Take the Leap

Self control. The whole word was something I obviously did not possess. Not that it always was a bad thing; it could make me more spontaneous in my everyday basic life. My sister, little sister at that was always telling me to stop being so boring. So I’d tried to do things another way every now and then, but this surely took the prize.

The whole story began almost a year ago when I changed places of work. I’d gotten tired of my job at a local cafeteria, just looking for a new challenge. So what did I do? Well I took a job at a new grocery store, opening just at the end of November that year.

There was a lot to do when opening a medium sized store, so the weeks leading up to the grand opening, we stocked shelf after shelf, trying to get everything done on time. It wasn’t all bad though, the people I worked with were the best coworkers you could wish for, helping you out if you needed any help.

I quickly found myself being the youngest of the bunch at the age of 21, while most were in their late thirties, early forties. We were 16 working at the store, and out of those three were under thirty: me, a 26 year old girl named Hannah and a 24 year old boy named Rudolph.

I remember the way we got talking. It was just after closing hour after the first day. We were all still hanging out at the store, laughing and talking about the grand opening. I was talking to Hannah about something, I really don’t remember what, but suddenly we started talking about how red her ears had gotten. Then I came up with the “funniest” joke ever, saying how she reminded me of Rudolph – the red nosed reindeer, just with her ears.

“It’s just like Rudolph, the reindeer, only with your ears…” We were both about to laugh when we were interrupted.

“Yeah! Very funny with the reindeer joke!” It was Rudolph talking of course, and stupid I hadn’t thought about the connection.

Hannah quickly turned away as Rudolph took a step closer to me.

I could feel my cheeks flush. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Of course you didn’t.” He didn’t sound angry but I didn’t know what to say. “Just don’t do it again.” Now he gave me a smile.

“I guess you’ve heard them all.” I was trying to relieve the tension.

“Yeah, and yours wasn’t even that clever.”

“I know, I’m not usually that witty anyway.” He was laughing.

“It wasn’t that bad, but in the future, just call me Rudy.” He reached out his hand and I grabbed it.

“Nice to meet you Rudy.”

…

Ever since that time he spoke to me we’d had it easy chatting up by the check out. Usually there were a lot of customers in the evenings when our shifts started, but sometimes we were lucky and could relax and just chat about everyday stuff. I liked it for some reason, maybe a bit too much than I should. Rudy was just such a fascinating character, and since I didn’t have that many guy friends it was sometimes fun to notice how much we had in common. We both liked the same kind of movies, and therefore it was never difficult finding a topic to discuss.

I remember this one time; we were sitting at the checkout counters, back to back. The evening was quite slow with not much to do, so I was arranging the bills in my cash register as I usually do when I’m bored, and suddenly Rudy was leaning into me just a bit closer than anyone ever before. I remember feeling a sudden chill going down my spine and my whole body shuddering. It was over in the next second, like it never happened, but from that moment on I was more aware of his presence than before.

I remember reasoning to myself that I wasn’t interested in him. He was just not someone I could fall for – he was a smoker, he drank energy drinks like twice a day, and he was addicted to computer games. He said that he usually went to bed at three a.m. and woke up ten minutes before work.

I’m not interested in this guy.

But there was more. He would walk the same way home with me. He actually lived like 500 meters from the store and I lived 3 km further away, but that distance we shared we would walk together. He would also give me nicknames like Cam or Cammie or maybe the strangest I’d heard so far in my life Camp one. My actual name is Cameron, so I can accept Cam or Cammie, but Camp one? Seriously! I told him off the first time he called me that, and of course now he won’t call me anything else.

…

About four months after the grand opening the staff started noticing that the store wasn’t running as smoothly as they were hoping, and even after speaking with Frank, some were still not quite satisfied. In the month that followed, five people quit or found other job offers elsewhere. Frank had a hard time finding people managing the aisles, so my and Rudy’s hard work was finally paying off. I’d started managing the fruit and vegetable section and Rudy was helping out by the fresh meat section.

I was still struggling with this small crush I had on him when one day we got talking about some random subject, and suddenly he told me he had a girlfriend. I didn’t react and we just kept on talking before he had to return to his duties. So I wasn’t really sad about the news as I wasn’t really that interested in him, but I still sighed just a bit after he’d told me.

