Suffocate

I almost touched my throat, feeling it dry in an instant. Somehow expecting a vibration, any sign that the noise was emitting from me. Of course it wasn’t. Neither of us moved, I was too confused, too lost in myself. “I don’t...”

But I heard it, I heard the exact reason for those faked screams. Johanna was right, it was a trick, a trap. I could only imagine what the voices led too. I heard Finnick practically screech my name from afar and my heart leapt up into my throat.

The sound of his voice, the pain in it sent a physical ripple of hurt through me.

“It’s a t...trap right?” I faced Johanna, her mouth slightly agape and in a sudden movement, she was off, sprinting in that direction. I followed her, legs shaking like jelly, my heart thudding harder than I could remember it ever doing so as the thin branches again whipped at my face.

If it was pulling him towards danger it was everything I didn’t want, him getting hurt because of me, because of some false manipulated version of my voice.

“Finnick!” I managed to call, but the other screaming seemed louder, his voice moving further away, “Finnick, it’s not real! It’s not...”

Silence fell suddenly, like a thick blanket dropped overhead. “Finnick?” I called again, Johanna several steps in front of me, “Johanna wait!” She didn’t turn but I found out why quickly, slamming up against something I couldn’t see, air catching in my throat as it was forced out of my body and I slumped back, gasping heavily.

I leapt up, I felt empty, but I was just winded, I breathed through my nose, any attempt through my mouth left me choking in coughs. Johanna was gone from my vision and it was still eerily quiet. I coughed loudly, there was nothing in front of me but more grass.

Lifting my hand slowly, stepping until it touched a cold hard surface I realised it was a force-field.

Not like the barrier of the arena, just an object, locking them in and me out, an invisible wall.

It was the hour, it had to be, the segment cut off.

So whatever else was in there could happen.

Acid was bubbling in my throat. I couldn’t get that way, couldn’t get any closer to where the noise had been beforehand and I struck out at it, pain flickering and fizzling over my knuckles. All I could do was swear between gasps, try and follow the line of the force-field, my left hand on it whilst my right clutched the sword hard.

I couldn’t get in, I knew without trying weapons wouldn’t break through it, I had no chance.

I had to get to him, I needed to...I...

I stopped again, I was panicking to the point I was almost hyperventilating, inside the force-field, just out of my touch were birds, big black ones I struggled to recognise, but there was a swarm, a flock, all moving past me, back down towards the beach.

And I bet towards Finnick. He was with Katniss, he had to be, it had been her sister.

Was Johanna caught in there too?

I called her again, knowing I’d have no effect but starting to run, trying to keep the birds in my sight although they moved quicker than I could and every breath was a rattling ache cross my tightened body.

I couldn’t see him, they could be attacking them, I bet that was it. A whole swarm of killer birds, a sob twitched in my clogged throat and my breath rattled. He could kill the birds, he had his trident, he had... another flurry moved past me and I heard a shout it took a few seconds to comprehend.

“Peeta?!” I lifted my voice as much as possible, it was shrill, clipped, “Peeta!”

“Elenia? Where are you?” I kept running towards the voice, quicker as it grew louder, “It’s not real, Katniss, it’s not real, it’s not real, Elenia...Prim's okay, Finnick?!”

I stumbled on a thick root, spilling to the ground, but I was close. I staggered up, my knee was aching but I ignored it, too desperate, too worried. “Peeta?”

“Over here!” I saw him suddenly, hands flat against what must be the edge of the force field, crouched down not far from where we had left them, Katniss was on the other side. Shooting desperately at the birds who were flying ahead, settling in trees.

But they weren’t attacking them.

“What are they?” I breathed, finding it hard to move again a few metres away from the shimmering material, my knee protesting every step.

“Jabber jays.” Beetee told me, struggling to his feet, “Some sort of vocal manipulation.”

“But...it was her sister,right?” I could see Finnick, head on his knees, hands over either ear. He was so close and yet I couldn’t reach him, even so I rushed there, hitting hard on the glass like substance behind him.

“He can’t hear you.”

“I figured that.” I snapped, voice in waves, “What...how do they do?”

“It’s simple, just manipulating voices, you can make them say anything if you have a source.”

“I don’t...Finnick.” I said weakly, palms flat, “Why... why was it me? Why could I hear me?” he looked so vulnerable, curled up like a child, his trident left beside him even as Katniss tried to fight them off.

Tears were stinging my eyes.

He’d given up, sunk into himself as he always tried to stop me doing, I couldn’t even imagine what he was hearing.

“It’s a bit of an error on their behalf.” Beetee explained, moving stiffly over. My hands were at Finnick’s shoulder height, the inch or so of distance between us could have been miles.

“It’s obviously set to cause distress.” I nodded, swallowing back a biting remark, glancing at Peeta who was staring just as desperately at Katniss.

He did love her. I had no doubt of that now.

“It will be people they are close to, family, loved ones. Of course I suppose they had an idea but it was triggered by whoever moves in and most likely automatically. They’ll have voice recordings of anyone who had ever appeared on camera manipulated and waiting.”

“It’s who they care about most, isn’t it? Katniss with her sister, and Finnick with you.” Peeta pushed away from the glass, “I can’t get her to even look at me.”

“That’s the error, with you being in here as well. But obviously they had some sort of algorithm and you were the predetermined voice.” His hand awkwardly patted my head, I needed Finnick to turn, to have some realisation, to know I was here and fine.

