Suffocate

My body was numb with cold by the time we left the water and I felt a lot lighter in myself. Neither of us had made any stupid comment when we finally separated our entwined limbs. The warmth of his body wasn’t enough anymore and I could feel the hairs on my arms standing upright. “I have no idea what happened to our bottoms.”

I sniggered, stretching out my arms, having to push myself off the soft ground to tread water, so I wasn’t struggling to breathe. “Here,” He seemed to fish out my panties, pressing them a little awkwardly in my hand, “They’re a bit...”

“Well I’m not walking up the path without them on.” I smirked, meeting his eyes quickly before dropping his gaze, trying awkwardly to slip them on. “You can have my shirt, it should cover you.” He offered, obviously doing the same under the black water.

The moon was covered with thick clouds I hadn’t noticed form that sheet and it was starting to rain, large raindrops causing ripples around me as I stood perfectly still.

We still hadn’t addressed it, what had just happened, but then did it need it?

What I needed right now was to be warm, to sleep for tomorrow. Well, today, the reaping. It all hit me again in a split second and I winced, his hand on my shoulder in an instant, rubbing softly. “You want to head in?” I nodded and his fingers played with the ends of my hair as we waded to a lower bank, him clambering out first, my crumpled dripping dress in his hand as he offered me his other.

I took it, the breeze was a touch warmer than the water but I was still coated in goose bumps, crossing my arms over my waist with a shiver. “Here.” He darted off, coming back with a long shirt, as I squeezed out my hair, letting him place it over my head and tug it further down so it grazed just under my buttocks.

I let my eyes dance over him, feeling a prick of anxiety and worry flutter over me, “Are we okay?” His head tilted, “I mean, after...” He took a step closer, catching my lips again and giving me an answer that didn’t need words.

I let him lead me back to him, embracing the warmth the minute the door behind me closed, I knew my way through his house blindly. I’d spend enough years treading the same route back and forth that the lack of lights did little to distract me. “I’ll put it...”

“Just leave it somewhere, it doesn’t matter.” I said lightly, treading up the stairs with him behind, walking straight into the bathroom and grimacing at my face and hair. “I’m going to have to have a shower, is that okay?”

“Of Course it is.” He smiled, suddenly looking shy, his eyes drifted over me and self consciousness hit.

Maybe he’d regret it, he’d seen me in swimming costumes and things before but the lighting was so stark and I was covered in scars of scratches from when Luka had died. What if he found me repulsive suddenly? “I...”

“It’s fine, I’ll see you in a minute.” He pulled the door closed gently and I let out an uncomfortable breath. What if he did regret it all? Was it just another mistake, a blip on our friendship.

But he hadn’t given me any sign of it, this was just me, forming theories out of a glance, a word.
It was the paranoia, that innate sense I didn’t deserve it, to be here in any sense.

And I was going to have to help, or even kill others myself. I wasn’t sure if I could do that again.
But at least Finnick would be there, in the worst place possible. I swallowed, I’d frozen completely, staring at my reflection in the wall length mirror.

I got what Thom said when he said I looked healthier. I did, my ribs weren’t painfully visible at all times, and my hip bones didn’t protrude as much. I looked better, but then that felt vain to even consider.

I slipped off my soaking underwear, it sticking to me as I peeled it off and dropped them onto the floor; stepping into the large porcelain tub and turning the handle, the fresh clean water stinging due to the heat difference. But it felt better, so much better. I massaged shampoo into my scalp, it smelt like him and when I rubbed the soap over myself it was his hands stroking me. Another flood of arousal washed over me.

My head was all over the place. I needed that confirmation, I knew that. To have any chance of settling I needed him to say exactly where we stood, how he felt. When we got to the Capitol our every move would be watched, judged. It had to be before then, there had to be some sense.

I rinsed off and stepped out, wrapping the warm towel around my body, running a smaller one though my hair as I moved back into his bedroom. He was already on the bed, fiddling with a coin, pushing it between the fingers on his right hand and swearing when it fell.

“It’s supposed to be good for dexterity and stuff.” He told me, although I hadn’t asked, watching as he gave up and flicked it away, “I laid out some stuff.” I spotted the bobbled jumper and shorts on his bed and thanked him although quickly my face fell.

Did I get changed in front of him? Was that an acceptable thing to do? I had less than an idea of how to be in a normal relationship, and whatever this was certainly wasn’t going to fi...

“I can close my eyes if you want.”

“No,” I stumbled, “That’s stupid...I just...don’t know how to react.” I saw the offense hit his face and quickly back peddled, “Not like that, I don’t know how to react now, after. I don’t know how you feel or what is supposed to happen.” He slunk off the bed to stand next to me.

