Suffocate

“No,” I yelped, surprising myself, yanking her arm down forcefully, “No Mags.” It turned into a growl, “Don’t!” I spun, that poisonous spark already regretting my decision. I saw Finnick’s jaw clenched tight. This time I refused to meet his gaze.

“I...I accept my place as tribute, okay?” Naloh tutted, he hated the dramatics, and the rules weren’t completely clear on ignoring a volunteering.

The peacekeepers had no such quarry, one stepping over and unclipping the rope that had held us in the pen, letting me walk shakily beside Naloh, him arranging me onto the proper spot where a crescent shaped scar lay in the wood.

The square was completely silent, although I could hear the voices in my head screaming at me, my heart thudding hard in my ears. I had to do it, I’d been through it all already.

And now it was too late, one sneered.

Naloh stepped away with a heavy breath but I wasn’t looking, searching for Thom in the crowd, Luisa resting on his hip, Phillus smiling at me comfortingly.

He just nodded but it was enough to make me breathe again, lifting my eyes up to the screen opposite, my name floating under the large iron coloured number Four. “And the gentlemen.” Naloh chimed into the microphone, groping for the paper containing the name I knew it would.

I watched him step forward on the screen, managing a tense smile and wave for the mass of people, and more importantly for the cameras. That was important, past of his persona, the charisma they expected. I tried to make my own face more pleasant, less tight, twisting and smiling at him before Naloh lead me a little closer, saying our names once again, announcing it properly.

The smile on Finnick’s face dropped for a split second and as we met eyes and I bit my lip, holding out my hand as we were supposed to. He went a step further, bringing me into a tight hug, a gentle kiss on my hair.

I could feel him shaking slightly, and the hug was just a little too firm. It was for the cameras so I forced my own smile, aiming it primarily at him as I pulled away and tucked some hair back like some love struck girl.

If we presented ourselves as a team straightaway that would be helpful, even if he probably wanted nothing more than to throttle me.

There was no applause from the audience, and that was a sign of respect, of honesty. I felt my chest swell but we were taken off, a female peacekeeper instantly at my side. “Straight on through.”

Another barked, and I felt my brow furrow, “No we get the hour?”

“New policy,” the woman replied a tad more softly, “Straight to the train.”

“But...” I tried to spin, hands holding me firm, “That isn’t how it goes, it’s not!...”

“Elenia.” I stopped struggling at his voice physically, but my mind was a riot. If this didn’t work out I would never see Thom again, any of them again.

I deserved my hour, it wasn’t fair but I shrugged her thick hand off of me, teeth cutting slightly into the inside of my lip as Naloh appeared, rushing over something I ignored, just aware we were going to have to wait in the car.

The driver was elsewhere so we were alone, and it didn’t take long. “What the fuck was that Elenia?" I felt my tongue dart nervously over my lower lip, staring out of the opposite window, “I don’t know.” I admitted.

“You promised.” He said tensely and I felt him shift, ”Mags tried and you just...”

“I’m sorry Finnick but I have to go in there.”

“Why? That makes no sense whatsoever!”

“Because you lied to me!” I faced him, “More than once and about so fucking much.” I sighed, trying to cool my temper, not to say too much. No doubt the car was bugged, “I spoke to Thom and he made me see sense.” His teeth gritted.

“Did he now?”

“Yeah, and it’s too late for this so please don’t have a go at me. And don’t pretend for an instance you would have been any happier for Mags to be in there with you.” I was met with silence and shuffled further back into the seat, wincing as I pulled a strip of skin from the corner of my lip, dabbing at it with my hand and making sure I left it alone before I ripped it to shreds.

“I know I should be sorry but I’m not.” I admitted gently, awkwardly moving my hand to his, glad he chose not to ignore me and clenched it quickly. Letting me be the one to pull it away as Naloh finally reappeared, climbing in tightly beside us.

“Honestly, if anything else could go wrong on this trip...”