We continued as before, just that he managed to slip in his girlfriend in some of our conversations. She sounded really nice, she was studying to become a surgeon, she was actually an intern and he told me about patients that she had told him about. It sounded intriguing, and sometimes I thought it would be kind of cool to be a doctor, I just lacked the brain capacity for it.

One day, I think it was about a week before Easter. I’d just emptied like a hundred boxes of fruit, and I’d gone to the loading dock to throw the boxes into a huge container for cardboard. Halfway through the process Rudy joined me outside.

“Need any help?” He sounded like he was thinking about something completely different.

“No, I’m fine.” It was actually wearing me down, first I had to lift the heavy boxes, then empty them out and now throwing them out, but I knew he would tease me about it if I asked for help or complained about it.

So he sat down on some boxes and lit up a cigarette. The smell wasn’t the greatest, but by now I was used to it. At least he couldn’t smoke inside.

“Doing anything fun on your Easter break?” I was trying to make some small talk to distract myself from the pain in my arms. For each box I emptied and threw away it got worse.

“I’m going out of town.” Rudy lit up his second cigarette after dropping the first one. I could hear him curse under his breath and my lips creaked up to a smile.

“Oh, that sounds fun. Meeting up some pals and having a blast are we?” My statement afterwards sounded so wrongly placed, but I really thought he was meeting some of his friends. He often told me about some random party he’d gone to over the weekends.

“No I’m going to see Sadie (his girlfriend) at the hospital there.” He sounded so calm that I just assumed that she’d broken her leg or something in that area.

“Oh, what’s wrong with her?”

“She’s got cancer.” As he said it I could feel my heart turn to stone. I took a deep breath to steady myself and turned around carefully, as if a sudden movement would scare him.

“What?” I had no words, there were no words to say, what could I say, nothing would change anyway.

“She’s got leukemia.” My heart shattered into a million pieces, this was even worse.

I took a step closer. “I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know what to say in a situation like this. I mean my granddad had died of cancer, but I was like ten at the time and it wasn’t expected from me to say anything. “How are you coping?”

He looked up as he answered. “Well sometimes I just feel like crying, I mean she never had any indication that anything was wrong. I just remember that she would easily get bruises on her legs and arms, these huge bruises. And one day she just went to check them out and they told her she had leukemia. It helps to work though, to get my mind off the matter.”

“I hope she gets better quickly.” I kept my voice steady, but I knew if I moved my knees would wobble.

“Yeah, she has a 50 percent chance of making it, so it’s really good news that they found it this early.” He sounded so hopeful, but I didn’t feel as reassured, only 50 percent chance of making it. It would be just a high chance of not making it. My granddad had a 70 percent chance of making it, and leukemia is probably one of the toughest forms of cancer. Or at least I would think so.

“That’s good.” I gave him a faint smile, hoping he wouldn’t notice my hesitation.

After that Rudy just stood up and went back inside. I stayed a while longer outside, not knowing what to do. I couldn’t have a crush on him now. I couldn’t compete against a cancer sick girlfriend. That would be completely wrong. Wouldn’t it?

…

Rudy continued normally after our conversation. He didn’t bring the topic up again, but I still felt uneasy knowing something so personal about a coworker. I mean, you talk to them as friends, but I’d never said much about my personal life. My coworkers knew me, but not intimately. I sort of felt closer to Rudy after he’d revealed his secret and showed me a personal feeling, but I couldn’t act upon it. Luckily I had little experience with guys in general, so even without the sick girlfriend card; I would never reveal my cards. I just wasn’t that brave.

As the first week of August came around Rudy’s mood had stayed positive, so I guessed that his girlfriend was still feeling well. I had a week of vacation to enjoy before returning to work at full force. I would have even more responsibility as my boss and his wife (who was also working at the store) would be going on a holiday. It was probably just what they needed, because they were both at the store almost every day of the week.

I would then take care of both the vegetable section and the bread section. It would mean twice as much work, but I would be able to handle it. Rudy would help me with the vegetables and fruits as well as taking care of the meat.

Monday morning in August, and the weather outside was hot as hell, even at six o’clock in the morning. I’d come to work by bike with just shorts and a t-shirt on, and I was still sweating. Now it would have been nice to work in the dairy section, enjoying the cooler temperatures. But no, instead I would be baking bread and lifting heavy boxes all day long.

