Stay Strong, Cherish the Memories, Accept the Sadness and Push Forward

”You can't be serious. Clark, you can't tell her” I said.
”I love her Irina” He said.
”I know you do Clark but” I didn't know what to say.
”I'm thinking about asking her to marry me” He added.
My eyes grew wide ”Really?!” I exclaimed and jumped into his arms doing a complete 180.
~
I brushed my dark brown hair into a ponytail, I corrected my black shirt and tried concealing the red puffy eyes of mine with makeup.
~
Everyone’s attention was on the TV where a man was just about to announce who had won the run for senator.
We cheered and clapped as he said that Jonathan had won.
Jonathan and Martha walked up to Me and Clark.
”Congratulations Senator” I was one of the first to congratulate him.
”Thank you Irina” He said as he gave me a quick hug.
~
I decided to go find Clark, he was probably in the barn getting ready.
Walking up the stairs in the barn I heard sobbing, I stopped and thought that maybe I shouldn't go up there but I ignored that thought and walked all the way up.
Clark was standing in front of a mirror trying to tie his tie, he was not succeeding.
”Here, Let me” I said and spun him around to help with the tie.
I held back my tears the best I could.
~
”Mr Kent, Mr Kent Look” My four year old self shouted out to him whilst running towards Mr Kent who was fixing a fence.
He looked up from his work with a huge smile across his face, He caught me as I ran straight into him.
”Little Irina Devereux what do you have here?” He asked as he placed me on his lap.
”It's a book about farm animals” I said proudly.
”Why yes it is” He said and we opened the book to look through it.
~
”Irina?” Clark said snapping me back into reality.
I felt where the tears had rolled down my cheeks, I was crying even though I had promised myself that I would only do that at the funeral.
”I'm sorry” I said and wiped the tears away.
”You don't have to apologize, I know how much me meant to you to” Clark said.
I gave him a weak smile” Remember that time we were ten and your mom was baking cookies”
”And we stole every single one which ended in upset stomachs for us and my mom told us that it was what happened when you steal cookies” Clark continued.
”Then your dad tucked us in and read us a story, when he was done we felt fine” I finished.
We laughed together at that memory with tears still in our eyes.
”He was a great man, He'll be missed” I assured him wiping a tear away on his face.
~
”Mr Kent” My five year old self shouted whilst running towards the Kent farm.
”Little Irina, What can I do for you today?” He asked smiling.
”I read that book about farm animals many times now, Can I help you now?” I eagerly asked.
”I was just about to look over the calves, You can come with me if you want” He said.
I took his hand and we walked into the barn.
~
”Thank you” Clark said and hugged me.
”For what?” I asked.
”For being here for me” Clark said.
”You were there for me” I said.
”Well I tried” Clark said.
-
”I''m sorry to have to inform you that your mother has drowned” The officer sitting in our kitchen said to my mother.
My mom started crying and I zoned out looking out the window, the officer was asking questions and my mother answered the best she could.
My world had come crashing down in less than a minute, my thoughts where running amok and I couldn't focus on anything.
When the officer left I walked back up to my room. Later that day Lana called.
”I'm so sorry Irina” I could tell that she had been crying ”I just heard”
-
The funeral was beautiful, many nice things were said, tears were shed and flowers placed around the grave.
I held Clarks hand through the whole thing, his grip tightened a few times but it was really nice.
He never asked Lana to marry him. She couldn't be there for him since they were fighting.
She wanted to know what he was hiding from her, Clark had changed his mind about telling her.
He told me about re-winding time and changing it, I felt sorry for Clark he really loved her but his secret was driving them apart.
~
During the next few days I lived with Clark and Martha helping them with whatever they needed
Clark was on an avoiding trip and it took him to many places. It was only after Martha being mugged and Jonathan's watch stolen he finally faced his feelings.
It was good for him, he needed to vent.
”I made breakfast” I said as I heard Clark come down the stairs” Your mom had an early meeting so I offered to make you breakfast”
I turned to give him the plate with eggs, bacon and toast.
”Thank you” He said and sat down to eat.
”Here you go” I said whilst pouring him some newly squeezed orange juice.
”You'll make a good wife someday” Clark said and smiled at me.
”Thank you, I guess” I laughed nervously and blushed before turning to the dishes.
”So how are you feeling?” I asked trying to get a conversation going.
”I'll survive” Clark said.
”Are you sleeping better?” I asked.
”It's getting there” Clark said.
I turned around to look at him” Have you dreamt about him?”
”No, not yet” He said and looked down.
”I can tell when you're lying to me” I said in an effort to try getting him to cut out the bullshit.
He kept on looking down, this aggravated me.
”I know how you feel, Clark I've been there” I said tears forming in my eyes” You walk around with this feeling in your heart that there's something you could've done to stop it, that somehow it's all your fault. You can't tell anybody about it because they'll just say you're being silly that it's not your fault and there's nothing you could've done, yet it feels so real it's like the feeling is haunting you striking whenever it can destroying you”
Clark's eyes were starting to water as well.
”After grams died I had this really annoying dream” I paused my voice was hoarse and I sobbed heavily ”I was standing somewhere, she was there to. I ran over and hugged her, I sobbed 'I love you' to her over and over again. I needed her to tell her, I needed her to know how much she meant to me. She didn't reply, she didn't say anything back.”
Clark took my hand in his and gave me an apologetic look.
”When I woke up I was still devastated, I thought seeing her even in a dream would ease the pain I was feeling but no. I started analyzing it and I realized what it meant.” I said.
”What, what did you realize?” Clark asked looking really curious.
”I had been clinging onto her for dear life, not accepting the fact that she was dead. I wished that somehow she was still out there. I had these really unrealistic thoughts that she was maybe in witness protection and she'd come back to us when it was all over” I laughed at my own stupidity.
”I can understand” Clark said and squeezed my hand.
I looked up at him ”Then I realized what she was trying to tell me in my dream, by staying silent she was telling me that she really was dead because the dead don't speak anymore.”
Clark gave me a tissue and I dried my tears away.
”I talked to her on the phone a few hours before it happened. I was at my uncle's house, you know we don't have that much contact but it was getting better and my grams was so happy about that. So she said that we'd talk tomorrow she didn't want to interrupt anything.” I broke down crying.
In a split second Clark was hugging me from behind.
”You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to” Clark said.
”I don't have to talk about it if you don't want to hear, I should be helping you. I'm such a bad friend” I sobbed.
”No you're not, I think you need to talk about this” Clark said.
”The last thing I ever said to her was 'Bye, I'll talk to you tomorrow'” I cried even harder now, tears were falling down my cheeks like Niagara falls ”I never got to call her and I never got to tell her how much I love her”
”I think she knows” Clark said stroking my hair.
”I hope so” I said.
”What do we do now?” Clark asked.
”There's only one thing we can do. We stay strong, cherish the memories, accept the sadness and push forward” I said
~

