...And a Happy New Year

December 31, 2014

One year. Chaney stood in her room as she scanned her closet for her outfit for the night. She couldn’t believe that a year ago she was standing with Halvo asking for advice on how to talk to John. Here she stands a year later and just a few days prior she and John had slept together. She was still in shock over the fact that their relationship had taken such a turn. Not that she minded, but she was still torn. Her head and heart seemed to be in completely different places. She was so torn over how she felt. Her relationship with Halvo had always been easy. Then feelings got involved and drama happened, and now she didn’t know if her and Halvo would ever be on normal terms again. Then there’s John. Their relationship had never been quite so simple. They had their ups and downs, and more times than not one of them hated the other’s guts. But when things were good between them, they were great. Now things were complicated between them as she had just shared a very vulnerable part of herself with a guy she’s dreamed about being with since she was a kid.

She shook it off as she shuffled through the couple of clothing items she had left hanging on the rack in her closet. She grabbed a dress that she bought a couple weeks prior for that night and draped it across her bed. She looked around her empty room. Boxes were packed and stacked all around her. Alex was staying in her apartment and she was leaving early the next morning to make the drive to San Francisco. Alex was going to help her move. She would have asked John or some of the other guys, but she didn’t want to make a show of it, and by this point, she was just ready to get away. Her feelings about everything going on was complex enough as it was.

With a sigh, she stripped from her clothes that she had been wearing while she packed up the last of her things and started to get ready for the night. She pulled on her strapless white, floor-length dress. It was adorned with glittering gold patterns all over. She typically wouldn’t dress up so fancy, but in a sense, tonight was a send-off. No one else but Alex, John, and Pat knew. She didn’t tell anyone else, and requested they didn’t either. She hated being so secretive about it, but she was ready to take charge and do something for herself. Something she wouldn’t have done, or been able to do, a year ago.

Reflecting back on the past year, she realized just how much she had changed. She rekindled her love of painting. She finally learned to take a stand for herself. She patched things up with her brother; for the most part. She took a chance on relationships and experienced her first true heartbreak. She made a lot of new friends, and lost her one life-long best friend. She learned how to live with the mundane and how she had to forge her own path in life if she wanted it to change. She learned to just love herself. Something she had never really done before. For the first time in her life she was taking charge of her life for her and wasn’t going to let others’ opinions of who and what she should be dictate her life. She felt a new sense of independence and control over her life. She was going to go into this party tonight with the new-found confidence she had acquired over the year and just accept whatever happened to her that night as it came.

Once she dressed and did her hair, she made a slow walk through the apartment that had become the home she had been longing for. Her hands gently grazed various surfaces of the flat as hundreds of memories flashed through her head of events that happened in those places. She stood in the mostly empty living room and memories of the day she moved in run through her mind. The guys all helping move in furniture. Her and Halvo had just started their relationship; back when Chaney was trying to figure out what was going on between them. Her thoughts on what relationships were, was still so vague and she was trying to figure it out. Even now, months later, the concept still seemed foreign to her.

Memories of her and Halvo in her apartment brought a pang to her chest. She stepped from the living room and through the kitchen to the landing outside her kitchen. As she stood on the landing, looking over the city below her, she could almost feel John’s presence beside her. He had become an unlikely friend over the last year. There was something about him that she wasn’t expecting as a friend. She always knew he was a good guy, but what she wasn’t expecting was his support and push into her getting back into art. That aspect of his friendship had been something she loved most about him. As a fellow creative, he just got it. Halvo was a musician and creative in his own sense. However something about John was so different. For Halvo, even though it was his job and something he enjoyed, that’s all it seemed to be for him. For John, it was how he survived. It’s what got him up in the morning and what pushed him to keep trying to better himself. A trait she saw reflected in her past self when she used to have a glimmer of confidence in who she was. John brought that part of herself out of the shadows and was teaching her to embrace that side of who she once was. A part of herself she thought she had lost long ago. Despite all of the ups and downs she’d had with John over the year, she would never be able to thank him enough for what he has helped her with; how he’s helped her find a piece of herself.

