Etched Into My Skin.
Equal.
Not all of the stories behind each tattoo are happy ones. A good few of them are pretty heavy. Even the ones you wouldn’t expect to have come from a bad experience.
I think that’s kind of the effect a tattoo has on a person. It heals their memories, comforts them, because they could take their pain and turn it into something beautiful.
That’s what I try to do with all situations. Even if I’m the one involved. I try not to regret, and turn it into a learning experience rather than just a bad time in the past. My brothers had a lot to do with the equal sign on my arm.
Our family is very close knit and caring; you wouldn’t find a mother more loving than my own, and my dad could make you feel like you were his kid. Sure, we fought, but all families do.
However, a family as close as ours is bound to have problems more than others. Things would threaten to break the bond, testing everyone’s limits. When you were as close as we were, it was easier to be torn apart. Because we all knew each other too well. And we were around each other all the time.
Someone was bound to get on someone else’s nerves.
~
A few days after meeting up with Livia for the first time, I invited her to one of usual family get togethers, which really only consisted of my parents, brothers, an aunt and an uncle, and a few cousins. Our little reunions usually just resulted in a cookout.
Since I’d only been back for about two weeks, I hadn’t really noticed the tension between Ross and Shane. It wasn’t until now that I realized: they hadn’t spoken a word to each other since I got home.
Or rather, Shane wouldn’t talk to Ross. Something must have happened while I was gone, I didn’t want to ask about it and stir up drama.
"John?"
I look at Livia as she walks up behind me. I flash her a smirk. “Hey, Livy.”
"Are you ever gonna drop that name?" she sighs.
I laugh. “Probably not.”
She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. I just saw your mom again.” I groan and she giggles. “I forgot how much she likes me.”
"Like you," I scoff. "The woman loves you. She’d adopt you if she could."
She smiles. “That wouldn’t have anything to do with 3rd grade, would it?”
"Most likely."
We laugh. I wouldn’t be surprised if my ma still thinks we were made for each other. She already once used to suspect I was gay. The things that run through that woman’s head is insane.
Livy locks her arm through mine and guides me into the kitchen. "I missed your mom’s cooking."
I groan. “So did I.”
She raises an eyebrow. Did I really forget to mention to get that I was in a band?
"I’ve been away for a while," I explain.
"College?"
I bite my lip and shake my head. “Touring.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh my God! You’re in a band?!”
Before I can respond, I hear something shatter in the living room, then someone crying out in anger.
We run in to see what the ruckus was about. I watch my mother race over to Shane, who has his hands clenched into fists. He looks angrier than I’ve ever seen him.
"I already fucking know you’re better than me!" he shouts at Ross on the other side of the room. "You don’t need to go off telling everybody else!"
"Shane!" my mother gasps.
He ignores her. ” You don’t even need to tell them! They know it already! I’m goddamn tired of everyone comparing me to you!”
Ross scoffs. “Don’t blame me. It’s not my fault you’re so pathetic.”
What the fuck? Ross never talks to Shane like that. He was his little brother. My little brother.
Livia and I exchange looks. We both knew that this was only about to get worse.
Shane’s face is beet red. “Oh, I’m pathetic? At least I don’t have to sleep with girls to get them to do my work for me.”
I feel the shock on my face as I watch Ross’s expression harden, his face set into a scowl. “At least they want to sleep with me.”
Shane lunges at him, tackling him to the floor. I don’t react quickly enough as the first punch is thrown. I’ve never seen him snap before.
"John!" Livia whispers. "Do something!"
I spark into life and race over to them. I growl as I struggle to pull my youngest brother off of Ross. “Shane! Get off of him! Let it go!”
"Don’t tell me what to fucking do!" he screams, writhing like a wild animal in my arms. "I’m sick of it!"
He tries pushing me away but I just lock my arms around him and pin him down. He continues to fight me but I try to calm him down, speaking to him and him alone. “Come on, Shane-O. Don’t do this. You can talk to me.”
