...And a Happy New Year

October 12, 2014

John leaned his head against the plane window as he waited for the plane to take off. The dark skies and ungodly hour doing nothing for his troubled thoughts. He’d just spent the last couple weeks touring the UK with his friends and still his mind was nothing short of a jumbled mess. Things with Chaney were so ambiguous now and he didn’t know what exactly was going on between them. His mind wasn’t any clearer than before he left and that only made him sink further into his seat. He waited for the plane to take off before putting in his headphones and attempting to close his eyes. He needed to get his mind off Chaney and what happened between them before he left.

***

With a sigh, Chaney walked lazily down the pasta aisle, her arms propped on the handle of the shopping cart. She didn’t really need to shop but she was sick of being stuck in the apartment. It was times like now that made her regret not being more out-going. Outside of her brother, she had screwed up the relationships between the only other three people she was close to.

She hadn’t spoken to Stephanie since she came out of hiding, but she still couldn’t bare to look at, much less talk to, her. Chaney felt utterly betrayed by her actions though she knew they were, in part, valid. She would be there to help Stephanie with her kid, but like Halvo, she still needed time to process what was happening. Sure it had been a couple months since she had found out, but she still couldn’t comprehend the weight of it all.

John she had become the closest to, but she feared she ruined whatever ease their friendship had when she pulled the kissing stunt a couple weeks prior. She had no idea what came over her and quite honestly was deeply embarrassed that she even let it happen. That was her problem; she too often let her emotions control her actions rather than think through it first. Did she regret it when she did it? No. But now? She wished she could take it back. She wouldn’t deny that she did enjoy kissing John but something about it felt off. What made it hard for her is that she could feel what John felt about her through that kiss and it scared her.

Then there was Halvo. The guy she trusted more than anyone else on the planet. The guy who had been her shoulder to cry on. The one who would stand up for her and defend her when no one else could. The one whom she could always rely on. The trust that was so built up and steadfast was destroyed in a matter of minutes. Everything she thought she knew about him had completely changed. Part of her wanted to hold on to her stubbornness and not let go of what he did to her. The other part of her wanted to forget the whole thing and just be with him again. However she knew it could never be that simple. Too much had happened and changed between them for them to be able to pick up where they left off so soon.

“Hey Indy.”

The name that used to bring a smile to her face, now made her blood run cold. Goosebumps broke out across her body as she slowly stood up from her slumped position over the shopping cart. Her palms became clammy as she tightly gripped the handle of the shopping cart. Her steps slowed and stopped as she wasn’t sure what to do.

Halvo moved around from behind her and moved to stand across from her at the other end of her cart. He gave her a pleading look as her eyes widened at the sight of him.

“I uh, h-how are you?” he mumbled.

She didn’t move. Didn’t respond as she was still trying to remember how to function. Her heart was racing, her knuckles white from how tightly she was holding onto the cart. She was thankful she opted for the cart over the basket as she wouldn’t be standing right now if it weren’t for the stability the cart provided.

Halvo sighed, “Look Chaney, we can’t keep ignoring each other like this. You can’t keep avoiding me everytime--”

“I kissed John,” she interrupted. Her eyes widened even more, shocked by her own words. She didn’t know what possessed her to tell him that as it didn’t mean nearly as much to her as kissing Halvo did.

His steps faltered slightly, the shock evident on his face. “O-oh? Um, th-that’s uh, great. Um, I mean, uh, you a-always wanted to. P-prolly more than me right?” he airly chuckled through a forced smile. “I’m uh, I’m glad to see you doing so well. I’ll see ya ‘round.” He gave her a small smile and backed away as he turned around and walked the other direction.

She felt the tears well up in her eyes as she watched the one guy she was willing to eventually work things out with walk away. She tried to hold back her tears as she abandoned her cart, ducking her head, and making her way to the bathroom. She barely made it in there before she broke down and cried. She quickly entered one of the open stalls as she locked herself in there and leaned against the door as she sank to the floor. She didn’t care at the time that it probably wasn’t the most sanitary place to sit.

