I'll Check in Tomorrow if I Don't Wake Up Dead

Gerard's POV (Flashback)

"Shit." Gerard cursed under his breath looking around, breath fogging around him as the chilling rain poured down around his head. The cars zipped by, blissfully unaware of his current state. He'd managed to lose his keys, lock himself out of his car and had gotten dumped; what a way to end the night Gerard thought bitterly to himself with a small growl.

"Fuck it." He muttered and turned his back on the car heading towards the nearest bus stop that would get him home. People rushed, staggered, and walked by occasionally bumping into him and Gerard was too annoyed to care. It wasn't as if he thought that Sarah would of been his last love, but it was still disheartening to find she'd been cheating on him with her ex.

Disheartening but not surprising the raven haired man mused, shivering a little in the rain as he stood slightly slumped over waiting for the rumbling of the bus. He spent the next half an hour waiting in the blackened, rainy night of New Jersey for the bus and when it finally pulled up he all but stomped up the steps and threw a chilling glare towards the driver; who didn't even look at him.

Grumbling under his breath and dropping the fair into the machine he slunk towards the first open seat and turned his face towards the window lost in his own thoughts. It'd be at least another half and hour until he got home, at least then he could just collapse and sleep for the weekend. Two stops later, he was jolted out of his thoughts by a sweet and smooth voice and glancing up he noticed a woman standing and pointing the seat next to him.

"Is this seat open?" All thoughts of Sarah vanished and a small blush creeped onto his face. She was beautiful, dressed in a form fitting black dress with skin the color of a vanilla latte. Her hair was curled and her blue eyes peered into his blue ones. Gerard was quite sure that he looked like a drowned rat and nodded nervously.

"Ah, yeah absolutely." She smiled and nodded running a hand through her wet curls before sitting down. Turning his face back towards the window Gerard fought with the urge to talk to her, and the thought that he'd be bothering her. He was pleasantly surprised when she began talking.

"You know, I've had the worst night. I work in real estate and the people didn't show up for an open house I scheduled for them. So I spend three hours waiting in the rain and finally I decided fuck it. Got rained on and ruined my hair." He glanced over towards her, quiet and attentive. He could feel the heat of her gaze linger on his eyes.

"You don't' look so good. Not in a bad way though! I mean like something happened. I'm Karen, I probably sounded like a rambling idiot just now." Light color tinted her cheeks and Gerard smiled slowly.

"I didn't think so. I'm Gerard and you're quite perceptive. I managed to lose my keys, locking myself out my car and my girlfriend of four months was cheating on me with her ex for about three months." Gerard explained, the heaviness returning to his voice. The woman, Karen, made a sympathetic noise and shook her head.

"Stupid woman, you seem like a catch Gerard." She winked playfully at him and now it was Gerard's turn to blush and he glanced down a smile adorning his features as he let out a nervous chuckle.

"Well as do you." She nodded slowly and sighed glancing out at the pouring rain.

"You can always find out by taking me for coffee." The suggestion was spoken lightly, maybe even in a joking manner and Gerard stared dumbfounded at her. She became obviously flustered.

"Sorry! It's just I'm kind of straightforward! I also lack any semblance to a filter! Oh god I'm that creepy girl on the bus aren't I?" She put her face in her hands and peeked over at him with a small frown as Gerard broke out into genuine laughter.

"No, no it's fine. I uh, yeah I'd like to take you out for coffee sometime." She glanced up as if she couldn't believe he'd agreed and frankly neither could Gerard. She just seemed so vibrant, and who would it hurt to go on a date? She didn't really strike him as the serial killer type.

"Aren't you worried I'm some sort of serial who picks women up on the bus and murders them after coffee?" There was a teasing note in his voice and Karen laughed, tossing her head back.

"Well I guess I'd have to take my chances, because you could also be an amazing guy. Which I would investigate further but this next stop is my next stop." Gerard glanced up and nodded, his stop was still about four stops away.

