Misguided Ghosts

I had been spending every day with Tom. I started to forget how badly I didn't want to get close to him, but it happened. Today shot my entire reason for happiness to shit. It was just looking at me. A little pink plus sign showed on the little monitor of the home pregnancy test. I felt like I was dying. I felt like not enough air in the world could help me catch my breath. I let Tom get to me. I let him make himself a part of me for the rest of my life. How could I be so stupid and careless? I knew we weren't being safe and I knew I wasn't on birth control. Mostly, though, I knew he was leaving back to his home in Germany in two days. Then I'd never see him again, until nine months when I see the baby's face look up at me and it has his eyes, or his nose, or his cheeks.

I let myself curl up into a ball at the floor of my bathroom. My phone buzzed and buzzed, I knew it was Tom calling me. He wanted to go to dinner. He said I should skip work and spend some time before he had to leave, but I couldn't. It would just make it harder. The decision to terminate the fetus would be hard enough on me. I never felt so lost in my life. Not in my entire life.



There was a consistent knock on my door that turned into a soft banging, and then a harder bang. I didn't want to get up but I knew it wouldn't stop.

I opened the door to a worried Tom who embraced me into a hug as soon as I opened the door for him. All day I've been able to not cry, but the moment he touched me I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't mean to cry, but I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Why are you crying, babe?" he took me inside and closed the door behind him.

That word, the word he called me. The fact that he had the nerve to call me "babe" when he was leaving me forever pissed me off. I was so mad I cried harder. He pulled my face into his chest as he stroked through my hair. I was finally able to tell him to stop when I caught a breath.

"What's the matter? Please tell me why you're crying." he looked worriedly at me.

"You're leaving me, Tom. What the fuck does it matter to you? I don't even know why I ever gave you the time of day. You're just a prick who wanted some fun while you were in LA." I wiped the interminable tears from under my eyes.

"I'm sorry Ramona. I didn't ever think I'd feel so connected to you. I didn't know I would feel this way about you after three weeks. I didn't think it mattered to you anyhow. You always seem so heartless, so hard and insensitive. This is a new side of you that I never thought I'd see. I didn't think you'd give a damn whether I left in two days or last week. You've always been unemotional with me. What do you expect from me." his hands were around my face.

"I don't want anything from you." I started, quietly. I raised my voice. "Why are you still trying to sympathize with me. I don't need you here."

"Why am I here, Ramona? I could have any girl I choose in LA." he looked in my eyes, but I broke the stare.

"Then go! Go get her. Why are you wasting your time here?" I stood up.

He stood up as well. "I'm not wasting my time. I'm here for you, Ramona. I care about you. What's gotten into you. You know that I love to spend my time with you. I love everything about you. I might even be in love with you."

I didn't know how to react. The pit in my stomach grew deeper at his words. I hated him, but I was so in love with this man. "I'm pregnant, Tom." I sat back down.Tom just stared at me for awhile. When he sat down and opened his mouth to speak I blurted out what I'd probably regret for the rest of my life. "It's not your baby."

He was taken aback. He looked at me with such pain in his eyes. The eyes I once thought were so beautiful and loving, now looked completely empty. Like my words just sucked all the life out of him.

"I don't get this game you're trying to play Ramona." he stood up "I don't know if you just like to play with people, or what. But you're seriously fucked up. You need help, and you need to grow up. I hope you give that child the life he or she deserves, but most of all I hope you better your life for the sake of that child." he turned around and headed for the door.

"Tom, wait..." I began to cry again. Tom stopped but he didn't turn to face me. "I'm sorry. A-a-and... I think I love you too." I looked down so I couldn't see him leave. He left silently and gently closed the door behind him. I heard his soft footsteps further away until I heard nothing.

I was the biggest dick in the world. What the fuck did I just do? I wouldn't go after him though, it would make everything harder. He said it himself, I'm seriously fucked up. I knew that, but I also knew I couldn't be handled by anyone and if I ever cared about somebody, it's best if I let them leave.

