Suffocate

So I was going to go running off with Johanna Mason, Blight, Beetee and Wiress in tow.

That was the new plan.

I’d grown irritatingly used to Finnick having his secrets. But I’d never had one like this from him.
My score was a surprise when it came up, more to everyone else than myself, that nine glaring over the picture of me taken before the first day of training. Finnick had only done one better.

We were contenders, Ceaser reckoned, and we were, some of the top scores, level with the Careers.

Although his from skill and mine from lies. I told them a warped version of the brief conversation that had taken place on that cliff side but it had been enough to earn some frowns.

Why? Because it involved some of the secrets Finnick had gathered in that horrible way he did over the years.

After a while I know it helped him deal with it, made it seem like at least there was some use after the threats had stopped. Every time I had been forced into the same situation it was through threats, threats against my family. I was never together enough to try and see an advantage of it.

Besides, not that many people wanted to fuck a girl who was as 'quiet as a fucking avox' obviously the silence made it clear just how non-consensual it was.

The last time they must have known, the threat they issued was towards Mags and Finnick.

They were as good as family to me, more so.

He was deep in thought again, the congratulations had rung around, Luine wrapping me tightly in her arms again, alcohol strong on her breath. I was surprised with the amount she drunk compared to what she ate that she wasn’t wasted most of the time.

But then it had sunken away,

Marck’s hand was on her knee, obviously accepting feelings was a recurring feature in Apartment Four but when even they had it more together than you that had to be a sign. I shrugged back in the sofa again, Finnick looked like he was thinking, watching Johanna’s eight slam before vanishing. The rest were fairly low, although Chaff managed an eight as well.

We were all waiting for their scores, and they did not disappoint. Two large twelves appeared and I felt my eyes bulge a little, “No-one gets a twelve!” Naloh looked insulted by the very possibility, “They don’t do twelves...what did they do?”

The highest had been tens from Enobaria, Brutus and Finnick. “I...I don’t...”

“Well of course they don’t know Naloh.” Luine cut over him, resting her free hand on my knee quickly and squeezing tight. “But its unprecedented. They must know, surely Plutarch must realise giving them such a high score means the others have no choice but to target them!” He continued.

Fuck. That made our job a lot harder...Finnick’s job.

I was going to have to do more to draw the Careers away.

My stomach was uncomfortably full and I felt queasy, standing and heading to the table, accepting a glass of wine from an avox. Finnick had hardly moved, he had to be debating it, the difficultly. And in his version I was right there by his side, slowing him down more than anything.

Maybe now he would come to the conclusion he was better off without me by himself.

“This is just...” Naloh was still flabbergasted of course, this meant the little darlings of Twelve were more likely to die, and they were clearly his favourites. “I have to go and talk to Effie! I just...” He continued rambling until he was out of sight and the elevator chimed, Mags rolling her eyes when she met mine, taking a sip of her drink.

“You two have to be careful.” She smiled and I nodded. I felt like she knew and the guilt was all over me again. “I’m going to bed.”

There was a chorus of goodbyes and Luine and Marck quickly made their excuses, his hand brushing over her back as they walked away. Luine barely stopping to tell me not to worry, and that she’d be here tomorrow afternoon to work on my ‘’interview presence’ as she put it.

I imagine by that she meant my lack of one.

Finnick wasn’t the first to speak, I was and I sat beside him. “How much did you get in your games?” I asked, he was notoriously private and I didn’t really remember much of it, only ten when he won and I'd never re-watched much just out of respect for him more than anything else.

And seeing him that young and in that danger would upset me.

“Nine.”

“Well, it’s an improvement?” I offered lamely. “Definitely better than my seven as well.”

“What did you do?” He questioned in a rushed breath, resting his head on his hand, arm propped up on the back of the sofa. His other hand found my legs and dragged them closer towards him, fingers trailing up and down my calves.

“Swords and knives.” I said a little too quickly and I could see he wasn’t buying it, “And I told them what Tyger said.” His eyes widened a little, it was well known how private I was about it, even more so than he.

“Well, n..not really. I said stuff to annoy them so they’d give me a higher score.” He lifted a brow but nodded, as I just shrugged awkwardly.

“A higher score makes you more of a target.”

“It also makes me more help.” I countered, having half prepared a conversation like this in my head, “And I need people to think that don’t I?”

