Blood and Snow

"Happy birthday to me," I whispered to myself, unenthused by the entire affair. 22 years on this miserable earth with nothing to show for it but scars and my tally marks. Every year I use an ink pen and knife to tattoo a tally mark to keep track of how many years it has passed since I was split with my mother and my father killed himself. It had been 12 years since I last seen my mother. I had been tracking her for years, once I found one of her books, but she was long gone. I was getting closer, she was leaving hints, wanting to be found but not exactly looking for us. I looked at my siblings, sleeping soundly in the apartment that we had found. They had grown so much, known so much pain. They were all I had and I was everything to them.

I did my best to keep them safe, fed and better adjusted than I am. They never had to make the sacrifices that I had, I would never ask them to do what I do. In all reality I had blood on my hands that no amount of water could scrub away. Living in the dying world, it is easy to lose sight of humanity. At times I can get down right mean, not that I mean to.

We were in the city, caught here when the van ran out of gas. We were living in the highest apartment, the word 'Penthouse', written on the door when I entered. Whoever was staying here sure liked shiny stuff. The whole house was covered in a dark yellow metal that I had never seen before in my life. The fridge had a drawer full of alcohol and what tasted like sour grape juice.

As the kids slept, I explored. This house was full of strange things that I had only dreamed of and read about in my mother's books. I walked into the bathroom and admired the dark yellow metal toilet. I hadn't seen a toilet in a little over a year, we very rarely left our cars, only to siphon gas from abandoned cars or to hunt for food. I turned around and was brought face to face with my own reflection for the first time in years. My black hair was matted in long locks and the scar on my face was highlighted by the dirt that covered my skin. My blue eyes seemed wild, almost a strangers compared to the calm that they once held as a child. My features were cat like, animalistic in a way. I turned away, I wasn't that innocent naive child I was the last time I saw a full length mirror. In the past years I had seen things and done things to protect my group that would make would have made me cry as a child. I wasn't that little girl anymore, she died in that chapel.

The clatter of claws on a tiled floor filled the room and I didn't have to turn around to know that it was Micca, coming to check on me. She had been circling the apartment for hours while we slept. Uncle Dan slept near the door to the room that the kids slept in. Damien was sitting wide eyed and watching me from in the adjoining bedroom. He was a restless, sleepless person just like me. Sleep never came easy. We only found our rest while in the van, usually curled up in the back while Uncle Dan was driving.

The rest of the group was scattered around the house taking up couches, the other bedrooms and every other surface in between. I looked over our group, people on tables, counters and the floor. There were twenty of us in total, every single able bodied man woman and child who could wield, was given a weapon. The others prefered guns, not to bad of a method, however I on the other hand used knives and other handheld weapons. They were quiet and face to face. For me this was extremely personal. Death was all I've ever known and it was all I was good at. Micca stood behind me and I looked down at her face. I traced the pink scar on her nose and smiled. I was happy I had saved her that night. She was a good dog, she hunted and most the time when she would run off she'd return with a cat or weasel.

She was good company. She was quiet and trained to listen when she was given orders, even when it isn't what she wants to do. She reminded me of Fido, so much. He was such a good dog, he listened and was always there for me with kisses when I was sad and a warm body to cuddle up to when we were still living in the snow land. I wished he was still here to see how far we had come. He met his end peacefully in his sleep 6 years, It seems he taught Micca well enough. She was just as loyal and loving.

"Happy birthday, what did you wish for this year?"

"The same as every year, an end to it all." He knew exactly what I was referring to. He grabbed my hand and turned my arm wrist up, my bold black tally marks were clear to see even on my tanned skin. He looked at all of them, his fingers traced the newest one, still scabbed over and the pain was still fresh. No one understood why I did it, but no one dared to stop me while I was holding the knife and pen either. I pulled my arm away and went back to petting Micca, her tail wagging. I pulled out a knife and I could hear Damien's breath catch in his throat. I looked at the sink, there was a scratching coming from within the cabinets underneath. I opened the door and before they could scurry off I skewered two of them with my knife, the rest ran away, but i managed to kill two rats with one knife. They weren't my favorite meal but when you are starving, anything is good as long as it goes fills your belly. I pulled them off and began gutting the small rats, I fed the end trails to Micca. Once the rats were skinned I brought them into the next room and crouched down next to a heavily sleeping Erica.