I was early that day and entered the vegetable and fruit fridge as fast as I could. It wasn’t as cool as in the dairy fridge, but it was still cooler than in the store at the moment. The fridge wasn’t very big, but somehow it was still filled with all kinds of produce. I remember opening one of the two doors to the storage to be able to lift out a larger amount of boxes.

I had my back to the doors as I bent down to pick up a couple of boxes with bananas. Suddenly I felt that I wasn’t alone anymore. Quickly I set aside the boxes at hand and turned around. Rudy was standing by the open door. This fine morning he looked like he’d stood up from his bed and gone to work. His brown hair stood up and it seemed he hadn’t shaved in a few days or so. His eyes were puffy and a bit red.

“Late night huh?” I looked him in the eyes and smiled.

“You could say that.” His voice was a bit coarse, like he hadn’t spoken in a while. His face turned into a smirk as he looked around the storage I was standing in. “You have some work to do today I see.”

“You’re free to help me.” I turned around, picked up the two boxes from before and shoved them into his arms.

“I’m glad to help.” Was his answer, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

He left and I started arranging the boxes in the order I wanted to stock the aisles. Rudy helped me lift some of the boxes before he continued to the meat section.

We had an early lunch to have time with all our duties for the day. After lunch I put some bread in the oven so that they would be ready before the afternoon rush. While the breads were baking, I continued to the vegetable and fruit storage. I still had some boxes left, so I decided to get them out before I left for the day.

The rest of the staff went to have lunch, so it was just me and Rudy at the back, looking through the inventory. Rudy had finished with the meat so I was hoping he would help me now. I started pulling on a box filled with pineapples. The box was heavy and it took all my strength to get to even move.

I didn’t hear Rudy entering, but when he grabbed my shoulders I knew he was there. I quickly let go of the box, it was stuck halfway, and turned around. I did it a bit quick because now I was facing Rudy, just a bit too close. I could hear him breathing heavily and his breath smelled of coke and peppermint.

“What are you…” My heart started beating faster and I felt chills going down my spine. He was leaning in even closer.

He didn’t say anything; he just kept looking at me.

“Wait!” I was trying to push him away, I felt truly uncomfortable with the whole situation, and he had a girlfriend for goodness sakes.

Instead he pushed me against the back wall of the storage. With my back against the wall there was nowhere for me to go. Then he let go of my shoulders and took my face in his hands. I could feel sparks in the air, that’s how loaded the situation was. He was still looking at me, his face now inches from mine.

When I looked closer at his eyes, I could now see that he’d been crying. Oh no, that means something’s happened to his girlfriend. “Rudy, I…” I was trying to make him let me go.

Then he leaned into me and our lips met, he was actually kissing me.

The kiss was at the same time intense and gentle. There was something desperate in his kissing and I was trying to pull away from him, but instead he pressed his body against me, giving me no choice but to stand still.

The thing about self control is that when you face a situation you’re not expecting you have no clue what to do. When Rudy continued kissing me without any hesitation, all I wanted was to let go. I mean I did like Rudy more than I should. And now, when I could feel his lips moving over mine, I let go.

Self control. Looking at it now I feel like I should have turned away, but I didn’t.

Rudy gave me a moment to catch my breath before our lips met again, this time without any hesitation from my part. His hands moved from my face down my shoulders and to my waist. I let out a sigh before grabbing him and pulling him even closer than he already was. My head was empty but my heart was doing all the work.

The moment was interrupted when I heard the buzzer going off by the loading dock; the last delivery for the day had arrived. Rudy quickly pulled away and left the storage room. I finally had some time to think about what the heck had just happened.

I slowly slid down against the wall and was stuck there, sitting on the floor. My lips felt swollen, like we’d been kissing for a longer time than we actually did. My head and heart were reacting quite differently to the situation at hand. On one hand I felt happy, happy about just kissing the guy I really like, because after the denial one thing was quite clear – I liked Rudy too much for my own good.

On the other hand I felt awful. Something was obviously wrong. Rudy loved his girlfriend that much was clear from all the conversations we’d had in the past. I was also sure that Rudy had been crying recently. When I stood up I suddenly hit me, this awful thought, his girlfriend hadn’t made it.