It was so hard not to burst out with it, but I couldn’t. I knew he could change my mind.

“Well, Katniss and Peeta just made this extraordinarily difficult, and like Naloh said, they’ve still not decided on alliances.” He moved his arm and I sunk into him, my head between his neck and shoulder. It wasn’t comfortable but when his arm moved to wrap around me I could have stayed there for hours.

“She didn’t have any last year, what...what if they just want it the two of them?” I asked, shifting my weight slightly so I could hear his heart beating through his hard chest.

“Haymitch is pretty determined.” Was all he offered.

Another secret. I opened my mouth but decided not to push it, I didn’t want anything else spilling out.

“Is Marck doing anything with you tomorrow?” he shook his head, “Do you know what you’re going to say?” He shrugged again.

“I know everyone is angry, but I don’t really know yet, we have all tomorrow I guess.”

“Don’t say anything too bad or they could make it harder in there.” I advised needlessly, of course everyone knew how the Capitol reacted now, no-one would outwardly insult them. It had to be clever.

“What are you thinking of then?”

“Whatever Luine tells me to say I guess. Depends what Ceaser tries.” I was trying not to think of it too much. I had three nights left here before the arena. I’d spent my life trying to escape that place mentally, now that I was here I couldn’t let it overcome me.

Another thing I was telling myself that was just too difficult to actually accomplish.

I cleared to my throat to distract me from the thoughts, sitting upright. I was sick of fucking thinking so I stopped. I turned, barely noticing the questioning look spread over Finnick’s face before my eyes were closed and my lips were pressing hard against his.

He responded instantly, cupping my face as I held my weight up awkwardly, my wrists staring to ache until he suddenly twisted his body, gripping my thighs tight so I ended up on his lap. I gasped, his hands now roaming freely.

That burn had all but taken over and I whined into his lips, pushing my hips harder down so our crotches were pressed hard together. The guttural groan that echoed into my mouth nearly sent me over the edge and instantly he was tugging up my shirt. Hands grazing over my ribs when there was a cough and the dazed world that only he existed in vanished with a burst.

Someone cleared their throat.

I scurried off of him, almost slipping onto the floor before I caught myself and stood upright, pulling my top down firmly and crossing my arms. I could feel my face reddening, the heat spreading over my cheeks.

“Alright Mags?” Finnick asked, sounding extremely casual, smirking at me as he turned, crossing his legs awkwardly in such a way I couldn’t hide the grin even through the embarrassment of being found in such a position.

“I...I’m going to go to bed.” I walked quickly that way, aware of conversation breaking out behind me, one of the only words I heard before my door closed was ‘obvious’.

I hadn’t realised I was holding my breath but I released it steadily, I could still feel his hands on me and the ache was almost painful.

I adjusted my shirt again, too worked up to sit down. I didn’t know what was happening, was that it?

Had Mags interrupted us and it wasn’t going to continue?

It was primal, my want for him.

And I was still trying so hard not to think.

I changed to distract myself, purposely picking out a short, tight nightdress. One Luine had probably spent far too long working over but was aware it was likely never to be worn. The lace made my shoulders itch and I wiped under my eyes, spraying more perfume.

I wanted him to want me. And being appealing was never something I’d been good at.

I didn’t have that time to over-think, I was still trying to make sense of my hair when the door opened and closed with quick succession. I barely had time to turn before we were intertwined again, spilling onto the bed, his lips moving down to my neck as his hands brushed up the inside of my thighs.


“Stop looking at me.”

“I’m not!” I defended, voice a little shrill at his mumbled accusation. He hadn’t even opened his eyes yet.

“Was too.” He grinned, burying his face further in his arm. “Go to sleep, I’m tired.”

“I need to brush my teeth.” I whined, rolling onto my opposite side, the sheets cool, “But it’s just so far away.”

I could practically hear his smile, “You’re so lazy.”

“Me?” I giggled, I had no idea what time it was or how long we had been in bed. At first it had been frantic, just that need and longing. I think I expected it to be awkward again afterwards, it was stupid.

The first time we had had sex was five days ago, but it had been some of the longest days of my life.

It was odd to think of it like that, how many days we had been here. I just viewed everything as how many days until the arena.