"Well would you like my number so you can text me? Or should we leave it up to luck to meet again?" She paused and tilted her head as if considering.

"Hmmmm. I'm a woman who likes to get shit done, fuck waiting for some divine force. Here, give me your hand." Gerard nodded and held his hand

out, surprised by how warm she was, but looking back it was fitting. She pulled a pen out of her purse and scribbled down her number on his arm.

"Don't lose it! If you don't call me I'll... I don't know. But I'll do something!" She exclaimed wagging her finger at him as she hit the button signaling for the driver to stop. Throwing the young man a last hesitant smile the beautiful woman disappeared into the night and Gerard watched until the city swallowed her up from his view.

It had been three agonizing days, as Gerard tried to figure out what to do and if he should even call the woman. What if she had made the offer out of pity of how he'd just been dumped. Pacing about his apartment his eyes lingered on the dark and gruesome artwork that hung on his walls, as if that would offer him his answer on whether or not he should call Karen.

Work had been slow lately and being the newest cop in the station he didn't see too much action. He was mostly filing paper work and working with his partner to interview perps. This left him plenty of free time and taking a deep breath he reached for his cell-phone and the piece of paper he'd jotted Karen's number on down.

The phone rang four times and nearly went to voice mail which relieved and simultaneously disappointed Gerard, though just as he was sure he was out of the woods Karen's voice soon filled his head.

"Hello?" His heart stuttered a few times and trying to control his voice.

"Karen? It's Gerard, from the other night on the bus." He winced convinced that sounded terrible, though a sigh of relief greeted his nervous system.

"Gerard! I didn't think you were gonna call! It's great to hear from you!" The conversation then picked up from there, and the two decided to get together the next day for some coffee for him and tea for her.

When they met for coffee, he found they had many things in common, music, art, style, and common beliefs. She was impressed that he was a cop and called him "one of the good ones." Gerard had been impressed by her wit, charm and her incline to being spontaneous. After their first date the two met frequently and it was a few months later she moved into his loft styled apartment.

Her parents adored him, and Gerard's parents adored Karen; their friends were pleased that the two seemed like such a good fit. With her, Gerard's addictive habits, which had always given him trouble, were defeated and when he realized he'd spent two years of his life with her, it made sense to get married.

Gerard had saved up for a few months to put money down on a modest ring, something he could afford without sapping his bank account he'd opened for this purpose specifically. Then he'd taken her on a weekend trip, to the butterfly museum as Karen had been talking about it for awhile now.

So they drove all the way up to Massachusetts and rented a small room at a bed and breakfast before setting out early Saturday morning to the butterfly museum, nervously fingering the box that was in his jacket pocket. There was the possibility that she'd say no of course, and Gerard was sure that Karen knew something was up as the raven haired cop was jittery- very jittery.

"Gerard? What's wrong baby?" He glanced up and stammered that nothing was wrong. Giving him a dubious look Karen didn't press it further but he could tell he'd unsettled her. It wasn't until they had reached the room where the live butterflies could land on you, that Gerard decided that this was it.

"Karen." She looked up from the blue butterfly that had landed on her shoulder, while a few more landing on her body.

"Gonna tell me what's wrong?" She teased though her eyes widened as her eyes followed Gerard to the floor, kneeling on one knee.

"Karen, when I met you I never, ever thought you'd mean so much to me. You've helped me realize that maybe this world isn't as ugly as I once thought it was. With you I believe that I can see the beauty in the world once more, that you bring light, love, and laughter into my life where I once had none. I can be me around you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you- If you'd allow it." Her eyes widened and he could see her lip quiver before she nodded.

"Yes, of course." The butterflies danced and soared above their head and Karen pulled Gerard to his feet wrapping her arms around him and Gerard held her close, close enough to feel the pounding of her heart which slammed in time to his. A few people clapping reached his ears and he chuckled into her shoulder, before Karen let go reluctantly. After calling their parents the couple spent the rest of the weekend closer than ever and

Sunday night drove back to New Jersey. They spent months planning and decided to get married as soon as they could. Neither wanted a big fancy wedding anyway. Only a few close loved ones and nothing fancy; so there wouldn't be too, too long to wait.