“Trip?” I bit, Finnick squeezing my hand again to shut me up. I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest and sliding further in my seat.

“There was an issue with mentoring, start driving.” He demanded, turning to Finnick who asked the inevitable question.

“We’re supposed to have a male and female mentor, of course this year, the issues and rules aren’t quite as tight but all we managed was Mags, everyone else point blank refused to come.”

“Even if they weren’t mentoring?” Finnick continued and Naloh shook his head, long earring swinging as he did so.

“No-one wanted to come whatsoever, Mags is in the car behind with a trunk of who only knows what.” I felt my eyes tighten, feeling the growing crinkles. “So, you’ll have to deal with only one mentor, the selfishness, I tell you.”

“That’s exactly what is it. Maybe since not even victors are safe now they don’t really fancy being stuck right in the middle of it.” Naloh’s overly plump limps stretched into a thin line.

“You’re being very rude today.” I rolled my eyes, “I think I liked it better when you didn’t speak so much.” He’d lowered his voice as if just for him, but it was loud enough for everyone in the car to hear and I flushed, nails digging into my upper arms until we reached the one platform, the train waiting like a silver bullet.

That prickle of dread fluttered over my body and we stood on the platform, there had been a car in front of ours, with the same peacekeepers as before and they stood either side of us, as if they expected us to run.

My legs had flooded with adrenalin, it was exactly what my body wanted, it was terrified, it knew what was coming. We waited as Mags came over from her own car, shooting me what I could only describe as a bitter sweet smile, her eyes still slightly narrowed.

Of course she was angry as well. But she had no right to be, I was stopping her from dying in there.

She had to know that was exactly what would have happened. I sighed and we were allowed in, led to the living room as some of the guards dispersed.

“Oh, are we going to have guards on the continuously moving train now as well?” Naloh groaned, waving them away and out of the main carriage, it looked the same as every year, the plush couches, the deep wooden table with ridiculously expensive cutlery.

“Well, since the schedule has already been ruined.” He aimed a slight glare at Mags and I made a point to ‘accidentally’ bump into him as I moved past, unwillingly accepting a glass of wine, “We’ll be at the Capitol around midnight, perhaps a little later. The reapings are on at eight this evening, so I say we eat around seven and watch them?”

He waited for replies but only received one from Finnick. “Wonderful,” he took an especially long gulp of the dark liquid, “Then I suggest we all relax and take some time...” He aimed those words at me, “Beforehand. After the reapings we will change and prepare for the cameras at the platform before we head to the training centre. It’s all new this year, all been done up especially.”

He grinned and I grimaced, feeling especially sour towards him, although none of this had been his fault.

“I need air.” I choked, not waiting for an answer and leaving the carriage, aiming for the back but walking instead into what looked like a bubble, half full of plants. I frowned, slipping off my shoes, it was a new carriage, the walls, ground and ceiling were glass, letting me watch the sparse ground of Four flush past me under and around me.

This had to be one of the ‘perks’ he had mentioned. I sunk onto an armchair, pulling my knees up to my chest. It wasn’t long until we went past the Western port and I stood, enjoying my last view of the wide ocean, glimmering in the hot afternoon sun. But that was it, the train turned inland and it was gone from my view in a couple of minutes.

It was unlikely I would see it again. The odds were so stacked against us that any plan would work. I sighed, leaning back down, pulling an embroidered cushion onto my lips. The tears were threatening me again but I wouldn’t let them.

I knew the moment we left Four everything had to be different, we... I had to look confident, strong. We had to gain the trust of Twelve, do whatever we could to help what needed to happen.

I still had no clue how they meant to escape the arena, and I doubted with how I had acted that Finnick would tell me.

It was a struggle not to sink back into a negative mindset over the next couple of hours, but soon Four vanished completely as we went through a dark tunnel, it engulfed me and all too quickly I was struggling for breath. My shirt was too tight over my torso, crushing it, and I was too warm, engulfed in fabric.

I had to change.

