Brave Heart

I was woken from my dreams about an early lunch by the strangest sound. It was one I wouldn’t imagine hearing downtown, in a part that was filled with office buildings. It sounded like a lawnmower.

I could hear people getting up from behind their desks to find the cause of the sound. I on the other hand had to make a good impression on my fellow colleagues, so I tried to refocus my attention on the waiting document on my computer screen. The document was dull and soon enough my attention was focusing in on that strange sound again.

A distant memory came to mind by the sound, and suddenly I found myself lost in a memory from twenty years ago. It was a story my dad used to tell me and my little sister when we were kids. The first time I remember hearing the story was during Halloween when I was about seven. He told us the story repeatedly years to come every time a bit different, but that particular year was special because it was the first time my sister went trick or treating. She was five.

We sat by the kitchen table, my sister dressed as a chef, because that’s what she wanted to be when she grew up, and me dressed up as a forest fairy, because I’d just seen Peter Pan on TV and I really liked Tinkerbell.

“All set kids?” My Mom was staying at home; to make sure dinner was ready when we got back.

“Yeah! Let’s go, I want a lot of candy this time!” No hiding my enthusiasm there.

“But before we leave, there’s something important I have to tell you.” My dad spoke in a husky and scary voice.

“What is it Dadda?” I could hear the excitement in my sister’s voice.

“It’s a story about a man who lived down the street from here, exactly 20 years ago. He was an outsider in the community and everyone thought he was a bit crazy. Every year during the Halloween celebrations he liked to dress up his whole yard with all things scary. You could find old gravestones, skeletons and pumpkins carved with twisted faces. Nobody liked him, except on Halloween. It was a lot of fun going to his house to see what he’d put up every year.”

“Was it real skeletons?” I asked, scared to hear the answer.

“Who knows?” Dad answered with the scariest voice he could muster.

“What happened to him Dadda?” My sister wasn’t scared at all.

“Well, on this day, exactly twenty years ago, some children decided to trespass on his yard, and went around the house to look at the backyard. That’s when the kids heard the strangest noise, and suddenly out of the shed came the crazy man riding his lawnmower!”

That’s when both I and my sister screamed.

“He was holding a torch and driving like crazy around his yard. The kids all scattered and ran for their lives!”

“Daddaaaa!!” My sister quickly ducked behind me.

“What happened to the crazy man?” I wondered, not daring to move.

“Oh the police showed up and asked him what was going on. He answered that his garden light had broke and that he needed the torch as guide to be able to mow the lawn.” And that’s when my dad broke out in a hysterical laugh.

“Samantha?”

“Hmm?” Someone calling my name broke me out of my memory.

“Samantha, there’s someone here to see you.” Linda, my secretary stood by the door, with the strangest expression on her face.

“I’m not expecting anyone at this time, its lunch soon.” I wasn’t one to meet people during my lunch hour. I had better things to do, like eating.

“Ehm… The person is outside waiting for you, demanding to see you actually.” Now Linda was definitely nervous.

“Who…” But my question was cut short as I heard someone shouting outside.

“Sammy Jo! Get out this instance or I’m coming in to get you!” Even though the sound came eight stories down through a thick window I could hear him.

“Bobby.”

I took the steps that separated me from the window, and looked out. There, eight stories down, next to the entrance to the building I worked in, stood Robert “Bobby” Hanagan. The sound I earlier thought to be a lawnmower was his piece-of-crap truck. My heart sunk in my chest.

“Sam, is that man down by the entrance looking for YOU?”

As I turned around I could see Jason standing next to Linda in the doorway. Oh crap!

“Jason, honey. Hmm, yes it’s me that man is looking for.” I didn’t want to say anything more. This was already too awkward, all my colleagues and my boss…

“What…” He was about to ask the question I wasn’t willing to answer. “I’ll take care of it.” I walk up to Jason, gave him a soft kiss and kept walking. “I’m taking an early lunch if someone asks.”

I kept walking through my section and felt the intense glares of everyone I passed on the way. I could hear whispers, everyone mentioning that name I hated, Sammy Jo.

Outside everything seemed so normal, nothing out of place, except the huge truck in the middle of the parking lot. I could see two security guys talking to Bobby. Good, I thought, maybe I don’t have to say anything to him. Then I suddenly froze. The security guards were laughing, almost bending over. What IS going on?

Suddenly Bobby spotted me. “Well there you are Sammy Jo. I’ve waited long enough you know.” Still being the perfect gentleman.

The security guards walked towards me and one of them said: “This guy is HYSTERICAL, the stuff he keeps saying.”

“He’s a keeper.” The other one was still laughing.

When the guards kept walking I felt insecure. Just me and Bobby, not a situation I wanted to relive.

“Bobby, what the heck are you doing here? I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again.” My voice was cold as ice.

“Baby, don’t be like that. I came back because I’m not going back without you.” He was still smiling, like this was some game to him.

“Well sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not going anywhere with you.” I was just about to turn around when he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. He grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me closer, in the next second I felt his lips on mine.

I quickly pulled away and slapped him.

“Feisty, just like I want it.” Bobby was still smiling, about to burst into laughter.

“Don’t ever touch me again! How dare you show up here and force yourself upon me.” I was boiling inside for his intrusion, for his lack of manners. His kiss was just another sign of his indiscretion. Stupid, stupid man. Everyone I knew in my new life was watching as my past caught up with me. As if the situation wasn’t bad enough I heard someone else call out my name.

“Sam?” It was Jason. I turned around and saw him hurry out the front doors to the office.

