Suffocate

Pretending I didn’t care was hard enough, but then pretending to be interested in the overly flirtatious trainer who kept leaning further into me as he spoke was harder. Especially when I was ignoring his looks. “It’s a nice colour.” I offered weakly, shrinking back as he twisted further towards me. I was trying to act like I was totally comfortable with it.

I was supposed to be good at things like this. It had been how I had won my own games.
I was so fucking devious and deceptive.

I think that bit of me had been completely erased, I smiled, but I didn’t feel like he was buying it and when his hand grazed over mine I wanted nothing more than to tear it away. There were few people I didn’t mind touching me, and he was definitely not one of them. “It’s a shame about the whole...”

“Intense internal burning and death aspect?” He came up a little too close behind me, “Yeah, it is.” I stood straight, grinning at him, although I wanted to shove him away, “I..I better be off, other activities I suppose I should do.” He nodded, and I smiled awkwardly again, pushing back the strands of hair.

I was well aware Finnick had looked at me several times, but he hadn’t come over to save me.

Either because I somehow looked at all believable or because he didn’t care. Both of those hurt my feelings, I was trying so hard not to be that person.

I was just scared now I was a worse one.

If he gets himself killed over you...

I swallowed hard, hearing my name, that pale hand, perfectly manicured lifting with the call. Cashmere was sat on the ground, clearly struggling with a mess of a knot. I started over, feeling the trainers eyes on my back making my skin prickle.

I knew exactly how I should have reacted to get him to like me, think I wanted him. I should have leaned in to him, pushed my breasts out, laughed more, lifted my voice and kept the pitch high.
I spent years watching people, and I knew how to react to certain things, how to get them to do things for you.

My mother had been an expert in that herself.

I could just have lost possible sponsors, something that may save us in the arena. Even thinking of it as an ‘us’ stung. I was going to have to try harder, with everyone. It was clear to all here I’d already had some mini panic attack. I had to persuade them otherwise, that I at least had a chance.

I’d have to persuade myself of that first.

I couldn’t rely on Finnick.

I looked for him as always, he had moved onto the spears but wasn't in the box, he wasn’t paying attention to the weapon in his hand, instead I followed his eyes to a completely naked Johanna who was covered in oil.

I couldn’t decipher the look on his face although turning I could see Katniss, crouched with Beetee and Wiress looking less than impressed. I smirked, sitting down heavily next to the siblings, instantly accepting the mess of rope.

“Who were you talking too?” Gloss asked simply, managing a far simpler knot in his large hands.

“Trainer.” I answered bluntly, trying to work out exactly what she had done.

“Interested in what leaves you can eat then?” He teased gently, watching as I finally worked out how his sister had tangled the rope and undoing it slowly until it was just the straight line. “Good to check everything.”

He smirked, “Bit of a character change.”

“Don’t make fun of me.” I complained, pushing the rope back into Cashmere’s hands. “Yesterday you were happy I was speaking.”

“And now you’re trying to fuck trainers for sponsors.” Cashmere answered with a giggle that didn’t suit her, “We’re thrilled.” I rolled my eyes and stood, brushing off my knees, “At least try to be consistent though sweetie.” She beamed at me to let me know it was a joke but it still stung because it was true and made it obvious they had seen me earlier.

“We’re going to the knives station.” Gloss interrupted, glaring a little at Cashmere, “Want to come? You can’t let yourself keep getting worked up over it all, it isn’t productive.”

“Doesn’t it help you if I can’t?” I was honest and it seemed to attract a similar answer in return.

“Not for now it doesn’t. And we’re not exactly thrilled about the situation as it is.” His eyes dotted up on the balcony of watchers, as his voice dropped to little more than a murmur, gamemakers were sat around including Plutarch himself, the new head. He looked completely unbothered by the scene below, eating a leg of something like a buffoon.

I grimaced, but he was better than Seneca Crane, anyone was. I wondered if the all victors pool was his idea.

“Fine.” I sighed, the mix of emotions only settling to make me angrier at myself and my actions.


Lunch came around quickly and after a long rant at myself under my breath I’d ensured I didn’t freeze, although it took far too long for me to catch up and actually start hitting things how I knew I could.

The yellow projections were just that, and I couldn’t let them be more.

Although when I imagined the face of any in the room over the figure I felt like a hand clenched around my throat.

“Not bad.” Gloss said with a smirk, lowering his voice, “Don’t worry I won’t tell.” I managed a smile, Cashmere was chatting to Enobaria a few metres away when lunch was announced.