I notice him loosen up, even though he occasionally kicks and grunts. Eventually, he stops completely, groaning in defeat.
I help him to his feet and put my arm around him. “Let’s go.” I give my dad a look. “Take care of Ross for me.”
He nods, giving his other son a heavy glare.
I take Shane into his room and we sit on the bed.
"Alright," I sigh, running a hand through my hair. "What’s going on?"
He furrows his eyebrows as he stares out the window. “He thinks he’s so grand. He puts me down all the time now because I’m not doing the things he does. And mom and dad are always telling me all this shit about how I have to go to college. I don’t need that added pressure; I already know I have to go. It doesn’t help when they’re constantly reminding me how much better he is than me.”
I frown. “Shane…no one is better than anybody. The reason they do that is because they just want you to be the greatest you can be. They want what’s best.”
"How do they think they know what’s best for me if they don’t even know me?" he asks bitterly. "All they ever talk about is Ross. Or you. They don’t ask me how school is going, only about my grades. That’s all they care about." I feel my heart twist when his eyes water. I haven’t seen him cry since he was five.
"They don’t have any idea of half the shit I’ve been going through," he croaks.
I sigh and rest a hand on his head. “I’m sorry, kiddo. Parents are parents. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing. They don’t mean to do it, they don’t, but they do it with the best intentions.”
He shrugs. “I know. I just…” He shakes his head. “I’m never gonna be as smart as Ross, and I’m definitely never gonna be a famous singer like you.”
The corners of my lips twitch. “First of all, I’m not all that famous. Not yet, anyway. Who knows. Second, don’t live up to anyone else’s expectations but your own. Be your own person, and you’ll eventually find success.”
He wipes his cheeks with the back of his hand and takes a shaky breath. I give his shoulder a squeeze. “You’re going to be okay. Whatever you’re dealing with, you know I’m here for you. Whenever you need me.”
He nods and laughs, though it’s a bit forced. “You do a way better job at parenting than actual parents.”
I chuckle. “Hopefully that sticks.”
I stand and walk over to his desk, where I see a stack of textbooks. One was already open to a few math problems. Geometry, it looked like.
He had a lot of books. Maybe that’s what was bothering him. He was stressed out with school work and he feels like he’s not giving it his all when everyone is degrading him.
"So, how is school, then?" I mutter, looking down at a problem. I didn’t even remember this shit.
"Busy," he mumbles. "I have a whole bunch of stuff after school. Plus tutoring."
I nod as my eyes zone in one problem. I recognized the equivalent sign, which was basically an equal sign with a squiggly line over it. “What are you having trouble with?” I call over my shoulder.
"Math."
I smile. “Come and solve this problem then.”
He groans, unable to believe that I was making him do his homework on a night like this.
"Just do it," I laugh.
He grumbles and stomps over, plopping down at his desk and working it out. I nod as he finds the solution. I point to the answer he scribbled down. “Do you know what that means?”
"Angle A is equivalent to Angle C."
"Exactly," I whisper, leaning down. "You are equivalent, Shane, always remember that. It doesn’t matter how much older or younger you are than someone. You are not more or less than someone else. We bleed the same blood. You and me and, mom, and dad, and Ross. All of us. We’re family. We’re all equal."
He smiles like I just said the greatest thing he’s ever heard.
"Now," I say, "I'm gonna go talk to mom and dad and tell them to go easy on you. You’ve got a lot on your plate as it is. And then I’m going to have a talk with Ross."
He laughs when I make my voice significantly darker. “Thank you, John.”
"No problem. I’ll kick his ass any day for you."
"No," he says. "Thank you. For everything."
I smile. “Anytime, kiddo.”
I walk out of his room and return downstairs, where I see my father talking to Ross in a very hushed but very serious tone.
All the guests have left. Except for Livy. She’s sitting on the last stair, waiting for me. When I see she’s about to talk to me, I tell her to hold on. I approach my younger brother. He looks indifferent.
