Painfully Aware

The single Parents of Miami where having a play-date in a small park this lovely Tuesday morning, the sun was shining and children of all ages ran round playing.

I was pushing my six year old daughter on the swing, she had a huge smile on her face and she was giggling.

Erica was the most precious thing in my life, she was number one.

Looking back on the past seven years I came to one conclusion, It was good to be single.

I often wondered what my life had been like if I had told Erica's father about her, would we still be together?

Maybe married or divorced?

I was a year younger than him his name was Michael and he was my first love.

We where high school sweethearts, had sex, he graduated and left Miami before I found out I was pregnant.

My best friend Monica was the first one to suspect that I was pregnant, I had never liked pickles and one day it was all I could think about eating.

I started getting sick often, I just thought it was some bug but one day Monica was at my doorstep with a pregnancy test. I laughed at her and said that there was no way I was taking that. She ended up talking me into it and when three minutes where up all color drained from my face.

I was pregnant...

The nine months passed quickly the last couple of moths where very similar with much rest, eating, peeing and nausea. My water broke one early morning whilst I was eating my morning pickles, since I was alone Monica had moved in with me for the last month. She took great care of me and that day she rushed me to the hospital.

After 18 hours in labor I held my beautiful baby girl in my arms for the first time, the sight of her brought tears to my eyes. I wished that Michael would've been there it felt good that at least Monica was there for me. She also had tears in her eyes as he looked at my baby.

”She's so beautiful, Can I hold her?” She asked.

I nodded.

”Come to auntie Monica” Monica said eagerly as I gave her the baby.

I looked over at Monica holding my baby, I smiled before feeling really weak and seconds later I passed out.

When I woke up, three days later, the doctors told me that there had been some complications but that I was fine now.

Monica had been worried about me but she had still taken care of the baby.

Two days later I was released from the hospital and it was time to take care of the baby alone, with some help from Monica.

I wanted to tell Michael but I couldn't get hold of him. I thought about telling Nate but I didn't think he'd be much help with his various money problems. Madeline, oh how I wanted to tell her, she had the right to know and I knew she'd help me. In the end I told none of the Westen family I didn't tell people who was her father it was a mystery.

”Faster Mommy, Faster” Erica shouted whilst laughing.

I started to push just a little harder.

”It's a nice day” Carol said as she placed her baby boy in the swing next to ours.

”Yes it is.” I agreed ”So, is baby Daryl sleeping through the night?”

”No, sadly he still wakes up every 30 minutes” Carol said as she pushed the little boy.

”That's too bad, It took me over eight months before Erica slept through the night so Don't loose hope” I said.

”Let's hope Daryl starts to sleep though the whole night that fast” Carol said and laughed.

”Did you have the baptism already?” I asked keeping the conversation going, these days had become the best way to be social. I didn't have much time to interact with other grown ups with a job and Erica to take care of.

”Yes, last friday. It was really beautiful, he was such a good boy” Carol said and I though back on Erica's Baptism.

”Let's get this dress on you beautiful little girl” Monica sang as she changed Erica into her gown.

I was in the bathroom getting myself ready.

”So what's this pretty little thing's full name?” Monica asked peeking into the bathroom.

”I named her after my grandmother her name was Erica and then Madeline from Michael's side” I answered.

”So Erica Madeline Roberts” Monica said ”Or is it Westen?”

”Roberts definitely, nobody knows she's a Westen.” I said and released my last curl from the iron, it fell down and bounced before settling to where it should be.

I walked out of the bathroom and saw Monica playing with Erica, she had become like a second mom to Erica and seeing is how Michael was not around it felt good to have her around.

Monica held Erica through the whole ceremony, Erica was such a good baby she was quiet and didn't cry at all when the water was poured over her head.

”Baptism's are such wonderful things aren't they?” I asked.

”Yes they are” Carol agreed smiling.

When I looked up it felt like my heart had stopped for a second and then started racing, It couldn't be...

I could see that he had gotten older but he still had the same dark brown hair, same smile on his face he had a suit on, that was different and I couldn't see his eyes since he was wearing sunglasses but I knew it was him.

I turned to Carol ”Could you watch her for just a minute?”

”Yeah, Sure” Carol said a bit surprised.

”Thanks” I said as I started to walk up to him.

I had no idea what I should tell him or what he wanted, I decided to let him speak first since I had nothing to say.

”Hello Michael, It's been a while” I said awkwardly as I reached him.

”Yep, it has. You look good” He said confidently.

”Thank you” I said.

We walked together and sat down on a bench, I noticed that Michael was looking at Erica.

