I'll Check in Tomorrow if I Don't Wake Up Dead

*Gerard's POV

Gerard knew he looked hesitant, as if wavering between shooing her away and rendered speechless by shock. To be honest that's exactly how he felt; the cop had been beside himself the past few weeks as Lily retreated further and further into herself and her room; locking herself away and making it apparent that she had wanted nothing to do with nobody. At first he had been filled with a seething rage to find the man who hurt her, and hurt him to put it lightly. He may not have his gun, but that was by no means a hindrance to the surprisingly strong raven-haired cop. Instead of seeking Alex out though, Gerard reverted into himself as well not knowing whether it would be wise to try to approach Lily these past three weeks.

He had been wrought with grief and worry, and it had dawned on him that somewhere along the line he'd come to care for Lily than more than just an assignment. She was a friend, an equal and something that Gerard had sworn to protect- which he once again failed to do. Lily had been right to point out that he couldn't protect anyone or anything; after all history seemed to point to that. Lily's soft shoulder brushed past his, as she had taken it upon herself to storm into the room where Gerard had been booted to in the past weeks. It was a mess, clothes lay everywhere along with furiously scribbled half-finished drawings "S...Sorry about the mess." He stuttered nervously edging in behind her and closing the door for privacy. "What can I help you with?" Gerard forced his voice to go painstakingly professional and formal as he addressed Lily; not wanting to anger or scare her away.

It didn’t seem to have any effect on her as the slender brunette nervously glanced about as if searching for the words to say. The silence was deafening and no longer being able to stand it Gerard spoke first. “I cannot begin to express to you in words how deeply sorry I am. You’re right, I had commitments to you that should've been honored. Because I lost my temper…. Because I fucked up you were hurt. I wasn’t there to protect you when I clearly should of been. If not me I should've make Frankie go; or even tried to keep you from going.”

The remorse in his voice was obvious, and keeping his eyes fixed onto Lily’s dark green orbs he continued, ranting as if he were a madman trying to explain a conspiracy theory; with all the passion and fire that he could muster in his sorry state. “I cannot fix the past; what’s done and done but I will spend every waking second making it up to you Lily Rozenshiem.” He intoned, his voice soft, while radiating an intense tone that it normally lacked. She seemed to be on the verge of tears and mentally he cursed himself for fucking up- again. “I just… Tell me what I can do to make this right. Please.” Hazel clashed on green as the girl apparently was mulling over what he just said.

He couldn’t read the scarce emotions on her face and feeling worried he resisted the urge to hug her; she probably wouldn’t take kindly to that. Seconds seemed like hours and the seeming hours were torture to him. He’d rather know if she were going to outright reject him in that dim and trashy room. The room, already small to begin with, now felt enclosed and cramped as he nervously bit his lip, awaiting her response, good or bad. He really couldn’t though describe to her in words the crushing weight of guilt and self-loathing he’d gone through for nearly a month now. It wouldn’t be fair for him to even try for surely she had suffered more than him; and that’s one of the main reasons he hadn’t tried to approach her.

“You left me when I needed you.” Her voice was quiet, and quavering with uncertainty and raw emotions that equated to pain and disbelief. “You promised, that you’d be there, that you’d protect me no matter what, you said that!” Her voice raised a little at the end and Gerard physically flinched away from her, grief shadowing his movements. He was convinced he’d already lost her; and who would blame her? He had royally fucked up and everyone knew it. Stephen berated him and the two had been butting heads; while Kara gave him these disappointed stares and Frankie was oddly quiet.

“I really thought that I could depend on you the most out of everyone here. I know we didn’t get along very well in the beginning but I thought we were moving past that.” A deep hurt was clearly reflected in her voice as she continued on, barely above a whisper. “I wanted everything to be ok with, I wanted to be closer to you, to understand you. I was drawn by you, and how could I not? Some mysterious broody protector?” She gave a dry laugh that lacked any humor. “And then that night I thought showed me the reality. You weren’t here because you wanted to be. You’re here because Lyle made you come. He forced you to babysit me and my family.” Her words hurt him; but mostly because he couldn’t contradict her.

“I wanted to be angry at you. To make you feel the same hurt and pain that I felt for the past three weeks. And I was going to until we got back; but then I saw you. I saw that you cared, that this was eating you up as much as it was eating me up and it’s beginning to consume me! I can’t… I can’t sleep at night! It’s hard for me to just come out of my room and you wanna know what I realized?!” Her voice had raised a few notches as she stared him dead in the eyes; and it took his breath away. “I realized that it was so hard because I didn’t have you! I feel safe with you for some fucking reason that’s beyond me! I know that you’ll protect me given the chance and maybe this is just me deluding myself but for fucks sake Gerard I can’t do this anymore!”

