Suffocate

I couldn’t decide if knocking on his door was a good thing to do. She wasn’t here, she wouldn’t be so late and it was dark outside, fireworks at a party over skyscrapers were bursting into the sky in marred splashes of colour. But I had no idea what to say to him, normally we never addressed it, just pretended it hadn’t happened.

I think we both preferred it that way.

But there was no doing that now. And I wasn’t mad at him, I was mad at the act, what he did.
But not him, never him.

The decision would have been a lot easier if the door wasn’t swaying back and forth. Or maybe that was me, I didn’t know. My eyes felt odd and when I turned it took a few second for the world to catch up. I was drunk. I knew that, and I knew once Johanna had calmed down and pushed a glass into my hand, watching as the avox cleaned up hers that I would end up this way.

I felt terrible that I’d upset her. So stupid, not thinking.

I was supposed to be smart, people had always told me I was smart. Maybe I was once, now, I didn’t even seem to be able to react properly to the simplest things. Although Johanna didn’t either, she was playing a game in her head, putting odds on who would die first.

It was sick, fucked up.

It had gotten us through too many drinks.

Maybe it helped, I couldn’t remember. It made it clearer who was a threat.

But then of course we had to survive the initial bloodbath and we had to get weapons and supplies either way. I blinked hard. Why wouldn’t the hall stop turning? I felt like I was on a boat and the wind just a little too high for comfort.

God I hated Arlissa Crane, I hated all of her kind with their belief everything in the fucking world was their right, that they somehow deserved it.

And her hair was stupid.

Had he ran his fingers through it like he did with mine?

I probably shouldn’t knock, then I’d have to see him and work out how I felt, in the hall I could just stand here and think anything and he wouldn’t know. No-one would know, excluding the little camera they thought was hidden in the top corner, light catching as the lens as I swayed purposely side to side. Stupid.

I didn’t have to decide whether to knock, instead I swayed too far and fell into the door, swearing loudly as pain that quickly flickered into pins and needles shot up my shoulder. Stupid door. I went to scurry away before it could hurt me further when it swung open and I suddenly remembered my whole dilemma and some of the alcohol in my bloodstream seemed to flush away.

“What are you doing?” He was so tall.

“Nothing.” For once letters didn’t get caught in my mouth, instead they slipped out too quickly, awkwardly.

“You’re drunk.” He said simply, and I shook my head. “Is that were you went?” I opened my mouth but just shook my head again and he frowned, “Right, brilliant. Come on then.”

His hands hooked under me but I struggled against them, “Elenia.” He complained, huffing as he dropped me. I felt my head bounce and for a split second there were two of him peering over me.
Maybe I could have one and then everyone else could share the other.

I felt sick. And then I couldn’t tell what I felt.

I let him place me unsteadily on my feet, my brain was struggling to work through simple processes and form sentences but my feet were in a whole other world. “Sorry.” He sighed, trying to lead me in with him, into his room where she had been. “No.” I whined, “No if we go in we have to talk or...” His hands fell limp.

No,no,no. This is why we ignored it. “Sorry, sorry, sorry,sorry.”

“Elenia.”

“No, I can’t...I don’t know what to say, or not to or...I don’t want to make you sad.”

“Elle it’s fine.”

“No it’s not! It’s so far from fine Finnick and I don’t know how to...” I ended up shaking my head again, hand tangled in my hair. “And now you look sad again and I don’t...” I breathed out carefully, trying to still my mind, “And the hall is still all wavy.”

It didn’t work but his face was tight, eyes avoiding mine in a way they never did. “Finnick...” My voice was still slurred, and my throat stung, “I’m sorry.”

His hand was rubbing the back of his neck, my spare one slipping as I reached for the door frame to steady myself. “You need to go to bed.”

I didn’t want him to be sad. And I was making it worse.

“I...” I left him steer me this time, one of his hands gently on my lower back. I still felt like I was treading on wet sand, my feet sinking and sticking, way too heavy. He was looking after me again.

I was so selfish.

“Are you okay?” I stopped, my tongue was fuzzy when it brushed over my teeth. “With..with...”

“I’m fine.” He lied blatantly, and I pouted, even my lips felt too large, almost numb. I hadn’t been drunk in so long. “Let’s just go to bed okay?”

“You too?” He hesitated but nodded, “Good.” I drawled. “My room?” He didn’t wait for a reason, it must have been so obvious, and it was probably plastered all over my face.

“Alright, come on then.” My stomach lurched as he picked me up and it made me so dizzy I had to close my eyes, letting my head slump onto his shoulder. “Don’t fall asleep on me.”

“I’m not.” Words were muffled onto his t-shirt. I had to try and have, or make, a reason, an excuse. “I didn’t mean to get drunk. I’m really sorry.”

We were in my room and he lowered me gently to the bed, rolling me over so I wasn’t face down in the pillow. I was fairly sure I couldn’t move, I felt like my whole body was just shutting down, like the world could explode and I still wouldn’t move.

I waited to see if he’d stay but my head was underwater, sounds blurry and disorientated.

