On Paper.

"John! Want another beer?"
I shrug when my buddy Joel calls me. “Sure.”
Everyone was here at the usual ‘after party’ following our home show kicking off our tour, even though there’s nothing very exciting about it. At least for me. People were on the dance floor, but I wasn’t a good dancer…at all.
I look around, bored with myself. My eyes land on a girl standing around with a group of friends, talking. All the air seems to leave my body. I’m literally breath taken by her beauty.
Joel returns with my drink, and I accept the bottle. He raises an eyebrow when he notices me staring at someone, and follows my gaze. He chuckles. “Go talk to her. She’s really pretty.”
Pretty didn’t even begin to describe it. I’ve never seen a girl look so perfect. Maybe it was the low lighting, or maybe I’d had more to drink than I thought, but she seemed to glow.
I take a sip of my beer and return with the rest of the guys. Eric meets up with me, grinning. “Hey, Johno. Wanna play a round of beer pong?”
I shake my head and smirk. “Halvorsen, you idiot. You know I beat your ass every time.”
He laughs. “That’s sort of the point.”
Regardless, I turn down his offer and float around the dance floor, my eyes every so often drifting over to her. She seemed bored herself, despite her friends crowding around her.
Go over there, O’ Callaghan, I urge myself. Just go for it.
I approach her before I could chicken out. I flash her a smile. “Hey, darlin’. Wanna dance?”
She seems to freeze and her friends turn quiet. I don’t give her a chance to turn me down or agree; I grab her hand and pull her onto the dance floor.
I rest my hands on her hips, pulling her closer. She wraps her arms around my neck. Our bodies sway to the upbeat music. I notice her smile as she turns around, her back to my chest. “I owe you one.”
I twirl her back around and smirk lopsidedly. “What for?”
"You saved me from those robots," she says, laughing. "They’re not much fun."
I chuckle. “Glad to help.”
We end up dancing the night away, all the while pressed up against each other. I don’t even realize other people’s eyes on us, including the guys’, because I’m completely captivated by her beauty. The way she moves and the way she smiles had me instantly hooked.
She dances on her own at a distance for a few minutes, hands over her head, moving her hips from side to side. I wrap my arms around her waist and bring her back to me.
"What’s your name?" I breathe.
She smiles and bites her lip. “Laura.”
My mind takes a moment to process that small bit of information. Laura. Laura. Like the one you think about at night when you’re going to sleep. Laura. Like the ex love of your life. Laura. Like the name that name that haunts you in your wake.
I give her a tight smile. “I’m John.”
She giggles. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, John.”
I give a curt nod, my mind reeling. Damn her. Not this Laura, the old Laura. Why did she have to ruin everything? She keeps fucking everything up for me. Why can’t I just forget her?
I wanted to kiss this girl. Badly. I wanted to make her mine. But I just couldn’t force myself to, knowing that she had that name. I don’t know why it even mattered; it’s not like it was all that important, it was just a name. But it was somehow stopping me from doing what I wanted to right now.
That damn name.
We continue to dance and talk and I feel my heart sinking because I want her all the more. Five fucking letters were preventing me from taking her away and not have to wonder what she tastes like.
I wish I could tell her all of this. But I can’t.
By the end of the night, the only thing I know is her name, and that her name was holding me back from giving myself a chance to be happy with this girl.
Needless to say, I regret not kissing her.
~
Laura and I stayed close friends. We’d hit it off the night we met, and exchanged numbers. I was more than fine with just talking to her, even if it was as just friends.
There’s just so much more I want to tell her.
I started writing about her almost every day. The old Laura and this Laura were so different. This Laura was sweeter, kinder, and so much more beautiful. She was sincere and humble and selfless. In a word, amazing.
And I couldn’t get her out of my head. I thought about her way more than I should. But I just can’t help it.
My heart aches not being able to be with her. I would do anything to be able to express what I felt for her. I’d fallen for her without a doubt.
It’s been a few months since I’ve seen her face to face, since we met while we were on tour and I had to be on the move. Now that I’m back home, I’d made the decision to tell her I loved her.
I feel so restless keeping all these thoughts to myself. I literally couldn’t take it, and I wouldn’t stand it any longer. I don’t even know what to do with myself when I start thinking about her. I need to tell her. I’m done wallowing in my self-pity. I was over the old Laura; it was time to completely let that go and move on.
What if it was too late? I can’t help but wonder. Things could have changed. She could be with someone else.
No. I refuse to give up just like that. I have to at least try.
We’d made plans to meet up later. So imagine my surprise when I find her sitting at my kitchen table when I wake up the next morning, bouncing her leg happily.
Was I dreaming?
I blink a few times and shake my head. Nope, definitely awake.
My mom must have let her in.
Oh, that’s great. She knows that I live with my parents now.
I quickly run a hand through my messy bed hair and clear my throat. “L-Laura. What are you doing here?”
She looks up and grins widely at me. “Johnny!” She stands and runs over to me, throwing her arms around me. I stumble back a bit before securing my arms around my waist. What I would give to hold her like this every day.
"Hey, darlin’," I mumble, pressing my nose to her hair and smelling her shampoo.
She giggles and stands away. “It’s good to see you, John.” Her eyes flicker to my stomach. “New tattoo?”
It’s then that I realize I’m shirtless in front of her. I feel my face heat up and I scratch my chin. “Uhh, yeah. Got it like a month ago.”
She nods and sits back down. Just then my mom walks in, smiling. “Oh, good, you’re up. I was about to make Laura some breakfast. Want some?”
"Thanks, ma, but I’m okay," I mutter, sitting down, fifty shades of mortified. Could this get more embarrassing? Not only am I half naked and living with my parents, but my mom still makes me breakfast.
