Suffocate

“I was actually being serious you know.” I teased, even lifting my arms to sort out my hair sent that ache through them, “My arms kill.”

“So was I.” I couldn’t help the smile, although I didn’t turn, undoing the little braids I still insisted in putting in every time I placed my hair up. I guess I liked remembering a time when my mother did them, when we were happy.

Well, at least, at my young age I saw it all as happy.

Changing my clothes had made little difference as to how sweaty and sticky I still felt and I was thankful for the array of perfumes Luine had gathered over the years. “Well, go run a bath then.” I said, trying to hold down the hint of a tease.

I knew exactly what I wanted, and I knew we had spoken over it so many times and my mind was at a crossroads between letting it happen, letting him happen in-case everything went wrong.

I was just worried that somehow that would be the reason everything went wrong.

The water burst into the wide tub, they were built specially into a corner, giving it an odd shape. But, as, always there were a section of buttons and knobs and a thick blue liquid filtered in. It was my favourite, Luine said it was supposed to smell of the ocean, to have that sensation.

It didn’t really, but it was enough to imagine the rest.

And the slight creak of the door as he entered made up my mind.

I needed him, in every way and I wasn't going to deny that any longer.

I tested the water, turning the cold tap a little and reaching down to pull the loose top from my body. He was completely silent which was odd enough and a different kind of shiver danced over my spine.

Did I have the power here? I felt like he was waiting for me to give him some signal, to tell him yes or no. I don’t think there had ever been a moment in the last five years I’d felt like I was the one in the room holding all the cards.

Even with it being something that made no difference to the world outside this bathroom.

Regardless I wanted it, nothing had gone the way I had planned it in the last five years, nothing had happened how I wanted. And I’d had no control over it. It was such a silly amount to lay upon him being silent for a few minutes, feet padding on the ground.

I turned to him, sucking in my stomach a little, “My shoulders really do hurt.” My voice was how it should have been for the trainer, a little higher, doing my best to sound sexual.

He smirked, but his eyes barely glanced over my torso before they landed on my face. I couldn’t fight the prickle of reject and he pushed himself off the wall. He didn’t leave, instead he came up to me, fiddling with a particularly tight section of hair.

I could feel my heart beat increasing as it always did whenever he was so close to me. When he’d freed his fingers he pressed his lips gently against my forehead, my whole body tensing, the hunger for him growing ferociously.

“You don't have to try for me to want you.”

I felt my lips purse but he was speaking again, telling me to turn, asking where ached. I barely responded, and the way he unclipped and slid off my bra wasn’t sexual in the slightest although I couldn’t help but let out a light moan as he easily released a knot of pain from by my shoulder.

The animalistic burn had dropped but there was another, a hot flush I couldn’t describe. He moved my hair aside over one shoulder as he often did, placing a kiss in exactly the same place as he had done that night back in Four when he had originally rejected me.

It happened again now, pulling gently away, his fingers tracing the soft skin on my lower back as he did.

“Have a nice bath.”

The door closed and I finally let out the breath I’d been holding. My whole body was tingling, the spot where he had kissed my shoulder was still warm.

I guess that power had never been in my hands.


Everyone was tenser than usual that third morning. I knew exactly why, tributes said about it each year and I could remember how I had been. By now the majority of alliances were set, excluding those spontaneous ones that sometimes occurred inside of the arena.

People knew who were dangerous and the individual presentations after lunch were vital. To prove yourself, or hide yourself as Johanna had and form a strategy.

All of that changed in a few minutes when I was pulled aside, back again to the fire starting station. “Yes Johanna?” I asked carefully, her face as usual hard.

“What are you doing when you’re inside?” I blinked out of shock more than anything. “I mean who are you going with?”

“I know what you mean.” I snapped, her temper rubbing off on me. “And you know the answer.”

She shot me one of those rare, but still dangerous smiles. “What we spoke about, on the first day.” I lifted a brow, “We both know that’s a risk.” I sucked in my cheeks, “If he’s with Twelve, they’ll be safe enough, they’re capable.” She smirked.

“And I’m not?” Her head tilted.

“Not so bad lately.” I wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not, “Quite a change about there.” She hit the bits of flint against each other hard, “I even heard Brutus saying he thinks you put it on first day, to get into their head. He’s not happy about it.”

“Do you think I was putting in on?” She met my eyes for a moment.

