My Weakness.

My phone rings and I instantly raise an eyebrow when I see the caller ID. Jennifer? Why would my ex’s best friend call me?

"Hello?" I answer, making my way into my backyard to enjoy the nice sunshine.

"Joel, hey. Are you home by any chance?"

The question takes me off guard and I stammer, “Uh, y-yeah. What’s up?”

"I hope you don’t mind us stopping by."

My heart instantly skips a beat. Us? Did she mean…was she bringing Lydia?

I lick my lips, playing with my lip ring. “Of course not. I’ll be waiting.”

After hanging up, I plop down in a lawn chair as my mind starts racing. It was early in the morning. What was so urgent? More importantly, why was Jennifer bringing her over here?

Something must have happened. I can feel myself growing more anxious by the minute, nervous to find out why they were coming. It’d been three weeks. I don’t know if I can handle seeing her again. She was everything to me, and then she just left. She’d taken my heart and shattered it to pieces. We’d only been together for a month, but there was something special about Lydia that had drawn me to her.

I’m not sure how I’ll react if when I open my door it's actually her standing there.

There’s a knock at the door a few minutes later and I jog inside to answer it. My breath catches in my throat when I see Jennifer’s arm around Lydia’s shoulders. She was leaning against her friend for support, and she wouldn’t look me in the eyes.

"Hi," I mumble.

She raises her head, her eyebrows furrowing slightly. My chest tightens with the feeling of my heart twisting. She looked…tired.

"Hi," I hear her just barely whisper.

Jennifer pulls her inside, sitting her down on my couch before turning to me. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

I nod and we walk into the kitchen, out of earshot. I sigh and scratch the back of my neck. “What’s going on?”

Jennifer frowns. “Joel, she needs you. Badly.”

"What? Why would she need me?"

Every small hair is on edge as her shoulders tense. She bites her lip and looks away, towards the entrance to living room where Lydia was waiting for us to come back. Silence falls over us and I can’t take it anymore. “Jennifer, what happened?”

"She tried to kill herself last night," she finally blurts out. I feel the silence stretch on even longer, almost deafening me. We stood there quietly, neither of us saying anything else.

The information finally sinks in. Everything around me was threatening to cave in. I clench my hands into fists, trying to keep calm.

"Why?" I say at last.

"I-I don’t know. I slept over last night, but I woke up to go to the bathroom and I found her sitting on the floor, crying the worst I’ve ever seen her and she was…" She winces. "Her wrists were bleeding badly."

My stomach pangs, aching. I bite down on my lip, wanting nothing than to go to her and hold her to me and never leave her side.

"There’s a lot of things you don’t know about her yet," Jennifer mumbles in a low voice. "I think you’d understand if you knew the whole story."

Whole story? What was missing? I was only with her for a month, but I’d known her way before that, for at least two years. What did Jennifer know that I didn’t?

"What makes you think I can fix this?" I ask her, my eyebrows furrowing together.

"Because you can," she sighs.

Somehow, I believed her.

"She’ll stay with me," I tell her after a moment. "I-I’ll talk to her."

Jennifer nods.

We make our way back into the living room, and I see Lydia hugging one of the throw pillows on the couch to her chest, the way she always used to. She looked so scared. It physically hurt to see her like this.

"I’ll leave you to it," she whispers, quickly making her way out the door.

"J-Jen!" Lydia squeaks, and it’s the first thing I’ve heard her say since she’s gotten here. She looks panicked, her breathing coming faster. I kneel beside her and take her hand in mine. "Hey. It’s okay. I’m here."

"I’m sorry she brought me here, Joel," she says, her eyes brimming with tears. "I didn’t mean to bother you. You probably can’t even stand to look at me. I hurt you and-"

"Calm down," I urge her. "I’m fine. I just want to make sure you’re okay."

Her chin quivers. My arms instantly wrap around her, pulling her into me and gasping slightly at how cold she was.

My hand rubs up and down her back in attempt to offer her some comfort, as well as warmth. It felt like my heart was being squeezed by some invisible hand.

I press my lips to her temple. “Breathe. I’m right here.”

A soft sob escapes her and she clings to my shirt, balling it up in her hands. “I’m just tired of everything. I’m sick of it all.”

I wince, holding her tighter. “Don’t say that.” I bite my lip. “Are you hungry? Do you want some coffee or something?”