I curled up into a ball. I couldn't hold in the tears, not this time. I couldn't ever forgive myself for hurting the first person who ever loved me. I don't even know if he truly meant it. He could've just wanted to make me feel like I wasn't just a way for him to pass time while he was in LA. I don't know, but he's going to Germany now. He's going to find the girl that deserves him. My baby will know nothing about him. I know that I'm sorry to the one person I cared about the most.

I had to leave. I didn't want to stay in Los Angeles anymore. I couldn't be a bartender anymore. I couldn't live in this complex anymore. I needed to find a safe and stable place for me and my baby. It's just us now and I will listen to his/her father. I will give my baby the life that they deserve, or at least I'll try my best. But I couldn't leave just yet. I had to save up as much money as possible before I start to show.



It's been a week and I've been keeping to myself as much as possible. Even at work, I say as little as possible. Dan knows something is wrong, but I won't tell him. I can only give him a weeks notice before I leave.

"Are you sure you're alright, Ramona?" Dan asked as we did inventory at the end of the night.

"I'm fine. I've just been really tired." I didn't even look up at him.

Dan got closer to me. "If you ever need to talk, I'm always here. You know that." He reached to touch my face but I backed up.

"Have you been drinking?" I asked in my usual attitude.

"It's a bar, babe." That word haunted me still. He got even closer and let his hand on my leg.

"Dan, stop. You're my boss. I'm just an employee." I backed up into the wall.

"My favorite employee. You're really sexy, Ramona." his breath smelled like a mixture of gin and vodka. I nearly gagged.

"Dan, stop. Please." I tried to push him away but he was strong.

"Oh Ramona. Don't act for a second like you never thought about it. I see the way you look at me, it's the same way I look at you." he got his hand under my shirt.

"No, Dan! You're my boss and that's it." I felt tears well up in my eyes.

"So then you don't have to tell anyone." his face was in my neck as his hands began to reach for my pants.

I looked around at all the glass bottles and I thought about cracking one over his head, but I needed the money. I needed to keep this job for as long as possible. I thought about my baby and about Tom. I thought about what would've happened if I told him the truth, that the baby was his. Maybe he would've stayed with me in LA or maybe he would've taken me back to Germany with him. I thought about everything other than Dan as he let himself into me. I wanted to fight it, I didn't want this, not ever with him. I imagined Tom coming into the bar to save me. I imagined him beating the crap out of Dan for even laying a finger on me. I imagined all the possible ways my life could've been with Tom until Dan was done. I wiped my eyes and put my pants back on. While Dan went to the bathroom I took a few hundred dollars that were unaccounted for and put them in my pocket. Dan came back out with a smile, an evil smile. It was like he knew I didn't want to but he didn't give a shit. He pulled out his wallet and handed me two-hundred dollars. I was repulsed. I wanted to spit in his face, but I knew we needed the money, so I took it without saying a word and I left the bar.

The whole ride home I cried, harder than I ever remembered crying before. I couldn't do that ever again. What would my baby think if he or she ever found out. I need to be strong. I needed some comfort. I needed Jeremy. It was strange, but I needed to feel safe.

I sped all the way home, not even taking into consideration any consequence. I parked in front of the complex and turned the engine off. I looked at myself in the mirror of the mirror on the backside of the visor and I cleaned my smeared mascara as best as I could before getting out of the car. I closed the door and pushed the button that locked and armed the car. I slowly walked into the complex and made my way toward the stairs. I stopped before I got there, though. I stopped in front of room 104, Jeremy's room. I gently knocked repeatedly until he opened the door. He looked so cute just waking up.

"Ramona... What are you doing here? Are you alright?" he asked rubbing the sleep from his eyes. I couldn't speak. I couldn't eve open my mouth. I just hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me and brought me all the way inside, closing the door after us. He let me sit on his bed and as usual, without even thinking about it, I began to weep softly. I've gotten so tired of crying. Jeremy stroked my back softly, occasionally shushing me in comfort. "Please tell me what's wrong."

"I... I just want to lay down. Can I sleep here tonight?" I asked hesitantly. Jeremy didn't say a word. He nodded his head and lifted the blankets over me. I didn't even take my shoes off, I just laid in a ball trying to cry as quietly as possible. Jeremy laid behind me, wrapping his warm arm over my side. I fell asleep in the comfort of his embrace.