I struggled to my feet, my breaths coming in wheezes I was struggling to keep quiet as I manoeuvred quickly down the thin hallway, dodging around peacekeepers walking into the security room and through the carriage, waving away Naloh and the attendant as he made some comment and slamming into my room.

There were five bedrooms, two for the mentors, two for the victors and one for Naloh when it was official business. We were never on the train long enough to need the beds really, excluding the Victory Tour.

I almost laughed through my panic, at least I wouldn't have to deal with that again.

I went straight for the top, trying to tug it over my head, struggling to get my arms free, the fabric over my head so I could breathe. I whined, swearing growing under my breath as I felt more and more trapped, I was going to suffocate in a fucking shirt.

“Hey, hey.” He held me firmly enough to stop my struggling although he didn’t hurt me.

“Wait, stay still.” I did, gasping raspidly, feeling a lot looser as he undid the zip I’d completely neglected and pulled it gently over my head, throwing it towards the bed. “Okay, okay? Breathe.” I tried, chest heaving although I spun and leant into his chest, hands tracing gentle shapes on my back.

“You okay?” I nodded thickly, feeling the weight on my chest lifting slowly, each breath less of a challenge, “This is why I...” His hands froze, quickly resuming their movements as he backpedaled, “Why couldn’t you just keep yourself safe?!”

I didn’t have a good answer so I said nothing, releasing myself from him and going to the wardrobe, feeling a little self conscious in my bra and pulling out a comfortable looking top, the sleeves that familiar netting style. Luine had obviously found something she liked and was running with it.

“I always find it weird how big Ten is, that even on the train it takes, what, six hours to pass through?” he commented randomly staring outside.

“Don’t do that.” I said, exhaustion had hit me very quickly, “Don’t make small talk when you have something you want to say.” He turned from the window, moving and sitting on my bed, “Are you mad at me?”

“Furious.” Came his simple reply, although he patted next to him and I sat there without argument, feeling guilty for the look currently sketched over his features. “Those are nice flowers, don’t think they’re from Four but then I never paid much attention around...”

“Finnick.” I sighed, staring at him.

“You promised me.”

“And you lied.” I answered, although my voice was far from threatening, “We have a deal, and, I spoke to Thom, about what you wouldn’t say.”

“Of course you did.” He half sang, teeth clenched “But,” the overpowering smile was back, “we’re here now so we need to work out exactly how we’re going to manage this. No changing it.”

I was a little surprised.

“Does that depend on who else was reaped?”

“To a degree, it depends on who we ally with and why.”

“Well, obviously Twelve.” I mused, although pathetically I waited for his nod of approval, keeping my voice hesitant, “No careers.”

“I wouldn’t trust any of them a bit, no matter who comes up.” This time I nodded, moving to get a glass of water from the jug on the small table in the corner, he shook his head as I offered him one.

“I am sorry.”

He was playing with his fingers. “I know.” I smiled, leaning my head on his shoulder, “Mags wants to apologise.”

“For what? I know she...” I pouted, “Did I hurt her? When I grabbed her?” If I had I would never forgive myself.

“She’s tougher than she looks, relax.” He teased, catching my chin and observing me. I pushed myself up and pressed our lips together again, it was one of the last times, it had to be.

I was also the one who broke it, practically sprawled over him, his hands again on my back, slipping around to my waist and further upwards. “We can’t keep doing this, can we?” He didn’t have to ask what I meant, my words a little broken, heavy from catching my breath and the regret of it.

We couldn’t. Finnick couldn’t, the Capitol adored him, a good third would give anything enjoy him for an hour, a night.

My stomach turned.

Him being taken, not having that glowing availability would hurt his popularity and we needed that more than anything, the sponsors he would bring in that I would never achieve.

“We’re not there yet.” He argued feebly. I gestured around the train, I’d never thought about it before but after everything that had happened over the winter, the riots, the uprising, Luka they would have done more.