The worst day of Gerard's life came only a few days before the rehearsal dinner on a snowy evening near their apartment. They were running late because Gerard was close to busting a huge case, and had stayed late to work on it. When he arrived home Karen was exasperated though quickly forgave him and ushered him along so with a few grumbles he changed into a suit and the two hurried downstairs. Pausing outside on the way to the car Karen suddenly groaned, causing him to turn his head to examine her.

"What's wrong Karen?" She sighed and frowned up at him through the snow.

"I forgot my purse. I've got to go back." Nodding the raven haired man smiled at her and gave his fiancee a gentle nudge.

"Go ahead, I'll go heat the car up; make sure your parents don't need a ride. They live in the same building I don't know why Viktor just won't let me drive them." Karen leaned up on her tip-toes to press a soft kiss on the corner of Gerard's lips.

"It's a dad thing. I love you." Wrapping his arms around her and holding the woman close to his chest Gerard rested his chin on the top of her head.

"I love you too Sugar. Go ahead I'll be in the car." Nodding she scurried off and quickly darted back into the building. Waiting a moment longer Gerard trudged to the small parking lot and to his beat up red Hyundai. Unlocking it and sliding behind the wheel the cop jabbed the key into the ignition and shivered while the car heated up. It took about ten minutes for the car to heat up, which was normal, though Karen still wasn't back.

"C'mon Karen." Gerard murmured under his breath and frowned, peering out of the windows trying to see if she was on her way. About two more minutes passed when suddenly the night was ripped apart with the screams of an oncoming ambulance and police siren. Raising an eyebrow Gerard turned the car off and walked back towards the apartment buildings.

The lobby wasn't crowded though once he hit the first floor, people's heads were sticking out their doors, eyes wide with a look Gerard identified with fear. Something had happened and the way that several people looked and pointed to him, in hushed whispers had Gerard's stomach dropping.

He tried to himself he was imagining it but as the staircase that led up to his floor was crowded with people Gerard sped up his pace, pushing past people until he reached his hallway. There were people crowded about his open, freshly painted yellow door though as if he were a deity, the people parted for him.

Heart hammering against his rib-cage Gerard could feel his hands go clammy and sweaty as he stepped into his apartment where Viktor was already, sobbing openly. In his arms lay the stilling form of Karen, blood dripping down from an unseen wound and the sound of her gurgling, wet, breaths could be heard from where he was standing. Feeling the world spin the cop fought to stay on his feet, and managing to stagger over dropped heavily by Viktor's side. This caused his fiancee's eyes to flutter open, and her hand stained with red cupped his face.

Taking this time to look over her tiny, frail body Gerard saw that there were two gunshots that punctured her stomach and left rib. A nasty, rolling feeling in the pit of his stomach was making it hard to breath and with a gasp tears begun to spill from his eyes.

"I... Sorry." She choked out, her body shaking violently. He shook his head as tears splashed down onto her face. Viktor through his own tears passed her to Gerard's lap and he could feel the blood begin to soak his suit.

"No! No, I should be sorry! I'm... I should of come home sooner! No, no, oh God no, please." He moaned lowly and held her gently afraid she would shatter apart in his arms, rocking back and forth with her. The reality of the situation hit him and Gerard knew that he'd lose his wife within a matter of minutes. He could hear people behind him stifling their cries, but he didn't care.

"Sh... Should of rem-re-m" Her teeth were chattering too hard to speak coherently, and the terrible wetness marred her normally beautiful voice. Gerard couldn't breathe. He had to get fresh air, his heart felt like it was breaking as her blood slicked his hands as Gerard tried to stop the bleeding.

"No, no no no." He choked out "You're not to blame. It's going to be ok, we're going to get married in two months, remember? So you got to stay with me. You have to live to at least a hundred before making me a widow." There was a desperate plea in his voice, as if Gerard's words could heal the fatal wounds. "People get shot in the head and live, you'll be ok. Karen keep your eyes open, please!" She just smiled, and weakly grasped the hand that was trying to futilely stop the bleeding.

