Status: Finished.
Fat Girl
1/1
August 23, 2011
The first day of my junior year of high school stares me in the face, the dreaded date marked with a red x on my calendar. Hard to believe that I’ve already made it this far.
I make the way to the bathroom, avoiding the full-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door. This has become a habit for me. I find myself wondering from time to time why I even have it up. The bathroom provides another issue, as it’s hard to avoid my reflection when it’s right in front of the sink. I keep my head down, brush my teeth, and evacuate.
Wandering to my closet, I debate what to wear; it’s a pointless process, everything I wear makes me feel insecure. I will face laughter, fingers pointed to me, and whispers wondering, how can she even leave the house? I am fat. I deal with the judgement on a daily basis. It’s easier to handle when I’m not subjected to the scrutiny of two thousand peers.
I settle on an unflattering sweatshirt and matching sweatpants.
December 14, 2011
I make the Dean’s list for the semester. My parents are proud.
December 22, 2011
I decide to start throwing my meals up into the toilet and flushing them away, along with the shame and the embarrassment. It works, and I lose five pounds (!), until I lose control, eating over 7,000 calories in one hour. Instead of emptying my guilt and stomach, I cry and fall asleep. I give up. My parents would not be proud.
February 19, 2012
I look in the mirror, a first in such a long time. My eyes settle on themselves, reflected back at them, sad, empty, tired. I am sad and empty and tired. I make the journey down my wide being, stopping at the cellulite in my arms and thighs, and at the purple and red and pink stretch marks striping up and down my belly, and at my knees, which are being swallowed by the fat on my thighs, and my feet, swollen to the size of a pregnant woman’s, permanently.
I feel as if I am not looking at myself. Whoever it is, I hate her. I hate her limp hair and her chewed nails and every single ounce of fat encasing her bones.
After staring for what feels like hours, I go to bed without dinner.
March 21, 2012
The first day of spring brings new life, hope, and excitement. All I think on this day is how I wish it were fall, the season everything dies, and how I want to shrivel up and float away with the leaves.
June 3, 2012
I spend another long time looking in the mirror. I look hard until I find something I don’t hate. I like my freckles.
I do this every day. Some days are harder than others, but I always find something.
July 31, 2012
I bought a new shirt, and I like the way it looks on me.
August 11, 2012
Today I went shopping for school clothes. Every single thing looks good on me. This is the first time I have ever thought this.
August 28, 2012
Tomorrow is the first day of school. I look in the mirror for an eternity. This time, I cannot find anything I dislike. Instead of the dread I have experienced in years past, I feel hope, and nothing else.
I smile, and my beautiful eyes shine back at me.
The first day of my junior year of high school stares me in the face, the dreaded date marked with a red x on my calendar. Hard to believe that I’ve already made it this far.
I make the way to the bathroom, avoiding the full-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door. This has become a habit for me. I find myself wondering from time to time why I even have it up. The bathroom provides another issue, as it’s hard to avoid my reflection when it’s right in front of the sink. I keep my head down, brush my teeth, and evacuate.
Wandering to my closet, I debate what to wear; it’s a pointless process, everything I wear makes me feel insecure. I will face laughter, fingers pointed to me, and whispers wondering, how can she even leave the house? I am fat. I deal with the judgement on a daily basis. It’s easier to handle when I’m not subjected to the scrutiny of two thousand peers.
I settle on an unflattering sweatshirt and matching sweatpants.
December 14, 2011
I make the Dean’s list for the semester. My parents are proud.
December 22, 2011
I decide to start throwing my meals up into the toilet and flushing them away, along with the shame and the embarrassment. It works, and I lose five pounds (!), until I lose control, eating over 7,000 calories in one hour. Instead of emptying my guilt and stomach, I cry and fall asleep. I give up. My parents would not be proud.
February 19, 2012
I look in the mirror, a first in such a long time. My eyes settle on themselves, reflected back at them, sad, empty, tired. I am sad and empty and tired. I make the journey down my wide being, stopping at the cellulite in my arms and thighs, and at the purple and red and pink stretch marks striping up and down my belly, and at my knees, which are being swallowed by the fat on my thighs, and my feet, swollen to the size of a pregnant woman’s, permanently.
I feel as if I am not looking at myself. Whoever it is, I hate her. I hate her limp hair and her chewed nails and every single ounce of fat encasing her bones.
After staring for what feels like hours, I go to bed without dinner.
March 21, 2012
The first day of spring brings new life, hope, and excitement. All I think on this day is how I wish it were fall, the season everything dies, and how I want to shrivel up and float away with the leaves.
June 3, 2012
I spend another long time looking in the mirror. I look hard until I find something I don’t hate. I like my freckles.
I do this every day. Some days are harder than others, but I always find something.
July 31, 2012
I bought a new shirt, and I like the way it looks on me.
August 11, 2012
Today I went shopping for school clothes. Every single thing looks good on me. This is the first time I have ever thought this.
August 28, 2012
Tomorrow is the first day of school. I look in the mirror for an eternity. This time, I cannot find anything I dislike. Instead of the dread I have experienced in years past, I feel hope, and nothing else.
I smile, and my beautiful eyes shine back at me.