“I don’t care. What I care about is doing what we need to.” That was enough of a confirmation of her awareness. Her part. “I’ve spoken to Haymitch.” She started, lowering her voice even further so I was struggling to hear, “If I look after Wiress and Beetee, keep them alive I get that alliance with Twelve.”

“And so us?”

“No.” She shook her head, “We both know what Finnick will do to keep you safe. And neither of us want that.” I nodded mutely, “You help me keep those two idiots alive and then we meet up with Twelve and Finnick.” I bit my lip. “And if Brutus is pissed it will split their efforts with who they’re after won’t it?” I let her patronising tone go over my head, it didn’t matter about how she felt about it, she was suggesting it.

And it made so much sense.

This way Finnick wouldn’t get hurt for me, I could avoid all of that and still be doing something clearly important. And if I could even draw the Careers away from them...it was risky and I knew as much as I worried about it being away from Finnick in there was not what I wanted.

“And you think it will work?” She shrugged, I didn’t know if she was answering for keeping Beetee and Wiress alive, or if it was for everything. “Don’t tell Finnick...I’ll...”

“Decide by the interviews. But I think it will need more than me and Blight to keep those two alive, and I want that alliance.”

“What if it backfires and they try to kill us when we approach?” She smirked yet again.

“That’s why you’ll be going first.” She stood, stalking off in her way. Finnick, trident in hand, a light layer of gleaming sweat on his forehead watched for a moment before he turned back to Katniss. The two were exchanging lessons.

I looked around for Beetee and Wiress, my estimation of everything was inflating.

Johanna definitely knew, and if Haymitch wanted Beetee and Wiress so bad. I clicked my tongue as it popped into sense, District Three, both of them were inventors and their minds were brilliant.

They were our way out of the arena.

I stood, leaving the half dismantled fire, hands stinging again.

The trainer said something but I just smiled, weaving around stations to the two, sitting at the camouflage station not far from the morphlings addicts who shot me dazed yellowing smiles.

The arena wasn’t going to be fun for them depending on how long they survived. They’d have no way of getting that disgusting drug into their systems.

“Elenia.” Beetee greeted as I sat beside them, his arm was coated with a bad attempt at grass. I smiled, offering them both a hello, we had never spoken much and in truth I had only met them both once, during my short visit to Three. “How are we doing?”

“Fine thank you, you two?”

“Not bad, feeling the nerves kick in.” He smiled, pushing his glasses further up his nose. Before my games they’d corrected my eyesight to near perfection so I’d never understood why he didn’t take that option. “Me too. I was...just speaking to Johanna.”

“Interesting. She seems in a better mood this year than most.”

“Which is odd...” Wiress chipped in, suddenly loosing herself in her painting. I understood how easily that happened so just smiled. “I just wanted to speak to you properly before I see you in there.”

Both of them got the exaggeration on ‘I’ without any prompt, nodding. “That’s nice of you...painting isn’t...”

“Either of our strong points.” Beetee finished as usual, “But then I suppose that’s Peeta isn’t it?” I nodded, “Very talented.” I felt we were pushing into something again and let him continue.

“Indeed, you used to draw yourself didn’t you?” I nodded, no idea how he knew that, “You two should compare style, it’s always interesting to discuss something close to the heart with another who understands it.”

Ah. He was asking if I was allying with them.

“Perhaps,” I mused, trying to work out how to phrase it, “But then opposites attract as well. I’ve spent just as much time with Johanna to be honest.”

“We spoke briefly.”

“And how was the general reaction? Everyone knows what she’s like..." I asked gently, and he glanced at Wiress before he replied.

“Good actually. Very good.” The announcement for lunch sounded loudly and he took the opportunity to speak more freely. “Whatever you do, Finnick won’t want you away from him.”

“We all know what’s important.” We were dropped into a second of silence before the chatter and movement to the dining room started, “And that’s beating the games isn’t it? Winning.”

“Definitely.” He grinned, standing a little heavily and helping Wiress. “But the beating is the difficult part.”

“Elle!” The call broke the coded chatter and I smiled at Finnick, “You coming?”

“Yeah,” I waved gently to them, walking fast up to him. “Just talking about stuff, Johanna’s a bit on edge.”

“Aren’t we all.” He smiled, “Know what you’re doing yet?”

He meant in the presentation and I didn’t.

I also had no idea who I was going to be running off with in the arena and it that would work.
The only certainty I had was that I had two and a half days to make up my mind.

And to decide what to tell Finnick.


