Suffocate

The overly strong coffee did little to help, even when Finnick dropped in a few cubes of sugar, earning a smirk that morphed to a frown when I remembered the little I knew of his conversation with Katniss the day before.

Mags nudged me, passing me a jug of cream that I poured in with a muttered thank you, lifting the cup to my lips again. It had helped slightly, but then I had never liked the taste, although it was sweet enough for me to feel the sugar hit me instantly.

I nibbled again on more slices of melon, a thick chunk of bread from another district, the usual jam I adored was just sticking my teeth together, making each swallow particularly difficult as my stomach churned.

I was wearing my training outfit, the material thin but tight to my body, the shoes were comfortable but I wanted nothing more than the kick them off and retreat to my bedroom.

I knew I couldn’t, I’d done this.

I’d made it so I was going to be here, training, in the arena.
I had to do it, I knew that.
The feeling of regret was growing though, I couldn’t deny that.

“Just take it easy, we did plenty at home so...”

“We didn’t watch everyone else at home.” I snapped, my shoulders falling instantly as guilt struck me, he waved away my apology, “No, and it doesn’t matter now. Do whatever you want to, but we have to use this an opportunity to make allies.”

Naloh chipped in agreeing, even suggesting the pair we were planning on getting close enough to for them to trust us. Not that Naloh had any inkling of a greater reasoning for why Katniss Everdeen was so important.

“Who else are you thinking about?”

I was glad he was talking, even if it was painful and something I wanted to ignore, the silence only made the voices in my head talk faster, spin themselves around in circles. “Johanna perhaps.” Finnick said lightly, and although I was staring hard at what was left of the bread I knew he was searching for my approval. I nodded, a miniscule movement.

Johanna was clever, brutal, strong.
But was she trustworthy?

Or more importantly, did she know anything about the plot?

I shrugged it off mentally, forcing another few bites of bread.

Never the Careers, regardless of how I felt towards Cashmere and Gloss, I didn’t trust them, not in there, not with Brutus and Enobaria. I let the faces scan past me onto the now empty plate.

Beetee and Wiress, intelligent beyond belief but little in the way of survival or weaponry skills.

Five – Mik and Dextra, a drunk and an addict. Wouldn’t make it.

Six – Nameless, both addicts. Wouldn’t make it.

Seven – Johanna and Blight, I doubted she’d stick with him if she had a better offer, and although I didn’t like her particularly, or even know her it was a possibility. He wouldn't make it.

Eight – Cecelia and Woof, a mother and a senile older man. Wouldn’t make it.

Nine and Ten were much the same, none of them had kept their fitness, all seemed to have sunk into what most Victors did, that odd haze of a world where everything that had happened in the arena still remained and could only be hidden with narcotics.

Eleven – Seeder and Chaff. Definite possibilities, but both had issues, she was older, he still only had one arm, refusing the prosthetic.

Twelve – Katniss and Peeta, necessary.

I felt sick, comparing it so blatantly like that. But it was how I had before, how I made any logical sense of it. This was why it was so difficult to make any human connections in such a place, it had plagued me with Tyger and I knew it would now.

I was different now, different from during my games and before.
I just didn’t know if it was better.

“I’m going to go brush my teeth again.” I babbled, desperate to rip myself from my thoughts and rushing back off to my room, scrubbing the brush over them fiercely, making the gums sting and bleed.

I saw the red swirl with the white as I washed it away, the mint taste tarnished.

I pulled my hair up properly afterwards. If I was going to do anything useful, I’d need it out of my face. I adorned it with several small plaits like my mother always did when I was younger, and she cared. I counted carefully between breaths, I had put make-up on to hide the bags and it had worked fairly well although it anyone looked close enough my eyes were still a little bloodshot.

I was not a pretty crier.

I waited another couple of minutes but it was close to nine forty-five, and training started at ten. Finnick would be waiting for me.

My body flushed, but I was starting to think Naloh interrupting had been a good thing. I was distracted enough by my own fucked up inner thoughts as it was, letting Finnick consume the rest of me was going to make this so much harder.