“Were you going anywhere with that?” I blinked, I’d felt him move but was too absorbed to notice and he was leaning slightly over me.

“You’re lazy.” I said plainly, watching his nose crinkle, “No, no. Remember that time with the stupid wedding cake when Luka and Rita got married?” I’d said it, and I saw his face tighten the second my brothers name left my lips.

I tried to focus on that day and not his last, just a few months after my games but already Finnick was one of the only reasons I left my bed each day. I tried to keep my mind on their happy faces, the secret sniggers from Thom about the wedding being so quick due to the fact Rita was already pregnant and her parents would go ballistic if they knew.

I had to blink back into the room again, and my vision was blurry, Finnick looking slightly concerned.

“They had a half decorated cake because I was supposed to put the order in three days earlier but I didn’t...”

“And hows that my fault?” He ignored the possible moment, taking any advantage to lift the mood as he always did. I don’t know why that annoyed me sometimes, I should be thankful.

I pouted, feeling guilty when I answered, “Because you were busy with that girl so you weren't there to persuade me to leave my house.” I bit the inside of my cheek, feeling it redden and swell, “So it’s not your fault. Sorry, that was dumb.” I sat up, apologising again as he had to move.

“It’s fine.” His words were so gentle they cascaded down me. “That...it was a weird day.”

It must have been for him, he had been dragged into so many things that had little to do with him.

He’d known Thom at school but they weren’t particularly close and Thom had even had reservations about him mentoring me.

Clearly they were close enough now to plot though.

“Yeah.” I ran my tongue over my lips, reaching carefully onto the table for water, careful not to let the sheet reveal anything. “Did you want to go?” I took a long sip as his brow furrowed, feeling the need to ask.

“What do you mean?”

“Did you want to go to the wedding, and all the other shit you did? Or did you feel like you had to because of me?” He frowned slightly, head tilting in that way it did. He pushed himself up against the headboard, the sheet I’d greedily taken barely covering any of him.

It was really hard to keep my eyes on his face but I wanted to know the answer. I’d never really thought about it before, but everything in the last five years had his involvement. He was the only person who could coax me to actually try and accept it, move on, live.

Every single breakdown he’d been there, and even every good day.

“At the beginning I felt like I had too...” He ran his fingers through his short hair, “I was really worried you were going to kill yourself if I’m honest...and that scared me. At the start because you were the first and last person I helped live through that, and then,” His shoulders dropped, hands slightly raised as they did when he was explaining, “I cared...too much.”

He looked so fragile in that moment, and his words were just spiralling around me.

All I could manage was a whispered, “Oh.” He nodded, even looking a little embarrassed, tugging some of the bedding back. “I...I don’t think I even realised just how much you were there.” He shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.

I placed the glass down to avoid looking at him.

Of course it was, I was just too lost, too trapped in myself to realise. He’d been a more than vital part of the last five years of my life, he’d helped me stay alive before and after the seventieth hunger games.

Nothing I could ever do was make up for that.

And I was going to go running off with Johanna Mason. Blight, Beetee and Wiress in tow.

“Thank you.” I could feel the prickle of tears again and he didn’t look at me, just patting closer beside him. I moved as he asked, accepting my easy place with my head on his chest. “I mean it.” I added, “I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it without you.” My voice cracked a little.

His fingers traced swirls up my ribcage, catching hair that was resting close to my breast. We sat like that for a few minutes and I could feel my eyes growing heavy again, squinting at the clock. It was nearly four am.

“I still haven’t brushed my teeth.” I yawned, I wanted to rush away from that moment, lifting off of him, fluffing my hair back and out of my face as I crawled onto my knees to get off the bed. “Do you want me to get you some...”

“I'm in love with you. That's why.” He answered the question that had long fallen silent.

I was stuck, my knees had frozen. I barely breathed, “I know it’s a pretty bad time to be hearing that but...”

“Say it again.” I all but demanded and I felt the mattress bulge as he moved up behind me,my spine straightening, chin practically on one shoulder. “Elenia..” He was trying to get out of it, but there was no way I was letting such a delicious moment slip through my fingers.

I turned awkwardly, more aware than ever of how completely exposed I was in front of him.

I didn’t let that thought linger, his eyes were resting just on mine, not moving, “Don’t, just...just say it again.”