...And a Happy New Year

September 26, 2014

John walked through the clear doors, his eyes scanning the room for the familiar face he hadn’t seen lately. He smiled when he spotted her hunched over her desk, earbuds in, singing and bopping along to whatever she was listening to. He strolled over to her desk and gently knocked on her desk, hoping to gain her attention.

She jumped, slightly startled by his appearance at her desk.

“John you scared me! What are you doing here?”

His grin widened. “Well I’m local again and I promised some one-on-one time didn’t I? Have you eaten lunch yet?”

Chaney shook her head and leaned forward to check the time on her computer. “I actually get off in like half an hour if you don’t mind waiting?” she turned and looked at him sheepishly.

He furrowed his brows with a smirk on his face. “Really? You get off that early?”

“Well, yeah. We typically have half days on Fridays,” she chuckled.

“Hell, if I had known that, I would’ve visited you at work more often. Where should I wait?”

Chaney hummed in contemplation. “There’s a sitting area not far from my desk. It’s just around that corner.”

He nodded and made his way over there.

Chaney bit her lip and smiled as she attempted to concentrate on finishing her work. She hadn’t been expecting John to be back already, much less to greet her at work. She finished answering emails and filing the last bit of her paperwork before shutting down her computer and packing up. She grabbed her bag, purse, and made her way to where John was sitting.

He had been hunched over in his seat, feverishly writing in the tiny notebook he often kept in his shirt or pants pocket. At the sight of him, she had to stop momentarily and smile. Seeing him in his natural element, caught up in the winds of inspiration was a sight, as a fellow creative, she appreciated seeing. Something about watching a creative in the midst of their workflow was like catching a glimpse of his true self. It was like seeing a side of him that he kept reserved.

John noticed her standing in the doorway through his peripheral vision and quickly put away his notebook and pen as he stood up to follow her out of the office. She led him down the elevator and out the door to his Jeep.

“Ya know, I won’t lie, I still can’t get over the truck being gone.”

John chuckled as he looked over his shoulder at her. “I know what ya mean. I’m still adjusting myself. However it’s much cozier than my truck I must admit.”

She nodded as she slipped into the front seat. “So where are we off to O’Callaghan?”

“Hmmm, little this, little that,” he smirked as he started the Jeep.

“Wow that’s not vague at all. Enter scene where the handsome stranger takes the unsuspecting female to the middle of the desert to kill her.”

“If I were to do that, I would’ve already done it,” he replied seriously; his eyes remaining glued to the road.

Chaney looked over at him slightly horrified.

John turned his head slightly with the same intensity in his stare before he broke out into laughter. “Chane, I’m kidding.”

She nervously chuckled. “Right, ha ha.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she turned her gaze to the window. For some reason his answer slightly unsettled her.

“Chaney,” he spoke in a serious tone as he turned down the music, “I really was kidding ya know.”

She turned her head to look at his face with a sigh. “Yeah, I know.”

"Then what's goin on kid? Ya seem a bit off."

"It's uh, it's nothing. Tell me about you. How's Mr. Rockstar doing lately?"

He laughed. "I'm doing great. Been practicing with the guys a lot this past week getting ready for the Summer Ends festival tomorrow. Then it's off to the UK the day after..."

"Wow. You're leaving again so soon?" She asked with sadness in her voice.

"Yeah but it's a short run in the UK. Just a handful of shows. I'll be back soon."

She nodded meekly.

"Somehow I don't think my absence is what's really bothering you. Tell me what's really going on."

She sighed and looked back out the window. He didn't push the subject and instead kept driving until he reached the park. He drove around until he reached the lake and parked next to it. He hopped out of the Jeep and grabbed the small cooler with with the lunch he packed for them from the back seat.

Chaney slowly got out of the car and followed John's lead of sitting on the hood of the Jeep as they faced the lake.

John unpacked their sandwiches from the cooler and passed Chaney her food. She took the sandwich but only messed with the plastic wrap around the sandwich as she studied her hands. The silence was killing John as he knew something was bothering her, but wasn't sure what.

She finally broke the silence as she set her sandwich on the hood between them.

