Suffocate

The games started at ten am sharp. They did every year.

I had eight hours, I’d be woken at seven to prepare, to get ready, have that last medical scan, head under the arena with Luine and lift up on that metal plate. So really I had five hours until I had to be up and ready to start the day.

Whatever ready could qualify as.

I knew Finnick wasn’t asleep. I don’t know why we were even in the same bed. I think it was that idea of the last night, possibly and probably unless everything went perfectly. But we weren’t talking. Originally I thought he had given up, accepted it.

That didn’t last long and he’d found another flame of fury I had no words to extinguish.

All I could do was not back down, although as I feared he’d set doubts deep inside me, and as I curled up they were just pushed closer to my heart.

He’d yelled, I’d cried.
That had stopped it although I knew he was far from finished.

He had never fully lost his temper at me before and I couldn’t deal with it. I just crumbled pathetically, still sniffling when we reached the apartment and I just shook my head at a concerned looking Mags, hearing her warbled harsh words at him.

Everyone was angry because of me.

Naloh wasn’t here, you didn’t see escorts the morning of. By the interviews their job was pretty much over and they went home to enjoy the games with everyone else. I didn’t miss him.

I had tried to wash it all away with a shower as hard and hot as I could manage, the weak tears just blending with the water.
For a while I reasoned nothing that happened in there could be worse than him hating me as he probably did now, throwing everything back in his face. I let the voices fight it out, trying to rationalise it.

It may even help, he wouldn’t worry so much. He wouldn’t try and stop me. I could help Johanna keep them alive, or die trying. But I knew however many nights I saw I’d be desperate not for his picture to be beamed into the sky. That would destroy me. I’d always known how important he was, even if my true feeling were a rather recent revelation.

But it was strange to be aware that I couldn’t imagine a life without him involved in some way.

That shiver hit me again and the sweet smell of the conditioner did nothing to soothe it, the body gel was rough, balls to exfoliate that almost stung my smooth body. That had been done earlier that day, the creams, the pills to stop hair growth, periods, clear up skin.

Even fighting to the death they wanted you to look as presentable as possible. That fire burnt in my stomach, flickering with hate and I dragged myself out, red streaks down my legs from the trickle of the heat.

I didn’t care. I couldn’t believe the day was nearly here, just under twelve hours away. I wanted it to be just out of reach, how it had felt for months but all too soon it had hit me.

I had to do this, with Finnick’s approval or without. I’d been through the reasoning enough.

If Beetee and Wiress didn’t survive we didn’t get out, regardless of who was left. They had to succeed, and I had to try and help. They needed me and Johanna, Katniss and Peeta had proved they didn’t.

I still had no idea what was going to happen if she died too soon, would we still try and escape? Or would that be it, just another game with a martyr the Capitol would try to erase from history.

Where would that leave Thom, everyone who had any thought of rebelling?

It had to work. I had to do my job, Finnick had to do his. However he felt about that.
This was clearly extraordinarily negatively.

I pulled myself regretfully back to the present, twisting a little, the sheet caught between my thighs.

I’d tried to explain that once again to him and it had started this ill silence I wanted to break. It was almost humorous how scared I was he was going to shout at me, in that time he seemed like someone else.

Maybe he was just sick of me, how I was. I would be. But I was sick of the silence.

“Finnick?” He’d had his sheets changed, but somehow the sickeningly citrus smell of Arlissa Crane lingered, that just spurred me on, “If you’re mad at me and we live that’s fine. But if it goes wrong I do not want to die knowing you had nothing to say to me.” I sat up, pushing myself over to him.

“I have a lot to say to you.” He answered stiffly, that bitter tinge still lingering on his words.

“Not now.” I practically begged, “I don’t want to fight tonight, not right before we go in.” He sighed, but quick as a shot had twisted up, nose bumping against mine as he cupped my face and met my mouth. “I’m still mad.”