”I heard you may be able to help me” I said to Lance.
”Yeah and how may I be able to help you” He asked still reading a medical book.
”I heard you can kill people and then bring them back” I said bluntly.
Lance looked up at me with a surprised look ”And who might have told you this?”
”A friend of mine” I said not wanting to reveal that Lana had told me.
”And does this friend of yours have a name?” He asked.
”Can you help me?” I asked getting annoyed by the 20 questions game that was going on.
”Two grand, you tell me who told you about this and the promise that you won't tell anyone” Lance said.
”Deal” I quickly accepted.
”Tonight, seven in the med room” He said before getting up and leaving.
I now only had one more problem, where would I get the money?

The Luthor mansion was only two minutes away now I didn't want to do this but I needed the money, I needed to see her.
”Lex, are you home?” I shouted as I entered.
I walked straight to his office, I knew he'd be there and I was right.
”Well this is a surprise” He said looking up from his book.
”Hi Lex” I said awkwardly, it had been a long time since I'd been here and talked to him.
Ever since we broke up things had gotten so complicated and awkward. So we didn't speak and we avoided each other as much as possible.
”What brings you here, I haven't seen you in a while” He said putting his book down focusing his attention on me.
I looked around the room and found it to look just the same now as when we were dating.
”I don't have time to fool around or play games” I took a deep breath ”I need to borrow some money, no questions asked.”
”How much?” Lex asked.
I was relieved that he was not giving me a hard time ”Two grand”.
”Ok” He got up and walked to the safe, he entered the combination and opened the door.
This was going way too easy.
”Here you go” He said handing me the money.
”Just like that?” I said.
”I have no right to ask you things, consider this a I'm sorry” Lex said.
”Thank you” I said and left to my meeting with Lance.
~
”You have the money?” Lance asked.
”Yes, here” I gave him the envelope.
He looked in it and counted the money, ”It's all here, let's get down to business”.
He instructed me to lay down on a stretcher.
”I'll first inject you with one mixture to well, with lack of better word , kill you and then the other to bring you back. You have a minute and fifty seconds, so use them wisely” Lance said.
I nodded and he injected me.

I was standing on a rock overlooking the ocean, this was a familiar place. I hadn't been here since before it happened. Tears were already forming in my eyes, even before I saw her.
Time was getting wasted, I turned around and there she was.
I couldn't believe my eyes, she looked just like I remembered her. Her red brownish short hair, her blue eyes, her small frame and really warm smile.
”Grams” I sobbed.
”It's really me” She said softly walking closer to me.
I couldn't move, paralyzed by the sadness in my heart.
She was standing right in front of me.
”Why, Why did you leave me?” I asked crying.
”Sweetie, I didn't want to” She said ”Accidents happen so easily, I slipped, hit my head and fell into the water.”
”I really miss you in my life, I have no one to talk to” I cried.
”Yes you do, you have very good friends. Talk to them, open up and let them now exactly how you feel. Don't hide behind that strong and brave mask you put on” She said.
I could feel myself being pulled, my time was almost over.
”I Love you so much!” I said and threw myself at her, hugging her tightly.
”I know and I love you to” She said.
I opened my eyes and found myself looking into Clark's eyes.
”Irina?” He said.
”I saw her” I shouted and then lowered my voice to a whisper ”I finally got to tell her that I loved her”
Clark had one hand on mine and the other on my cheek, he had a pained look on his face.
I was crying really hard but I could feel the pain melt away, I had finally got it off my chest.