As she stood there, she reflected on what happened between her and John a few days ago. She remembered the way his body felt over hers, and the way his lips felt against her skin. The way he made her feel so wanted and was able to pour so much emotion into the way he sighed her name into her skin. Her body flushed at the thought and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to face him that night. She didn’t know if she could face Halvo that night. What she shared with John was their own weird way of saying goodbye. Their friendship had always been passionate in one way or another from the passion in their hatred of the other, to the passion of their support for each other. The other night in the back of his Jeep was no exception. Sure, it wasn’t the classiest way to spend your first time with someone, but with John it worked. It was spontaneous and full of passion just like their relationship had always been.

Her thoughts were interrupted as she heard Alex open the door to the landing. “Are you about ready to head out?” he asked as he was fixing his tie.

She nodded. “Yeah, let’s head out. I want to be able to visit with people before midnight. I wanna leave not long after because we’ve got an early morning and a decent drive ahead of us,” she said as she followed him inside.

The two made their way out to his car and drove to the party in silence. Her mind was too flooded with thoughts to focus on any form of conversation. Alex seemed to sense her less than willingness to talk and let her be. She was trapped in her mind with fears for what San Francisco would bring, but also excitement. However once they turned down that familiar street, her heart began to race as she became incredibly nervous about what that night would entail. Her feelings were in the balance and quite frankly she wasn’t sure what to do with them. Alex parked the car along the side of the street and the pair walked inside. These parties were always so casual, but they always dressed to the nine for New Year’s Eve and tonight was no exception.

Alex knocked on the door of Tim’s house and he opened the door, greeting them each with a hug as he let them in. Alex went off to say hi to some of the guys while Chaney went straight for the alcohol. Her go-to first move whenever she went to parties. She still wasn’t the best at social gatherings so she relied on the liquid courage to loosen her up a bit. She made her way to the kitchen to pour herself a strong drink as she heard an all-too familiar voice come from behind her.

“Kicking the night off early?” Halvo teased as he reached for his own cup and poison for the night.

“Uh, yeah,” she nervously chuckled. “You know me and crowds.”

He smiled as he grabbed a handle of jack and poured a hearty amount into his cup before adding a bit of coke in.

“Yeah, you never were that good with groups of people huh? Some things never change do they?”

She couldn’t tell if there was a bit of bitterness laced in his words or not but didn’t push it as she grabbed some vodka and fruit juice. She would hit the harder liquor later in the night. Right now she just wanted to loosen up a bit.

Halvo didn’t say another word and made his way back out to join the rest of the party.

With a sigh, she mixed her drink and made her way out to the living room to see if she could find any of the guys. She took her old spot against the wall, as she sipped her drink and kept an eye out on the people around her.

“What’re ya d-doin against the w-w-wall?” Pat asked as he joined her.

She turned her head and smiled. Something about this scene seeming all too familiar. “Just keeping an eye out,” she chuckled. Her eyes scanned the room and she spotted John on the other side of the room chatting and cutting up with Jared and Kennedy. He happened to turn his head and caught her eye. He gave her a smile and winked a bit before subtly motioning with his head to meet him outside. She nodded slightly before resuming her conversation with Pat.

Pat chuckled at her statement, completely oblivious to the silent exchange Chaney was having with John. “Well don’t be a wallflower all night!” he encouraged. “S-so have you f-finished packing yet?”

She sighed and turned her head to face him. “Yeah, I finished the last of it today. I just have the essentials to load in the moving truck in the morning before Alex follows me up to San Fran. It’s gonna be weird leaving this place,” she mused as she took a sip of her drink.

“Yeah, b-but that doesn’t m-m-mean that it w-won’t be worth it. Great th-th-things are ahead of y-you. D-don’t be afraid to take the l-leap.”

She smiled as she took his words to heart. “Thanks Pat,” she said as she leaned and gave him a friendly peck on the cheek. “You’ve always been super encouraging and just an all-around great guy. I hated that we never got to know each other better over the years, or even since we met,” she pouted.

He laughed a bit and blushed at her words and gesture. “Well, we can st-start n-n-now. It’ll be harder since you’ll be in California, but we’ll be up there f-for shows. John and I will b-be there for y-your galleries. We’ll m-m-make it w-work,” he smiled.

She grinned. “Ya know, I may just have to plan special trips with you where we can cook together. You seem to know your way around the kitchen and I’d love to learn some of your cooking expertise.”

“Deal,” he smiled. “Well, I’m gonna go socialize a bit. Will I see you again b-b-before you leave?”