I tried not to think about the surprising events of the day and finished my duties for the day. I took a final look at my section before I went to change and go home for the day. I didn’t see Rudy anymore that day after the, umm, incident.

…

But this one incident didn’t stop at just that one time. It happened the next few days as well. It happened just after lunch, the one time we were completely alone and no one was there to interrupt. Every time he just walked up to me without a word, and started kissing me. The first two times I tried to ask him about it, was something wrong, why was he doing this, but every time he stayed quiet.

At the end of the workweek I came to understand that he needed this, to get his mind of whatever was going on in his life, and so I just let go. I forgot all about my own feelings, trying just to satisfy his. The make out sessions grew more and more intense for each day, and it was difficult to let him go when something broke the enchantment that had risen around us.

On Friday, the last workday for the week, my knees felt wobbly after the latest set of kisses. I’d finished early on my section, so I was helping my coworker in the dairy section. It was nice to be in the cold fridge for a while, it felt like my thoughts had frozen in place, and I was free from worry just for a while.

When I left I couldn’t see Rudy anywhere, so I felt the coast was clear. I took my bike and rode home. I spent the rest of the day cleaning, trying not to think about him, but somehow he and his touch and kisses crept up the entire time. I gave up after nine p.m. and lied down on my couch to watch some random program until I was tired enough to go to sleep.

Suddenly my phone rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so surprised I picked it up and answered. I didn’t know whose number it was, so I thought that maybe it was some phone retailer, calling this late.

It was Rudy. My heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice. He’d been drinking I could tell, because I didn’t understand half of what he was saying. He kept repeating, let me in.

“Where are you? You should go to bed.” I was trying to reason with him but he didn’t listen.

“I’m outside.” His words were clear as the night sky outside.

“Outside where?” I had a bad feeling about his answer.

“I’m outside your apartment building.” His words weren’t as slurry as before.

My heart froze and I moved out on my balcony. Three stories down I could see Rudy sitting by the bench outside. He looked up and smiled.

“Let me in.” Were the words coming out of my phone. I hung up and went downstairs.

I hesitated by the front door. I could see him waiting by the door and he was smiling that adorable smile. Self control Cameron, that’s what’s lacking in your life, was the last reasonable thought I had before I moved towards the door and let him in. I took his hand and led him up the stairs and into my apartment.

He entered the apartment first and I turned my back to him as I shut the door. He hugged me from behind and he started kissing my neck. I could smell beer on his breath, but I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t say anything. I felt his breaths against the top of my head where he buried his face against my furry hair. He let out my hair since I had it in a ponytail while cleaning.

“Your hair smells nice.” His words sounded slurry but kind.

“Rudy, I don’t think this is a good idea.” I was glad I had my back against him when I spoke; otherwise I wouldn’t have had the confidence to utter them.

He turned me around so that we stood face to face. His eyes were still red and I felt bad. This should not be happening. But he didn’t say anything. Instead he lifted me up to his level (He was about 15 cm taller than me) and kissed me. I could feel that he was moving me, and before I could do anything he’d carried me to my bedroom.

“Rudy, no…You don’t want to do this.” He laid me down on the bed as he took off his shoes and jacket. I sat up on the bed.

He sat down next to me and did not utter one word. He put his hand on my face and turned it towards him. He kissed me again, and I couldn’t help but kiss him back. I could taste the beer on him but in that moment I didn’t care, I just wanted to kiss him and never stop. Slowly he pressed me down against the covers of the bed.

I quickly moved a bit further away from him. My bed is almost a queen size, so I lay down next to the wall while Rudy stayed on the other end of the bed. He did not continue kissing me; instead he reached for my hand and held it tight.

“What happened?” My words were just above a whisper.

“Sadie didn’t make it.” His voice sounded steady but his hand tightened around mine. He turned towards me, so I turned in his direction until we were facing each other.

“I’m so sorry.” There was nothing else I could say.

“Yeah. Me too.” I could see a tear fall from his eye and my heart started aching. I couldn’t imagine the pain he was going through. “I just don’t want to be alone.”

I let go of his hand and moved closer to him. I put my hand on his face and wiped away the tear. “You don’t have too.” He slowly embraced me and pulled me closer to him. In that moment I didn’t care about Sadie, my own feelings or what tomorrow might bring. I just didn’t want him hurting, so I kissed him this time, and I wouldn’t let go.