Luckily she didn't much like him at all, I was hoping that he wouldn't ask about her.

”What are you doing here?” I asked angrily.

”Just got back and I thought I'd stop by and see you” Michael said.

”It's been seven years Michael, what do you want?” I asked still angry.

”I wanted to take you out to lunch” He said softly.

”I can't, I have to take care of my child” I spat and got up.

Before I could leave he grabbed my arm ”Please Diana let me explain”

I looked into his eyes and saw something I didn't expect: Sorrow.

”I'll get someone to pick her up” I said.

I pulled out my phone and called Monica, I walked away from Michael so that I could talk freely.

”Pick up, pick up, Monica please pick up” I said to myself a bit panicked, I regretted saying yes to him I didn't know what came over me. Guess I wanted an explanation and maybe I'd get the closure I needed to move on?

”Hey you, didn't expect to hear from you today” Monica said.

”Um, well-- Yeah. I...i umm” I didn't know how to tell her that I was going to lunch with Michael. She had been there and tried to pick up the pieces of my heart when he left and when I was pregnant she was the for me. The nights she had been with me whilst I was crying were countless and she'd bite my head off now that I was giving him a chance to set the record straight.

”Are you ok, is something wrong?” She asked slightly worried.

”I'm fine, I think. Look Mon don't get mad ok?” I said nervously.

”Fine, I won't get mad” She said a bit confused.

”I need you to come get Erica from the park” I paused ”Michael's back in town and he wants to explain himself.

”WHAAAT?!” Monica shouted and started ranting ”Diana Roberts you are not doing anything with that man, he left you all alone without saying good bye. Remember how broken you where? He is a scum-bag and is not worth your time!”

”I know, but I really need this Mon” I said once she had stopped ranting.

Monica was quiet for a minute, I could hear her breathing slowing down.

”I'll be there in five minutes” She sighed.

I walked over to Erica, ”Hey sweetie, Auntie Monica is coming to get you and Mommy's gonna go talk to that man over there”

”But I wanna stay here mommy” Erica said and started pouting.

”Well honey, You have to ask Auntie Monica about that” I said and lifted her from the swing.

Monica arrived a few minutes later.

We met her close to the bench where Michael was sitting, Erica gave Monica her puppy eyes and Monica being a sucker for that gave in and they stayed in the park.

Erica ran back to the swing Monica followed but before leaving she gave Michael the evil eye.

”There's a small café right over there” I said and pointed to the little shop right next to the park.

Once we where sitting in the cafe Michael started telling me about why he had left, he told me everything. He became C.I.A, he was sent all over the world on missions and now he had gotten burned which meant that he was not allowed to work, he had no money, no identity and couldn't leave Miami.

I saw my opportunity to tell him about Erica, if he was out of the C.I.A game and was not allowed to leave Miami we could have a family.

That dream was quickly crushed when Michael asked me to join him on a family dinner where the objective was to get some information out of his mother. He was trying to get un-burned, he wanted back in the game.

I decided to not tell him, I didn't want him to leave us again.

”So how's tomorrow?” Michael asked.

”I don't have a sitter for tomorrow, Monica has to work.” I said and looked back at my daughter in the park.

Michael followed my gaze ” You can bring her to”

My eyes widened, was this really happening?

If he only knew the irony behind this family dinner thing.

”I know I have no right to ask you any favors but I really need this” Michael said, I knew he was right but who was I to deny him the chance to get back to what he wanted to do?

”Of course I'll help” I sighed.

”Thank you” Michael said.

”No problem” I said.

”I have some things I need to do so..” Michael said.

”That's fine, just give me the time and place” I said awkwardly.

”Seven, Mom's place, you remember where that is right?” He asked.

I nodded.

We both got up from our seats.

”You're not seeing anyone?” He asked out of the blue

”No” I said.

Then he pulled me closer to him and kissed me with such passion, It was so intense I could feel so many feelings. Longing, lust, passion, regret where just a few.

When we pulled apart I was blushing madly and excused myself.

Monica followed us home and once Erica was out of ear shot she started ripping me a new one, she was furious about me talking to Michael. She practically blew her top when I told her about the 'Family' dinner tomorrow.

”What if they find out about Erica?” Monica said furiously.

”What if they do? The only reason I never told them was because I wanted to tell Michael first and I couldn't, now I can and maybe I should” I said.

”Dee, you've been so strong and holding your own this long. Mike is not gonna stay in your life” She said.

”I'm painfully aware of that but Erica's getting older and she's been asking about her father. It's getting harder and harder to lie to her” I tried reasoning.