She smiled, “I’ll come find you at midnight.”

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. “If y-you say so. I’ll see ya later Chaney.” He then made his way around to a group of people not far from them and greeted them.

Halvo had been standing not too far away from Chaney, his back turned to her so she didn’t notice him standing there, but he heard her words and his heart broke slightly. Chaney was leaving, not only that but she was moving, and she didn’t even tell him.

She looked around the room to see that John was gone so she moved her way through the crowd and made her way outside.

Halvo saw her make her way outside, noticing John had gone outside a few moments prior. It was official. She had chosen John, and he would have to learn to accept that. He sighed defeated as he went to drown his sorrows in booze and attempt to enjoy the rest of his night. He screwed things up with her and he had no one else to blame but himself.

Chaney quietly closed the porch door behind her as she met John outside. “Jesus John, did you pick a cold enough place to meet up?” she chuckled as she shivered, crossing her arms across her chest as goosebumps broke across her skin.

He laughed as he put his hands up to his mouth to blow his warm breath on them to warm them up. “I didn’t know it would be this cold,” he chuckled. “Besides, didn’t you bring a jacket with you?” he asked with a quirked brow and mischievous smirk.

She shot him a glare. “No,” she muttered. “I wasn’t expecting to have to go outside for more than a few seconds,” she mumbled.

He laughed as he pulled his leather jacket over his frame tighter. “Man, this jacket is so warm,” he mused. “I’m so glad I remembered to wear it tonight,” he said, trying to keep from busting out with laughter.

Chaney punched his arm with a laugh. “You’re such an ass O’Callaghan.”

“At least I have one,” he said with a proud smirk.

“My god, please don’t tell me we’re having this conversation again,” she chuckled. “I thought it was established that an ass is something you don’t have...one of your lacking assets so to speak,” she said over a smirk.

He playfully shoved her. “Who’s the ass now huh?” he chuckled.

They both quietly laughed before looking out at the backyard. Silence fell over the pair as they stood there for a few moments, Chaney shaking from the cold as they continued to stand outside. John looked at her peripherally and saw her shaking in failed attempts to stay warm. He smiled to himself and removed his jacket as he was wearing a suit jacket under his leather jacket. He draped it over her shoulders.

She looked at him perplexed as she reached up to pull the jacket closer to her. “Thanks John,” she mumbled.

“So what happens now?” he asked as he kept his gaze out on the backyard.

She sighed, “John, you know I’m moving tomorrow. That’s not changing,” she pointedly replied.

“I know. But what does that mean for us?” he asked, his gaze never wavering from his intense stare ahead.

“You know there’s no ‘us’, John,” she mumbled.

“Oh, so is that what was happening a few nights ago? You were just telling me as you fucked me into oblivion that there’s nothing between us? Thanks for clearing that up,” he said monotone.

She rolled her eyes. “You know as well as I do that that wasn’t the case at all.”

“Really? Could’ve fooled me. For a few moments there, I thought we actually had something.”

“We do. Just...not like that.”

“Then why did you do it?” he asked perplexed as he tuned his head to face her.

“Because it felt like that’s what I needed to do at the time,” she admitted.

“What, so you just whore yourself out whenever the feeling arises? Wow, great life plan you have there Chane,” he deadpanned.

“God, are we really going to spend the last night together fighting? I was hoping we could have some closure before I had to leave tomorrow.”

“Yeah? Well I was hoping you would finally admit what you’ve been too afraid to admit. But I guess we can’t always get what we want huh?”

“Will you stop being a baby for five minutes so we can talk this out like adults? God, sometimes I don’t know who’s worse; you or Halvo,” she grumbled.

“For once, can you not bring him up into every conversation we have? I get that you’re still hung up on him or whatever, and I pushed past that thinking you felt the same for me. I took that chance on you.”

“Yeah well I risked my relationship and friendship with a guy I’ve known my entire life just to get you to notice I existed. Looks like we all have to make sacrifices here,” she countered.

Silence fell between them again before John spoke again, only this time more gentle than before.

“Why are we always like this? We’re either at each other’s throats or we’re getting along as if we’ve been close forever. There’s no middle ground here. I’m so sick of this constant switch between love, hate, and lust with you. Why can’t we just go back to being friends without all of this….complication?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure it out, too. We’re both passionate, hard-headed people. What do you expect?”