“I should go find Finnick.” I murmured although I could easily see him with Johanna laughing.

Why did he get to be so calm and together whilst I was struggling not to fall apart?

“He looks a bit preoccupied.” I didn’t find his joke as funny as he did and pulled a face which he just rolled his eyes off, letting me storm off into the dining room, instantly feeling awkward at the already formed groups and people sitting with plates of food.

I was making it fucking obvious again.

Chaff was dragging a table, making them into one large area. It didn’t help how I was feeling and I watched Finnick and Johanna sit opposite each other, sighing as I headed to one of the stalls, pulling fruit onto my plate. “Sorry, excuse me.” I moved out of the way instantly, only realising it was Peeta after I had, “Thanks, sorry.” He said lightly, meeting my eyes.

“No problem.” I tried to keep my voice the same, moving back to grab a small bowl of strawberries and yogurt before I went to the next cart, he trod alongside me. “Sorry...Peeta.” He manoeuvred his tray so he could hold his hand out, the level of formality was slightly amusing and I did the same.

“Elenia.”

He nodded at me, eyes lifting up the ceiling for a moment, “District Four, won five years ago.” He seemed to be reciting something.

“You did your research.” I said and he nodded, “That was clever.”

“It wasn’t fun to watch.” There were several large vats of soup in front of us and I grabbed a bowl, pouring in some of the one made with thick vegetables, the smell delicious. He took a small amount, and I trailed beside him to the next cart where Katniss stood, he didn’t say anything but he wasn’t being awkward which made me breath a little better.

But again I should have said more, been more charming.

I was tired, annoyed and hungry, sick of playing games I hadn’t even started.

“I’m going to go sit down...” I offered lowly not even bothering to introduce myself to her, her face hard as steel, “See you later.”

“See you at the table.” He grinned reminding me, and I noticed his foot hit Katniss’s forcing her to twist, nodding at me with a smile that touched nowhere near her eyes.

I felt my tongue dart over my teeth and left, Finnick tugging out the chair beside him without even looking at me. I sat down, not wanting to make things more difficult and sighing into my spoon as conversation continued around me.

Chaff was the loudest in his usual way, joking inappropriately, but mainly about himself.

I was too pre-occupied with how redundant a morning I had had.

We had three days, two and a half now and so far I’d pissed Johanna off, shown I was likely to be an easy target and also not done anything productive, excluding cringing away from a trainer.

“Cheer up.” Finnick said under his breath, “Not dead yet.” I glared at him, my chair scraping loudly on the floor as I flung myself up and moved back into the gym area, the door slamming behind me.

So fucking insensitive.

Only a few trainers remained, you weren’t really supposed to be in here during the lunch break, but I’d known of tributes who had done, normally Careers desperate to enhance themselves, probably finally having a hit of fear, regretting shoving their hand high into the air for glory.

No-one got any glory.

You died or you won and lived with that, you were pretty they did to you what they’d done to Finnick, to Cashmere, Gloss and Enobaria.

To me those horrid few times.

I just wanted to breathe, away from the majority of eyes, the watchers on the balcony took a break over lunch, considering they gorged themselves the majority of the day they didn’t need set times. I stretched my arm, looking around at all the stations. “Can I do the gauntlet please?” The trainer glanced at another but nodded, letting me move up the back ladder before the machine was set in motion.

The small platforms were jagged, uneven and moved randomly according to controls the trainer held. The other struggle was to avoid the heavy sacks that swung back and forth, enough to break ribs.
I’d seen it, the chunky boy from seven had fallen almost from the top those five years ago. He was dead before he’d even entered the arena.

And if I didn’t sort myself out I’d be the same.


“Elenia?” I shifted on my heels, glancing upwards and feeling a smile spread over my face. For one of the first times today it wasn’t forced, because he looked genuinely interested in talking to me.

I was really getting ridiculous today.

“Yes Peeta?” I asked simply, arranging the kindling a little better, my hands hot from the friction around the stick, trying to gather enough speed to cause a spark. “How’s it going?” He asked gently, crouching behind me, I heard the little creak of his prosthetic leg as he did.

“I haven’t made a fire without matches since the games.” I admitted, “And I’m not sure if I can.”

“It’s hard, Katniss makes them all the time at home and she was struggling without matches for ages.”

Ah the first mention of the ‘fiancé’ I smiled, making sure this time it was sweeter. “Yeah, well you’re sorted then.” I popped, the two would stick together, that much was clear.

He smirked a little, “She kept me safe a lot last year.”