“Do you need water?” I twitched, half lifting my head, vision completely blurry, “What?”

“Here. Otherwise you’ll wake up feeling terrible.” I nodded, and pushed myself up straight, my limbs were anchors and the mattress the sea bed.

“Did I fall asleep?” I croaked and he nodded, well at least the blurred figure that partially resembled him did. “Sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry.” I sighed and I lifted the glass to my lips, suddenly as thirsty as I could ever remember, the water gone in a few seconds. “Alright, easy.” It was gone from my stiff fingers and I wiped around my mouth, trails of water off it.

I was such a mess.

I rubbed my eyes after, laying back down. It was definitely my room because the bedding didn’t smell much like him. I bet his smelt like her.

I must have passed out again, because when I woke up even more groggy he was next to me, on his back, eyes open staring at the ceiling. One hand was resting on my ribs but it slid off as I turned onto my side, blinking hard until he came into focus.

I felt less drunk, but I could already sense the oncoming hangover. “I put more water on that side.”

He didn’t look at me, I just grumbled something that resembled a thankyou and struggled to it, drinking most of it again before I collapsed back down.

Why wasn’t he asleep? I asked him as much and he shook me off, saying gently he wasn’t tired. I bit my lip to avoid words pushing past my lips and tried to settle, the button of the shorts digging into my lower stomach. He had to be tired, we hadn’t slept much and...this afternoon had happened. I whined a little, flipping onto my back, anything to remove the images.

It was a while later when he spoke again, “You know why I was with that girl on Luka’s wedding day?”

I didn’t know what he expected me to say, so I, cowardly as ever just answered with, “No.” I followed his eye-line, staring up at the same pattern on the ceiling, building shapes.

“She knew my sister, they went to school together.” I knew even in my stupor this was a story which didn’t need any comments, “And obviously it wasn’t that long after your games. I just...I don’t know, I felt like at home, out of everywhere it would be different, it would actually mean...” He sighed, one of his hands twitching on his chest.

“You know how it is, those kids every year who say they would have volunteered if this and that were right. And all they care about is just that bit of it. I didn’t want it to be like it was here, and I was trying to convince myself it wasn’t. It wasn’t like that with you, ever.”

He spoke slowly, cutting off every couple of words to think. I wearily felt for that twitching hand, locking our fingers.

I couldn’t claim to ever understand what he meant properly. I still obsessed over those six horrifying times, he was put through that every single year, always expected to smile, act like he enjoyed it and wanted too. Hence that sickening Capitol persona he put on every time we got off the train.

But I got what he meant by being home, it was supposed to be different, and to a degree everything was, but you never escaped the games, least of all him and Cashmere who went through this every year.

And Johanna had lost her entire family by saying no.

I was lucky they got bored when they realised I was mentally disturbed, just one of the labels dropped on my head. Post traumatic stress was another, but then so many things I’d grown scared of didn’t relate to here that I was sure I had always been crazy just under the surface.

“You wanted me to send her away, didn’t you? And you’re angry I didn’t.” He finally looked at me, not needing me to speak, “I debated it, but you know how sponsors are, lose one you might never get something. And we need supplies in there, medicine, food to make sure it works out.”

“I know Finn.” I scrambled, squeezing his hand tight, I didn’t like where he was going.

“Or the other hand, it goes wrong and we both die. Least I could have gone with a bit of dignity, eh?”

“Don’t.” I snapped, pulling my hand away, “Don’t say things like that!” He lifted a brow, watching as I sat up, head spinning so badly I felt the sick lift, swallowing burning acid down, “You don’t get to. You are easily the best person I have ever met and I don’t claim to know what it’s like to go through what you do, no-one does and I’m so sorry, I’ve always been so sorry that it happens and...”

My chest was heavy. “We never talk about and I know we don’t want to, I know you don’t want to, but if it makes you feel like that then...” Why had tears reached me, “I...” There was nothing more I could offer, “I love you. And I am not angry at you, I could never be angry at you over this...Finnick?!”

“That just makes me feel worse. I’d be angry.” He finally spoke, cutting off my ridiculous ramble.

“At her, at them!” I flung my arms up, “Never at you. Ever. I hate them and I hate what they do!” He went to shush me, well aware of the cameras, “No, and I don’t give a fuck if they all know that. They’re running out of people I care about, I mean, you’re here. They killed Luka! Thom is fuck knows where and...”

He sat up quickly, hand landing gently over my mouth, his voice low, “They can hurt you.” His words were a little dangerous, “And you mean more to me than anyone.”

His eyes were burning into mine, although yet again he wasn't in focus, waiting until I nodded and the hand slid down, his lips against mine for less than a second.

“Go to sleep.” He demanded, laying back down. I did the same, still breathing heavily, heart thumping against my chest. There was no way I would be sleeping for a while, something Johanna said was playing on my mind.

“Finnick.” I tested after a few minutes, my back to him. He murmured back a yes, “Am...am I someone they threatened to hurt if you said no?”

“After a while, they worked it out before I even did.”

If he just didn’t care this wouldn’t be happening. It was my fault this was still happening to him, that she had even come and I’d just run off, abandoned him to deal with it. There must have been some way I could make her leave.