He sighed as the pair continued to stare out at the backyard.

“Things won’t ever be the same will they?” Chaney asked.

“What things?”

“Us. Me and Halvo. Our lives. Take your pick.”

John ran a hand through his hair as he contemplated his answer. “I honestly don’t know. I would like to keep you around. Contrary to how much we butt heads, you’ve actually been a really good friend for me to have. You’ve challenged me in ways I’ve never been challenged before.”

“So where does this leave us?”

He shrugged and turned towards her. “I’m not really sure. Where do you want it to leave us?”

She turned towards him and carefully removed his jacket from her arms. She walked the short distance between them and left a lingering kiss on his cheek and pulled back as she handed him his jacket. “I’d like for us to be on good terms. You’ve been a good friend for me too and I’d hate to lose that weird connection we have over something like this,” she admitted.

He nodded, not overly thrilled with her reply, but accepting nonetheless. “I can live with that if you can. Friends?” he asked as he held his hand out.

She smiled and nodded as she took his hand and shook it. He took her hand and pulled her to him into a hug “You’re gonna do great things, kid. You’ve got big things waiting for you out there in San Francisco and you’re gonna blow them away. Knock ‘em dead Van Gogh. I’ll be here rooting for you every step of the way,” he whispered into her hair.

She nodded her head against him and pulled away. “Thanks for always being there John. Don’t be a stranger,” she smiled lightly before walking inside.

It was nearing midnight and Chaney had kept to herself most of the night, occasionally chatting with some of the other guys as she ran into them. A couple minutes before the new year, champagne glasses were passed out and poured. She grabbed her glass and made her way to join the rest of the group as she waited for the clock to strike midnight. She spotted Pat and made her way over to him.

“I told you I’d find you at midnight,” she chuckled. “So do you have anyone special to kiss at midnight?” she asked.

He laughed and shook his head. “Nah. I’d rather have a dog than a girlfriend.”

His statement made her laugh. “Well would you settle for a friendly peck on the cheek to bring in the new year?”

He smiled. “Yeah, I think I can deal with that.”

They stood with the rest of the group as the TV was quickly turned on to watch the ball drop and count down the remaining few seconds of the year. She looked around the room and saw faces of people that had become friends of hers over this last year. Some old, some new.

She spotted Halvo and he was against the wall, avoiding eye contact with everybody as his eyes were focused on the drink in his hand. The sight alone breaking her heart. She still had feelings for him and hoped to one day work things out with him.

She spotted John standing by Tim and Ashley. John gave her a sad smile and slightly raised his glass towards her. She smiled slightly back and slightly raised her glass in reply.

She saw Jared and Tessa who had an arm wrapped around each other as they excitedly watched the TV in anticipation of the new year; so in love. The sight made Chaney’s heart both swell and break. They had something she longed for; something she once had that she feared she would never have again.

She spotted Alex, and under his arm was Melinda. She smiled because she hadn’t seen her brother look so happy. Even if his relationship with Melinda was new, it was good for him. She could tell she made him happy. She noticed a change in Alex over this year and the bitterness he once seemed to harbor had dissipated.

Her eyes scanned around the rest of the room and it was like time stood still as she took in memories she had with the people surrounding her. The lifetime she seemed to have lived in this year as she was silently saying goodbye to it all as she prepared herself to move on to bigger and better things on the west coast.

The final ten seconds were counting down as the crowd started counting down the new year. She took a steadying breath as she joined in with the countdown.

“3….2….1….HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

Chaney turned to Pat and they gave each other a quick peck on the cheek and clinked their glasses together as they took a sip of champagne. She went around the room, wishing the guys all a happy new year as everyone started singing along to Auld Lang Syne.

She quietly snuck out of the house, and made her way to Alex’s car. He left her the keys earlier in the night since Melinda was meeting him at the house. She knew he would end up getting a ride with her. She hopped in the car, taking one last look at the house that both began and ended her journey to self discovery there. She took a deep breath, turning on the car. She was now onto new adventures and hopefully a fresh start. A new year. A new home. A new job. A new her. She was determined to take the lessons she’d learned here and make something of herself in San Francisco. This place and these people would always be a part of her.