“I know.” I admitted, tasting him on my lips. He looked it a little bit, but he didn’t reject me when I kissed him again, and it didn’t take long to grow more desperate. It could be the last time for everything our odd little friendship, or rather my utter dependency had blossomed in to.

His hands slipped down as mine moved upwards and before I was even aware of it I was in his lap, only a tiny bit taller than him even so. His hands danced up my back so I arched it, letting him tug the top over my head, although he didn’t meet my lips immediately. Pushing me back a little.

I wasn’t sure if I liked it when he seemed to examine me how he was now. I felt vulnerable, like he could pick out any imperfections. But yet he never did, his thumbs grazed over my hipbones, less protruding than they had been in years. I was healthier, and I’d been told enough times I looked it but compared to him there was nothing special about me.

I turned my head from him, lifting my hand to push back my hair which had dried naturally, and in the cool apartment slowly, meaning it was once again a matted mane. His hands moved over my stomach and I straightened, his lips delicately grazing the dip in my neck where my collarbones met.

I inhaled sharply, fingers barely making contact as my nails dragged over his upper arms. His kisses, as light as the breeze in summer travelled down my chest, and the anticipation was building, my core burning, aching for him. He stopped suddenly, as low as he could bend and sat upright, pecking my surprised lips once again.

“You’re beautiful.” He whispered it, but somehow that just made the words so much more powerful, ringing in my ears. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you enough.”

“I...” It cracked, and I knew there was no words I could say. I leant into him.


“Luine will be here soon.” He was playing with the ends of my hair, “I’m still not happy.” It was the first time he had brought it up in hours and I was still groggy from the light sleep I’d eventually found.

“I’m still not changing my mind.”

“I know.” He rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows so he could see me. “I just want you to be okay.” His voice was still that soft tone that made my heart ache and that dread tingle in my fingertips.

“I know.” I repeated lamely, “And I will be, and I will meet you. I promise.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“Sure I can.” He managed an entirely false small smile that probably resembled my own, leaning over to kiss me, “We should get up, shouldn’t we?” He pouted and I mimicked it. “I’ll see you in there.”

“Will you?” The words were earnest, hopeful. I nodded, not trusting myself with the sudden lump in my throat to speak. “People will find it weird if we don’t partner up.”

It was probably still going to work better in his favour. I shrugged and he snatched me closer again, one last lingering kiss that made my whole body erupt in pins and needles. There were three soft knocks on the door, clearly Luine.

“I’ll see you soon.” I promised, the lump growing. He nodded, brushing hair out of my face.

“Can I come in?” I pulled his shirt further over down my legs but I couldn’t manage the words and he had to invite her in, taking my hand and walking me to the door. Even Luine looked tired under her layers of thick make-up, bags under her eyes I wasn’t used to.

She’d changed her hair, it was in thick waves, a tidier version of mine and dyed a deep blue.

She saw me looking, “Effie did it for Twelve, and I wanted everyone to know where I stood.” When she smiled it was teary, “I’m sorry Finnick, we have to get ready to go.” He nodded, kissing me again.

Luine knew, she didn’t care.

And I think he was past caring now. It was all too real for that. I just wish that epiphany had happened a few days ago so one of the last people to touch him wasn’t Arlissa fucking Crane.

“Get away from the Cornucopia as quick as possible and don’t stop till your far enough way. Find somewhere high to get an idea of the arena, make sure you...” He bumbled and I kissed him again, smiling at him, his fingers trailing across my palm, that reluctance flowing through me. “Soon.” He promised, holding my gaze until he couldn’t any more and Marck appeared.

It didn’t take long, I dressed simply and she just checked over me, applied several face creams and even brushed my hair like I was a child. “Okay,” She breathed, her voice more clipped than I was used too, “Let’s go.”

I trailed after her, each step felt odd, and my legs didn’t seem to want to carry me but we headed downstairs. I wished we could have gone with Finnick and Marck but there were tightly designated time slots to avoid anyone seeing each other. The walk was short, into a separate room to the gymnasium. I had to walk through a scanner and have my tracking chip inserted into my forearm.