How many had I just let in over the last few years?

“I’m sorry.” I felt like someone was strangling me, choking on that word. He twisted quickly, and I was shoved onto my back, him hovering over me like he had done the morning before, but under such different circumstances. “Don’t you dare apologise to me over this.”

“I...”

“You just told me you love me, did you mean it?”

“Of course I did.” He smiled, sincerely, and a lot of the darkness that had clung to his face since I had gotten back fell.

“So no saying sorry.” I smiled for him but I didn’t feel any better, especially not when he gently put his arm over me and I noticed the several small angry cuts and bruises on his knuckles.

I wonder if it was the wall in his bedroom or the tiles in the shower.

“And no more talking about it, okay?” He waited for me to answer, kissing the back of my neck, my hair splayed on the pillow. I didn’t feel drunk anymore I felt terrible, physically and emotionally.

He told me he loved me again.

It didn’t help.


Blithe had forced several strong pills and cups of coffee down my throat the next morning. I’d woken up and Finnick had gone. I don’t know if he still wanted to play the part of just friends, so much had happened in clear view of the security guards even after all he’d done everything else for sponsors to help us.

And I wouldn’t be with him in there after all of it.

I wasn’t even comforting Trix and her continuing delicate sniffles. I just let their conversation wash over me, even Margy more emotional than I was.

I was stone.

I hated them all, the three women tending to me who prepared children each year, Naloh, the people who watched, Snow. And more than that, Arlissa fucking Crane and her dead husband. I was too full of anger to feel much else, not hunger as Naloh and Luine pressured me to eat.

Not even anything when Trix eventually burst into tears. I had gone from feeling everything to nothing. I wanted it over with, I wanted to die in some magnificent fuck you to them all or it had to work. For it to work I couldn’t be there with Finnick and I had to tell him before it was too late.

Luine had gone to get a drink when there was a knock on my door, the air in my room was heavy with hairspray and scented candles to make sure the lingering smell of my sick from earlier that day was gone.

“You look beautiful.” I glanced at him, already I wanted to hide behind my hair but it was a crown around my head.

“Thank you.” I said stiffly, he didn’t need a compliment in return, a few minutes with a prep team made him completely perfect. I smiled although I was sure it looked fake, it felt it.

“Don’t be like this.” He urged and I fiddled with my earring.

“I’m not being like anything Finnick. I’m...tired and I feel sick.” He bit his lip but not even that affected me, I felt like a zombie.

“Probably why you shouldn’t get drunk.” He joked badly. I detested that as well, that he was pretending yesterday had never happened and that he was perfectly fine.

If he could manage that surely so could I.
I couldn’t manage with much.

“Where were you yesterday? I never asked.” I debated lying but it wasn’t worth it,

“With Johanna.” He looked amused, “I realised when I stormed out I didn’t exactly have any other friends.”

“It’s a sad day when someone as delightful as Johanna is your only friend.”

“Mmmm.” I didn’t look but I could feel the frown spread. “Sorry.” I offered just as blankly, guilt cracked through me and I stood on my tiptoes, not really needing to with the heels and kissing him.

He gripped me tightly and for a moment I melted, just he mattered. There wasn’t yesterday and there certainly wasn’t a tomorrow.

But that was broken too quickly, a little giggled apology from Luine. I sighed, and he excused himself before she turned to me, “That does not look like the face of someone who just kissed Finnick Odair, cheer up.”

I had to tell him soon. I had to keep him alive, last night I’d realised that was more important to me than anything had ever been. I had to draw the Careers away for as long as possible.
Whatever the cost. I owed him that much.

“Member of the Finnick fan club now are we?” I bit, her face recoiling with upset, irritated that just as quickly I was sorry for my words. I didn’t apologise and she didn’t try to make any more jokes, instead going through her rules from the day before, but gently, as if wary I was going to snap again.

I wanted to burn yesterday out of history.

“Here.” She said finally, backing away and reaching into her pockets, her trousers ballooned at the hips to at least four times her own width. “It’s like Finnick’s but smaller.” She pressed a beautifully painted shell into my hands, only reaching my height due to her own shoes. “Hair or necklace?”

I checked myselfin the mirror again, “Hair...please.” She did as I asked, patting me over once again and making sure there were no creases in the skirt. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.” My conscience forced the words out of me.

She accepted the apology instantly, “Being angry isn’t going to change anything.” She advised, “You should enjoy your time with him. You’ll regret it if not.”

My hand found is way to my mouth, stifling aching sobs that burst out of nowhere, her small hands on my arms hushing me, “Not the make-up Elenia, come on, we have to go soon and you need to look like you haven’t got a care in the world. Okay honey?”

Honey. I hated that word.

But I nodded, and she dabbed under my eyes, my make-up wasn’t heavy, a violet tinged lip and simple eyeliner with false eyelashes which she sighed with relief hadn’t moved or come unstuck.

“No more crying. He won’t like it if he can tell you have been.”

I wasn’t sure if she meant Caesar or Finnick.