Courage

The small bottle was on the floor inside the bathroom. It was open and the pills were on the floor. I was sitting beside it, examining closely the little white balls. I found it really interesting how they didn’t taste good and they were able to take lives. Just a few pills and you were able to die. Simple enough.

I just wanted to be with the ones I loved and loved me. I just wanted to be able to breathe like all the other people around me. Wanting to die wasn’t wrong, that’s what I had thought. I desired death and I was ready to welcome it till I heard her voice in my head, whispering words I never wanted to hear. ‘’It requires more courage to suffer than to die.’’

Upon thinking I heard those words, realization hit me hard. I didn’t have the courage, that’s why I wanted to die. I was a coward and I just wanted all my suffering to end. There was no meaning to this life of mine, yet she had said that I had to suffer first and when the time was right, I’d die. I had to stay alive while everyone else from my family was dead. That was what she kept telling me over and over again, yet I didn’t care.

It was the first time after two never-ending months, that I ignored her voice in my head and did what I wanted. I grabbed the pills and swallowed them because you needed courage to stay alive but you also needed courage when you wanted to die. I had the courage to die but not to stay alive.

That was the first time I tried to commit suicide and it was also the last. The baby I had inside my belly had to stay alive and I had regained a reason to live. I was actually glad that my best friend took me to the hospital and the doctors saved my life because I didn’t want to leave this world by killing a child along with me. I had to stay strong for the baby and for me.

In the end all I needed wasn’t courage but a reason to live, and I had that now.