After a few minutes she looked around, chuckling darkly to herself at the turn her life had taken. She was having an emotional bathroom alone on the floor of a grocery store bathroom. She laughed at the irony of the location as it so accurately reflected the state of all of her relationships. She leaned forward and pulled a few squares of toilet paper down so she could dry off her face and wipe off her smeared makeup. She threw it in the toilet and flushed it before standing up and walking over to the mirror. She sighed as she took in her red, puffy-faced appearance. When she wished for love, this isn’t what she had in mind.

She cleaned up her face and exited the bathroom, more in control of her emotions than she was before. Her almost empty cart was still right where she left it and she resumed shopping; picking up whatever few items she had left to shop for.

Chaney never did run into Halvo again, and she feared she probably wouldn’t ever again. She sighed in defeat as she made her way to the self-checkout. She finished and loaded her car, her thoughts still swarming with how much she may have just permanently screwed things up with Halvo.

She drove home in silence and sighed when she pulled into her complex. She got out and grabbed the bags from the back seat as she made her way upstairs. She made her way to the kitchen, hurridly setting the bags down as her phone started ringing on the counter. She didn’t even realize she’d left it. Her breath caught when she saw John’s name across her screen. She swallowed thickly before hesitantly swiping her finger across the screen to answer. “Hello?”

“Chane, I just landed in the States. We’ll be home sometime later tonight. We need to talk. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way.”

She barely had time to process what he was saying as it all happened so quickly. “Uh, ok, I’ll uh--”

“See ya later,” he cut her off has he abruptly hung up.

She set her phone down, her brows furrowing in confusion as she wondered what on earth that could’ve been about. Worry started to tug at her thoughts as the worst case scenario started playing through her mind. She quickly put up the few groceries she bought and spent the rest of the afternoon attempting to busy herself around the apartment by cleaning up as much as she could. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough to keep her busy for long. Her thoughts still twisting around her mind and suffocating her.

She eventually settled for nursing a bottle of wine while watching whatever was on TV. The TV barely served as a distraction as her thoughts drowned out the noise no matter how loud she turned it up. It was driving her crazy. The wine wasn’t helping and there wasn’t anything stronger around the apartment. She sighed as she thought through her options. The one she’d go to in times like this was Halvo; not exactly the person she could go see at the moment. Her hand drug across her face as she tried to figure out what to do.

“Chaney?”

She looked up from her fixed gaze on the TV to see Alex walking in the door.

“Are you okay? You look a little pale…”

She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. “It’s just been a rough day.”

Alex set his stuff down and moved to sit on the couch next to his sister. “You know you can talk to me right? Like i’m not gonna tell anyone or judge you…”

“I know, and you’ve been so great these last couple months with handling me and all of my shit. I’ve been such a terrible sister to you lately. I have so much going on right now and I’m not sure what to do or how to handle it.”

“Why don’t you start from the beginning and we’ll go from there. Hmm?” he encouraged as he draped his arm over the back of the couch behind her.

She nodded as she topped off her glass of wine. She began to tell him about her dream of kissing John since she laid eyes on him, the weird relationship her and Halvo had, Stephanie’s sudden disappearance, Halvo acting strange, her and John growing closer, telling Halvo she loved him, having her heart ripped apart when she found out he’d been lying to her, and finally kissing John.

“...And to make matters worse, I ran into Eric at the store and blurted out that I had kissed John--”

“Chaney!”

“I know! I’m such a terrible person.”

He sighed, his expression softening. “Look, while that wasn’t the best decision, I think you have your answer though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, think back to what you just told me. You said your kiss with John didn’t mean nearly as much as it did with Halvo. Clearly you want to be with Halvo, not John. John is just a figment of your imagination that you’ve built up in your mind.”

“No he’s not, he’s just--”

“Not him as an actual person, but him as how you perceive him. I feel like you’re letting your idea of who you think he is cloud your judgement over who he really is.”

“So what are you saying?” she asked defensively. “That he’s a terrible person that I shouldn’t be hanging around?”

“No, I’m saying that you need to make sure that your feelings towards John are based on who he really is; not who’ve built him up in your mind to be. You’re the only one who will be able to make that distinction and answer that question. You also need to realize that no one is perfect and while Halvo did royally screw up, he did do it to protect you. I’m not defending anyone or taking sides, I’m just playing devil’s advocate here to make sure you’re thinking through everything.”