Lunch was less awkward than I had imagined. People were full of a nervous energy, joking about what they were going to do, making well hidden insults at one another. The stew in my stomach was churning. I still had no idea and right now it didn’t seem to matter.

Keep Beetee and Wiress safe to help us escape, but not be with Finnick and if something happened and I had to see his face beamed into the sky. I almost choked on my water, coughing delicately into my hand.

There were too many options, and the power I’d longed for the previous evening was a poison I couldn’t get out of my system.

Whatever I chose I knew now, I understood what was happening, and Finnick still hadn’t told me. If I told him I was going with Johanna, he’d be against it and try to change my mind. If I didn’t he may try and come after me and let Twelve or himself die.

Both were horrible, every option was horrible and I regretted even wanting some sense of choice.

“You okay?” Peeta asked softly from opposite me and I nodded with a stuck on smile.

“Just trying to work out what I’m going to do, that’s all.”

“You’re good with the swords, why not that?” I felt an ill-timed tickle of pride that someone had noticed. “Yeah, sounds like a good idea. What are you planning?”

He shrugged, telling me nothing yet when it was clear he had something forming.

I let it drop and after lunch we changed into long sleeved versions of the training kit, the shoulders oddly wide which made Finnick laugh at me before filtering into the waiting room and sitting in order. Now the room was tense as Gloss was called, shooting me a smirk.

There were hints of conversation, although the most casual sounding was definitely Finnick, sat sideways on his stool to face me, chatting about something I wasn’t really paying attention to.

I'd be in there with or without Finnick.

Let him get hurt trying to help me or stay away and hope I’d live long enough to find him.

We’d only agreed the day before to be a team, for me to stop this incessant twisting and over thinking, but I couldn’t, it was ingrained in me. I watched him as people moved past, and the smirk over Beetee stuck with me. He knew so much more than he had ever said clearly and that hurt.

I twisted, looking at Johanna who was grumbling under her breath, hair pushed back in spikes as she stared hard at the wall.

I didn’t really like Johanna, but that didn’t matter, she felt the same towards me. She was viewing it intelligently, she wanted Finnick alive and she knew it was necessary the older pair from Three stayed the same way.

All of it depended on the love struck couple, sat silently and facing opposite directions staying alive, or at least one of them.

I actually liked Peeta which made it harder. I didn’t feel the same way about her.

It didn’t matter, I reminded myself watching Wiress leave, my thoughts moving faster the less time I had.

It would help them, me not being there. Finnick could focus on them, or would he be too worried about where I was, looking up at night expecting my name and flinching at each cannonball like I knew I would?

I sighed and he frowned, “What’s wrong?”

“Just thinking.”

“Never a good sign.” He teased, fingers tapping a beat on my wrist that only stopped when his name was called. “Have fun.” I said, lifting my voice and making sure I looked less concerned as eyes landed on us.

Without him there I could concentrate better and by the time my name was called and Johanna nodded at me I knew who I was going to be with inside.

But I wasn’t going to tell Finnick until as late as possible, I couldn’t let him convince me otherwise.
I just have to pray it all worked out, somehow.

I walked past him, his face a little red as I headed to the gymnasium and he promised to meet me upstairs. I smiled but it felt like a lie. I felt like everything I did was going to be erased the moment I left him, ran off with Johanna.

He’d understand, he had to have some idea already or he would have pushed harder for us to ally with her.

Why did he keep every stage from me?

“Elenia Volute, report for individual assessment.” The door closed behind me and I stopped at the designated point, glancing side to side for inspiration.

I needed a high score now, if I wanted the careers to debate who to go for, I had to show I was a target, not someone easily picked off.

I knew Johanna would get a fairly high score so I had to match it, make sure they knew.

“Miss Volute,” Plutarch called, “You have fifteen minutes to present your chosen skills.”

I went without thinking for the swords, asking for a trainer and feeling highly satisfied when he had fallen and I was over him panting, the sword to his neck. I threw some knives quickly, the majority of my hits close to target. I was in a good position, skill wise, time wise and number wise.

They lost interest in the later Districts.

From what I presumed I had to be at at least a seven but that wasn’t enough.

“Three minutes left Miss Volute.” Plutarch said again, “Is there anything else you wish to show us?” I took a moment, breathing through my nose to avoid showing them I was out of breath. I wanted to shock them, to make that score go up, but with what?

What did I have to catch their interest?

I realised and spun.

“Do any of you want to know what me and Tyger spoke about?”