A subtle flush had broken across her ivory cheeks and the cop felt as if the air were being sucked from his lungs. What was she talking about? What was she done with him? With the lies they’d been telling her family? Or was this friendship or something more. “I can’t sleep at night because the bed feels too empty and cold and that’s not what I need. I need… I need you.” At this her voice broke, a shameful strangled noise and the bewildered cop stared at her with a dazed expression. Brokenly Lily looked up at him and continued in a soft piteous voice “I know it’s pathetic. I know that I should be stronger than this, but I’m not. I’ve had such terrible thoughts these past three weeks and I just… I just need you. You try to make everything ok and I need that. So please, come back to our room, stop hiding here. Come back ok?”

At this she had crossed the floor a bit so she was standing in front of him, her delicate, tiny, white hand stretched across his bicep and the cop stared blankly down at her; unable to comprehend such luck. “I’ve missed you.” She finished softly, pleadingly, trying to arouse any sort of comment out of him but Gerard found the words stuck in his throat. Words failing him and Lily staring up at him with pathetically wide green eyes, Gerard pulled her into a tight embrace,clumsily stroking her hair with his haste to assure her he was there for her. “I wasn’t there for you. But it won’t happen again I swear it.” His voice was fervent with promise and a fierce surge of protectiveness as Lily cried quietly into his chest. While he hated to see her cry; the cop was glad he could at least be there to comfort her in a time of need, something she wouldn’t of let him do mere hours ago. She didn’t say anything, just stayed there in Gerard’s desperate grasp; he hadn’t realized how much this girl actually meant to him until she’d withdrawn from his life.

He supposed it was inevitable, her leaving his life completely when this was over. It wasn’t an overall good memory for her, and even though they had some fun Lily was bound to want to forget what happened here. A light hint of sandalwood and something floral drifted up towards him as he held the girl and it was then she realized her crying had stopped and she had stilled beneath the languid stroking of her hair. “Lily?” He murmured unsure if she was ok; and was immensely relieved when she tilted her head back fixing him with a shaky smile.

“I’m alright.” It was a broken statement and Gerard didn’t believe, yet didn’t contradict her. Pulling away and letting her go, not wanting to make things too awkward Gerard flashed her a hollow smile through the dimly lit room that he wasn’t sure ever reached her.

“Yeah, you’re ok.” He assured his eyes never leaving her tear-stained face.

“We… Everything good between us?”

“Of course.” It brought such a weight off his chest the raven haired cop sighed as his body sagged with a welcome relief. Lily nodded and ran a hand through her hair, messing it up slightly but in no means obscuring her beauty.

“I’m going to shower. Then start talking with my mom and brother. They probably think I’ve gone mute.” She joked, attempting a brave face as she hurriedly wiped at her face. On impulse Gerard brought his own palm slowly and gently to her cheek, rubbing at the tear marks there with a small smile.

“I think they’d love that.” Her eyes widened as his hand brushed against her cheek, but she relaxed quickly under his touch. Without saying much she just nodded, and hurriedly backed out of the room, closing the door behind her and leaving Gerard to his own thoughts. He had failed someone again, just like he had with Karen. What right did he have to just stroll back into Lily’s life? Part of him was reserved at the promise that he’d be there for her; but he couldn’t help it. She may of been onto something when she said she was drawn to him.

She was so unlike Karen, but for some reason Gerard found himself desiring her company as much as he desired his deceased fiance. There was something about Lily he found amusing, and it felt like he was able to be a human around her again. The cop knew that Lily didn’t put up with any of his bullshit and while they may of butted heads in the beginning, he really didn’t mind anymore. It was easy to slip into this lie they’d be telling and the man stared at the empty space that Lily had taken only moments before.

He pinpoint exactly when, but at some point he’d developed feelings for her. Whether they were platonic or romantic, he wasn’t too sure but he was beginning to think that they were romantic. That scared him beyond all belief after all the last person he had loved was Karen; and she met her death because of him. The man rubbed his face and sighed, a deep weary sound as he pondered on on his current predicament. He’d sworn he’d never love anyone again and maybe that was naive on his part; but the thought that he could grow to possibly love Lily was something unknown and terrifying for him.

The simple answer was to just not think of her as anything more than a job, an assignment but that was too late. In the least of his affections for Lily he’d always thought of her as something more, like an equal or friend. Making a frustrated noise in the back of his throat Gerard stalked to his makeshift bed, he was glad he could go back to his and Lily’s room, and flopped down throwing an arm over his face. It wasn’t just that he felt bad about what had happened with the woman, it was that and everything else. Everything else being that as soon as he heard what happened, the reaction to go and find that bastard and bash his skull in, and the revelation of his feelings for her had all been a little much for him to cope and cope well with.