She pulls away slowly, her eyes red-rimmed and glistening. A tiny smile forms on her lips. “Coffee would be nice. But you don’t have to-“

"I already have some water on the stove," I cut in. "I’ll just add some more." She nods and I wipe her wet cheeks. "Okay," she whispers.

Helping her to her feet, I guide her into the kitchen, even though she was already familiar with it. She’d slept over countless times and I almost never wanted her to leave.

After setting two mugs down at the table and adding a few spoons of coffee ground, I fill hers with water and mix it before pouring some into my own.

Lydia tugs at her sleeves, making me realize that she was wearing long sleeves, which she never had done.

Her fingers slowly wrap around the mug. “Careful,” I tell her, “It’s hot.”

She nods and takes a small sip, sighing.

I patiently wait for her to speak, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. Despite all the questions I had, I hoped for her to open up to me.

"I never meant to hurt you," she starts off, looking into the mug. "I wish there was an easy way to explain why I decided to break up."

Easy for who? I can’t help but wonder.

"You know you were my first real boyfriend," she says with a small sad laugh. "Everything always happened with the others."

I feel my eyes widen. I hadn’t even known there had been others. She’d never talked to me about them. She’d never talked to me about herself, either, now that I thought about it.

"Talk to me, Lydia," I say softly, resting a hand over hers, but she pulls away. I wince slightly and sigh.

"I shouldn’t have come," she says simply.

"Jennifer brought you-"

"No," she whispers, shaking her head. "I mean I never should have come to Arizona. I would’ve saved you so much trouble and heartbreak."

"Lydia-"

"I should have stayed back home. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t ran away."

I could feel my head start to whirl. I really hadn’t known anything about her.

"You…you ran away from home?" I ask, a knot forming in my throat.

"Remember two years ago? When we first met? I had just moved into town from California? That was a lie."

I lean back in my chair, trying to make sense of everything. Although I knew it shouldn’t, the fact that she lied hurt me. What else had she lied about? How much of what I did know about her was true?

"I’m actually from Chicago," she admits quietly, tugging at her sleeves again. "I found my way to California so I could move in with a cousin. It was either that or the Teens’ Homeless Shelter. I got a job and when I finally had enough to get my own place, I found a cheap apartment here in Arizona." She pauses. "I just had to get away. I didn’t mean to lie to you. I didn’t want to."

I run a hand through my hair, taking a deep breath. “Why didn’t you stay in California? I mean, that’s where you meant to go. How come you couldn’t stay with your cousin?”

She meets my eyes, her face nostalgic. “Because of Steven.”

Steven?

"There were too many memories," she whispers. "I couldn’t deal with them anymore."

"W-was he your first boyfriend?" I stammer, my eyes stinging against my will. I should’ve known there had been others and that it shouldn’t surprise me so much. But it did.

Her lips press together as she nods, cupping her mug carefully. “He was…he was the reason I stayed as long as I did. He knew why I ran away, and he understood. He made me feel better about myself and not feel so guilty about leaving everything behind. He meant everything to me.”

"What happened to him?"

It’s a question I shouldn’t have asked.

Her hand wrapped tighter around the mug, determined as she hisses and starts to cry. I realize all too late what she was doing. The coffee was still hot.

I jump out of my chair, trying to tear it away before got a bad burn. She wouldn’t let go. Damn it.

"Lydia!" I shout at her. "Let go!"

She gasps when I’m finally able to pull her hand away. The chair scrapes against the floor as I pull her up and toward the sink. Her palms and fingers were an awful pink.

I get ice from the fridge and place it in her hands. She flinches. “J-Joel-“

"Why would you do that?!" I snap, furious. "Are you insane?!"

Her expression changes instantly, her eyes filling with tears. My jaw clenches. I hated getting angry at her, but why would she do something so stupid?

But just as quickly as she starts to sniffle, her face grows angry and tries to pull away from me. I grip her wrists more tightly. She sobs and struggles to break free of my hold.

"You don’t get it!" she cries. "You don’t! Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up screaming in the middle of the night and have no one laying next to you? Do you know what it’s like to be in the dark all alone?" Her tone gets more desperate, but I don’t let go, as much as she tries to push me away. I could feel my heart breaking.

She pounds at my chest when her knees give out from under her. I’m the only thing holding her up. She sounds defeated and weak as she continues, her bottom lip trembling. “Do you know what it’s like to have the same nightmare over and over and have no one be there to say it was going to be alright?”

