True Love

Seeing you stirred something in my chest. My heart skipped faster and my palms began to sweat. You smiled shyly and I felt my knees slip slightly.

It was the smile you always gave when you hadn’t seen me for days. The smile that told me you wanted me to kiss you. It was the reason I’d avoided you for a year: I was scared of what that smile could do to me. You looked to the floor, to avoid my eyes. You scuffed the dirt and fiddled with your hands, you always did that when you were feeling nervous, or awkward.

I was quick to notice how much better you looked, that chest… I fumbled over my words again; I felt 13, just like when I fell for you the first time. A blush rose to my cheeks but you were too transfixed with the floor to notice. You laughed at a joke and the laughter filled your eyes. Our gazes met for a moment, you were first to look away.

I found myself stubbing out my cigarette; you always hated it. My redundant hands immediately twisted into my hair. I tried to keep up with the conversation, but I was too busy thinking up witty remarks that would impress you.

I thought of the day I first met you, the high-fives, the high-tens and the private jokes. I remember the weeks spent becoming best friends. I thought of the months we spent chasing each other. I thought of our first kiss. I thought of laying on your chest. I thought of falling out of love with you…

I thought of the way you would slip your hand into my pockets. I thought of the way you would pull on my unused belt loops. I thought of how you put up with my eccentric dressing and hair color. I thought of how right it felt in your arms. I thought of how it was always not just boyfriend and girlfriend, but best friends at the same time. I thought of how you took me to my therapy and never complained when I was too depressed to meet up.

I remembered playing hours of Mario Kart on your old school Nintendo. I remembered going to the cinema and kissing you for the large part, to save you from spoiling the movie. I remembered the water fights. I remembered the summers spent holding your hand. I remembered the day you walked around with me, holding my hand and kissing me, despite the fact I was dressed like a hooker for a party.

I pushed the thoughts to the back of my head; scared it would bring tears of regret. Four people looked at me expectantly.

”You’re a retard,” you teased playfully.

“I- I need to pee,” I excused myself, running to the bathrooms to clear my head.

Looking in the mirror, I asked myself if you would ever fall in love with me again, after such a messy split. I regretted with all my heart ever finishing what we had; which was so special.

I came back out and saw your retreating back.

“Matt!” I called. You turned around expectantly, “see you around, yeah?”

A look past through your eyes, not literally of course, but I knew you too well to not pick up on it. You narrowed your eyes slightly, confusion laced into your face. You opened your mouth slightly, before closing it, voiceless. You nodded your head slightly, smiling that special smile. I had more to say, but I couldn’t form the words. My mouth closed silently and you looked at me strangely, shook your head grinning and turned around once again.