It had to be bugged, the security watching both the route and us; I didn’t think we’d be able to speak openly for a while. I sighed, offering him a sympathetic smile, heart swelling wrongly at the look of disappointment in his face.

I really meant something to him, in a way I never had to anybody else.

It was fucking typical. I shrugged and he sat up, kissing me quickly again. “We’ll get through this.”

“No, we won’t.” I let myself taste him again, selfishly, realising I’d seen glimpses of screens in the security office on my way past. “I...” I stopped myself, what had I been intending to say? It would have been so stupid, love, as a word, as a theory it confused me.

How ridiculous to even say it, think it.

Feel it.

That was just another thing the games was destroying, although if they’d never been announced I doubted I would be any better than I had been before.

I let my mouth slap closed, rubbing my lips together, “I’m going to change the trousers as well, they’re too warm.”

“Alright.” He said easily, holding my face and kissing my forehead in a way that made my knees feel weak. “It’s probably time for lunch, let’s eat when you’re sorted.” I groaned loudly the moment the door clicked shut.

We ate lunch a little tensely, and I spent the afternoon curled up, watching the wide green fields of Ten pass. I could see the cattle, numbers burnt into their sides, huge red factories with tufts of smoke bursting into a deep blue and cloudless sky. Ten was a large district, one of the biggest we were taught in school. But we were never offered more than that about anywhere else.

That was a way they kept control I supposed, we knew nothing past the District boundaries. All I had to go on were my brief visits during my Victory Tour so long ago. I wasn’t drawn away again until it was dark and it was time to eat.

We all sat awkwardly, Naloh was still clearly irritated at me and I had no want to apologise. But i’d spoke to Mags quickly, apologised, been shaken away although she was obviously still upset I had not let her volunteer in my place.

And then every time I looked at Finnick my chest ached.

It wasn’t a fun meal, but I ate quite a lot, as always instantly enthralled by the wider variety of food we never got at home. I even accepted wine, but that was more to kill the butterflies that were building the closer we got to the Capitol, and to everything that came with it.

Or in the case of Finnick, what didn’t.

It was stupid, it had literally been three days since he had kissed me, less than one since anything more than that had happened. My body tingled, but I tried to ignore it.

If anyone knew it would hurt our chances, there was one ‘love struck’ couple possibly going in, depending on how their reaping had gone. It wasn’t too long until we had to find out, the wine making my head a little fuzzy, spacey.

I didn’t drink much, I had had a stage, as it seemed I always did, but yet again it had been Finnick that had persuaded me to stop it, to realise how toxic it was. I sighed, trying to save my lips I had switched to my nails, feeling one tear.

“Stop it.” Finnick pulled my hand away, placing it on my thigh, his own lingering just a little too long.

A different flock of butterflies were back and I crossed my legs, ignoring the burn as Naloh clapped his hands, pressing several buttons and making a screen emerge down from the ceiling, almost taking up half of the room. We were met with Ceaser laughing, explaining again what a marvelous and dramatic games this would be. I felt the pressure on my jaw again listening to his lies until he finally started the recap.

We watched the reapings with few comments, only from Finnick and Naloh. I was completely silent, seeing everyone drawn. Cashmere and Gloss from One, Enobaria and Brutus from Two.

The career pack, and from what I could recall from that book Mags had given me weeks ago and from the basics I had learnt directly from them and others.

Dangerous.

Enobaria looked it, smiling widely as she volunteered, teeth dipped in gold. I’d met her a couple of times, never pleasantly. Cashmere and Gloss on the other hand, Capitol favourites who came every year to be lavished with gifts and attention had always been kind. Maybe it was because of Tyger. I leant back, watching Beetee and Wiress, neither I knew well.

Nuts and Volts.

“Smart,” Naloh mused, “You know how Beetee won his?” He spoke over our own reapings and I was glad to see my face when Mags volunteered looked honest, I’d get away with playing it off as worry for her and nothing more if I was careful.

