...And a Happy New Year

December 25, 2014

Chaney smiled as she finished wrapping her gift. She was about to leave with Alex to go to their parents’ for Christmas brunch, but she was more excited about the Christmas party that night. She had found the perfect gift for Pat, or so she had hoped, and had placed the bow on his present.

“Yo Chane, ready to go?” Alex asked as he straightened his tie.

“Woah, look at you. What’s with the fancy get-up?” she chuckled as she saw her younger brother dressed in a button down and slacks. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dressed up this nice before.”

His face turned slightly red. “I uh, I’ve got another stop after brunch,” he mumbled.

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Oh? And who are you going to see?”

“Melinda…” he muttered.

“Melinda….” she trailed off, trying to figure out how she knew the name. “Melinda as in the girl from the record store, Melinda?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled as he tried to hide his smile. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously as his eyes were trained on the floor.

Chaney’s jaw dropped as a wide smile spread across her face. She plafully hit his shoulder. “Dude! You didn’t tell me things were getting that serious!”

“They’re not...she just invited me to dinner. It’s only her and her immediate family; parents and siblings. It’s not that big--”

“Oh please,” she scoffed. “That’s terrific! I’m so happy for you.”

He smiled. “Thanks. So um, needless to say I won’t be at the party tonight, so you’ll need to find a ride…”

“That’s fine, I can just call up John or something.”

“...What about Halvo?”

Chaney scoffed and rolled her eyes. “What about him?”

“I just thought maybe you’d want to ride with Halvo. I mean, you guys used to go to these things all the time together…”

“Well that was back when he gave a shit about me.”

“Chane, that isn’t fair to say and you know that,” he tried to reason. “I know deep down you still care about him. Don’t deny it.”

“I’m not denying anything. Of course I still care about him. He was one of my best friends for most of my life. He stole a big piece of my heart,” her voice softened. “A piece that I fear he’s never going to give back.”

“There’s still time--”

“Don’t...you know as well as I do that I’ll see him tonight and then in a week. That’ll be it. The next day I pack up and drive to San Francisco.”

“Does he even know? You have to tell him.”

“I don’t have to tell him shit. He didn’t feel the need to tell me about playing house with Stephanie. Why should I tell him about this?” she scoffed.

“Do you really wanna stoop to that level? You’re better than that.”

She chuckled darkly. “God, you keep saying that. I feel like everyone has me on this fucking pedestal of expectations of who they think I should be and how I should act. I’m sick of it. I dealt with it for 25 years with Mom. The last person I need it from is you.”

“That’s not what I meant--”

“No. Stop. I’m sick of being this perfect example that everyone expects of me. If I wanna screw up my life, let me do it on my own terms. So what if I wanna go to San Francisco to pursue new opportunities?”

“Pursue new opportunities? Or run away from past mistakes?”

“You’re infuriating. You can drive yourself to Mom and Dad’s. Send them my apologies for not living up to the perfect image of me they had.”

Chaney grabbed her gift she got for Pat along with her purse and stormed out the door to her car; lightly throwing his gift into the passenger’s seat as she started her car and drove off. Tears clouded her vision as she drove, no destination in mind. She struggled to compose her breathing as she pulled into the familiar parking lot. She pulled her phone out of her purse and looked for the number that had become so second nature to call. Her finger hovered slightly over the number before she exhaled and pressed send.

It rang a few times before the voice on the other end responded.

“Chaney? What’s wrong?” John asked. He could hear her sniffling on the other end of the line.

His mother looked at him worriedly, but he held up a finger and dismissed himself from the living room and stepped outside, closing the door behind him.

She still couldn’t breathe, almost to the point of hyperventilating from how much she was crying. She didn’t know why she was crying so much. Or why she snapped at Alex. The stress the year had brought on her was catching up with her and now she felt like a ticking bomb; apt to go off at any moment.

“Chane, talk to me. Breathe. What’s going on? Where are you?”

She tried to reply, but all she could muster was cut off words and heavy breathing. She couldn’t get her breathing under control and was beginning to panic.

John’s eyes widened when he heard her strangled breathing and his mind went to the worst scenario. He quickly ran back into the house to grab his keys. He moved his phone inbetween his ear and shoulder as he unlocked his Jeep and hopped inside.

“Chane, stay on the phone with me alright? I’m headed your way. Can you tell me where you are?”

“P-p-park,” she managed to get out. Her heart was racing, and she clutched her chest, still struggling to breathe. By this point the tears had long stopped, but for whatever reason, she still couldn’t breathe and was beginning to have a slight panic attack at not being able to control her breathing.