Chaney nodded, her gaze fixed back on her hands resting in her lap. She chuckled after a few minutes as she looked back up at Alex. “When the hell did you become so wise?”

He smirked and ruffled her hair. “Oh I don’t know. Probably around the same time I was born.”

She scoffed and playfully shoved him. “You’re being a smart ass.”

“Um excuse me. I’m being a wise ass thank you. Wisdom is greater than smartness.”

“You’re a dork,” she chuckled.

Her phone began ringing and she looked down at her phone to see John’s name flashing across her screen. She looked over at the clock on the wall and had no idea that so much time had passed. She looked to Alex who only nodded towards her phone, gave her a small smile and wink, and kissed the top of her head as he stood up to give her some privacy.

“Uh, hey John.”

“I’m at your apartment. Can I come up?”

“Uh yeah. Come on up, I’ll unlock the door.” She hung up, throwing her phone down on the couch. She sighed, running her hands through her hair and stood up to go unlock the door. She no more unlocked the door when John opened it, and pushed through.

He walked past her as he made his way to the landing outside of her kitchen. She sighed, closing the door and made her way over to him. He left the door outside open as he leaned against the railing looking over the city below them. The clicking of the door closing behind Chaney alerted him of her presence as she looked at him sheepishly.

She couldn’t read his expression. He wasn’t showing any sort of emotion other than some sort of determination. She was hesitant to approach him, not sure what was going to happen or what he was going to say.

He sensed her apprehension and sighed. “Chane, I need to get something off my chest.”

She played with her fingers in front of her as she looked up at him slightly worried. “Um, ok. What is it?”

He didn’t respond but strode the short distance to her, bracing his arm next to her head, pinning her against the door. There was still a few inches of space between them, and her heart was beating rapidly anticipating his next move.

Their gazes remained fixed on each other, neither moving in the span of time that seemed to last forever. John let out a deep breath, the warm air gently hitting Chaney’s face as she continued to stand there.

The next thing she knew his mouth was on hers, gently massaging her lips with his. He pressed himself closer to her momentarily before backing away.

“I’m uh, I’m sorry. I--”

“No. John I told you that was a one time thing. You can’t just come over here, kiss me like that, and expect everything to be ok.”

He looked at her incredulously. “Oh that’s brilliant. Pot, meet kettle.”

She rolled her eyes. “I told you why I was doing that,” she muttered.

“Yeah, and you also said you had been waiting years to do that. Don’t you think I deserve an explanation for that?”

“I guess, but is freaking me out and making out with me your brilliant idea to ask me?”

He chuckled darkly, “You didn’t exactly push me away sweetheart.”

“Oh stop with your nicknames,” she scoffed as she pushed him away so she could walk past him. She stood against the railing, bracing her arms on top as she leaned over the edge.

“Where is this sudden hostility coming from? I mean, god Chaney. How do you think I felt when you randomly attacked me?”

“Please,” she scoffed, “I would hardly call my kissing an assault.”

“Then can you tell me what in the hell possessed you to do that?”

“I thought we already talked about this. Besides, wasn’t it you who said this couldn’t happen anyway?”

He sighed exasperated as he joined her next to the rail. “Look, I didn’t come over here to pick a fight--”

She turned to him with an incredulous expression. “Then why the hell did you come over here? God, I’m so sick of this back and forth shit.”

“Chane,” his voice was softer, “look at me.”

She shook her head, her jaw tight as she kept her gaze on the city below.

He rolled his eyes. “Fine, then just listen. Look, I’ve been doing some thinking.”

“Watch out world, O’Callaghan has a brain,” she quipped bitterly.

He ignored her comment as he continued. “I don’t know what the hell is going on between us, but I need some answers.”

“Like what?” she scoffed.

“Like why you really kissed me a couple weeks ago.”

She turned her head to look at him, her facial expression losing the edge it once had when she saw his firm gaze. She sighed, dropping her eyes to her hands and shrugged.