Monica sighed in defeat ”You know I'll stand behind you a 100 precent and I you feel it's the right thing to do then you do what you gotta do”

”Thank you” I said and hugged her.

7 p.m. saturday and we where standing outside Madeline's door.

”You wanna ring the bell?” I asked Erica, she nodded so I lifted her up.

I heard talking through the door and a second later Madeline opened it, she looked just like I remembered. I had always loved her so much and she loved me, it was sad that we had lost touch after Michael left.

”Diana, you look lovely” She said and hugged me, she looked to my left where Erica was standing, she froze and her eyes grew wide like she had seen a ghost.

”Madeline this is my daughter Erica” I introduced.

”Nice meeting you ma'am” Erica greeted politely.

”Well isn't she a polite little one” Madeline said and invited us in.

Madeline sat down at the end of the table Michael to her right and Nate to her left, I sat down next to Michael and Erica sat next to Nate.

We ate the food and it was amazing, I had such a good time. It really felt like we were a family.

”Let me help you with that” I said and started helping Madeline with the dishes.

”No need dear” She said.

”It's no problem” I insisted.

In the kitchen Madeline confronted me with something she had discovered.

”There's no easy way of asking you this so I'm just gonna come out and say it” she said.

”You can always tell me the truth Madeline” I said thinking it was nothing major.

”Erica is Michael's daughter isn't she?” She stated/asked.

I felt the color drain from my face and my heart sink into where my stomach was.

How could she know?

”H—Ho---how?” Was all I could get out.

”She looks just like Michael when he was that age” She stated ”Why didn't you tell me?”

She looked so disappointed it broke my heart.

”I'm sorry Madeline, I didn't want to burden you with this” I said.

”Knowing my grandchild is out there wouldn't been a burden at all” Madeline said and her eyes grew wide, she was looking at something behind me. Oh god how I hoped that what I feared hadn't just happened.

I turned around to see a very surprised and maybe a bit angry Michael.

”I'll let you two talk” Madeline said and quickly left the kitchen.

”Why didn't you tell me?” Michael asked clearly a bit upset about this situation.

”You where gone by the time I found out and every time I tried to tell you something got in the way, I thought it was not meant to be.” I tried explaining.

”Did you even try?” Michael asked.

”Yes I did” I said getting upset.

”Not hard enough apparently” Michael spat.

”No, NO! That's just not fair.” I shouted ”You left me Michael Westen, without a word or a good bye. I had to go through these past eight years on my own whilst you ran around the world”

First it looked like he was going to argue more but instead he apologized.

”I'm so sorry” he said over and over again.

He walked over and brought me into a hug, he held me really close. I could hear his hear beat and it was nice, this was all I had wanted for a long time now.

”I'm really truly sorry that you had to go through all these years alone,if I'd known I would've come back to help you” He said.

”I know. Part of me wanted to tell you but the other part wanted me to let you live your life the way you wanted to” I said.

”Guess we both made some bad decisions” Michael sighed.

”So now that you know the truth, what are you going to do?” I asked pulling away so that I could look at him.

”I want to try this dad thing” He said and smiled.

”Really?” I asked not being able to believe my ears.

”Yeah, really” He said and smiled one of those heart melting pearly white smiles.

”You wanna go tell our daughter?” I asked.

”Yeah and Nate to” Michael said.

”Oh, who do you think is gonna take ti badly?” I asked.

Michael laughed and guided me back into the dining/living room.

”You can't do that” Erica said as Nate tried to cheat in a card game.

”Yes I can” He argued.

”Hey Nate, don't you dare cheat whilst playing with my daughter” Michael shouted to Nate.

”I'm not cheating” Nate argued before realizing one of the words in Michael's sentence.

He looked up and saw Michael with his arm around me, his eyes grew in realization.

He looked at Erica and then back at us then back at Erica again.

”Did you say daughter?” Nate asked.

Erica looked up at me and Michael her eyes grew wide as well.

”Would you come here for a minute sweetie?” I asked.

Erica obediently came over to us and I picked her up.

”Let's go and talk in private” I said.

We walked into the kitchen and I put Erica down on the counter.

”Daddy?” She asked looking at Michael.

Erica was a smart girl for her age so I leveled with her, she had been asking about her father for a year now.

”Yes sweetie, this man here is your daddy” I paused ”His name is Michael, the man you were playing cards with is your uncle Nate and the older lady is your grandmother Madeline.”

She looked at Michael with curiosity in her eyes. I lifted her down of the counter and she immediately ran to Michael and hugged his legs, he lifted her up into his arms and hugged her.