Suffocate

We were alone when we first stepped into the apartment. Of course, Mags would be with other mentors, talking tactics, possible alliances. She was supposed to let us have a say first, but then it would be obvious, to push for Twelve.

And after Katniss’s display with the bow and arrow I didn’t have a doubt that most would ask for them. That just made it more difficult.

We hadn’t spoken in the elevator and we didn’t now as an avox brought me a drink, her eyes wide and nervous as always. I didn’t say anything, there was nothing I could say. She was a mutilated slave, I couldn’t help her now. She was trapped here.

We were all trapped here unless the plan worked. I took a long sip.

I didn’t know if he was mad at me as well, usually there would have been some comment, light chatter. He was clicking his tongue against his teeth in the way he knew annoyed me, his back turned as he untied and kicked off his trainers.

“So, excluding Twelve what are you thinking?”

“What?” I breathed, fingers clutching the glass tight, he turned, lounging casually on the couch as if he didn’t have a care in the world. “M...maybe Eleven? Or Seven?” He nodded slowly, thanking the avox graciously as she brought him his own drink, the aroma was strong, that coffee kick he obviously needed.

“You never drink coffee at home.” I commented, watching him take a sip.

“I do sometimes.” He offered and I nodded, struggling for further conversation.

This was stupid, this was Finnick. Even when I didn’t speak for weeks at a time I never felt like I couldn’t around him. I sat on the edge of the adjacent chair, sipping the flavoured water carefully.

“Did you speak to Johanna about it?” I pressed carefully.

“About alliances?” He glanced at me, mouth forming an circle when he realised I meant everything we couldn’t say. “Not quite, I think Haymitch is aiming for that, although she and Katniss didn’t seem to hit of off.”

“Haymitch?” I could feel the confusion smearing over me.

“Well,” he smirked, and the meaning behind it didn’t go amiss, “That’s what mentors do isn’t it? The best they can for their tributes.”

I got what he meant but I still felt a stab, I’d never done all I could for the children that had died under us. I nodded slowly, so Haymitch was involved in whatever was happening, it made sense, I was stupid not to have seen it earlier.

But who else, Thom somehow was, Finnick, Haymitch. It had to go so much higher than that.

But how the fuck were they planning on escaping the arena? That part still made no sense to me.
But there was life in Thirteen in some form. I wanted to know more but there was no safe place to talk freely, easy codes and awkward silences were all we had.

I was too emotionally and physically exhausted to deal with it right now, we had another two days of this and I had to use them so much better. I drained the last of the liquid, standing and walking past him to place it down, the axov snatching it quickly before she returned to her usual position, rocking on her heels. I sighed, my back ached from the gauntlet and how long I had spent hunched over. The palms of my hands stung from my lame attempt at fire starting.

Such a waste of a day. I rubbed my face, that felt too hot as well but I knew that was way more down to my emotions than any physical extortion.

“I’m going to have a shower...” I trailed off, he didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me, staring hard at the lift door deep in thought. I let him be, treading as quietly as possible around the back of the couch.

I hated that I felt awkward.

If he gets himself killed over you...

Johanna had identified the only thing that scared me more than the thought of my own death. If she was right, and it was obvious she was, letting whatever was happening between us was going to be dangerous. Not even in the way we imagined with his reputation, if we were in there and I did something stupid and he tried to help... if it went wrong.

There were so many opportunities for everything to already go wrong and I couldn’t add to that, I could risk the person I honestly cared about most in the world, which was selfish in itself when my brother was entwined in this scheme was utterly unbearable to even think about.

And yet it had been lingering in my mind.

“Why are you mad at me?” I’d reached the edge of the large room. Just about to turn into the corridor when he spoke, and I heard the couch protest as his weight shifted to his feet. I had no idea to put what I was thinking into words, but I didn’t really have much of a choice, frozen until he reached me.

“Seriously though, earlier we were fine and I thought you wanted to split up in there?” I bit the inside of my cheek, the action making my tongue sting again.

“I’m not mad at you.” I said, and in that moment I wasn’t because my disgust at myself had swollen and overcome me completely.

“Then what is it? Did I do something? I’m sorry about what I said at lunch, you’re right. I was just joking but it was stupid and...”

“I nearly had a panic attack this morning, Johanna took me into the waiting room.” Those perfect brows furrowed.

“When?” I waved it away like it was insignificant but he demanded a proper explanation.

“When you were using the trident, she took me in the slingshot section and I just...froze with those projection things.”

