small metal object.
My body was shaking nervously. Even though he wasn't home, I was still going into his house and it was just the most horrifying thing I could do.
I opened the door, stepped in and closed it behind me.
"Anyone home?" I called.
No one responded.
I looked around. The place was extremely cluttered which was really odd because I had always known Vic to be a neat freak. It reeked of major alcohol in here, too. Oh well, people change.
Shrugging it off I walked over to the kitchen area and saw piles upon piles of empty booze bottles.
"This can't be his house," I told myself.
I walked through the next doorway and my eyes immediately fell to the single piece of paper on the floor.
It was mostly incoherent tangents but one part really stuck out to me:
"So I want you to know, even though you did this to me, I forgave you the minute I realized we were through. Stay strong for me, Kellin. I'm sorry if taking my life had any negative affect on you, that's not what I wanted. Seek happiness and leech onto it. Don't become someone like me."
I stopped breathing and dropped the note.
"No, no, no, no, no!" I screamed.
I ran my fingers through my hair and stood there processing what I had just read.
He can't be gone.
Tears were streaming down my face and my throat felt like it was closing in on itself.
I searched his place for any sign of him. He was nowhere to be found.
Until I looked under the mass of clothes, blankets, and bottles on his bed.
I saw a familiar hand with skinny tan fingers.
"Vic!"
I pulled off as much as I could from his body until I could grab him and get him out of there. I pulled his limp body into my arms.
"You didn't Vic. No," I cried hysterically.
I had gone all of this time thinking that his life was perfectly in order.
"I did this to you!" I breathed shakily.
I ran my fingers through his long brown hair.
"I still loved you," I whispered.
Just then I felt his weight shift in my arms and he moved himself to cradle against me.
I gasped but quickly wiped the tears from my face so he couldn't see that I was crying when he woke up.
"Oh god what time is it?" He groaned without opening his eyes. Even though he sounded like I wreck I was taken aback by his voice. That perfect mellifluous voice that I hadn't heard in seven long years.
His hand reached up and lightly tapped me on the face.
"Oh, shit!" He said shocked and backed away.
His eye were squinting and I could tell he was just trying to see who I was.
"Oh, it's you again," he chuckled.
"Listen I told you I'm going to do it today. I think my power got shut off," he hiccuped.
"Vic, it's me," I said softly.
He rubbed his eyes and opened them a little wider.
"You look painfully realistic this time. I'm going insane," he said.
"Vic. It's me. Kellin. I'm here," I said trying to reassure him from whatever trip he thought he was on.
"No it's not," he sighed.
I bit my lip and rolled my eyes a little.
"Let's get you cleaned up," I suggested.
"Why? I'm going to kill myself," he said carelessly.
"Please don't, Vic."
"What?"
"I won't let you do that," I said determinedly.
"You've never..."
"Kellin?!?" He yelped and stood up so fast I could barely keep up with him.
"Yeah," I smiled.
"No! No it's not you!" He said with tears already streaming down his face.
"In the flesh," I giggled.
"Y-you... You came!"
"Thank god I did," I said, trying to avoid thinking of how differently things would have gone if I never showed up.
"This isn't real," he told himself and roughly patted his face.
"This is real," I said and took a step closer to him.
"No it's not," he cried.
By then I think he understood I was really there but he was just in utter shock.
I walked backwards to find his bathroom and help him clean up but he stopped me.
"Don't you leave me again!" He cried.
"I'm right here, Vic. I'm not leaving," I said softly.
"Come here," I said and held out my hand for him to take.
He slowly stepped towards me and put his hand into mine.
"It's real!" He exclaimed breathlessly.
"Yes, Vic. I'm real," I laughed.
Without warning he took all of me into his arms and tightly hugged me.
"You don't know how long I've been waiting for this day," he sobbed.
"I do, actually," I admitted and rubbed his back soothingly.
He wouldn't let me go and I wouldn't let him go. I was beginning to think this hug was going to last forever until he gently slipped out of my grasp.
"Do you live here?" I asked him. I knew it was a stupid question but he couldn't live in this pigsty it was just way too unnatural.
"I haven't payed rent this month," he admitted, "so I won't live here for much longer."
A great idea brewed in my mind.
"Come live with me," I suggested.
"What?" He asked as if I were insane to even mention that.
"Please," I said, trying to convince him.
"Y-you're serious?"
I nodded.
He tangled his fingers with mine.
"I just need to get a few things..."
I smiled and helped him gather his clothes into boxes and suitcases. All he really had was clothes and then a small night stand with his close possessions.

A few hours later we threw all of his clothes in the washer and I had him all cleaned up. We were sitting on the couch together drinking some coffee.
"Kellin, I know this is stupid to say considering I haven't said it in over six years but...."
"Merry Christmas."
A blush formed across my cheeks.
"Merry Christmas, Vic."

It was great having him here. But... Something was missing.
"Vic I'm not gonna lie I haven't had a good Christmas since I left you."
"Me neither," Vic admitted.
"I have a question..." Vic said.
"Mhm?"
"Why did you come...? What made you think today was the day? Why wait seven years?"
"That's more than one question," I laughed.
I knew exactly why I did everything I did. Only, I wasn't so sure I wanted to tell Vic I did it out of love. I'm sure he had already forgotten my stupidity for kissing him seven years ago, I wouldn't want to make the same mistake all over again.
"I did it because I missed our friendship," I said, only it wasn't so convincing because he gave me an "I know you're lying" kind of look.
"Well. Okay. Kellin?"
"Yes?"
He scooted over to me close enough for our thighs to be touching.
"I've had this present for you for a long time, I'm not exactly sure if you'll still like it..." He said nervously.
"Huh? I'm sure I will, you knew me so well," I said with a smile.
What could he possibly have gotten me, though?
I played with the silver chain around my neck.
He smiled in realization that I still had it on.
"Here," Vic said softly.
I wanted to ask him what he was giving me but before I could say a word his lips were on mine, reminding me of the day seven years ago when we kissed for the very first time.
Only this time, it lasted much longer than a few seconds.
His lips moved gently in rhythm with mine as he caressed the back of my head with his careful hand.
I smiled with my lips still on his.
"This is the best gift you ever could have gotten me," I admitted.
Vic took hold of my hands in one of his and softly stroked my face with the other.
He placed another kiss on my lips and wrapped his arms around me.
"I love you," I said.
"I love you, too," Vic replied.