Even the guards looked odd today, and the woman smiled at me weirdly as I walked through.
Hopefully that meant the previous evening had gotten through to them.

“Arm.” The other barked and I winced at the contraption pressed against it, the glow as the tracker set into place was visible through my flesh. “All done, move on, third hovercraft to the right Luine.”

She nodded, thanking him briskly and climbing in beside me. It was too big for one person but rather than sit opposite me she sat to my right, linking our hands as we did our seatbelts up and the aircraft lifted.

I was glad she was here, as ridiculous and often irritating as she was. She had been as much of a help to me as anyone this year, second only to Finnick and Mags. “I didn’t see Mags today.” I realised out loud, an intense pain in my gut, “I didn’t see her, I didn’t get to say goodbye properly, I didn’t...” Her grip tightened at my frantic rambling, “I should have...”

“She knows how much she means to you and vice versa. You have to go in there and make her proud. Keep yourself alive, that is the most important thing.”

It wasn’t, but it was nice of her to try and I took several long breaths, only feeling better when we stopped and were led down yet another twisting underground hallway, into the launch pad room. I sat on the bench, sipping on water like I told tributes to do each year.

You never knew where your next drink was coming from.

I already felt sick, I had so many things I should have said to Mags, and now it was too late. But I couldn’t, in less than an hour I was going to be in the arena, I had to have my head focused, mind clear.

I had to find Johanna, avoid the bloodbath. I was a fast runner, I knew that, I could grab something from the Cornucopia then hunt for Beetee and Wiress, tear them away from the danger. Do what Finnick had said.

That soothed me a little and she reappeared from round the corner. “A wetsuit.” She mused, helping me slide it over simple underwear and underclothes, again, even though simple they were tight and well fitting. Just in-case someone happened to expose themselves.

“What do you think then?”

“Well water would be a miracle.” She tried to joke but her false smile dropped, “Somewhere hot, possibly wet. It’s not very thick at all...” she pursed her lips but stopped, helping next to put my hair up in a high ponytail, adding a few plaits and ensuring it would be out of my face. “I hope you don’t mind, but you didn’t say anything about a token so I thought maybe this...”

It was a similar shell to the night before, on a short golden chain. “Open it.” She suggested and I did, a tiny painting of the ocean, the blue filled with shapes so small I had to squint. It was dolphins, mermaids.

“Mermaids?” I asked, “Why mermaids?”

“When I met your brother before your victory tour he told me that delightfully funny story you have about your father seeing one once.”

“He didn’t really see one.” I told her, although I felt warm at the memory, “He used to tell us that to make us feel better. It became sort of a thing...why did Thom tell you?” She shrugged.

“He was scared about how you weren’t coping, he said if you got really bad that was the only thing that seemed to work...but then Finnick does as well, doesn’t he?” I nodded, instantly scared again, trying to swallow it down.

“Well, thank you Luine, it’s beautiful.” She smiled, helping me put on the thin plimsolls, also covered in the same material before sitting down next to me, just waiting for the announcement.

Like everything it came too soon.

“Okay, breathe, make sense of where you are before you react. You can do this okay?”

I couldn’t, if this was a regular game I had no chance and she knew that.

“Don’t do anything stupid. I’ll do all I can for sponsors and I’ll watch Mags and...” The voice called again and I stepped onto the metal plate, my whole body was trembling. “Good luck.” She finished weakly.

“Thank you Luine.” I breathed, watching as the glass slid down, blocking me from her and I stood straight, wiping under my eyes, breathing carefully again and counting between each. I met her smile and reciprocated it, holding it as I began to move.

I couldn’t once she was no longer in sight and I stared at the metal around the tube, suddenly it was glimmering, glaring at me. I shut my eyes, juddering to a halt before I dared to open them, having to squint to see as they adapted.

I smelt it first, that delicious smell of home.
Water, salt water completely surrounded me.