“I don’t know John. My head’s so fucked up lately. Figured you of all people would understand that,” she mumbled.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked defensively.
She rolled her eyes, “I’ve listened to your music John. You’ve got that whole ‘tortured musician’ part down pat. So why don’t you cut the bullshit and level with me here.”

“I’ve been nothing but honest with you,” he defended.

“Alright, then continue your streak by being honest with me now. Why did you come over here and kiss me?” she asked exasperated.

He shrugged as he mirrored her slouched position against the railing. “Honestly?”

“No, I want you to lie to me,” she replied sarcastically.

He shoved her shoulder with his. “Honestly, it just felt like it was what I needed to do. I can’t really tell you more past that. But you still didn’t answer my question. Why did you tell me that you’ve been waiting years to kiss me and then snap at me when I do so now?”

She turned her head to look back at him and sighed. The red starting to adorn her cheeks as she was avoiding ever admitting any of this to John ever.

“God you’re gonna think I’m insane,” she mumbled.

“You mean more than I already do?” he scoffed. “Try me.”

“Well, I’ve sort of had a crush on you since I moved in across the street from you when I was a kid. It was always some weird fantasy of mine to kiss you at midnight on New Year’s Eve,” she replied sheepishly.

His eyes widened as he turned to look at her downcast gaze. “Wait, really?”

She nodded, refusing to meet his stare as she was too embarassed to do so.

It was silent for a couple moments before he started laughing.

She looked up at him with an unamused expression on her face. “It’s not funny John.”

“Uh, it kinda is,” he laughed. “I swear I’m not laughing at you. I just...to think all of this drama could have been avoided!”

She quirked a brow. “And how is that?”

“All you had to do was ask me. I would’ve gladly kissed you at midnight. Any time. Any year. Wouldn’t have mattered if I knew you or not. A gorgeous girl like you? I wouldn’t have said no.”

“But...ok, then why did you kiss me tonight?”

It was John’s turn to sigh agian. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Because I wanted to.” He confessed. “I mean, I feel like this had been building over the last few months unless I really suck at reading signals…”

Chaney laughed this time. “I mean, you are the one that sucks at talking to girls,” she teased.

“Hey now,” he playfully nudged her shoulder.

“I mean, you may not have completely misread any signals. I mean, despite dating Eric, I was still hoping to kiss you at midnight…”

“And you think he would’ve been alright with that?”

She shrugged. “I mean, he’s always known about it. Hell, until we were dating he was trying to set us up.”

John laughed. “So that explains why he kept disappearing on me when he first introduced us huh?”

She giggled, “Yeah. He was trying to get you to know me.”

“Good dude,” John mused.

The thought of Halvo made guilt swirl and create a deep pit in her stomach. With an exception of lying to her about Stephanie for almost half the year, he really had been nothing but good to her. Even during the fact.

John noted the change in her mood and shoved her shoulder lightly. “What’s wrong kid?”

She sighed, “I saw Halvo again today.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, he was trying to see how I was doing. Trying to rebuild our friendship and what did I do but fuck it up.”

“Why? What happened?”

“I uh, may have told him that I kissed you,” she turned to look at him sheepishly.

His eyes widened and then he lulled his head back. “Please tell me you didn’t,” he said in a strained voice.

“Please don’t scold me John. I feel bad enough about it as it is.”

“You know this is gonna kill him right? Like you may have just put a nail in that coffin.”

She groaned, burying her face in her arms. “Don’t remind me,” she mumbled.

He looked down at her defeated posture and laid a comforting arm across her shoulders. “Hey, when I said I’d always be here for you, I meant it. Alright? We’ll figure this out.”

She picked her head up enough to look at him. “Really?”

He laughed. “Of course. Do you think I half-ass my promises?”

“I don’t know. You half-ass your appearance,” she teased.

He laughed. “Glad to see your sense of humor hasn’t been lost amidst all of this.”

She shrugged. “Guess it’s just part of my charm.”

The smile widened across his face as he ruffled her hair and placed a small kiss on the crown of her head. “C’mon, let’s head inside. Go get some sleep. We’ll talk more about this later.”

She nodded and he led her inside.