Her vision started to blur, and started to go black. She was still frantically gasping for breath, the strength in her body slowly fading as it had been a while since she had properly drawn a breath. As she laid back against her seat she felt that this was how she was going to die.

She heard a frantic knock on her window and she didn’t have to look to know who it was as he yanked the car door open.

“Chane, breathe with me alright. C’mon.” John wrapped an arm around her shoulders and moved to sit her in a more upright position. He gently grasped her face and turned her head to face him.

Her eyes were pleading as they started to close.

John was panicking as her breath was still frantic. He didn’t know what to do. He reclined her seat back, quickly opened the back door and attempted to help her breathe by blowing his own air into her mouth. He didn’t really remember CPR and didn’t want to make things worse, but he figured at least this should help. He blew into her mouth three times and backed off, relieved to see her breathing start to regulate, though still frantic. He gave her a few moments and he leaned down and try again. He repeated the process another time, only instead of leaning back, he braced his forehead against hers.

“Chaney, please stay with me. Breathe for me, please.”

He heard her breathing start to falter, though it was in a way that it was trying to regulate. She started to gasp for breath and quickly sat up. John closed the back door and raced to her front door and rose her seat up as he moved to stand by her open door.

She clutched her chest as her breathing started to become regulated and looked at John with relief. He gave her a few moments to compose herself. Her breathing finally regulated and before John could ask her anything she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him as tightly as she could.

“Thank you,” she mumbled into his shoulder.

He hugged her tighter, and placed a small kiss on the top of her head.

“What happened?” he asked after a few moments, pulling back so he could see her face.

Her gaze instantly dropped to her lap as she turned in her seat so she faced John who was now perched in the open doorway.

She ran a shaking hand through her hair and sighed. “Just over-reacting like normal. Alex and I were about to leave to go to my parent’s for Christmas brunch when---oh god. John, I’m so sorry! I took you away from your family...oh gosh…” she felt her breathing starting to go frantic again.

John grabbed a hold of her shoulders and shook them slightly. “Chane, look at me. Hey, breathe.” He then went through a couple of breathing routines to help her calm her breathing.

Her breathing returned to normal once again and she bent over, bracing her head in her hands. “John, I’m a mess. I don’t even know what’s going on with me anymore. I snapped at Alex before I stormed out on him. In my outrage at what had happened, I started crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. Then when I couldn’t calm down my breathing, a slight panic attack set in and well...you know the rest,” she muttered.

John moved to place a comforting hand on her shoulder and gave it an affirming squeeze.

“Hey, you’re alright now. Do you know what caused the outburst?” he hesitantly asked.

She exhaled deeply before replying, “I guess just the stress of this year. The fact that I essentially lost one of the most important relationships in my life...it’s just a lot to take in. Add in the fact that I’m trying to pack up my stuff so I can move in about a week. I haven’t even started. It gets harder and harder to pack each day.”

“Do you think that means something? Ya know, the struggle to pack?”

Chaney quickly shot her head up and glared slightly at John. “What do you mean by that? Do you not support me moving to better my art?” she scoffed.

“What? No! Of course I’m not saying that.” John was now internally freaking out because he seemed to be sticking his foot in his mouth.

“Then what were you insinuating?” she seethed.

John had to think carefully about his next response because Chaney seemed to be on eggshells right now.

“I didn’t mean anything disrespectful. I swear. I just didn’t know if your hesitance could be because you don’t wanna move to--”

“Of course I want to move John. Why wouldn’t I want to move?” she accused. She saw John’s shocked expression and her face softened. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve been so on edge today and I don’t get why…”

“I’m asking sincerely, but are you scared about moving?”

“I’m scared of a lot of things, John. I’m scared of leaving this life I’ve known for almost 20 years. I’m scared of moving to a new city alone. I’m scared I won’t be a success. I’m scared I never will be. I’m scared of losing my friends here or falling out of touch. I’m scared of never patching things up with Halvo.” She sighed before whispering, “I’m scared of losing you.”

John grabbed her hands and pulled her out of the car before hugging her tightly. She buried her head in his chest and he rested his head atop of hers.

“Chaney you never have to worry about losing me,” he whispered. “I will always, always, always be there for you. That goes for the rest of the guys, too. I know things with Halvo are strained right now, but I know he cares about you.”

She just curled closer to him.