The podium was in a circular pool, lines formed of stones leading between a thin beach surrounded by a thick layer of what looked like tropics and inwards to the Cornucopia sitting in the centre. The only way there was swimming, and that was no issue whatsoever. I stretched, ignoring Claudius Templesmith as he announced the games, my eyes were on the time, slowly moving down.

I reached to touch my toes, only just trying to look where the other victors stood. There were a lot of the rows and in-between each, about equal distance apart were two victors. To my right stood Wiress by some lucky twist of fate. She met my eyes and I lowered mine pointedly to where I stood. We couldn’t talk, that wasn’t allowed but she gave an almost indistinguishable nod.

I had thirty seconds. I searched for him, even though I shouldn’t have, getting better to grips with where I stood. About thirty metres from the Cornucopia but if I swam a bit to the right I could get onto the pathway and run to island it sat on. If where I stood on this circle was Twelve o’clock, he was eight. I could tell it was him because of his hair, just poking around the edge of the central island.

Ten seconds. I swore at myself, I couldn’t see Beetee, but I could see Johanna, not far from someone who when I squinted looked like Peeta. I could get there quicker, grab weapons and whatever else, get away before everyone formed there for the initial bloodbath and run back to Wiress, get her onto the beach behind us. Johanna could handle herself, she would have to get Beetee.

Could he swim?

How many people here could actually swim?

I didn’t have time, the two merged into a one and then the cannon was fired and I was met with the cool refreshing feel of the water. Ears popping as I was completely submerged. Relaxed as I felt for that split second I didn’t stop, arms and feet moving without through, propelling me through the water.

I couldn’t really hear anything else, just the splash around me.

I clambered out onto the rocks almost calmly, only a few metres from the centre and sprinted in, looking side to side. I could see a few bodies, but many were swimming, or standing on podiums.

I searched around for Johanna, she was still in the water, I couldn’t see her. I didn’t stop, I ran to the glinting gold pile, desperately searching for anything what looked like food, water. There was nothing, just weapons. I growled, heart thumping hard as I pulled out an axe, a short spear and a belt of knives, strapping it across my hips and doing it tight. The splashing behind me was louder and I spun, spear lifted.

My fingers were twitching, itching under the skin. There was still nobody here on this side. I tried to calm down, there had to be something other than weapons, maybe hidden deep in the large pile.

There wasn’t anything, just tools to kill each other.

I reached for another axe but I heard the yell, the mistakable voice. “Duck!” Finnick. I stiffened, leaving it and turning shakily.

I could hear a body fall on the opposite side, and others, feet hitting the ground. I couldn’t wait. I darted back onto one of the pathways, water dripping onto my brow out of the way.

It was so hot I knew I wouldn’t be wet for long. I twisted, Wiress was still on her podium, far enough away from danger. “Johanna!” I yelled, spotting her finally clamber up onto the rock, showing her my axe high in the air. “Beetee!” She called back, vanishing from my view.

I swore, scurrying again in that direction, almost slamming straight into a building fight, Berg from ten and the morphling addict from Six. I didn’t have loyalties to either of them but still I flung the axe to clear a path.

I suppose it was more out of instinct than anything else.

The man from Six, his name completely irrelevant now slumped to the ground, choking on the axe in his throat. I almost lurched, and everything was so slow, the blood seeping onto the sandy terrain, the life draining from him.

A pain slicing against arm, spear slung backwards woke me up and suddenly everything was too quick, too loud.

Brutus was grinning, knives in his hand.

I dragged Berg back, using him as some sick sort of human shield as I dove ungracefully into the water, pushing him towards the danger, swimming deep under a path and backwards before I yanked myself out, spilling onto the rocks.

Brutus had turned his attention elsewhere but I could finally see Beetee, Johanna was yelling, trying to keep Enobaria back. It was harder to climb the rocks this time, my energy struggling, stomach rumbling.

I hadn’t eaten had I? So stupid!