“So, I saw him the other day,” she trailed off, now picking at the polish on her nails as she avoided eye contact with John.

“Him? Him who?” he responded over his food.

“Eric.”

John swallowed his food as the answer sunk in. His eyes went wide and he turned his body to face her. “You did? How?”

She sighed. “Alex.”

John continued to look at her puzzled.

“So you know that football party I invited you to a couple weeks ago? Yeah, he was there. Didn’t know he was showing up until he walked through the door.”

John didn’t say anything but let her continue talking. He reached over and took a hold of her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze to let her know he was there.

She looked down at their hands and turned to John with a small smile before continuing. “As soon as he walked in, there was instant tension in the room. I got up and busied myself in the kitchen. Naturally he came in and had to ruin that too.”

“What did he say?” John hesitantly asked.

Chaney paused to try to compose herself, she looked towards John with tears brimming her eyes and choked out, “He said he’d wait for me.”

John’s face fell as he brought Chaney into his embrace. She instantly clung to him and sobbed into his shirt. John wrapped his arms around her shoulders and slowly rubbed her back to help calm her down.

She eventually calmed down and turned to rest the side of her face against his chest. John continued to hold her as he gently rested his chin atop her head. “So what are ya gonna do?” he mumbled.

She shrugged against him. “Not sure yet. Have the feelings gone away? No. Am I still mad as hell at him? Of course. I’m just so torn,” she sighed.

“I’ll be there for you every step of the way. As long as you need me, I’ll be here.” He then placed a small kiss on the crown of her head.

Chaney slowly pulled away and looked up at John. He moved his head back so he could get a good look at her. His eyes were full of so much concern and compassion for the girl sitting in front of him. Chaney searched his eyes and without thinking leaned up to connect her lips to his. She wrapped her arms around his neck as she moved to straddle his lap as he sat on the hood.

John initially responded immediately and brought her closer to him. However the moment he realized what was going on, he knew he needed to halt it. As long as he’d been waiting for this moment, this wasn’t the way he wanted it to go down. Chaney was emotionally vulnerable and he was not about to take advantage of that. As much as it pained him to do so, he gently pulled back and tried to gently push Chaney off of him.

She kept trying to reattach their lips but John continued to dodge her advances. “Hey, Chane, stop,” he gently whispered.

“Why? What’s wrong?” she sat back and asked in confusion.

“We can’t do this,” he continued to whisper as he moved to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

She shoved his hand away. “Why the hell not? You seemed to be enjoying it, too,” she scoffed.

He gave her a stern look. “You know why this can’t happen.”

“Actually, I don’t think I do. Why don’t you inform me,” she snapped as she crossed her arms over her chest.

He sighed, running a hand down his face. “Chane....”

“No, tell me. Why the hell can’t this happen? Because quite frankly I’ve been waiting years for this and you seemed to want it too. I wanna know why you suddenly feel like this is a bad idea.”

John was taken aback at how long she said she had waited for this, but decided not to comment on it as he wanted to address the more pressing issue. “You still have feelings for Halvo.”

Chaney cringed at the nickname. She could barely stand to hear his real name, much less a nickname that he was called by those he was closest to.

“What’s your point?”

“What’s my point? Are you serious right now? Chane, you and Halvo have practically been inseparable since you became friends. He always talked about this girl that he was crazy about, but would never tell us who it was. He cares so much about you despite the shit he’s put you through these last few months. You can’t throw all of that away based on one bad decision he’s made.”

Chaney rolled her eyes. “That still doesn’t answer why this thing,” she motioned between the two of them, “can’t happen.”

He sighed and placed a hand on each of her shoulders. “Look at me.”

She reluctantly met his stare as he green eyes bore into hers.

“Halvo loves you. He’s my best friend. Hell, he’s your best friend. That alone should be enough reason to not pursue whatever this is.”