I wrap my arms protectively around her as she sobs into my chest. She was shaking.

"He died in a car accident," she says at last, her voice barely a whisper.

My heart sinks to my stomach. It was worse than I thought.

"Lydia," I breathe, feeling helpless. I didn’t know what to say.

She takes a deep breath and tries to stand on her own. “Every other guy after that just fucked me up even more. I lost my virginity to the one after him, I just wish I hadn’t lost it the way I had. Drunk and desperate. I turned into the person I never wanted to be. I promised myself I’d never be the girl to let guys use her and take advantage of her.” She hugs herself, looking away. “But I still have bruises to prove otherwise.”

I feel a shiver snake up my spine. It just didn’t seem real. Lydia was always so happy before. How had I never been able to tell?

"Lydia," I whisper, taking her face in my hands. "Why didn’t you tell me? I would have understood. I-I just…Is that why you broke up with me?"

She shakes her head. “After I lost Steven, I was always vulnerable and felt so empty. I still do. You don’t want some pathetic lonely girl that wasted years of her life and didn’t even enjoy them. You don’t want someone that threw so much away.”

"I think that’s for me to decide, don’t you think?" I smile softly, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Lydia…broken or not, I want to be with you. I miss you in my bed. I miss just being able to hold you in my arms and kiss you."

She tries to look away but I firmly cup her chin in my hand. “You don’t have to push me away. I would never hurt you.”

Dropping my hand, I sigh deeply. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me either. I lost my girlfriend a long time ago. At least it feels like a long time ago.”

Lydia’s eyes widen slightly as her face fills my mind. “H-how-“

"She took her life," I say, already knowing what she would ask. I bite my lip. "Please don’t do that to me."

"Joel," she whispers. "I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t know-"

"You don’t have to apologize," I murmur, resting my forehead against hers. "Just promise me you won’t leave and make me miss you, too."

"I won’t," she promises, her voice cracking. I brush my lips against hers softly, relieved. I couldn’t take that again. Not with Lydia.

She sits up on my kitchen counter and I smile. She would do that all the time. It was just nice to see her do it again.

"Do you know why she did it?" she asks quietly.

I shake my head. “Not a clue. I ask myself that everyday. She came to me for everything, so I sort of wish she would have then. I knew her better than anyone. At least I thought I did.” I sigh.

"Do you miss her often?" she whispers.

"All the time," I answer.

"Do you think they know we miss them?"

I chuckle and press my lips to her forehead. “They know, love. I promise.”

Her lips curl into a smile. “You have his eyes.”

"You have her smile." I touch her cheek. "And her hair."

"Really?"

I nod. She was like her in so many ways. I hope she didn’t think that was the reason I wanted to be with her. There were things I could see in Lydia that reminded me of her. But her heart was different. Kat had always been caring, but Lydia was something else. She was capable of so much love, even after everything that she’d told me. After everything she went through, she still wanted to try. She was so strong, and I admired her for that.

"You can stay," I mutter. "If you want." I was hoping she’d say yes and stay the night. I’d missed her more than I thought I could. My heart couldn’t take missing both of them. I didn’t even want to imagine ever losing Lydia.

"Okay," she whispers, smiling.

~

We stayed up for a long time just talking. She laid down on the couch while I sat on the floor, listening to her and making her smile whenever I got the chance. Eventually, her eyes drifted closed until she fell asleep.

I sigh, standing and pressing my lips to her forehead. “Goodnight, Lydia.”

As badly as I wanted her in my bed so I could hold her and keep her safe, I was afraid to wake her. So I left her on the couch, throwing a blanket over her just in case she got cold.

Once in my room, I slip my shirt over my head and change into my grey sweatpants, my eyes heavy from the long morning we’d had and the late night.

I remember the picture on my bed drawer and pick up the frame, weighing it in my hands as I look down at a younger version of me and the girl I loved. The one I miss every waking hour.

"She reminds me of you, Kit Kat," I whisper to myself. I place the picture back down and crawl under the covers and stare at my outstretched hand, imagining her fingers laced through mine. I could almost hear her giggle and feel her lips against my cheek.

I make my way back downstairs, taking a few pillows and a blanket to lay down on the floor and be able to sleep beside Lydia. She stirs, turning on her side as her arm dangles over the couch. I slip my fingers through hers, kissing her knuckles softly and drift off peacefully several minutes later.