I ran again, Seeders arm was lifting, long knife in hand but I managed to curve around the other action, slamming into her and sending us both to the floor, air forced hard from my lungs. “No Seeder!” I yelled before she shoved me off of her, Beetee vanishing. I was up on my feet before her, almost slipping as the waves lapped at our ankles.

I couldn’t kill her. Her eyes were screaming for me not too.

Instead I left her, calling again for Johanna, taking a chance and snatching a sword from the pile and a new axe. My other was embodied in him still.

A sword hit close to me and I shrieked, wedging my way between the pile of weapons and the cool gold wall of the Cornucopia, squeezing through to the other side and right into the forming Career pack.

Finnick and Katniss stood about halfway up one of the paths in front of me. Neither were looking in this direction but I didn’t yell, as much as I wanted too. Instead I tried to squeeze back through to the other side, as far away from the Careers as possible when a thick hand clasped at my arm.

I didn’t scream for him. My jaw clenched and I tugged hard at my own, feeling it almost come from the joint. I wasn’t going to get through before they had a weapon, it was too tight, and their grip was too strong. I twisted my body was much as possible, facing my captor.

Gloss.

I wanted to pretend I was surprised but I wasn’t. We may have been holding hands last night but that meant nothing. He wrenched me and I slipped from my spot, wrenched further out into the open, his free hand moved, tearing the weapons from mine and flinging them to the floor.

“Cashmere!” He shouted, that stupid moment of distraction and his underestimation of me gave me a chance. I pulled myself back on his weight, giving me more force to fling my foot forward, into his crotch where I knew I’d cause the most pain.

It worked and he let out a guttural groan, loosening his grip, allowing me to grab my weapons again and smack my shoulder into him, aware of the sounds of a spear clashing against the edge of the Cornucopia I dived behind.

I couldn’t hear properly anymore, it was just my pounding heart. We’d been here far too long.
Wiress had moved onto the path, waiting nervously in the centre with Blight, blood on his face. There was some on my arm where the dagger earlier had caught me, and my wrist burnt when I moved it. I hoped it wasn’t broken.

I could hear screaming, effort on the other side and debated just running, I could, there was a path close to me I could just run into the jungle.

But that wasn’t what I was supposed to do. I couldn’t get here and cower out.

I watched Chaff, alone dart along the beach, limping a little. He ignored Blight and Wiress. I didn’t feel relieved, I didn’t feel anything but pure panic.

Get Beetee and Johanna and run. I was supposed to be far away by now, not in the bloodbath. I pushed myself up and off the curved wall. I wanted to sneak but there were sounds and yells from both sides and I was just a sitting duck unless I ran.

I did, almost tripping over Dextra, dead, a knife in her throat. It was Cecilia who was screaming, trying to hit at Enobaria who took her down, ripping a thick line in her stomach I saw as she spun weakly on her heels and fell. Enobaria met my eyes with a grin. She was alone so the others must be behind me, moving round to take out the last idiots to remain here.

I saw Johanna, she emerged from lose to the water, hitting out hard at Enobaria who yelped and shrank back. “Get him!” She yelled and I suddenly noticed Beetee, blood on his jumpsuit, a coil of wire in his shaking hands, crouched in the shadows.

“Beetee, get up!” I shrieked, running over, yanking him up dodging a weak throw by the woman from Ten, “You killed Berg!” She screeched, scrambling for another knife.

Cashmere didn’t give her the chance. But as she fell it could have easily been me.

I pushed Beetee onto a path, rushing behind him,” Johanna!” She was sprinting fasted along the adjacent one, and we didn’t stop until we were on the beach, meeting Wiress and Blight and vanishing through the thick tree-line, everyone’s breathing strained. I stopped, dropping into a crouch as they continued.

The Careers weren’t following us, not yet. They were going to plan, gather weapons before they tried to hunt us.

But I’d survived the initial attack, survived the Cornucopia.

That was one thing. I had to keep them alive, find Finnick tomorrow.

“Elenia!” I stood, following after my allies.