She groaned and crossed her arms again. She wouldn’t deny that she missed the feeling of kissing a guy and the fact that she had had such a huge crush on John most of her life didn’t help matters any. Sure she and Halvo were best friends and they had this weird on and off thing until earlier this year. However she couldn’t shake off the fact that she always wondered what kissing John would feel like. Now that she knew, she didn’t want to give it up on account of her “best friend” that lied to her for months about one of her other close friends. Her trust in Halvo was completely gone and not something she would easily get over.

“You need to understand something,” she mumbled as she slowly moved her gaze back towards his. “Yes, Halvo,” she cringed at the name, “ and I have been close for years. Yes I had very strong feelings for him. However the trust that was built between us is completely destroyed now.”

“And that has to do with this how?” he hesitantly asked.

Chaney sighed as she gently placed her hands on either side of his face.

John worked to calm his breathing as this close proximity was driving him absolutely mad.

Chaney quickly looked down to his lips, then back to his eyes as her thumbs rubbed over his cheeks. “It has to do with this in the fact that I’ve dreamt of kissing you for as long as I can remember. Long before anything between Halvo and I was ever truly established.”

She started to lean forward again and John closed his eyes. He swallowed thickly as he felt the faintest touch of her lips ghost his. He felt her warm breath hitting his face. By this point his heart was beating rapidly and he was in such a daze. He knew what was about to happen. He wanted it to happen. But in good conscience couldn’t let it.

“Chane--” he whispered.

“Shh, let it happen. Just for now,” she replied even quieter.

He didn’t dare move as he felt her lips finally connect to his once again. She wasn’t as aggressive this time around, and instead was wanting to take this moment in. She was slower in her movements as if she wanted to engrain this point in time in her memory.

John kissed her back, but let her have full control of what happened. As good as it felt to be kissing her, he knew deep down it was wrong. He should’ve stopped her from kissing him again. He tried. But something about this time around made it seem like it would be a one-time thing. Just a way to get this out of her system. It was if it was something she needed in order to help her heal. He knew it wouldn’t make sense to anyone else, but in a weird sort of way he understood. He wouldn’t let things go any farther than they were at the moment, but he was determined to hold to his promise to be there for her to help her heal. Even if that meant sacrificing his own happiness in the process.

Chaney’s arms had wrapped around his neck and her fingers lazily played with the ends of his hair. She couldn’t describe how good it felt to be in a man’s arms again. Of course she missed the embrace of one boy, but this was different. John’s arms didn’t mold to her the way that Halvo’s did. John’s touch didn’t send electricity through her veins with the same intensity that Halvo’s did. But she didn’t care. She needed this. In some twisted, messed up way, she needed this moment with John to help her cope with what was going on between her and Halvo.

She finally pulled away after a few minutes, slowly pecking his lips with small kisses as she leaned her forehead against his as the pair tried to regain their breathing.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

John barely nodded against her; acknowledging that he would always be there for her.

She gave him one last, lingering kiss before slowly unwrapping her arms from around him and moving off his lap to sit on the other side of the Jeep hood. She grabbed her sandwich and picked pieces off it off to eat as she looked out at the lake.

John sat there, his appetite the last thing on his mind as he looked out at the sunlight reflecting off the water in front of them. He brought his legs up onto the hood and draped his arms over the top of his knees. He was even more confused about his feelings for Chaney now than he had been. The pair sat there in silence until Chaney finished eating.

Without saying a word, both slid off the hood of the Jeep and made their way back inside. John set the small cooler in the back seat and started his Jeep as he drove around. He wasn’t sure whether to take Chaney home or to keep driving. He figured he would drive around for a bit for now; at least until he could clear his head enough from the haze the afternoon had brought on.

Chaney leaned her head against the window not sure of what to say. She couldn’t believe what she had done earlier. Did she ever intend on kissing John? In the context it happened, she didn’t. She didn’t plan any of what happened at all. What surprised her most is that she didn’t regret it. At all. Was her mind a bit foggy with her ambiguous feelings towards John? Naturally. However she knew that this upcoming time apart from him would serve the pair best in that she would use the time to sort through all of her emotions. For both John and Halvo. It had been long enough and she now had to work on fixing her relationships with everyone she was around. Something in her had changed and she was determined to not lose herself in the process of discovering what it was.