If something happened in the arena, or was going to to him...It was too hard to think about, to even consider how I’d react.

I think we had to stop it. To try and numb my feelings so I could keep my sights on what they needed to be on.

First I had to accept dying for a greater cause.

Luka had done it, believed that and yet nothing had come of it.
Was I willing to die for nothing if it all went wrong?

The soft knock and click as my door opened was expected, it was ten too now. Whenever I let myself get caught up with thoughts the minutes passed in a smear. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah, just a minute.” I dabbed under my eyes again, tightened my ponytail and nodded at my reflection, trying my best to plaster a confident smile over the make-up. “Sorry.”

His arm moved across the doorframe, stopping me in my tracks and trapping me in the bathroom, “It will be fine, Elle?” I felt my head tilt up at him, the nickname made me flutter. “We can just do stuff together, get a grip of...”

I cut him off for the second time that day, although it certainly wasn’t the last and I hated the sprinkle of hurt over his face before he regained his expert composure.

“No.” His brows lifted and I felt my stutter growing, “W...w...we should split up, t..talk to both of them separately, more of a chance of getting through you know?”

He mused over my words but nodded, his arm slipping down the metal and towards my face, barely brushing loose strands of hair from close to my ears before I rejected him again, twitching away and around him, straight to the hallway, hovering by the lift until he met me.

I didn’t want to look at his face although when I did, the gentle hum of the elevator the only sound, he didn’t look bothered at all, if anything he looked fine, far fresher than I felt.

It stung that he didn’t seem at all upset and the minute that smile appeared I felt sick all over again.

We stepped out, walking through the small room full of seats. It was where everyone sat before they went in for their evaluations. The room gave me shivers and I was almost relieved when we entered the large gymnasium.

There weren’t many people there, even though it was just about ten o'clock now.

Katniss and Peeta, Brutus and Enobaria were joined by a tense looking Johanna, pacing back and forth. She didn’t manage a smile, only Peeta did, everyone else just nodded or ignored us.

Brutus winked at me and I took a small step sideways closer to Finnick as Atala waited a couple of tense minutes, bursting into a speech I almost remembered word for word, as the morphling addicts from Six appeared along with a grinning Chaff and a pensive Seeder.

A few more filtered in as she spoke but the number was far below what it should be.

“Okay, so lunch is at half one, make sure you take advantage of everything here.” She ended, waving us away, the trainers all waiting by their stations.

Finnick glanced at me but wandered off to play around with a trident with no words and I watched most people move to random stations whilst I debated where to go too.

Instantly Cashmere and Gloss were throwing knives, Chaff, Brutus and a couple of others were with the spears.

I took a step after Katniss as she moved towards the rope and snare section. I had no need to go there whatsoever, I knew enough and paused, not sure how to approach her.

A body slipped up beside me. “Where you looking at?” I glanced up at her, still shocked she was speaking to me. “Not sure.”

“Let’s try the slingshots.” She demanded although her voice was sweet and her fingers wrapped around my lower arm. She lead me in that direction, glaring at the trainer who took a step back as she released me. The trainer offering me a tense smile in return to my own and leaving us to it.

I picked up a slingshot and the belt full of the metal balls, stepping into the black box behind her as she pressed several buttons.

It was a lot newer than I remembered, everything a tad more technical. A voice counted down and I pulled out a ball, holding it tensely on the thick elastic.

There were bodies, made of yellow beamed from several projectors. But they moved, rushing towards us. They didn’t have a face, that wasn’t the point; they were supposed to represent a faceless enemy. Exactly the opposite of what it was.

I heard her turn, fire, and swear as she missed.

Aim wasn’t her strong point.

But I couldn’t even do that. The body continued towards me, a glowing yellow sword in its hands. Mine was barely holding onto the slingshot, the body was everyone that had been in my games.

It was Finnick if something happened and he turned on me.

Enobaria’s words taunted me and I completely froze, the sword lifted, the yellow breaking into cubes as it hit my chest and I inhaled sharply although I felt nothing. The body disintegrated, the cubes bouncing off of the floor.