"No, I'm dying. I know that, I just need you to make a promise." This time the sobs that had been held so tightly next to his heart and confined to his chest broke free. Her voice while it still held that horrible gurgling and wetness was steady as tears rolled out of her beautiful eyes.

"Anything." Gerard swore, as he bent down and touched his forehead to hers, body trembling as wrenching sobs left his mouth in strange whimpering noises.

"Promise... You'll be ok. You'll keep going and find someone else to love. Don't shut down." His eyes met her tear-stained blue ones as he shook his

head. Gerard had decided when he saw the scene of his to-be wife laying bloody on their floor that he'd never love again. Fuck, to be honest he'd made that decision long, long ago when they'd been dating. Instead, he knew that these words, his promise even if empty, would carry her onto the next life with a semblance of peace.

"Of course, I'd do anything for you Karen." She smiled and nodded, before her whole body shuddered and her trembling increased. They were

nearing the end and they both knew it. Heavy footsteps dully registered with Gerard as a man in a white uniform tapped his shoulder, trying to get

his wife's near corpse from his arms.

"No, I'm not leaving her." He hissed, holding onto Karen as tightly as he dared. Dully he was aware of Viktor speaking in low hushed tones and the

man stood, as if he were waiting, waiting for her death.

"I love you so much Gerard." Tears now rolled down her beautiful face as her body jerked once, then stilled. Panic rushed over Gerard as he could no

longer feel her body shudder with breaths. He shook her gently as if to try to wake her from a slumber he knew she'd never awaken from.

"Come on Karen, you got to open your eyes. The paramedics are here now. They're going to help you." Gerard's voice sounded small and broken, like

a child who'd lost something they cherished. "Karen, please wake up Sugar. They're going to fix you, /please/" It was then a paramedic swooped

down and deftly picked up Gerard's dead fiancee, and Viktor's strong arm was then guiding him out of the apartment to his apartment.

"Come on Gerard, there isn't anything else we can do for her now." The choked voice of Karen's father was a slap in the face, if he'd given up there

was no hope was there? Not able to find words, Gerard slumped out of his grip to the floor, crouching with his arms wrapped around his head as if

fending off any stares. Silent sobs wracked his body and he could feel Viktor slump besides him, still trying to comfort the raven haired cop. The

murmuring of people who had come to watch the scene was still buzzing in Gerard's ears and suddenly everything felt like it was too constricting,

he felt trapped.

Viktor managed to drag Gerard to his apartment before the cop collapsed in a panic attack that lasted close to an hour. Something whispered to him

in the back of his mind that he had to pull himself together because while he may of lost his wife, Viktor and Janis had lost their daughter. They

took turns being the "strong" one over the course of the night, holding each other and trying not to cry. The next morning came with the shock of

going to a funeral parlor and making arrangements and over the course of the next few days, picking out what to bury her with.

Her gravestone wasn't overly fancy, it had a few flowers inscribed on it with all of the normal information and a quote she used to enjoy. It read

"Home is wherever the heart rests." If this were the case, Gerard thought to himself as she was being lowered into the cold ground, then he may as

well get into the casket with her and call it home.

The next months were admittedly lost in Gerard's memory, all he knew was that his wife had been shot. By who and why was still unbeknownst to

him; and he was too exhausted to track them down. It seemed the only thing he had any energy for was drinking or sleeping. Between sleeping at

his mother's house and all the bottles of vodka he'd consumed, the only thing that Gerard remembered was the hollowness in his chest, or the grief

that clogged all his senses. His days were spent at the bottom of an empty vodka or whiskey bottle, and frankly it was a miracle that he didn't die

from alcohol poisoning. He refused to talk to anyone, just locked himself up in his old room and barely came out to eat.

