December

Staring out the window, I watch the snow fall from the dark sky above. I bring my hand up to my cheek and gently wipe away the small tear that falls from my eye. This year will be so much different than last and it’s because I can’t be anywhere near my family this year. Believe me, I want to be around my family, but I just can’t this year. There is just too much pain and I know that I won’t last if I am surrounded by my family.

The ringing of the phone makes me jump. I turn away from the window and walk towards the kitchen to grab my phone. I glance at the caller ID and almost ignore it completely. Instead, I take a deep breath and hit the answer button.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Babe?” her voice asks.

“It’s me. What do you want?” I ask.

“Please come home,” she pleads.

“You know I can’t come home,” I tell her.

“Why the hell not?” she demands.

“You know perfectly well why I can’t come home.”

“Dammit, Dean, it’s Christmas for crying out loud. Please come home.”

I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose out of frustration. There’s no way I can come home. Not after what happened. I remember like it was yesterday and I know I can’t keep letting it happen. As much as I love her, I can’t keep doing this to her.

“You know I want more than anything to come home to you and Ben.”

“Do I? You’ve been ignoring my calls for months. I know you’re busy and I know being away from us is necessary at times, but honestly, Dean, we miss you. Christmas isn’t the same this year without you.”

I let out a sigh. I really want to go back to them, but it’s not safe yet. It may never be safe again and being away from them is the only way I can think of to keep them safe from everything.

“Babe? You still there?”

I clear my throat. “Yeah. I miss you guys too. I do. I can’t promise I’ll be home for Christmas, but I can at least try,” I tell her.

“Thank you. That’s all I ask.”

“Alright. I gotta go now,” I tell her.

“Stay safe.”

“Yeah.”

I hang up the phone and place it down on the counter of the kitchenette. I walk back to the window and stare out the window again. I look towards the door in hopes my brother will come back soon, but he may not. Last year wasn’t the best for either of us, but we got through it. I know we can get through this year also, but only if we fight for it.

I remember when my brother wanted to celebrate Christmas more than I ever did. I know that he knew it meant time spent with family, but considering our family is always in shambles we never got to celebrate it the right way. Sighing, I stare at the door again, hoping to burn a hole into it with my eyes. Sadly, nothing happens and I turn back to the window.

The snow is always beautiful, but only if you can share it with someone special. I thought I had found that someone special until my life was yet again shoved into shambles. Months of trying to make it work weren’t working, so I gave up. She still held some sort of hope to it all working out though. If she remembered the same Christmas that I did last year, it wasn’t all fun and games.

I glance down at my phone and let out a frustrated sigh. He is taking way too long to return. I search the drawers for some paper and scribble a quick note to my brother before grabbing my keys and climbing into my car and speeding off. Maybe I can salvage whatever is left.

I speed down the highway as the snow continues to fall. I drive all night in hopes that I will get there in time, but I know it is hours away and I may miss everything. All I can say is that I at least tried and that has to count for something. After a few more hundred miles, I finally pull to a stop in front of their house.

The lights are still on and I can see them through the open curtains around the brightly lit Christmas tree. They look happy from this distance, but it could just be a façade. I don’t know for sure. I switch off the car and sit in silence as I continue to watch them. Some may think it’s a creepy kind of way, but right now this may be the only way for me to be close to them. Not like the year before, when I was actually inside with them and sitting around the tree as well. The memories continue to wash over me as I stare at the house.

Finally, I pull the keys from the ignition and open my door. Slamming it shut, I trudge through the snow and up towards the house. I make sure to stick to the shadows, in case anything might be watching. Once at the door, I take a deep breath and knock on it. Only a few moments pass before the door whips open and I stare into the face of Ben.

We stare at each other and then I see a wide smile break out on his face. He steps forward and engulfs me in a hug. I stumble a little before wrapping my arms around him tightly. I did miss him a lot since I’ve been gone. He pulls away and looks up at me.

“Mom, said you weren’t coming,” he says.

“I did say that I wasn’t coming,” I answer.

“Then what changed your mind?”

“Yeah, Dean, what changed your mind?” her voice asks.

I raise my head from looking at Ben to come face to face with the one girl I could never stay away from or forget. I swallow hard as I stare into her eyes.

“Dean?” Ben prompts.

I look down at him and smile. “I realized how much I missed you both. Christmas isn’t Christmas without the two of you anymore,” I finally answer.

Ben grins and then grabs my hand and pulls me into the house. I follow him through the hallway and into the living room where I notice a pile of presents stacked under the tree. I collapse onto the floor next to Ben and watch as he opens his mound of presents. I was right. Christmas just isn’t the same without them and I shouldn’t have stayed away so long.