I take a deep breath and giving him the coldest stare I can manage, I growl, “Ross Cornelius O’ Callaghan, you little shit. How dare you talk to your own brother like that. Your younger brother that has done nothing but look up to you, and you stomp all over him and make him feel worthless. Do you have any idea what he’s been dealing with? You go upstairs and apologize to him right fucking now before I make you. And you better fucking mean it. Do you understand?!”
His eyes are wide and scared. Even my dad was shocked.
I narrow my eyes and whisper sternly, “Go.”
He scurries off.
Livia comes up next to me and rubs my back. “You okay?”
I nod, trying to keep calm. It was hard to be angry and have to say those things, but hard to be just angry enough to not pass the line.
"How’s Shane?" my mother asks as she makes her way back into the living room.
"We’ll talk about him tomorrow," I tell her, and she knows by the sound of my voice that not only is it something that we need to talk seriously about, it’s also not the best time to discuss it. I’m exhausted.
~
"You did good, John," Livy whispers when I decide to step outside for some fresh air.
"I don’t ever want to have to go through that again," I mutter. "I’ve never witnessed something like that. Not between my brothers."
She frowns and rests a hand on my cheek. “I’m sorry, Johnny. But I’m sure you helped them. You did what you could, regardless.”
I nod, sighing. “Poor kid. I feel bad. He’s going through the exact same thing I went through, except now he’s got the extra weight on his shoulders of a brother who wasn’t great in school and dropped out of college, and a brother who gets straight A’s and will most likely graduate from college.”
"What did you tell him?"
"That it doesn’t matter how much older or younger he is than someone. That he’s not more or less than anyone. That he was…equivalent."
Livia smiles warmly. “I like that. And I agree with it.”
I merely shrug. She messes with my hair and sighs. “He’s going to learn from this and always remember what his big brother told him. He’ll appreciate you for it.”
I honestly hoped he would. I wish I could have just told him the truth, that he’d be just fine, but he wouldn’t believe me. I wish I could tell them both. They’re smart and full of potential and will go to college and be successful in life. And I’ll be proud of them.
I can only hope that through all of this, they would still remember that they were family, and that they were equal.
I think that’s kind of the effect a tattoo has on a person. It heals their memories, comforts them, because they could take their pain and turn it into something beautiful.
That’s what I try to do with all situations. Even if I’m the one involved. I try not to regret, and turn it into a learning experience rather than just a bad time in the past. My brothers had a lot to do with the equal sign on my arm.
Our family is very close knit and caring; you wouldn’t find a mother more loving than my own, and my dad could make you feel like you were his kid. Sure, we fought, but all families do.
However, a family as close as ours is bound to have problems more than others. Things would threaten to break the bond, testing everyone’s limits. When you were as close as we were, it was easier to be torn apart. Because we all knew each other too well. And we were around each other all the time.
Someone was bound to get on someone else’s nerves.
~
A few days after meeting up with Livia for the first time, I invited her to one of usual family get togethers, which really only consisted of my parents, brothers, an aunt and an uncle, and a few cousins. Our little reunions usually just resulted in a cookout.
Since I’d only been back for about two weeks, I hadn’t really noticed the tension between Ross and Shane. It wasn’t until now that I realized: they hadn’t spoken a word to each other since I got home.
Or rather, Shane wouldn’t talk to Ross. Something must have happened while I was gone, I didn’t want to ask about it and stir up drama.
"John?"
I look at Livia as she walks up behind me. I flash her a smirk. “Hey, Livy.”
"Are you ever gonna drop that name?" she sighs.
I laugh. “Probably not.”
She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. I just saw your mom again.” I groan and she giggles. “I forgot how much she likes me.”
"Like you," I scoff. "The woman loves you. She’d adopt you if she could."
She smiles. “That wouldn’t have anything to do with 3rd grade, would it?”
"Most likely."
We laugh. I wouldn’t be surprised if my ma still thinks we were made for each other. She already once used to suspect I was gay. The things that run through that woman’s head is insane.