“I’m going to go brush my teeth.” I had been awaiting some big speech to clear my mind, make the whole situation make sense. Instead I nodded, dressing quickly whilst I could hear him. I wanted to brush mine and it had even gotten to the point beforehand when I was here so much I did, and I knew the spare toothbrush was in the cabinet beneath the sink.

It was stupid of me to act so ridiculous after what had just happened. I had one night left in Four. And fuck it I was going to enjoy it. I strolled back in and he spat out the foam, taking a large gulp of water.

I smiled, leaning against the doorframe in the way he always did. I was sure I looked far from seductive through, tired, awkward. He smiled back but went to walk past me, letting me catch him and push up onto my tiptoes, connecting our lips passionately.


I hadn’t looked at the clock before we had eventually slept, but when I woke up, barely risking moving my head in the fear of doing the same to him it was only close to six in the morning. His arm twitched and I shuffled back into him, the feel of his chest against my back was the most comforting thing there could be and I drifted back off.

It was him waking first and trying to retract his arm from over me that brought me back to the day again, rubbing a weary hand over my face and mumbling something not even I understood. “Are you having another shower before Naloh gets here?” I whined again, and his chuckle was delicious, but not half as much as his lips pressing against my naked shoulder.

I twisted slowly and his lips met mine this time, hand sliding to tangle into my hair in a way that made me gasp lightly. “What time is it?” I murmured when he’d released me, my eyes still a little bleary as I glared at the clock.

“Half seven.”

“Shit.” He nodded, rolling away from me, not at all it seemed embarrassed by the idea of being naked and walking to a large oak chest of draws, pulling up some jogging bottoms I remembered him wearing during the weeks spent training.

“Well,” I breathed, pulling the cover up under my arm pits, “At least in four hours we’ll be on the way, won’t we?” He messed up his further, sitting on the edge of the bed close to me, flattening a curl on top of my head that must have been particularly unruly.

I felt myself blush at the intensity of his gaze. “Don’t look at me like that.” I furrowed my brow, “It’s really hard to talk to you when you pull that face.” I went to ask what he meant but he cut me off, “Elenia...” he sighed and I felt my heart drop to my stomach, that tone was never a good sign. “Later on...”

“We are not going through this again.” I growled, sick of the constant simmering argument, I’d lost count of how many times I had had to assure him I was going in, with him once I knew he was.

“If my names drawn, it doesn’t matter either way.” He pursed his lips at me and I bit. “What?”

“Mags was saying...”

“Mag’s doesn’t say.” I snapped, “And that’s not fair! I’m ready to go in!”

“I don’t want you to go in!” He lifted his voice, “Why don’t you understand that? You being in there is the very last thing I would ever want!” I dropped back properly onto the bed, tasting blood from my teeth chewing my lips. He shifted over closer, “Seriously Elenia, it isn’t safe in there.” I almost snorted at the ridiculousness of his understatement, “I want you outside, there’s no-one I’d trust more as a mentor than...”

“Me? I have never brought anybody back, I’ve been a shit mentor every year, so don’t use that as an excuse!” he’d clearly had a little speech through up and drilled into him. “This was decided Finnick, it was, and I can’t believe you and Mags would have another little side plot I’m kept out of.”

He opened his mouth, “You can’t tell me things like you did and then expect me to be fine with watching you in there, you...and Mags?!” The lines on his forehead reappeared, deeper than ever.

“Mags is going to volunteer either way, I know she is.”

“Not if her name is drawn and I do.” I bit, he shook his head and my heart ached.

“Please don’t.” I felt my mouth flap, barely managing to stutter the beginning of my sentence,” I mean it.”

“T...then why did we train? Why did we do any of this?! If you were just holding more fucking secrets from me?” His teeth dug into his lip, and he took a moment to actually meet my gaze.

“Just please don’t go in there.”


Two hours and counting until the reaping.

I’d barely made it back before Naloh had arrived, tutting at the condition of my hair. I just offered him a tired look, I was exhausted, the last half an hour alone had sucked the couple of hours of sleep out of me.

I couldn’t even make sense of it, I just let him push a large decorated box from Luine into my arms, let him whisper a tense and unapologetic “Don’t look so worried.” Before he hushed me upstairs. I didn’t argue, there was enough of that bouncing between my ears.

I’d tried so hard, accepted it for so long that I was going in. We had a plan.
But so did they, yet another that only included me as a last resort.

He didn’t want me to go in, he’d been saying that for months, but not that that not in that situation. I swallowed and it was just venom, throwing the box onto my perfectly made bed.
I was still in his clothes for fuck sake.

I hadn’t stormed out, the very opposite. I’d frozen again, the walls sucked in, trapping me with my thoughts.

“You didn’t come back last night them.” Thom’s voice rang out, “With Finnick I guess?”

I didn’t have time for his weak attempt at humour, yanking him in roughly and closing the door.

“If everything works out I’ll see you at...”

“Yeah, of course you will.” His brow furrowed, “What’s happened now?”