He was stuck in his musings when the door swung open and removing the arm covering his eyes glanced up to find Frank. The smaller cop was leaning against the door-frame surveying Gerard. It was almost unnerving, the intensity in Frank’s eyes as he watched Gerard. The usually expressive man was somber and finally unable to take the silence Gerard spoke up first. “Hey, what’s up?”

“That’s the happiest I’ve heard you sound in nearly a month. What’s happened?”

“Lily and I made up… I think.” Gerard offered rather simply with a small smile.

“I swear to god Gerard if you hurt her again you’ll be answering to me.” The annoyance and agitation in Frank’s voice stunned the raven haired cop and narrowing his intoxicating hazel eyes he sat up to get a better view of him. While Frankie was trying to conceal it, he was on edge, nervous and jittery; his tapping of his fingers against his thigh betraying this information to Gerard.

“I’m not going to.” Gerard sounded sullen as he got to his feet and narrowed his eyes at the shorter man. “You seem upset.”

“I’m just worried you’ve forgotten- once we go back to normal life Gerard it won’t be like this. They’ll never talk to you again and Lily will move on. Just like you and I will do. We’re not their friends, we’re to protect them and that’s it. Lyle would be pissed if you started anything with her.” His words were a slap in the face and the man instantly jumped on the defensive.

“Fuck off Frank. Just because they’re friends doesn’t mean that I can’t do my fucking job.”

“You already haven’t done your fucking job!” Frank shouted, then paled remembering there could be listening ears around. “You hurt her. You… You lied! You were supposed to be there and you know what if you hadn't’ been such a jerkoff maybe you would of protected her.” He was nonplussed by Frankie’s anger and resentment; wondering where it was coming from.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Gerard fired back, his orbs flashing dangerously. It wasn’t like the easy-going man to get into his face and scold him.

“You haven’t been with her this past month- I have. You haven’t seen what this has done, I have. It’s not fair for either of us to storm into their lives and leave when this is all over; with no intention of seeing when any of them when this is done.” His tone had gone flat with the obvious struggle for control and Gerard paused.

He had planned on seeing Lily after this, maybe… Maybe from there this could grow into something more. A ghost of a smile flickered across his lips at the thought of the two spending time together when they weren’t in a life-threatening situation or black holes of lies. “I’m going to leave that up to Lily. I’d like to see her; I know you’ve grown attached to her too Frankie. I’m sure you’d like to see her to.” A frustrated noise arose from the back of Frank’s throat that was rather close to a growl.

“You still don’t fucking get it do you? Do you think that you bring up good memories for her? Do you think constantly hanging around her will help her to forget what’s happened? With you around do you think she can move on? Do you think she’ll want to hang around you once she gets back. Lily has a life you know Gerard; and I hate to break it to you but she loves another man in case you’ve forgotten.” The taller cop stilled as the color drained out of his face. He had thought about this, and glancing away shrugged quietly.

“I’m not going to lie to you Frankie. She means too much to me to just leave after this.If she never wants to see my face again fine- that’ll be her choice. But I want to make the effort. I don’t know where this will take me, fuck there’s a reason I haven’t been in a relationship since Karen; but I want to find out.” His eyes were wide and honest and he hoped this would be enough to placate his fiery friend.

“If she doesn’t want to see you again you need to back off.” Frank finally consented with a small frown. Gerard nodded accepting Frank’s demand; it was fair and it left the choice entirely up to Lily about what she wanted from him. “Now come on. Kara’s making a pot-roast and wants your help. She’s enthralled you two have made up.” There was a small, amicable gleam in Frank’s eyes as Gerard nodded running a hand through his unkempt hair.

“Alright, I suppose I’ll go work my kitchen magic. Don’t want to work my mother-in-law too hard.” Gee grinned, shooting his friend an impish smile as the two exited the room. “I’m moving out by the way.” Frank gasped, in a mockingly dramatic tone and wiped an imaginary tear from his cheek.

“Look at you growing up so fast. Moving across the hall; nice to sleep in a bed again eh?” Gerard laughed and playfully nudged Frank with an ecstatic nod of his own.

“I don’t think my back could take anymore hardwood floor sleeping. I’m not as young as I used to be.” The two men, still chattering made their way into the kitchen to help prepare supper. Gerard didn’t miss the way that Stephen stared at him with a note of reserve and the bright cheerful way that Karen greeted him; finally it felt like all would be ok again. As ok as it ever was these days anyway.