I'll Check in Tomorrow if I Don't Wake Up Dead

The next three weeks proved nearly unbearable for Lily. Sleep constantly evaded her, and when she did sleep it was always the same nightmare; one she knew so well she could vividly recall every detail. She began to revert from her family and the two cops; constantly secluding herself in her room. And it had become her room as Gerard no longer slept their; he’d even moved his thing out of there, all many things he could take out while still fitting it into Stephen and Frank’s room.

A growing tension had coiled around everyone and frequently Lily would hear fights break out near her door or downstairs; usually involving Gerard and Stephen, while Frankie was subjected to play referee between the two. From what she heard Stephen blamed Gerard entirely for what happened; calling him an array of colorful names that Lily didn’t even know he knew. However, she couldn’t find the energy or willingness to even care anymore. She would just lay in her bed listening to her iPod as the days and weeks passed her by.

Kara was extremely concerned, often coming to sit by Lily and try to cajole her into pressing charges; or just making sure she was eating. A couple days after the incident Lily had told Kara everything that had happened; and the woman had nearly gone to find Alex herself. Lily though begged her to just drop it and begrudgingly her mother did- to a point. She still tried to get Lily to go tell the police; but the girl just… She was terrified if she did than the people she was already running from would find her.

Frankie had been her saving grace during these three weeks because when Kara wasn’t there; Frankie was. He would always shuffle in and ask in a quiet and pacifying tone if he could come in. At first Lily hadn’t wanted anyone near her and Frank respected that; but it didn’t deter him from asking each day. Eventually Lily allowed him to come in and he’d ask a few questions, always ready to back off if Lily felt them too probing.

The last week though, Lily had come to see him as someone to talk about and he sat with her often, listening to her and giving her advice on how to handle things. She could tell he was worried, and the two had an unspoken rule of not discussing Gerard. Because of this she felt incredibly safe and at ease with the man; more so than Gerard or Stephen, and he annoyed her less than Kara was beginning to.

Today however, the two had been unusually quiet. Frank sitting on the end of the bed while Lily read one of the books that had been laying around. This continued on until Lily glanced up and noticed Frank watching her. Frank was giving her this wide-eyed look that she couldn’t quite place and frowning Lily sighed turning to him raising an eyebrow.

“What?” She asked, slowly, hesitantly. Frank just glanced down at his hands, clearly reluctant to speak.

“I just… I wish you wouldn’t lock yourself up here. It worries me.” This was a twist, they had spoken in these past weeks about what had happened to Lily, their pasts and small-chat; overall she felt she knew him pretty well now, but they’d never talked about his own feelings. It was probably selfish, but it had just never come up and blinking Lily searched for the right words to say.

“They stare at me with pity and I can’t stand it. They look at me as if I’m weak and fragile; which maybe I am to a point. But I can’t pretend that I’m not when they look at me like that.”

“They’re worried Lily. And the more you stay up here the worst those looks are going to get. You don’t have to pretend to be strong. We’re all here to support you through this; you know that. I am.” His voice was quiet and pleading; while Lily merely bit her lip.

“I don’t… I don’t want to see him.”

“You’re going to have to at some point. He’s just as ba-” He stopped suddenly and cleared his throat looking away. This was news to Lily and turning to examine Frank she took a moment to urge him to continue what he was saying.

“What?” The small man shook his head refusing to meet Lily’s gaze. “C’mon Frankie please? What’s going on with him?” As much as she detested to admit it; Lily was concerned for him. She only saw him a couple times in the past week and Lily had a feeling he was intentionally avoiding her to give her space as she had requested.

“He’s just… Moping. He looks just as bad as you do- not…” He paused and cleared his throat awkwardly. “I don’t know what else to tell you. I mean he’s been terribly tempered lately and he just doesn’t… He doesn’t do much besides snap at people and stay in the room.” Lily felt a stab of pity and regret at this but glanced down at her hands.

“It’s not my problem.” The wispy brunette snapped, flinching as if he had been accusing her.

“I’m not saying it was. I merely think that he considered you two friends and the fact that he’d taken off; didn’t protect you like he promised, your anger and withdrawal are just a little too much for him to handle.” The smaller cop sounded eons older than he normally did and Lily looked at her hands.

“He promised he’d be there.” She choked out, still clearly not coming to terms with the broken promises.

“He loathes himself for that Lily. You have to understand he was working when he left and he should of told you that; but what about me? I didn’t offer to go with you. I could of just as easily prevented what happened as Gerard.” It had been a point she hadn’t thought- no. That she didn’t want to consider and looking at her hands Lily shook her head, sending her brown hair flying about her face.

“It’s not the same though. I… I trusted him! And when I needed him most he just… he wasn’t there.” Lily struggled to explain; trying to make Frank understand the deep well of resentment and betrayal she felt she’d been dealt by Gerard’s hand.

“I know.” Frank mumbled and glanced down at his tattooed hands as if some answer seen only by him resided there. “I think you’re both hurt and angry. And I think you have a lot to talk about; both of you when you’re both ready.”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I have anything to say to him. I just want to get this-” She waved her hands about her gesturing to the room. “-This trial over and done with and get back to my life and forget everything that happened here. That’s where I am now.” Frank made a small noise in the back of his throat that sounded morbidly amused.