“Finnick doesn’t want me to go in.”

“Well of course he doesn’t...doesn’t take a genius too...”

“Not like that!” I spat through clenched teeth, “He pushed it on me so much, he’s been plotting with Mags about making sure it isn’t me!”

He nodded slowly, “And you’re mad about that? Obviously...” He took a step back as I swung around.

“We’ve been training for eight weeks for this, we talked strategy, planning and the whole time...fuck it.” I kicked at the door, my foot bursting with pain, “Everyone is lying to me!”

He came over, trapping my arms by my sides with his own, “He wants you safe, you can’t be mad at him for that!” He spoke over my angered phrase in return, “And no-one is lying to you, there’s limits, its about keeping you safe!”

“I made my peace weeks ago with going in, I tortured myself thinking about dying and I think I got over it, I accepted it and he’s taking that away from me so I can sit there and watch him and Mags die instead! That is not fair!” I stopped struggling, sobs taking the place of shouting, breaking through my lies.

I was nowhere near ready to die, however I tried on occasion to trick myself. I had to go in, what if it did work, and they all escaped to Thirteen? I’d be trapped in the Capitol, accused, worse than dead probably. But that wasn’t it, I knew it wasn’t.

I’d done such horrible things in there, if I could in any way redeem if for this cause, for my brothers, both of them...if I could keep just one of them alive it would be worth the risk. “I have to go in.” I choked, he held me at arms length.

“Okay.” He took a deep breath, “You need to get dressed and ready, did you agree to what Finnick asked?” I nodded stiffly, in the end I had. “Well, either way, you can ignore her volunteering in your place, or you’ll have to be quicker, you’re more vocal so...”

“What if he hates me for it?”

He didn’t answer me, just telling me again to get ready, Naloh knocking at my door telling me I had forty minutes and to get a move on.

“He’s such a delight.” Thom joked stiffly, “I better get dressed, I love you okay, it will be fine.”

Either way I could die. I watched him leave, if I stayed, mentored and it went wrong, I’d watch them all die, eventually they would all be found out. I’d suffer through Thoms death, the executions of so many and inevitably my own. Even if they made it they wouldn’t leave with me. The peacekeepers would knew I was aware of the plot.

And if I went in and it failed, that was death, painful maybe, I had no idea.

But if I went in and it worked...it was unimaginable what could actually happen, the change.

“Elenia, now!" Naloh barked sticking his head in, “And we can’t have you all red eyed for the cameras.” I bit my tongue, “Seriously, sort your face and hair out, honestly it’s...”

“Why don’t you just go and fuck yourself Naloh!” I screeched, slamming the door in his face, a little disappointed it didn’t seemed to hit him and stalking to the box, ripping the clothes out. I was expecting some mass of sparking fabric, but it wasn’t too bad, trousers and a shirt so I shoved them on, still breathing through my nose, my fingers heavy and clumsy. There was a note as well, and I flipped it open,

Wear it, no choice.
High heels and make-up please!
Luine xxxxx

I rolled my eyes, screwing it up and throwing it towards the bin. It hit the edge and bounced off. If that wasn’t a fucking sign.

My teeth were clenched so hard I honestly felt they would crack under the pressure, pulling out a smaller box, a pair of boots, earrings and a headband greeted me and I shoved them on. Ripping a brush through my hair before I lay on the headband, a few of the beads resting on my forehead.

Make-up.

I did as she said with a deep frown still carved onto my face, foundation and mascara. Camera ready as much as I was ever going to be. How was I going to do it, the volunteering? Or shooting down Mags? If it was too fast it was obvious.

But then Finnick, he’d been so earnest so...

I had to go in, that was that.

“Ready to go?” Thom reappeared, offering me his arm, “You look nice.” I managed a tiny smile.

“Is everything in the car?”

“Yup. And we’ll see you in the hour after.” He squeezed my hand tight, “Are we ready to go?”

“I don’t know, are we?”


I wasn’t, but I took my place at the side of the platform with Mags and Andromeda, a prick of my finger and a smear of blood to sign in. I kept aiming looks at Finnick, but he wasn’t looking in my direction whatsoever, making small talk with the other male victors. I glanced at the bowl of paper, if he was right every slip had his name written on it in the finest ink.

We began too slowly, the major came out, shooting us an apologetic look before he said his few words, explained the purpose of the Third Quarter Quell, why it was special. Naloh stepped forward, doing the obligatory “Ladies first.” chime into the microphone. Mags groped for my hand, and as furious as I was at her I let her, it was dry where mine was sweaty, it was my mouth that was a desert.

He lifted the paper up so slowly that I thought I was going to go into cardiac arrest, my shirt felt too tight on my body, not letting me breath.

“Elenia Volute.” I blinked, letting out a slow breath and nodding before I felt Mags hand slip from mine, and saw her arm reach into the air.