The precinct was understanding and told him to come back when he was ready, but Gerard wasn't sure he ever would. The moment that Gerard

realized that he may need help came when his mother found him passed out in his own vomit, body jerking, one hand clutching a bottle of pills and

the other a nearly empty bottle of Jack. The only thing he remembered was waking up in a white room and thinking he'd finally died, to his shock he

was informed he'd had his stomach pumped and he'd be OK though the doctors suggested him going into rehab.

At first Gerard was vehemently opposed to going "he was fine he just got a little depressed", "he was coping" were the excuses he spat at everyone;

offended they thought he needed help. It was Mikey though who changed his mind, Mikey and Frankie really. The two had double teamed him one

nigh before he was discharged to make sure he really was ok, with tears in their eyes.

"Gerard, how are you feeling?" The shaky tone in which Mikey addressed him had lowered the defensive comeback he had prepared to spit at them.

"Like shit. How's mum holding up?" Mikey looked down at his hands like he'd rather not answer.

"She's not doing too good. I mean she's alright now that you're not dying or anything." That felt like a physical blow to Gerard, and in all fairness he

deserved it. He deserved much worse but unable to cope with those thoughts he turned his head to find Frankie in a chair towards the corner of his

room.

"Hey." He glanced up and smiled, even Gerard in his half-asleep state could tell how forced it truly was.

"Good to know you're not dead. Gave us all a good scare there." Gerard looked away in shame. He didn't know why he'd thought that taking that

many pills and JD was a good idea.

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not!" Mikey's voice angry and scared startled the elder way and his hazel eyes turned onto his brother.

"Mikey listen-"

"No! You listen Gerard! You think it wasn't hard on all of us when Karen died? Do you know how much we all cried and grieved? But that's just the

thing you didn't grieve! Not in a normal way, you just stopped your life, locked yourself up and drank. You drink all day long and then you take a

bunch of pills?! What the fuck do you think Karen would say to you if she saw you now? This is how you want to keep her memory alive? Your so fucking pathetic!" Tears big and fat rolled down Mikey's face which had reddened to an angry hue; and his breath hitched up indicating how upset he truly was. Gerard felt hurt, angry and most of all sorry. He was sorry he was putting them all through this and sorry that he wasn't stronger.

"Mikey's right Gee. This isn't fair to us! What you're feeling, we're feeling it too. If you had died do you understand that no one would have any idea how to cope! You're just taking the easy way out, and you can't do that! You're better than that, come on Gee. Everyone at work misses you, the Capt doesn't think you're returning and we're stuck on Karen's case, get help and then come back. I am begging you Gerard, do I have to get down on me knees?" Frank's sides heaved, and his eyes were what got Gerard. They were normally so happy, bright and carefree but now they looked lifeless, dull and beyond all shattered.

It really wasn't just Gerard who was suffering, everyone was and the two were right; Gerard was not helping anybody through this time of grieving. There was really only one thing for him to do and not even just for everyone else; but for himself as well. He needed help, he needed to talk to people and he needed to keep on living just like he promised Karen. He needed to live for the both of them and he couldn't do that from a sophistical bed. A few tears rolled gathered behind Gerard's hazel orbs as he nodded wordlessly.

"I'll get help. I need help guys." A relieved sigh came from Mikey and he rushed over, laying his head on his brother's chest listening to his feeble heart beat.

"I'm so glad Gee, thank you." In response Gerard just wrapped his trembling arms around Mikey's shoulder in a tight embrace.

"I'm scared." The cop managed to choke out and he felt Frankie's hand on his.

"We'll all be right here, you're doing the right thing Gerard." He nodded as his lips quivered with suppressed tears. How had he let himself get to this point? When was the last time he'd visited Karen's grave?

"I want to visit Karen before I go." A new voice spoke up which surprised him.

"Oh baby of course you can. I'll bring you first thing tomorrow. I already dumped all your booze out." He glanced up to watch his mother speak. How long she'd been standing there he didn't know, Gerard was just glad she was here.