“Thanks a bunch Lily.” She blushed and quickly waved her hands assuring him that’s not at all what she meant.

“I mean… I want to forget about what happened with Alex. And Gerard and the fact that this was even a part of my life. Not you, you’re alright.” She flashed a small and hesitant smile and it seemingly brightened Frank up.

“Well clearly.” He winked at her before climbing to his feet and holding out his hand. “How about we go downstairs? It’ll be ok I won’t leave you down there alone.” His words were soft and soothing while Lily stared at him with an air of disbelief.

“Yeah? How do I know you’re not just gonna take off?” She teased and Frank scoffed, mockingly hurt.

“Well, I suppose you’ll have to trust me. C’mon lets watch something. Gerard came back with a gaming console for Stephen with a few games a couple days ago. I think he’s trying to bribe him over; it didn’t work and so far no one’s played it.” Frank whined, and it was clear that’s what he wanted to do so with a gracious nod Lily slid off the bed and brushed her sweatpants off.

“Alright, well you’ve convinced me.” His face broke into a grin and excitedly he leapt to his feet and hurried after Lily bounding into the hallway waiting.

“What did he even get?” Frank just shrugged and scuffled his feet sheepishly.

“I dunno.” She was about to playfully berate him; though paused as the door adjacent to hers opened and a disheveled looking Gerard stepped into the hallway. His skin was pale and gaunt, and a flush was broken out across his hollowed cheeks. However it was his eyes that scared Lily; they no longer held their expressive range of emotion, they were blank and listless and she was unable to get a read on what he was feeling anymore. He seemed to notice her and slowly, at a near antagonizing pace lowered his eyes to meet hers. At first he seemed shocked and a small noise escaped from the back of his throat.

Then he seemed apologetic and began to murmur something in a rough and cracked voice before beginning to shuffle back into his room. Aghast at the man she now saw shuffling backwards into his room Lily felt her stomach turn a little. Granted she probably didn’t look much better for wear and tear- but that’s when it truly struck her that he was sorry for leaving her. She opened her mouth to speak but the door was closed in her face and Gerard was gone. Frank stood near her and turning to face him found an unreadable expression clouding his eyes.

“Wh..What’s wrong with him?” Lily managed to ask and almost succeeded at sounding apathetic.

“I told you he was moping. He gets like this when he feels like he fucked up. Which he did.” Frank affirmed and began to walk down the stairs. Casting a single, solitary, glance over her shoulder Lily followed Frank down the stairs where Kara was reclining on the sofa, a sudoku in her hands. Upon hearing someone come down the stairs she glanced up and her look of disdain shattered into shock and excitement at seeing her daughter out of her room. However, the pity that Lily had dreaded seeing was there; as if openly laughing at her and biting back a scowl she slowly followed Frankie to the living room where she elected to flop down in an armchair closest to the doorway.

“Hey sweetie, it’s nice to see you out of your room.” Kara squealed happily putting away her sudoku to which Lily smiled; though it felt more like a grimace to her.

“Yeah, thank Frankie.” She grumbled, and Kara beamed at him.

“So what are you two doing?” Lily didn’t answer, just sullenly stared off into space her elsewhere; so Frank answered for her.

“Not much I was just going to try out the new gaming console that Gee picked up the other day.” Kara nodded, her bright smile faltering.

“Oh, well you’d be the first.” She remarked and Lily could feel her hopeful eyes boring into her head as if the girl would begin to make conversation. As Frank bustled about she could feel her mind drifting more and more, away from this room and to the one upstairs that contained a sorry looking Gerard. Had guilt really done that to him? She could recall her words with a flinch "You can't protect anyone, who do you think you're kidding?! You couldn't save anyone!" She had said the most hurtful thing she could think of at the time, and Lily sighed casting her eyes downward as Frank played on the console; talking cheerfully with Kara and trying to get Lily to chime in.

Standing up abruptly Frank and Kara both looked away from their conversations to look up at the girl standing with a dazed expression in the middle of the living room. She was hardly aware of Kara’s prodding and Frank’s gentle questioning as Gerard’s face, tormented in a way she hadn’t expected to cause, swim across her vision. She needed sort things out with him, ignoring him hadn’t done anyone any good and the original problem still remained; but Lily was beginning to realize that this was a problem she wanted to fix with him.

Without explaining she turned around and hurried out of the room ignoring Kara’s call; and Frank hushing her as if he could listen to what she was thinking. Rushing up the stairs, Lily didn’t really think about what she was doing until she found herself in front of Gerard’s door. She could hear no sounds from the other side and as her courage faltered the woman turned away; seemingly defeated and rebutted from talking with him. Yet as she once again thought of the pain etched into his features Lily whirled around and rather fiercely knocked on the door. She heard someone moving from the other side and a few moments it opened,and Lily was looking up at Gerard. He opened his mouth as if to speak but Lily held up her hands.

“Wait, don’t talk just yet. Can… Can I come in?”