“And if it wasn’t for you they would have killed her in the tree or afterwards.” I defended instantly, “So don’t undersell yourself.” I wasn’t sure if his smile grew before he was happy I was defending him against himself or because of how purely hypocritical the statement was.

"Well,” he shrugged, eyes drawing around the room, mine following, she was by Enobaria. I frowned, “You don’t like her, do you?” He caught on.

“Nope, and I wouldn’t trust One or Two a bit in there.”

“I thought you, Cashmere and Gloss got on?” He asked, looking a little confused.

“We do, but that doesn’t mean they won’t kill me if they can.” The words fell between us, the admittance of the fact was too much. “S...sorry, that’s morbid.” He shrugged, leaning over and grabbing some flint, trying to create a spark hitting the two shards together as his voice lowered, but took a softer turn.

“Why did you volunteer over...”

“Mags?” I wasn’t even sure how I was explaining that to myself anymore, and bit my tongue clumsily trying to force out words, “Oww...”

“Did you just bite your tongue?” I nodded, running it over my teeth to check it was in one piece, he laughed loudly, making me jump but eventually sending that feeling through me and I managed a chuckle.

“Smooth, I know.”

He grinned, “Is it bleeding?” I tried to tell, wincing at the metallic taste that hit me quickly, “Lemme see?”

“Let you see my tongue?” I giggled again although I felt foolish, “That’s weird.”

“Yeah,” He admitted, “I’m not sure Katniss would go for that.” There was an edge in his words I hadn’t heard before but nodded silently, “Sorry,” he shook his head, flushing up his hair as if to push the previous words away, “I wanted to ask you about...”

“Knots or fishing?” I cut in, aware that was all I was really good at here. The grin was back.

“Both? If you don’t mind, I get you probably want to do other stuff.” I lifted a brow and his face grew a little bashful, “I’ll help you out with anything if you want? In return?”

“Sure, we’ll sort it tomorrow.” I stood, brushing off my dusty knees, and trying to brush nerves away in the same movement It was important I got on with Peeta, to get to her.

I felt mean just thinking that when it was clear he was just so genuinely nice. He really didn’t deserve to be here. He’d hardly hurt anyone last year, he’d been smart, getting in with the Career pack.
But it was all for her.

He’d volunteered, put himself here in the place of a much elder and easier target.
Everything was for Katniss Everdeen.

But he had to know he couldn’t keep her alive, he had to be aware he was in the same position as I was. If anything he would hold her back.

I blinked back into reality, the apology quick but ignored, “How about knots? Do you know much about snares?”

I looked in that direction and shrugged, “I know about the knots you can use, we don’t use snares much back at home, nets...obviously.”

“Oh yeah, of course.” His face hardened a little, carefully, “There was a big storm in Four right? Katniss was saying one of her prep team had trouble getting things?” It took me a second to catch on to the undertone.

“Oh, yeah.” Luka flashed in front of me but I stilted the flinch, only feeling my fingers curl.

“There was a few.” I said quietly, “One bad one, messed up production and everything like Katniss said, shut everything down.” He nodded in understanding.

“I hope no-one got too hurt...out at sea.”

The blood in my mouth was suddenly all that I could focus on, the room was slipping away, my lungs were shrinking. I couldn’t even see him, he was a blurred mass, blonde merging with his skin.
He was the yellow figure, the projection.

Warms hands burnt my cold skin, squeezing my upper arms tightly.

“Alright Peeta.” The words flowed past me and it took a second to recognise their source. It was Finnick, of course. “Mind if I steal her quickly?” Peeta’s response was warped but I let Finnick turn me and walk me a few steps away, the room slowly returning, the chatter again sounding, dancing off the walls.

“I’m okay.” I muttered, fiddling with my hair as I spun a little shakily on the balls of my feet.

“Sure?” My nod obviously wasn’t very convincing and he frowned, “We only have an hour left. Why don’t you...”

“I’m helping Peeta.” I wiped my hand over my mouth, a thin smear of diltuted blood across my thumb. My tongue was pulsing, “Making friends like we discussed.”

His eyes narrowed a little, the sea green almost disappearing until he sighed, “Fine, let’s get a drink then.”

“Brilliant.” I felt that flicker of irritation at him again and the way he was looking at me which he clearly noticed, lifting his eyebrows but not bothering to question, just pouring the jug and handing me a glass. We leant against the wall for a couple of minutes, Finnick making the odd comment, who seemed to be doing well, who wasn’t.

It was obvious which of those categories I fit in to.

I spent the end of the first day of training how I had the the start.

Tired, irritated at Finnick for stupid reasons and scared.

Very scared.