Etched Into My Skin.

The tour in Brazil started in two days. I didn't want to leave, not with what happened the other night. I wasn't clear on what we were, really. I didnt know if we had a "status," or if it had even crossed her mind at all. Although we had yet to talk about what happened, Livy and I were spending all of our time together. I figured she may as well be the last person I spend my time with before I leave again. I wanted to get a better idea of where we stood before I left, too.
She wanted to go to an art museum, so I went with her. Things like that always made her excited, and I liked seeing her happy.
As we stood in front a large canvas piece, I could feel her eyes on me. I turn my head and raise an eyebrow.
She smiles sheepishly. "Looking at all of this artwork makes me want to paint you again."
I laugh, rubbing the back of my neck. "I wouldn't be opposed to it. As long as you didn't make me stay so still like last time."
"But that's what models do," she teases, leaning in. I could feel her breath on me; that's how close she was.
Livy catches on and turns back to the painting on the wall. "Um, I think this one's called a Pile of Crowns for Jean-Basquiat. Keith Haring painted it in memorable honor of the passing of his friend-"
"What are we?" I ask, cutting her off.
Her eyes meet mine again, wide and showing a hint of panic. "What?"
I bite my lip. "Us."
"O-oh," she stammers, turning her body so that she's fully facing me, yet she still wouldn't face me. She had long looked away.
"You know we have to talk about it eventually. It happened and there's no changing that."
She sighs, her eyes drawn to the painting once more. "I know. I didn't want to start avoiding you because I would've felt bad but..." Her eyebrows knit together, trying to find the best word choice. "I wanted to."
I couldn't help it, but her words stung. "So you thought you'd just ignore it and pretend it never happened?"
"Don't make this complicated, John," she whispers pleadingly. "I don't want things to be complicated with you, I...you're one of my best friends and I'm just too scared that I'll hurt you or mess things up."
I wanted to be angry at her. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. I wanted to tell her that the only way she could ever hurt me is by saying she never wanted me. But all I could do is think about how much I needed her, think of ways to convince her, though I wasn't sure of what.
"Livia," I mutter and she groans, probably because I was choosing now to use her full name. "Don't do that."
I shake my head. "No, listen. I'm leaving in two days and I refuse to leave without knowing what it'll be like when I get back. I don't want things to be different, but I want something to change. How about this."
Livy sucks in a breath when I take her hands in mine, pulling her closer. I could feel my heart beating steadily but as soon as my eyes met her it goes into a frenzy.
"You can do whatever you want while I'm gone," I say, trying to compromise. "And you don't ever have to worry about me. I don't ever have to know. But for tomorrow and once I come back, you'll be mine."
She gives me a confused look. "Yours?"
"Mine. More than just friends. My girlfriend. Whatever you wanna call it."
A corner of her mouth lifts. "Now what kind of dumb, delusional, convoluted deal is that?"
I lift my shoulders. "A desperate one?"
She smiles full-on now and wraps her arms around my neck. "Then I must be a dumb, delusional, convoluted kind of girl."
"So is that a yes?" I ask, unsure.
Rising to her tippy toes, she presses her lips to my cheek. "Yes."
I grin, going in to kiss her but she backs away, giggling. "Starting tomorrow remember? Should've thought that deal of yours through."
I narrow my eyes at the smile playing on her lips. She knew I was impatient and wouldn't want to wait a whole other day. We'd be wasting precious time if we did.
Nothing to lose, I tell myself as I take her face in my hands and kiss her deeply.
~
When my bags were packed and ready, Livy offered to drive me to the airport. The car ride was a bit more quiet than I was comfortable with.
"Is everything okay?" I ask once the silence finally gets to be too much.
She shakes her head, smiling. "It's nothing," she tries to assure me, but I've known her long enough to know that something was weighing on her mind.
"What are you worried about?" I sigh, reaching for her hand. Even with just a day of actually being with her, I could tell that brushing my thumb over her knuckles was her weakness.
"It's just..." She bites her lip. "This deal with you being away...does it work both ways?"
I chuckle and raise her hand to my lips. So that was it.
"Not if you don't want it to," I whisper.
"But how is that fair?"
"It isn't," I answer. "I just don't want you to feel obligated to me while I'm gone. Because that's not very fair, is it?"
"Well, no, but-"
I lean in to press my lips to hers. "Then it's settled. You live on with your life the way you normally would and then if you decide you still want to be with me-"
"Of course I want to be with you," she scoffs.
I smile. "Then you have nothing to worry about."
If only I could have left that bet behind with that painting on the wall.