“He set up a trap, electrocuted and killed a bunch of tributes at once, very intelligent.”

Not many others stood out to me, I didn’t know either from Five or Six, and I didn’t want too. I preferred to know as few names as possible every year. It helped with guilt. Johanna wasn’t a surprise, she was the only living female in Seven.

She’d been twisted with her hate for the Capitol, although Finnick would never tell me why I could guess. They’d threatened my family if I hadn’t done what they had wanted originally, pawned me off like some cheap whore.

I swallowed hard, watching the rage build on her face.

Cecilia and Woof followed, both I knew fairly well, they shared the mentoring more evenly in Eight. Cecilia had three children, and Woof was all but senile. Neither of them should be in there.

Nine, Ten and Eleven passed in a bur, I recognised everyone but names were harder to recall, and they all looked older, sad. Excluding Chaff, I knew he was close to Haymitch and he came every year, lifting his stump in the air with a wide fake smile.

It was Twelve we had all been waiting for and I held my breath, watching as she was obviously called, and then Haymitch, only for Peeta to volunteer over him.

Sending the two love struck teenagers back in there.

“Oh dear.” Naloh said, hand on his heart as if he suddenly had emotions. “How tragic.”

“We get in there with both of them.” Finnick whispered to me, “He’ll be easier than her, get his trust we get hers.” I just nodded at his scheming, leaning back afterwards, wishing that his breath was on my ear because he was leaning in to kiss my neck as he had the night beforehand.

I wriggled uncomfortably, “I’m going to lay down before we get there.” I said randomly, standing and quickly leaving, collapsing onto my bed. It was worse now I knew exactly who was going to be in there.

Already I was calculating, making lists of who was a threat, who would be useful for what.

I didn’t want to be how I had beforehand. Not now it wouldn’t work, these weren’t children anymore.

Well, two of them were.


We were at the Capitol before I knew it, only warned ten minutes prior by a re-dressed up Naloh, his eyelids sparking. I pulled on a dress, not really paying much attention other than to enjoy that it was a decent length, and not too tight. I slipped on heels laid out neatly in a drawer and ran my hair through my fingers before slipping on a thin jacket, ready for the cameras that met us.

I smiled, waved, let Finnick be the center of attention before we were in the training centre, up in the apartment marked Four.

Naloh had been right, the layout was the same but everything else was different, bigger, shinier. “I’m going to bed.” I declared, sick of the day, wanting to get as far away from it as possible.

“Alright, prep teams will be here tomorrow morning. See you then.” He went to get more alcohol from the poor avox’s I assumed but I just trod towards my room, changing quickly into pyjamas and turning on the air cooler, slipping in-between the silk sheets just waiting for the morning.


It came too quickly and I was woken by several high pitched loud voices, mumbling into my arm. I’d slept better than expected but not as well as I would have liked, spending half of the night running over crumbling rocks from Enobaria, her teeth growing until they obscured her body.

I was disappointed that at no point Finnick had appeared, but then he knew as well as I did, nothing could be said or done here like that, not to keep favour.

They entered with a rapid knock, instantly attacking the state of my hair. I dealt with them all, when they weren’t busy with tributes they also dressed me for the events and such, and two of them had been my original prep teams those five games ago. Blithe and Margy, both were a little older than the relatively new Trix, but she seemed the most bothered, telling me under my breath had horrid she felt.

It didn’t stop her from celebrating children dying every year so she couldn’t have been that upset.

I let them keep up a light chatter, ever so often there was a hint of caring, of human feelings. “You, and poor Finnick.” Blithe whined, “Both so young and loved.”

“That’s Finnick.” I corrected her slightly. That had been another thing, the fact I was even speaking to them properly had amazed them for a good hour as they waxed, plucked and preened me, curling my hair properly, setting a base for Luine to add upon.

“Your nails are awful.” Magry complained, digging in her massive box and returning with a polish that fixed the damage from my teeth and made them longer instantly, “This will stop them from cracking in training as well.”

