Surving the Game

It was the month of April. The Russian Roulette nightmare with Justin was two months ago. I joined my sister and her friends on a day filled of music and celebration known as Double Decker. I walked through huge crowds, shoving my hands in my jacket pockets, trying not to claw at my ears. The day was windy but hot. I couldn't take the jacket I had on off though because of a previous meeting I had from Justin a week before. He had been paying me random visits. I hid the bruises, but they were so damn noticeable to me. I was hard for me to swallow even though the finger imprints had faded around my throat. This day was suppose to be happy, but my mind was somewhere else. I was wondering where my youth had gone to. Kelly, one of my sister's friends, had spotted a sixth grade ex-boyfriend of mine. Taylor didn't even notice me, and I was pleased that he hadn't. I was too numb too care to talk to him in simple catching up chit-chat. "Michelle, you should go talk to him!" Her glossy eyes sparkled at me as she shoved me off the side walk where I fell into his shoulder. "Watch it, bitch!" The voice was familiar, but I could tell he had gone through puberty since I last saw him. My body flinched as he threw his hands up as if my instincts told me he was getting ready to hit me. "What are you doing here," he mumbled. I shook my head, but I couldn't find my voice. Taylor's rambunctious friend, Kevin, jumped in the middle of the awkward confrontation. "Oh, man! I can't believe you dated this crazy bitch. Was the pussy worth it?" Taylor cooed with his friend and was shouting, "Yeah man! How else could I have dealt with her for so long?" I looked at Taylor with shock and then back at Kevin with anger. I simply turned on my heel and joined my sister's friends again. Kelly had apparently heard the whole thing and asked, "Why didn't you say anything? You just stood there and let him and his douche bag friend talk to you like that." I shook my head, shyly. " He was just being a dick in front of his friend to look cool. I get it. Plus, it's not like I'm really sane either. I don't want to make a scene here. Come on. Let's keep walking." I let my hair fall in my face and walked with my head down keeping my eyes on my shoes. Jessie, one of the weirder friends May had, was informing the little crowd that she saw someone she knew. I followed. A beautiful stranger caught my eye. His crystal blue eyes shined and his dirty blonde hair blew with the wind. He drew a puff from a cigarette, and turned his head talking to Jessie. Everything was in slow motion, and I felt an uncontrollable tingle down my chest. I turned to May with a big smile and said, "Damn! Who the fuck is that?" May turned to me and gave me a look that stated 'really Michelle'. I looked back down at my feet. Kelly crept up behind me. "Are you still not gonna do anything about what Taylor said because I am if you don't?" Before a word could exit my mouth everyone was following her. That's when I realized I was alone with the Beautiful Stranger. I tried keeping smiles and stares down. "Hi, names Michelle... They're gonna go beat up my ex." I was so damn shy. Why the fuck did I have to be shy? He gave me a smile back with a half-hearted laugh. "Yeah, I can see that.." We turned to see Kelly slap Taylor hard across the face. I felt my whole body blush. "Shit..." I looked at him waiting for a name. After a few seconds I simply asked, "And who might you be?" He seemed shy himself. More shy then I. "People call me Matt." He took a drag off his cigarette. I watched the smoke filter through his nose and turn into swirls through the air. I couldn't stop looking at him. Such a beautiful stranger, and I knew right there I wanted to get to know him. I pictured our body's rubbing together and what his kisses would feel like against my skin. My heart skipped a beat for thinking of such things in public. We walked with our small crowd that added with a new person. That new person was intoxicating me with so many wonders. I couldn't help but think of Justin. There's no way I could talk to him when I have that dramatic bit going on. I was able to get in a few more peeks at him. He was so tall and slender. His muscled arms made me drool like a dog in heat. He had a cute butt too. They reminded me of two muffins coming out of the oven. I caught him stealing a peek at me. I freaked out. I looked away to hide my face, and walked faster to hide myself beside Kelly. The whole ride home, I envisioned his smile and his soft voice. That voice was like music to my ears. It was nice to hear someone calm for once. I thought of his eyes which were filled with mystery that I wanted to discover. HE was becoming my addiction, and I couldn't help but let my mind continue to absorb every thought of him that came to me. At the end of the day I'm still Shattered Michelle.

I rolled out of bed on a morning in May. My room was glowing with the gray/blue early sunrise. Sweat cooled my body when I threw the covers off me. Blood stained underneath my nails from another night terror. I could still feel Justin's hands burning into my skin. I went to my closet and threw a t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans on. I gazed at the crucifix laying on my dresser. I stared at our Lord's face of agony. Pain is pain. A four letter word that sounds so plain, but yet has such a stronger meaning. I grabbed my back pack and threw it over my shoulders. The weight kept me at ease. It kept my feet on the ground, and I was comforted by it. Half the time I felt I would float away. I heard the bus arriving down my street and something in me decided to run from it. I ran behind a tree, and after it left I started walking back to the house. I crashed back into bed. Darkness filled my vision and the noise stopped.

Justin's fingers rubbed my nipples raw. His saliva dripped out of his mouth onto the nape of my neck. Stretching and tearing me inside out. Tears fall from my eyes, but no one wiped them away. Screams pierced the air, but no one ran to help me. My pain was ignored. My cries were not cared for. My fear... My fear... My fear was unbelievable. A thirteen year olds voice was seen and never heard. I woke up with tears falling out of my numb eyes. I was so scared. I was so scared. "Some one hold me," I mumbled through tears. "Pa-p-please!!!!!!!!" An empty house was my response. I walked to the bathroom. I broke one of the razors. With shaky hands I took the blade, and without hesitating pushed on a visible vein. The blade disappeared in my wrist and blood rose. After ten minutes my vision darkened and my head was vibrating. I could faintly hear my mother's disturbed voice. "Michelle! What have you done, baby. Wake up!"