Livy locks her arm through mine and guides me into the kitchen. "I missed your mom’s cooking."
I groan. “So did I.”
She raises an eyebrow. Did I really forget to mention to get that I was in a band?
"I’ve been away for a while," I explain.
"College?"
I bite my lip and shake my head. “Touring.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh my God! You’re in a band?!”
Before I can respond, I hear something shatter in the living room, then someone crying out in anger.
We run in to see what the ruckus was about. I watch my mother race over to Shane, who has his hands clenched into fists. He looks angrier than I’ve ever seen him.
"I already fucking know you’re better than me!" he shouts at Ross on the other side of the room. "You don’t need to go off telling everybody else!"
"Shane!" my mother gasps.
He ignores her. ” You don’t even need to tell them! They know it already! I’m goddamn tired of everyone comparing me to you!”
Ross scoffs. “Don’t blame me. It’s not my fault you’re so pathetic.”
What the fuck? Ross never talks to Shane like that. He was his little brother. My little brother.
Livia and I exchange looks. We both knew that this was only about to get worse.
Shane’s face is beet red. “Oh, I’m pathetic? At least I don’t have to sleep with girls to get them to do my work for me.”
I feel the shock on my face as I watch Ross’s expression harden, his face set into a scowl. “At least they want to sleep with me.”
Shane lunges at him, tackling him to the floor. I don’t react quickly enough as the first punch is thrown. I’ve never seen him snap before.
"John!" Livia whispers. "Do something!"
I spark into life and race over to them. I growl as I struggle to pull my youngest brother off of Ross. “Shane! Get off of him! Let it go!”
"Don’t tell me what to fucking do!" he screams, writhing like a wild animal in my arms. "I’m sick of it!"
He tries pushing me away but I just lock my arms around him and pin him down. He continues to fight me but I try to calm him down, speaking to him and him alone. “Come on, Shane-O. Don’t do this. You can talk to me.”
I notice him loosen up, even though he occasionally kicks and grunts. Eventually, he stops completely, groaning in defeat.
I help him to his feet and put my arm around him. “Let’s go.” I give my dad a look. “Take care of Ross for me.”
He nods, giving his other son a heavy glare.
I take Shane into his room and we sit on the bed.
"Alright," I sigh, running a hand through my hair. "What’s going on?"
He furrows his eyebrows as he stares out the window. “He thinks he’s so grand. He puts me down all the time now because I’m not doing the things he does. And mom and dad are always telling me all this shit about how I have to go to college. I don’t need that added pressure; I already know I have to go. It doesn’t help when they’re constantly reminding me how much better he is than me.”
I frown. “Shane…no one is better than anybody. The reason they do that is because they just want you to be the greatest you can be. They want what’s best.”
"How do they think they know what’s best for me if they don’t even know me?" he asks bitterly. "All they ever talk about is Ross. Or you. They don’t ask me how school is going, only about my grades. That’s all they care about." I feel my heart twist when his eyes water. I haven’t seen him cry since he was five.
"They don’t have any idea of half the shit I’ve been going through," he croaks.
I sigh and rest a hand on his head. “I’m sorry, kiddo. Parents are parents. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing. They don’t mean to do it, they don’t, but they do it with the best intentions.”
He shrugs. “I know. I just…” He shakes his head. “I’m never gonna be as smart as Ross, and I’m definitely never gonna be a famous singer like you.”
The corners of my lips twitch. “First of all, I’m not all that famous. Not yet, anyway. Who knows. Second, don’t live up to anyone else’s expectations but your own. Be your own person, and you’ll eventually find success.”
He wipes his cheeks with the back of his hand and takes a shaky breath. I give his shoulder a squeeze. “You’re going to be okay. Whatever you’re dealing with, you know I’m here for you. Whenever you need me.”
He nods and laughs, though it’s a bit forced. “You do a way better job at parenting than actual parents.”
I chuckle. “Hopefully that sticks.”
I stand and walk over to his desk, where I see a stack of textbooks. One was already open to a few math problems. Geometry, it looked like.