"Thank you mom." She just smiled tightly before joining Frankie and Mikey to soothe back Gerard's thick raven black hair.

"I've missed you baby boy. I was so scared when I found you there I didn't think you were breathing." The hands that combed Gerard's hair back were shaking and guilt stabbed the cop.

"I know I'm so sorry, I wont do it again. I'm going to go for help Mom, really. I'm going to get better."

"I know you will, and everyone will be with you, cheering you on. I love you Gerard, everyone does." He smiled, though it was more for show. He heard that rehab was terrible, it would be so much easier to just stay at the bottom of a vodka bottle for the foreseeable future, but he couldn't do that to everyone. The next morning his things were packed, he was discharged and Donna drove him home. Once Gerard had awoken and showered he stared at himself in the mirror for close to ten minutes.

His hair was long, longer than he'd let grow before and his face was haggard. Too pale and too stretched over his bones hallowing his face and a bit of stubble grew over his chin. He'd need a hair cut though he supposed he could get one in rehab, and taking out a razor quickly took care of his face. His mother was dressed in a black dress and Gerard had dressed in a black suit as well. In silence they drove to Karen's grave and stopped only to buy her flowers, hydrangea's her favorite. The scent of the fragrant flower filled the car, almost covering up the dead silence that had stretched between mother and son.

Once at the graveyard Gerard took a few moments to collect himself, sitting in the car feeling his heart slam against his chest.

"Are you ready Gerard?" Donna asked softly after a moment and he nodded, easing himself out of the car gripping the flowers as if they were his lifeline. Slowly the walked further and further into the large, sprawling graveyard to Karen's grave. Sinking down to the rain soaked ground Gerard ignored the fact that his suit was getting wet, instead just rested his forehead against the shiny black gravestone.

"I miss you so, so much." The man choked out around the closing of his throat. "I wish that everyday it was me instead. I should of been home in time, or gone back to get it for you. I was a fool and because I wasn't able to protect you like I promised you're dead. I don't know where you are, if there's a heaven but I'm really hoping there is because maybe then I'd feel like you would be able to watch over me." He paused and stared down at the ground and remembering the flowers clutched in his hand laid them down. "I brought you your favorite, blue ones cause they match your eyes. I know that I've been a mess lately but I'm going to get better. I'm going to keep our promise Karen; I'll live for the both of us." He swore his voice hoarse and low.

He didn't care that his mother was watching with tears in her eyes, or even that he could feel a light rain seep down and began to wet his clothes. Some part of him felt lighter and he smiled through his tears at the flower covered grave. How fitting that it would be raining when he came to talk to her.

"I will never, ever forget you I promise. I can't help it if I feel like they killed a piece of me as well. It's a slap in the face every morning when I wake up and feel that the sheets have gone cold, that you're not there. You won't wake me up with a cup of coffee and you won't be there to help me resist my drinking urges. I have to do it on my own now and it's really hard. I can't listen to any of our songs, I don't know what to do with your wedding rings or your dress. Those are back in the apartment but I haven't been there since... Since you were shot. Basically I guess I'm saying I just don't know what to do anymore. I nearly killed myself, stupid huh? You'd of been so angry... But now I'm going to get help. I'm going to rehab and I won't see you again for awhile so.." His voice dropped, and tears dripped down his face. It seemed that all Gerard was capable of lately was crying.

"So I want you to know that the next time you see me I'll be a better man. I'll be a sad and beat down man, but better. Better than the mess I am now. I love you so much Karen." With that he stood and turned to his mother who was crying softly. He hadn't meant to make her cry, but he needed to express himself.

"I'm ready to go Ma." She nodded and together they walked back to the car, the car that would drive him to his salvation.

"I'm so proud of you Gerard, never forget that." Were his mother's last words as she dropped him off at the rehab clinic and drove away. Because after rehab Gerard would find his footing, slowly, back to a semblance of a normal life. He wouldn't have a long lasting relationship and became engrossed in his work, but he wouldn't be drunk off his ass every night. He'd learn to cope and to an extent move on.