His lips thinned into a line and I avoided his eyes, feeling weak all over again. “I didn’t realise, Enobaria said you were there with Johanna but I thought she might be talking about alliances or something...”

“Why were you talking to Enobaria?” I cut over him and he lifted his hands at the sharp edge my voice took on.

“I’m not going to ignore everyone just because we don’t like them, I’m trying to get an idea...”

“Do you know what she said to me at the Opening Ceremony?” He opened his mouth, ”Look, it doesn’t matter, I know you were too busy draping yourself over Katniss. It’s fine, I’m just going to shower.”

He tried to catch me but I was too fast although I halted again at his call, well aware I wasn’t being fair at all. “Johanna basically told me that me being weak and fucking stupid was going to get you killed and that is pretty much the only thing I can think of that’s worse dying itself. And I know it’s true because of whatever the hell,” I gestured weakly between us, “this is and I can’t let you get hurt because of me, that...that isn’t what’s important...and then if something happens and it doesn’t work either way I...”

He was completely silent, “I can’t live with that Finnick.”

I knew my ramble had made little sense but he must of gotten the drift, his arms sliding up to cross over his broad chest.

Somehow, even with my own chest heaving and tears threatening me he managed a smirk, “And there I was thinking Johanna was playing nice.”

I felt a guttural noise escape me and I was stalking down the hallway, sick of his fucking nonchalant attitude. “Why?” I asked outside my door, aware he was following me far more delicately, “Why do you have to fucking joke about everything?!” The smirk fell and his arms did the same, swinging by his sides.

“Because it’s how I deal with it without...”

“Losing your mind like me?” I bit spitefully and this time he frowned, taking a couple of steps so he was only a few metres from me.

“That’s not what I was saying, you have to...you have to look at it objectively.” The soft look on his face did absolutely nothing to soothe me and the panic building into my stomach exploded.

“Objectively? I look at everything to do with this objectively, and I understand the fucking likelihood. I obsess over it and I am not a winner! I’m the tribute who avoids the initial bloodbath and gets picked off days later by the careers, probably even by everyone’s best fucking friend Enobaria.”

I could tell he wanted to roll his eyes but that only pushed me further over any line of sanity, “I shouldn’t have made it the first time but I did, because I was lucky and I was a completely different person than I am now. And I don’t even know which of those people are worse anymore.”

I huffed, wiping hard under my eyes were tears had managed to escape, “I understand objectivity and looking at it from anyone’s point of view I am baggage and it is an unnecessary risk for you to try and keep me alive in there, especially with...” I struggled for a word that gave nothing away, “alliances.”

He didn’t speak for a few moments and I felt his eyes scan over me, growing redder under them. “I don’t know what to do Finnick.”

The silence stretched on and I felt like the blood was draining from my body.

“Have a shower.” He finally said so softly I barely heard him.

“What?”

“Have a shower.” He clicked his tongue again, “I’m going to go talk to Miss Mason.”

“No,” I blurted, “I...I don’t want you to go.” I was expecting him to look angry but he just looked even more exhausted, the bags under his eyes seemed darker in an instant. “I’m sorry, I know that’s stupid and confusing but I...”

“You what?” He took another step sooner.

“I thought I could do this and I can’t.” The sentence snapped in half but rang so true.

I don’t know what I expected him to say, or what I wanted him too. But the last thing I wanted was for him to sigh, cup my cheek and then turn and walk away without looking back. I heard the chime of the elevator after I lost sight of him.

“Fuck.”


I didn’t come out for dinner, snapping at Naloh and even Mags as I lounged around, instead ordering food I barely touched from the hatch.

Why was I such a disaster?

And why, well aware of that was I letting it continue? I was sinking deep and not pushing myself up to the surface. I was making everything worse by moping about it, not being productive like I knew I should be.

But it was just so difficult to manage to find any positive, there wasn’t one unless everything went perfectly. Which it wouldn’t, it was a ridiculous plan I still didn’t understand.

Stupid and unfeasible.

I was going to die in there.
It came down to that, the chance of it was so high it was all but undeniable.

If I died it didn’t really matter.

But if Finnick or Katniss did it ruined everything. He’d keep her alive and she’d what? Lead some sort of revolution, be the symbol? If not she’d be a martyr.

That should be enough of a reason, I pushed myself up off of my stomach, my head had been resting face down in the plush pillow. I was so so stupid. I didn’t matter but they did. Johanna was right, Finnick would try to help me, of course he would. Even before this odd physical element of our relationship he’d sworn it and I had never had any reason to ever doubt him.