He had a lot of books. Maybe that’s what was bothering him. He was stressed out with school work and he feels like he’s not giving it his all when everyone is degrading him.
"So, how is school, then?" I mutter, looking down at a problem. I didn’t even remember this shit.
"Busy," he mumbles. "I have a whole bunch of stuff after school. Plus tutoring."
I nod as my eyes zone in one problem. I recognized the equivalent sign, which was basically an equal sign with a squiggly line over it. “What are you having trouble with?” I call over my shoulder.
"Math."
I smile. “Come and solve this problem then.”
He groans, unable to believe that I was making him do his homework on a night like this.
"Just do it," I laugh.
He grumbles and stomps over, plopping down at his desk and working it out. I nod as he finds the solution. I point to the answer he scribbled down. “Do you know what that means?”
"Angle A is equivalent to Angle C."
"Exactly," I whisper, leaning down. "You are equivalent, Shane, always remember that. It doesn’t matter how much older or younger you are than someone. You are not more or less than someone else. We bleed the same blood. You and me and, mom, and dad, and Ross. All of us. We’re family. We’re all equal."
He smiles like I just said the greatest thing he’s ever heard.
"Now," I say, "I'm gonna go talk to mom and dad and tell them to go easy on you. You’ve got a lot on your plate as it is. And then I’m going to have a talk with Ross."
He laughs when I make my voice significantly darker. “Thank you, John.”
"No problem. I’ll kick his ass any day for you."
"No," he says. "Thank you. For everything."
I smile. “Anytime, kiddo.”
I walk out of his room and return downstairs, where I see my father talking to Ross in a very hushed but very serious tone.
All the guests have left. Except for Livy. She’s sitting on the last stair, waiting for me. When I see she’s about to talk to me, I tell her to hold on. I approach my younger brother. He looks indifferent.
I take a deep breath and giving him the coldest stare I can manage, I growl, “Ross Cornelius O’ Callaghan, you little shit. How dare you talk to your own brother like that. Your younger brother that has done nothing but look up to you, and you stomp all over him and make him feel worthless. Do you have any idea what he’s been dealing with? You go upstairs and apologize to him right fucking now before I make you. And you better fucking mean it. Do you understand?!”
His eyes are wide and scared. Even my dad was shocked.
I narrow my eyes and whisper sternly, “Go.”
He scurries off.
Livia comes up next to me and rubs my back. “You okay?”
I nod, trying to keep calm. It was hard to be angry and have to say those things, but hard to be just angry enough to not pass the line.
"How’s Shane?" my mother asks as she makes her way back into the living room.
"We’ll talk about him tomorrow," I tell her, and she knows by the sound of my voice that not only is it something that we need to talk seriously about, it’s also not the best time to discuss it. I’m exhausted.
~
"You did good, John," Livy whispers when I decide to step outside for some fresh air.
"I don’t ever want to have to go through that again," I mutter. "I’ve never witnessed something like that. Not between my brothers."
She frowns and rests a hand on my cheek. “I’m sorry, Johnny. But I’m sure you helped them. You did what you could, regardless.”
I nod, sighing. “Poor kid. I feel bad. He’s going through the exact same thing I went through, except now he’s got the extra weight on his shoulders of a brother who wasn’t great in school and dropped out of college, and a brother who gets straight A’s and will most likely graduate from college.”
"What did you tell him?"
"That it doesn’t matter how much older or younger he is than someone. That he’s not more or less than anyone. That he was…equivalent."
Livia smiles warmly. “I like that. And I agree with it.”
I merely shrug. She messes with my hair and sighs. “He’s going to learn from this and always remember what his big brother told him. He’ll appreciate you for it.”
I honestly hoped he would. I wish I could have just told him the truth, that he’d be just fine, but he wouldn’t believe me. I wish I could tell them both. They’re smart and full of potential and will go to college and be successful in life. And I’ll be proud of them.
I can only hope that through all of this, they would still remember that they were family, and that they were equal.