“Oh is this him? The one you’ve replaced me with.” I could feel Bobby’s mood rise even higher. He was walking towards Jason. “You’re together with this pencil pusher.”

I put out my hand to stop Bobby, and for once he knew it was serious. “You get into that car, we’re leaving, now!” It was the only thing I could do now to save the last pieces of self respect I had left.

I turned around to leave and I could hear Jason still talking to me. “Where are you going?” He sounded surprised and hurt.

I turned my head slightly just to say: “I’m sorry Jason, but I have to take care of this, I’ll tell you everything later.” My voice was shaky, but I didn’t stop. I jumped into Bobby’s truck and he drove away.

“Good girl Sammy, I knew you would do as told, one way or another.” Bobby kept driving, looking at me with distasteful thoughts.

“What the hell was that good for?! Trying to ruin my life the second time around are we?”

He didn’t answer; instead he pulled up by a motel by the highway. He put the car in park and stepped out. I tried to get him to talk to me, but he just kept walking across the parking lot.

“You stop at this instance Robert, I’m talking to you!” I didn’t budge and at the sound of his name he stopped and turned around. He looked at me, furious. Suddenly he started walking towards me again, and before I had the time to react, we were standing face to face.

“So you’ve decided that it’s time to open up now. How about doing that before you left and just left me a note saying you couldn’t stay.” His words hurt but I didn’t budge.

“I tried to tell you so many times, but you didn’t listen.” Now I felt like the bad guy.

“So this doesn’t mean anything to you anymore?” He pulled out my wedding ring from his pocket. His anger was gone, now replaced by a desperate plea. “Just come back, what happen to forever?”

“That’s unfair.” I was trying to find the right words.

“What’s unfair is you leaving without warning. I came home one day to a note and your wedding ring next to it.”

“Bobby, I told you this was not what I wanted, remember? When you asked me that question I told you yes, but only if I got to do it my way, and you agreed.” Now it felt like I was pleading. “I told you I didn’t want to be that girl that marries her high school sweetheart, gets pregnant a couple years later and settles for the easy life in the country with white picket fences and a dog. I told you, but you didn’t listen.”

I could see the agony in his eyes, but this time I wasn’t going to give in. I’d done so for eight years and I had felt miserable for almost all that time.

“I promise I’ll change. I’ll truly try this time.” His voice was getting stronger. He wasn’t budging but neither was I.

“You’ll try for a few months, then there’ll be the talk about family, you’ll invite your parents and they’ll talk about how much they’d like grandchildren, and I’ll be trapped in a corner, yet again. I want something else out of life than just staying at home with kids.”

“And that Jason will be able to provide that for you? He can give you everything I can’t?” He was making it personal.

“Yes, Bobby. Is that what you want to hear? Jason understands how driven I am. He understands that I want to make a difference in the world, and he doesn’t try to force something on me I don’t want. He sees me as his equal.” The last thing was too much, and I knew it immediately I’d said it.

“Equals? I love you, and I regard you higher than myself, you’re everything to me Sammy.” He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him.

“That’s the problem. I needed you to be my partner; that we’d talk about our needs and wants. You just assumed I wanted the same things as you. I didn’t think about it in the beginning because I just wanted to be near you, but you’d already experienced more because you are older than me. My Mom said I shouldn’t marry you until I’d seen the world and knew I just wanted to be with you. But it has changed now.” I pushed him away from me and turned around. I could feel the tears, but I would shed anymore for him. Deciding to leave the first time was hard enough.

Bobby took my hand and spun me around so that I was facing him again. He had a look of sheer desperation on his face. He took my face between his hands and leaned into to me. Gently he kissed me. The kiss was filled with longing and love. I was the first one to pull away. My hands were on his chest but I lowered my gaze. I could taste the salty sensation of tears in my mouth. I cried for the good times, but I also cried for all the times I wanted to run as fast as I could and scream as loud as I could because I wasn’t happy.

“Tell me you don’t love me after that.” His voice was barely a whisper, and when I looked up I could see he was crying to.

“It’s not about that. I do love you. I love you so much it hurts. Do you think it was easy leaving you? Do you think it was easy buying that bus ticket without looking back? You don’t even know how many times I wanted to turn back, but sometimes love isn’t enough. I wasn’t happy; I hadn’t been for a long time. I regretted leaving you every day for several months, but gradually I felt alive again, doing something I loved. It’s a different kind of life I live now. I don’t love Jason, but I like him. He comforted me and I’m happy.” My heart was aching when I spoke the words, but I knew they were necessary.

“I love you so much Sam, please come home.” He lowered his head and leaned towards me so that our foreheads met. I could feel his steady breathing.

“I love you too Bobby, but I can’t come back. I deserve to be happy, and so do you. You’ll find someone who wants children and a big family; you’ll find someone to be happy with. That person just isn’t me.”

“Sam…” His voice shifted again, it sounded beaten, and like he finally understood the thing it had taken me years to figure out - we were too different to live as one. It was time to move on.

”I know…and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the misery I put you through, but I truly believe we’ll both be happy someday.” I took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“This is goodbye then.” I took all my self control not to fall into his arms again, but I stayed strong.

“Yes Robert, it is. I wish…” I wished a lot but what to say.

“I wish that it was different, but remember I’ll always love, no matter what.” He leaned into me and we kissed, one final time. “I love you Sammy Jo.”

“I love you too Bobby.”

Bobby stayed by the parking lot as I stepped into a cab, and as it drove away I allowed myself a final glance.

Bobby would be my greatest love, but facing a new future didn’t feel less important. Starting over was all I had now.