But to help him I had to help myself. I had to make sure I was useful in there, that I wasn’t going to collapse into a sobbing bundle the moment the timer ticked down.

That was going to be difficult but I was sick of feeling and acting how I did, regretting most things that came out of my mouth. I was cruel to Finnick when all he had ever done was try and help me through it all.

And he was trying now, doing what I asked but then getting an earful either way as if it was his fault. I groaned into my hands, rubbing them hard over my face. It was late, I’d spent hours in a mix of dozing and trying to find some inner speck of courage I wasn’t sure existed.

I wasn’t a threat, nobody would think that.
But I couldn’t be an easy target.

I had to somehow make Twelve want me through all of this. Or Finnick could and I’d stick to him as a duo. But there was that risk of him being heroic and suffering again for me.

I wasn't worth that.

The best thing I could do to help them would be to draw the careers away from the three of them for as long as possible. But then they would never go for me, especially not if they were desperate for an alliance and had been scorned as I imagine they would be.

It was all too much. I needed Finnick.

That was the truth behind it all, I needed Finnick and he didn’t need me.

It would have been easier with any of the other male victors, I could do as I pleased, which would likely be nothing but then I’d know nothing about any plot, I wouldn’t feel this burn for it to somehow against all odds succeed.

My thoughts were too mixed up and I was losing track, tiredness creeping through them like a thick mist hanging over the harbour. I knew I wouldn’t sleep here, and I knew the only place in the world I’d be able too.

I needed Finnick and he didn’t need me. Going to him at any point, not keeping my distance could cause everything I’d spent hours obsessing over. But I was too selfish, too clingy and too fucking self absorbed.

Rita had seen right through me months ago.

I tried to force myself to stay in my room, pacing up and down in my nightgown, the weak light of the lamp creating long dancing shadows. It didn’t work and all too soon I was creeping down the hall until I reached his door, fingers lightly on the handle. He mumbled when I slid in beside me, trying to be as gentle and quiet as possible. Even half asleep he managed to sling his arm over me, sliding me back into him.

I felt better instantly, but I knew when he woke up properly a conversation was due.

And it was never going to be good.


I felt the covers tickle down my bare legs as they moved, the mattress shifting slightly and the darkness on the inside of my eyelids suddenly burnt orange. I groaned, my lips felt dry and sore like I’d been chewing on them whilst I was asleep. I didn’t doubt it but then I felt like I hadn’t managed sleep at all, the night had felt so long and I was disorientated. I heard the toilet flush and water run, burying my face further into my hair as the door opened and closed and I was again rocked by his body clambering beside me.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” I croaked, clearing my throat although he didn’t reply, exhaling heavy as he twisted, I felt the slight hint of pressure on my head as he started playing with a section of hair.

“I just want you to try.”

“I know...and...” I swallowed, having to sit up, the acid bubbling in my stomach, “I’m going to but, we can’t...do this. It’s too hard.” He mimicked me movement, still behind me, already my throat was aching with emotion.

“Johanna told me what she said.” He commented, his voice bland.

“It’s not just what she said, but she’s right...I...I somehow managed to convince myself I was okay with this, being here and doing what had to be done...but I’m not obviously.”

The opposite wall was growing blurred, “I have to be okay with it and I can’t if I’m terrified you’re going to get hurt because of me.” He didn’t reply, “I want you to promise you won’t. If something happens and they need help you have to make them first priority...”

“Shut up.” He didn’t snap it, the very opposite, his words felt hollow.

“I’m serious Finn, you have to promise me.” There was so much more I wanted to say to persuade him but couldn’t. He had to make it work, he had to make sure Thom lived, he did, that the most important people to me were okay. “You have to make it work, please.”

“You can’t expect me to promise that.”

“I’m not giving you a choice.” I struggled, “I’m going to make sure I’m okay and they want me but...they have to come first.” It was getting too close to the truth, to clear to any listening ears, “I’m not a winner but you or her could be, and it would mean a lot more to everybody...back home.”

“You know you’ve said a lot of stupid things in the years I’ve known you but that really...just...” he was hard suddenly, and I flinched, “Finnick.”

“No, no.” He shuffled beside me, “If I asked you the same question...”

“That isn’t fair Finn...”

“Don’t ‘Finn’ me, you are not being fair. I tried so hard for us not to end up in this situation, and at every point you went against that Elenia.” He sighed, “I don’t know what you want me to do.” I opened and closed my mouth several times, but I had nothing.

I’d been so obsessed with myself I hadn’t even considered him.

I was definitely a worse person now than before.

“Do you want me to go?” he hesitated before muttering just one syllable.