“As for your career, don’t be worried about being a success. I’m speaking from experience when I say that it’s more gratifying doing something you love than making a lot of money from it. What I’m getting at is, you have talent Van Gogh. Clearly this guy in San Francisco thinks so too. You’ll be fine. I’ll be at all your shows if I can be.”

“Thank you John,” she mumbled into his chest.

“C’mon. Let’s go get some lunch and then we’ll head to the offices to get set up for tonight alright?”

She pulled away and nodded.

“I’ll drive. I’ll bring you back to get your car later tonight.” He then draped an arm around her shoulder and brought her into his side as he led her to his Jeep.

***

“Alright guys, grab your gifts and let’s all head to the big room,” Jared called out as they all rallied into the living room. Chaney had spent most of her day with John before bringing her to the offices. Pat ended up bringing Kelly since Chaney’s car was still at the park and John was busy helping them set things up and getting ready for the party that night.

She had kept to herself once they arrived at the office. She was still pretty rattled from the weird day she’d had. Kelly had pretty much stayed glued to John’s side as she hadn’t spotted Chaney all night and she really didn’t know anyone else there.

“Yo Chaney!” Jared called. “Are you comin?” he asked with a smile.

She smiled slightly back. “Uh, yeah. I’m coming.” She picked up the gift she had gotten for Pat and set it under the tree with the other pile of presents lying around.

“So I’ve got a hat with numbers. Everyone draws a number and that determines the order in which presents are opened before the next person goes,” Kennedy explained.

“Wait, but we’re not exchanging gifts? Like this isn’t Dirty Santa….” Garrett asked confused.

“Right.”

“Then why the hell do we need an order?” Garrett chuckled.

“To keep you fuckers from rioting,” Tim laughed.

They all drew numbers and one by one each person opened their gifts, most of the time correctly guessing who their “Secret Santa” was. Chaney was one of the last ones and opened her package. Her grin widened when she saw an orange 8123 duffle bag in her box. She instantly looked at Tim with an accusatory smirk.

“Tim…” she said with confidence.

He held up his hands. “It wasn’t me. Sorry Chaney,” he chuckled.

She looked around the room to see if she could figure it out. Most of the other guys had shifted their attention to other conversations. She happened to catch John’s eye and he smiled and gave her a small wink before turning back to his conversation. She laughed it off, wondering how he found out.

Halvo kept to himself most of the night as well. He was more than distracted at the moment. He kept his eyes trained on Chaney throughout the night and couldn’t bring himself to talk to her. He knew he hadn’t been the friend he had been in the past. The fact that he broke his promise to always be there for Chaney was eating at him. He just hoped when she found the note in her duffle bag, she would understand. He knew in putting a note in there it defeated the purpose of it being secret, but right now she was ignoring his calls and texts with good reason.

After the gift exchange, Chaney found herself mostly talking with Pat as he had become a close friend to her as of late. She found his personality contagious and couldn’t help but feel like she could tackle whatever came her way. Next to John, she hoped to keep in touch with Pat because he was super supportive of her artwork and was just an overall positive guy. The upbeat attitude he always exuded was something she wanted to keep around. Not to mention, he was just a fun person to hang out with.

Halvo couldn’t help but feel slightly hurt that she seemed to disregard the duffle bag so easily. Honestly the party wasn’t as fun as he was hoping it would be. He typically spent his nights at parties like these with Chaney. In the past, his role was always trying to convince her to talk to John while she would argue with him about all the reasons why she would never be a good match for him. Truth was, Halvo had always known just how good of a match the pair would be, which is why he never introduced the two.

Sure he brought her to these parties, but he always knew that Chaney would never have the guts to approach John. That’s why he was never worried about losing her. That is until he had to open his mouth and practically force the two together by making John take her home after the New Year’s party last year. It wasn’t a problem until he realized that by doing so, he had potential to actually lose Chaney. Now he was forever kicking himself for introducing her to John. He wished he had kept his mouth shut.

Now as he looked at her across the room, he saw how well she fit in with everyone else, and while he was glad, he missed having her to himself. Maybe it was selfish of him to want her for himself. But after having that for roughly 15 years, it was hard to let that go.

He chugged the last of his beer and made his way to the kitchen to throw it away as he snuck out the back door to head to his car and drive back to his apartment. He didn’t spot Chaney’s car amongst those lining the streets, meaning she most likely rode in with John. The thought made his blood boil as he hopped in his car and sped off.