She grinned, for her this was clearly just another year, Blithe snapped at her, obviously feeling melodramatic, “And then Katniss and Peeta, engaged but now no wedding!”

“I’m sure that’s the last thing they’re worrying about.” Trix muttered lowly, rubbing a thick cream into my arms gently. I almost liked her I suppose. She was quiet, timid. I think she reminded me a little of myself.

I was relieved by the time they were ready to go, Blithe and Trix both managing a few words although I would see them before the interviews, the latter clasping at my hand before they left and Luine emerged from one of the lifts.

“You can eat first but nothing heavy that will bloat you, have Finnick’s team been yet?” I shrugged, the boys never took as long, a shave and base of make-up was about all they needed and Finnick was so beautiful touching him up too much was practically a sin.

“Well, hopefully they won’t be too late.” She mused, delicately eating a thin piece of bread and jam, “I brought two dresses, similar but also...” She waved her hand, “We’ll see, and I’m still not sure what to do with your hair.”

“Whatever you think.” I said, just to stop her chatter, watching as Finnick’s team finally arrived, in and out before we had finished. He finally emerged, smiling, shorts low on his hips as if to spite me. I struggled to keep my eyes from him, as did Luine.

“Well, off to get changed. Marck should be here soon for you.” She pointed at him, eyes trailing and making me glare at her, “Come on Elenia, let’s stop bothering dear Finnick.” I grimaced on my way past him, making him grin widely. Even he looked a little tired under the thin layer of foundation.

Luine wasted no time in getting straight to work, pulling sections of my hair up into a very loose ponytail that rested on the thick curls. Next was make-up I didn’t see until it done, dark eye shadow, mascara and liner which made my eyes look wider and larger than ever, the black sweeping in a gradient almost to my hairline.

“We’re going for drama.” She said in an obvious tone, inspecting my nails and singing out for the prep team to leave when they resurfaced, telling them to go get a good seat.

“We have an hour.” She turned to me afterwards, smiling widely, I noticed a new addiction to her teeth, a glittering blue gem on an incisor. “Okay, dress and then accessories, strip please and then put that underwear on.” I did as she said and she vanished before reappearing with a rail, popping her lips. From what I could see one outfit was barely that, a mix of netting and shells that would leave most of me bare.

She saw my face, “Fine, I was expecting that, the second option then, no arguments.”

For once I didn’t have any, it was tight from my breasts to hip but then it ballooned and dragged behind me a good metre, the material light, a shimmering pattern that looked like scales all different shades of blue as I moved under the bright lighting. “It will look better in daylight.” She promised, seeming a little disappointed.

“It’s beautiful Luine.” She bucked up, I wasn’t sure why I had felt the need to lift her mood but then anyone looking upset bothered me.

Thom in the crowd with his wife and my niece. My last image of them.

I shook it away, not now. There was nothing to be done about that but hope it all worked and I’d see him safely in Thirteen.

Fucking Thirteen.

“Alright,” She’d placed a few rings on me, long pearl drop earrings and several shells in my hair. The train of my dress ended in shells too, each must have been stuck on painstakingly. I may not agree with what she did, but she put her life and soul into it. There was a knock on the door, “You guys ready?”

“Just coming Marck.” She called, pinching my cheeks again and pulling up the bust of my dress. It was making it a little hard to breathe again but when I looked in the mirror for a moment vanity won me over and I didn’t care.

“Okay, we’re out, everyone ready?” We met the others, Mags in a simple lovely sleeved green dress and Finnick in little. I met his gaze and he shrugged, waiting until the pair of designers drew away, “I get what he’s going for.” I teased and he awkwardly rearranged some netting close to his crotch, about all of him that wasn't on display, “Luine had one similar for me.”

“Well that dress is much better.” He said lowly as they walked back over, “You look absolutely beautiful.”

My cheeks flushed redder than any blusher would ever make them and we walked to the lift together.

A team.