Laura laughs, and it’s a lovely sound. “No need to look so shy. Your mom already explained to me how you’re on the road with the band a lot, so it only makes sense that you like to be with your family for the short period of time that you’re home.”
I nod. Well, at least she didn’t think I was pathetic.
"So," I say, clearing my throat. "How have you been?"
While she tells me what she’s been up to, I can’t help but fathom how much more beautiful she’s gotten, which I didn’t think possible. She let her hair grow out, so now it cascaded past her shoulders in soft waves, and her skin had a natural glow to it. She wasn’t even wearing any makeup.
Shit, I realize, she probably has a boyfriend now.
My gut pangs. I knew it would be too late. There was no way she’d be interested in me now.
"Helloooo?"
I jump when I realize she’s speaking to me. I smile sheepishly. “Sorry.”
"It’s alright," she chuckles.
I lean back in my chair and let her eat the food my mom’s just placed in front of her. She thanks her with a polite smile.
"So what brings you here, Laur?" I ask when she’s about finished with her first few bites.
She sighs. “Well, I was hoping we could go out and do something…since I’m moving out of state soon.”
I feel my chest tighten. She was moving? Now when would I ever get to see her?
"Wh-where to?" I croak, devastated. I’ve never felt so fragile.
"Wisconsin," she answers, taking another bite. "To live closer to my cousins."
I nod, feeling defeated. It was already bad enough that I missed her like hell while I was on tour, after having only known her for a night. But being forced away from her was going to kill me.
I wish the loneliness would swallow me whole so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.
~
Ever since she left, I started writing countless letters about her. Letters to her. Letter after letter after letter. It was the only way I kept myself sane, the only way I could actually make sense of my thoughts and all that I felt for her.
All the words I’d been holding back were scribbled down on paper. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night and start writing because I found a perfect way to describe her, or something she did, and I knew I had to get it down before I forgot. I was determined to capture every word and tell her every single one in my letters.
And I did. I told her about the first time I laid eyes on her, and about how whenever I saw her, my heart would race. I told her how badly I wish I could cradle her in my arms every morning and every night. About how often I think about her lips and how soft they must be. About the gleam in her eye and how they seemed to light up when she saw me, and how it would make me light up inside. About her smile and how it made everything seem right in the world. About how caught up I get in taking in these little details about her, and how I wish I could stare at her for hours.
Lastly, I told her how much I loved her. That I would do anything and everything for her. And I would give anything and everything to be able to do just that. I wanted to give her the world. I wanted her to be the one I wrote songs about. I wanted her to be the one I held in my arms when she was both happy and sad. To keep her by my side. I wanted to fall asleep to the feel of her soft skin, and wake up to the sight of her lovely face. I wanted her to be mine, and I wanted to be hers completely.
I finally gathered up enough nerve to send them to her.
Months passed since I’d heard from her. Whenever I tried to contact her, she wasn’t available.
I was so incredible stupid to think my letters would have changed anything. She probably was reading them and laughing. I was expecting to at least get some sort of response; a letter from her telling me she was sorry she didn’t feel the same, or a phone call telling me to leave her alone.
I ruined everything. And in the process, I lost the one thing that made me happy.
~
I lost track of how many months it had been, but it was May 14th. I still thought about her as much as I did before. But I stopped writing letters. I didn’t want to bother her anymore. She’s surely moved on with her life, so I should, too.
So why can’t I?
Forcing myself out of bed, I make my way downstairs and breathe deeply. My mother is by the sink, washing the dishes. I sigh and give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Hey, ma.”
"Mornin’, sweets." She looks over her shoulder at me and smiles. "By the way, you got a letter in the mail today. It’s on the counter."
My breath catches in my throat. A letter?
There’s only one person who the letter could even be from. Maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions, but who else could it be?
I steadily walk over to the counter, trying to keep from doubling over when I see the name on the upper left corner. Written in a neat hand, is the name, address, state, and ZIP code. I feel my head whirl. Wisconsin.
My hands are shaking as I pick it up and open it up. I curse under my breath when I drop the slip of paper on the floor and snatch it up impatiently.
Dear Johnny,
Why’d ya stop writing to me?! Those letters were beautiful. You could probably turn them into songs if you wanted to. I think I got about a total of fifteen - hey, there’s your next album right there!
Jokes aside: I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone talk about me in that way my entire life. I never thought it was possible. And I never suspected you could ever see me that way. Before you start thinking that I’m just being nice and trying to let you down easy or something, I am not writing to you to let you know I’m rejecting you.
I’m writing to let you know that by the time you get this letter, I’ll have landed in Arizona and gotten off my flight. Thank you for waiting for me as long as you did. I can’t wait to see you.
Oh, and by the way, if I haven’t mentioned it by now…I love you, too.
Yours Truly, Laura
(P.S. I’ll be expecting that kiss you always told me you wanted to give me.)
There’s a knock on the door and my mom rushes over. “I’ll get it!”
I feel like my body is frozen in place. She’s here. She came to see me. She read my letters.
She loves me.
I hear the door open, then the sound of heels clicking, before her angelic voice drifts over to me. “John?”
My heart swells in my chest. I turn around and smile.
Laura.
"Laura," I breathe.
She bites her lip and steps in front of me. “Hi,” she says softly.
I take her face in my hands and let my fingers brush against her cheek. Her eyes close.
"I’m not dreaming, am I?" I ask.
She opens her eyes and give me a funny look. Finally, she laughs. “No, John. You’re not dreaming.”
I laugh with her and pull her in for a tight hug. I hold her to me, and she lets me, nuzzling her nose into my neck. Finally.
Pulling away slightly, I rest my forehead against hers. “I missed you. You have no idea how badly-“
"Shut up," she whispers. "You did enough talking on paper. Now kiss me already."
So I kiss her at last.