The party started to dwindle down a couple hours later. Chaney was thankful for the additional day off work the following day, so she anticipated sleeping in and packing. She waved goodbye to the rest of the guys and Kelly, whom she’d barely talked to the entire night.

Chaney hopped into John’s Jeep as he drove her to the park to retrieve her car. The drive was silent. Chaney clutching onto her newly received duffle bag as she looked out the window, taking in the Arizona scenery and trying to memorize every detail.

He pulled into a spot next to her car. “Hey, I’m uh, I’m gonna follow your car back to your apartment to make sure you get back alright and inside. I figured it would save you a phone call,” he nervously chuckled.

“Thanks John, again,” she sheepishly said as she bit her lip. “I uh, I might not have made it if you weren’t there,” she admitted. “I haven’t had a panic attack that bad since I was a kid.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” he said with a small smile.

She smiled and ducked her head slightly, her hair falling into her face.

John moved to tuck some of the strands of hair behind her ears and the action caused her to look up at him. The pair stared at each other, John swallowing thickly as he knew what he wanted to do but had to fight the urge. He didn’t want to hurt his best friend by going after his girl. It’s not the kind of guy John was. The way Chaney was looking at him didn’t help matters any.

Chaney didn’t know why, but something inside of her started to stir and she couldn’t figure out what it was. The feel of John’s hand on her face burned her skin in a way no other touch had ignited her before.

Like some sort of unspoken agreement between their gazes, John pulled her forward as she reached for his face to pull it towards hers. The pair started passionately kissing as if their lives depended on it.

In between kisses, Chaney mumbled against his mouth, “What are we doing?”

John hummed against her skin as he began kissing her neck. “I don’t know,” he said against her neck.

Chaney didn’t know what came over her but she couldn’t bring herself to stop what was happening. Something in it felt all too right; more so now than the last time this happened. The last time she was kissing John to move on past Halvo. Now though? She couldn’t place what was going on with her. Everything just seemed to make sense in some inexpiable way.

Something in this moment was filled with some sort of passion between the two. The last kisses they shared were slow, and were spent relishing the moment. The kisses they shared now were full of passion and lust. It was so different from anything Chaney had felt or experienced before. John began to tug at the bottom of her shirt to pull over her head before she stopped and suggested they move to the back.

The bag in her lap was quickly shoved to the floor as they got out to move to the back to get more comfortable. The note from inside the duffle bag falling out onto the floorboard of John’s Jeep in her haste to move to the back.

John had laid her down on the backseat and they quickly resumed what had previously started. She tugged at his shirt, quickly pulling it off his torso as he moved to attach his lips to her neck. She arched into his touch as his hands moved down her sides and slowly moved to raise her shirt.

Chaney sat up enough for him to remove her shirt and unhook her bra, which she quickly threw onto the floor. He reached for her jeans and looked at her as if to ask permission and she nodded.

This intimately passionate moment shared between John and Chaney was seemingly out of nowhere, yet neither could deny how right it felt. John knew part of him would probably regret this later, but the bigger part of him knew he would regret it more if he didn’t somehow show Chaney the feelings he had been harboring towards her.

Chaney didn’t have any regrets and didn’t think she ever would. This is something she needed. Her bond with John had always been special and something about them had always clicked. It was almost as if she relieving the tension that had built up between the pair over the last few months. She craved his presence as she continuously pulled him closer to her. His presence being the calm and comfort she had come to know and appreciate over the past few months. She couldn’t deny she had grown to have real feelings for John. Part of her heart belonged to Halvo, and always would. However, she was ready to move on, and her relationship with John was something she greatly treasured in recent days.

This was their way of saying goodbye. They both knew that this would likely be the last time they saw each other until New Year’s Eve, and that they wouldn’t be able to have the goodbye they both needed. They definitely wouldn’t be able to act the way they were now, in public. Not to mention, Chaney had to leave early New Year’s Day to make her drive to San Francisco. So this night, was their own way of saying goodbye to each other. Every sigh, every touch, every kiss held so much meaning. They poured all of themselves into this moment, wanting to make sure they left things completely out in the open; with no words left unsaid.

As the pair laid breathless, silently embracing and stealing small kisses, Chaney had long forgotten about her belongings in the front. Particularly the duffle bag with the hidden note that was now discarded on the floor.

Indy,

A little birdie told me you were in need of a duffle bag. I had this one that I wasn’t using and figured I’d pass a little something on to you. I know it’s not much, but I wanted you to have a small piece of me to carry with you. Hopefully one day you can forgive me for being such a shitty person. I’ll always love you.

Halvo