"Pst, hey look what I caught." I whispered and she didn't wake up. I poked her with the handle of my knife and she startled awake, her hand flying to her chest relieved that is was just me. She took the rats off of the knife and began stripping the meat from the bones and laying it out in long strips on a plate. She was making jerky, rat jerk. Tomorrow we would put them out on the dashboard of one of the vans to cook out in the sun. It was one of our more disgusting meals, but we eat what we find. I looked through the cabinets and felt as though I hit the jackpot. There was three cans of beans, they were long past expired, but we had mouths to feed and two rats weren't gonna do the job. As the bean meal was being cleaned and prepared, Damien and I sat at the table in the dining room. I couldn't remember the last time I sat at a table and ate.

It hadn't been since the hotel, I was 8 And dad left on one of his trips. Sometimes without any warning or reason he would leave. Be gone for days, but when he'd come back he would have flowers, toys and pretty dresses for mama and the rest of us girls. Just like that, no matter how mad mama would have been, it would be gone and she'd be happy again. This time Dad had been gone for nearly a month, Mama had assumed the worst. The days were spent in stony silence, she no longer spoke to any of us, all she did was sit in a chair in front of the window waiting for him to come home. She stopped eating and stopped feeding us. The neighbors took us in when they noticed her absence. He could have been alive but in her eyes I could see her mourning the loss. One day I was sitting at the table, coloring on a leaf when my father finally stumbled into the room. He was covered in blood and his usual smile was no where to be found. His eyes were wild like an animal and his movements were sudden fast jerks. Mama didn't greet him with hugs and kisses. Dad was never the same again and Mama never looked happy again.

"-before we leave in the morning." I snapped out of my revre, Damian was holding my hand and talking even though I hadn't heard a word he said.

"What I'm sorry I got distracted." I gave him a weak smile and pulled my hand away and decided to play with the frayed end of my shorts. I had been wearing them for a month straight and I was in need for an upgrade, they were blood stained and torn to bits. A shower wouldn't be such a bad idea either. My skin was covered and stained black by the blood of the undead.

"Hey, before we leave, do you think they'd allow us to stop and get some new clothes.? We don't go to town often and my clothes are falling apart."

"That is what I just said, Snow. You weren't paying attention at all were you?" I blushed, embarrassed that I had been caught spacing out, again.

"I'm sorry I just have so much on my mind. It's hard for me to focus. It's my um, uh what did my mom call it? A.D.D I can't help it." Damien smiled and nodded, that was why I wasn't allowed to drive, I had to focus on one thing for too long. Erica continued her work and Damien and I talked for hours. We talked about the only thing there was to talk about, the dead and the past. I didn't dig too far back, we became friends a year after our group separated.

"Hey you guys need to see this!" One of the guards barreled into the kitchen, his face was stricken with panic. Damien and I both stood and followed the guard to the front door. From behind the door, the distinct smell of the dead filled my nose and burned my eyes. In this heat the undead smelled to high heavens. I motioned for everyone to stay quiet. The screeches of the dead filled the hallway and I could hear them bouncing off the walls. They were looking for food and soon they were throwing themselves at a door, using their decrepit bodies as a battering ram. We had only two options, wait for them to break down our door and fight them then, or beat them to the punch and kill them in the hallway. To wait or not to wait? That was the question that was presented to us. We all stared at each other, waiting for someone to make up our minds.

"I'm not the patient type." I said as I grabbed my machete and threw Damien my personal favorite, the spiked baseball bat. Everyone flew into motion, waking our fighters, locking the kids in one room with Uncle Dan. If we all died, he would be the last line of defense. Ezra pushed his way to the front of the group. He was one of our best fighters and insisted to be one the front line of every fight, for everyone's safety. I stood beside him and Damien was never far behind. Waited for the room door to close, Micca, Uncle Dan and all of the kids safely behind it. I inhaled and didn't exhale until the door was opened. We ran into the hall, it was only a few steps before I reached the enemy line. The zombie whirled and pounced, dragging me to the ground. I used one arm to hold him back by his throat, the other thrust the blade deep into his abdomen and ripped him in half from the navel to what was left of his head. I kicked the body off and immediately jumped on the back of the closest zombie and slammed my blade deep into her skull. She was gone before she even hit the floor.