I wanted to do the same.

“What are you doing?” Johanna complained angrily, taking out another after several desperate shots at areas that wouldn’t kill until it finally crumbled. She spun me and her brows furrowed instantly. I was still frozen, I couldn’t let go of the slingshot, and I couldn’t even swallow, the spit in my mouth was starting to pool like venom.

“Elenia?” The scorn fell a little. “Fuck.” She muttered, ignoring it as another yellow body approached us, the trident in its arms breaking against her head making me flinch again, finally gasping, breathing. “I can’t..” I panicked, “I can’t...”

“Alright, alright.” She seemed irritated, hitting the keypad by the door and dragging me out, nails hurting my arm. “Just don’t lose it yet, walk.” She was hissing under her breath and I was trying hard, hand over my mouth to choke back pained breaths.

I felt like I was going to suffocate.

I kept my eyes on the ground, my feet were warping in and out of focus but the ground changed to white tiles and I was suddenly thrown onto a chair. My head shoved down by my knees.

“Don’t fucking collapse, just breathe.” She dropped onto the one beside me, a long pause of hesitation before her hand landed awkwardly on my shoulder. “If you’re that scared by a bunch of blocks...” She stopped herself, “Want me to get Finnick?” I lifted my head and shook it, forcing myself to speak.

“No, he’ll just worry.”

She snorted at me, leaning back more casually, staring at me. “You’re not going to have a proper panic attack are you?” I shook my head again, “Good, that isn’t how I like to start my day.”

“You can go.” I bit between wheezes, humiliated, “Don’t feel like you have to babysit me.”

“Babysitting you?” She laughed harshly, “I’m making sure you don’t kill yourself, it’s very different.” I went to retort, but she left me no chance “We may never have spoken whilst you were playing little mute girl, but I actually kind of like Finnick. And if he gets himself killed over you I will not be happy.” She moved closer with each word until her bared teeth were too close to me for comfort. “So get your fucking self together.”

She darted away quickly and left me in the small area, and my hands clenched into thin fists.

Was it obvious? The whole point of everything was that it wouldn’t be. I swore under my breath, waiting a few minutes before pulling myself up, stretching my legs and hearing both of my knees click.

And Johanna Mason who was famously cold actually cared about someone, my someone.

I’d never seen her look concerned about anyone or anything, other than to seem angry.

Finnick Odair really was infectious wasn’t he?


Another minute passed before I left, my breathing regulated although my palms were sticky with sweat and I saw several pairs of eyes aimed my way. They knew, I’d just easily revealed how weak I was. The waiting room was a famous place of people to breakdown, a few people had in my own games.

I’d identified in the first hour as weak and damaged, and to a certain few, the teeth gleaming, that just made me an easy target.

Johanna was right. I was bringing Finnick down with me. It wasn’t fair. If he tried to save me he could get hurt, be killed himself. And that was the last thing I ever wanted.

I had to distance myself, now, maybe even in the arena.

I searched for him, trying not to look obvious although I was sure it failed, treading towards the edible plants and insects area. It was empty and made up of two parts. There was a large screen which relied more on memory, letting you select the correct options and creating a pattern, the colours flashing like a game you had to match.

Beside that was the actual set of things, and the trainer stood nearby seeming happy he had someone and instantly starting a clearly rehearsed introduction about what to look for.

I knew enough, bright colours were usually bad and I wouldn’t eat anything from a plant just out of chance. But it let me zone out, glance around. A knife throwing gang was forming, which was very loud and rambunctious.

It made me feel stupider that I was letting myself be overwhelmed when others were laughing and joking. I breathed out slowly, feeling my heart race and trying to soothe it. I found Finnick a few seconds later, arms wrapped around Katniss, helping her do a knot. His head was practically on her shoulder, speaking into her ear.

The venom in my mouth struck my chest.

“So, any questions?” I sucked on my lower lip.

“Can we go over plants?” I suggested, tearing my eyes away and keeping them firmly on the trainer. He was quite young, not one I recognised and smiling widely.

Pathetic how desperate for attention both of us were.

I was just pathetic.