I got back to my feet and dropped my knife, the next closest was a child, his screeches were higher pitched than the others. I grabbed him by his neck and got to his level, his bony hands clawed at my arm. I shook my head and placed one hand in his hair and the other was cupped under his chin. With a quick jerk his body fell to the ground and I picked the knife off of the blood drenched floor. A mercy killing, just like Dad had taught me. I plunged the knife into the head of an unsuspecting zombie. Around me chaos was unraveling. The hallway was filled with battle cries, both living and undead. I watch the battle carry on we fought long and hard. Our efforts didn't go unrewarded. In the end we won, one two people bitten.

"What do we do with them? They cant come with us and I, sure as hell, am not sharing a room with the bitten. I vote extermination." I laid my opinion out on the table and walked away, leaving the others to convene. They knew my thoughts so I just stood back and watched, switching all of my hair from my bloody shoulder to a clean one. I wasn't too concerned with blood in my hair, that ship had sailed years ago. They discussed this for hours and it seemed like we were never going to agree.

"We kill them or leave them behind, those can't be our only options?" Damien slammed his fist on to the table, his eyes were filled with tears. One of the bitten was his friend Ezekiel. "What if we move all of our people to another location, someone stays here with them. When they change, they dispatch them. Then they regroup in the disclosed area? We don't kill the living."

"Good, do we have anyone who volunteers to stay behind with Mr. Panet?" I raised my hand but Uncle Dan forced it down and gave me the evil eye. I wanted to stay with Damien, make sure he was safe.

"I'll stay." Ezra volunteered. He stepped forward and there were several gasps from the group. We would be moving and we would have to leave without our best fighter. We packed our bags and lined up for roll call. As we filed out the door everyone said their goodbyes and well wishes to the four men. I curtly nodded the the others and wrapped Damien in the tightest hug I could. This would be the first time we were separating in 12 years. My heart sank and I felt as if this was the last time I'd see him and it might. He bent his head and kissed my forehead, the same way that he had since we were kids. It was a simple kiss, just a kiss for comfort that I had felt a million times before something big or scary happened.

"Be safe." I whispered, my voice cracking from the threat of tears. I watched as the others said their goodbyes. He hugged each one of my siblings as if they were his own flesh and blood. I single tear fell to the floor, splattering the the blood flooded floor. I watched as it soaked in and became one with the black sludge on the floor. As Uncle Dan was bear hugging Damien, Ezra pulled me aside. I looked around we were tucked into a private corner of the hall away from the others. His face was serious and mine, if I had to guess was confused and concerned.

"Listen, if we don't make it back, you need to stay strong. If I don't make it back, I-"

"Snow! Get your ass back over here!" Uncle Dan was glaring at me.

"What?" I looked back to Ezra, something clutched in his hand which he quickly put back in his pocket.

"It was just, I found this in there and I though, well I figured you might like it. He handed me a bracelet made from a shiny grey material. It was a thick braided metal with a delicate looking clasp. I put it on my wrist, with all of the other leather bracelets my mother, Damien and Uncle had given to me. The bright metal was a stark contrast to my blood stained skin and the other dark bracelets I had gathered over the years.

"Thank you." I briefly hugged him and stuck my hand in his pocket, pulling out the object that he had tried to keep from me. I pulled us apart and smiled and he smiled back. He hadn't noticed my thievery. I waked away and admired the matching metal circle. It was a ring, I looked at the ring I wore on my thumb. The grey ring was a lot more detailed than my fathers. It had a glass looking chunk that stuck out of the rock. There were a bunch of people he could have given this pretty piece of jewelry to, there were 3 other girls that were his age that he could have given it to. Maybe this was my birthday gift? I put the ring on my middle finger and admired it. I looked back and he was gone from the corner. He was no where to be found. The hallway was empty and the door was closed. I ran down the stairs and joined the others in the group. It was time to find a new home.