I couldn’t move around to the side of him, the segment was too wide, it was hard to swallow. I hit hard against the invisible material again, always to no effect.

“Johanna’s in there somewhere.” I said lowly, although I knew with the quiet both would hear me, “She was ahead of me, and we were trying to get to Finnick. I lost sight of her before I realised.”

I didn’t know who she was hearing, she said she had no-one left.

But she obviously hadn’t followed the flock of birds, more and more appearing as if from the trees until Katniss had run out of arrows and collapsed backwards, she wasn’t looking at any of us.

I had to get her attention to get Finnick’s. I stood, knees clicking, one was obviously bleeding, I could feel the wetsuit sticking to my skin. The rest of me was just covered in sweat.

“So, it’s for the hour we’re guessing?” Peeta asked stiffly, as powerless as I was. I wanted to cry.

“This must be four till five.” I nodded, and he ran a hand over his face. “What do we do?”

“All we can do is wait.” Beetee offered, looking uncomfortable and sitting back down against a tree. I couldn’t, it had to have been at least ten minutes, more than that but I couldn’t stop moving. Pacing back and forth, hoping he’d lift his head, that I could give him some signal that I was here, that I was fine.

“So it’s multiple voices?” I had to have some sort of conversation around otherwise I felt I’d go insane as they both looked.

“I would say so.” Beetee answered again, but that only made me feel worse. Desperately trying to work out who else they could be torturing Finnick with, Mags, Bathilda? His friends, what was left of his family.

I knew who it would be if I was in his place, Mags, Thom, my nieces, my sisters in law, even my mother. But none of it would be worse than hearing him in pain, not being able to escape that.

He was shaking, I could tell and it was so fucking difficult not to be able to do anything but wait for their nightmare to be over. I sat down when my knee felt a little better, back against the cool, I couldn’t even enjoy that it brought my hot body relief.

I felt horrible. So pointless, so powerless, so unable to do anything.

Katniss had curled into a ball, face down in the thick grass. I rested mine in my hands, trying to think of something I could do, some way I could help.

But I didn’t dare leave him; I couldn’t leave him, regardless of whether or not he knew I was here, if he even cared.

Neither of them moved more than to twitch, but each time Peeta and I turned, checked, hoped for them to notice we were even here. They didn’t. All that existed was in that horrible invisible cage.

Johanna didn’t appear for a long time but I stood when I saw her, she was in a far better state then the other two, but even she looked a little pale. She dropped the leaf full of fruit she had somehow clung onto, tossing her axe at a low bird and almost cutting it in half, yanking it out.

I gestured to her, pointing to Finnick. “Tell them we’re here! Johanna! Go to Finnick!” I don’t know why I was shouting, if anything I was making more danger for ourselves, we had been so loud the Careers would probably know exactly where we were.

Another stutter of fear.

I crouched as she dropped her axe, going to him rather than Katniss and making Peeta frown. I couldn’t tell what she was saying, but she struggled at all to lift his hands from his ears, to get his attention. She was gesturing to me, his hands lowering,grasping the grass hard as they did.

My own rested flat against that wall, so desperate to touch him.

The hour had to be nearly up now, surely. And it had been one of the longest of my life, even with the immediate panic of him being physically hurt long gone this was more than that. This was mental abuse, mental torture. If I could swap places I would in less than a heartbeat.

I barely noticed the movement, so selfishly absorbed but when I look his hands are pressed at the same height as mine, almost as filthy. I can see the pressure points of his skin against the force-field and dare to lift my eyes to his. There are tear tracks down his face and I feel my own eyes prickle.

“I’m okay.” I mouthed slowly, shaking my head, “No-ones hurt, it’s not real.”

He nodded, his lips looked cracked, he was pale, his eyes are still ringed with red and I didn’t dare move my hands, as if I’d suddenly lose him. His hairs stuck in curls to his face and forehead and he lowers his eyes, staring hard at my feet.

I thought I’d somehow feel better when he could see me, almost feel me, know I was okay but I don’t. That I could see was, he wasn't.

It felt like forever until that hour was up, and all of a sudden I slipped forward and his hands was properly against mine, warm, rough and sweaty. I could hear Peeta comforting Katniss, Johanna grumbling as she gathered her leaf, snapping at a caring Beetee. The birds lift, wings flapping and in such a large number making my hair dance.

None of it mattered.

My arms had easily found their way around his neck, my legs completely numb from how I had been positioned, pins and needles flooding my feet. His hands are digging too tightly into my opposite sides, the strength of his arms making it hard to breathe. His head was buried in my collarbone, and I could finally feel his vicious shaking, how rigid he was.

“I’m sorry.” Was all I managed to gasp, I didn’t know what I was sorry for. I was sorry that it had been my voice, that they had done this. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I don’t...” I swallowed hard, just buying myself further into him.

Peeta had Katniss sat up, but she almost seemed comatose, his arms rocking her back and forth, assuring her it wasn’t true, that it was a trick, everything Beetee had said. I barely listened although I hoped Finnick was, the two making more sense than I could.

Finnick stopped shaking after a few minutes and I risked loosening my grip, wiping my own stupid tears that had escaped off of my face. I felt stupid, I’d been out here, not facing the hour and yet I was probably more of a mess than him.

But then I was weaker. I would have lost my mind hearing what they had.

“None of it was real.” I swallowed, mouth dry, “You know that. They haven’t hurt anybody, they-“ His hands slipped from my back, grabbing the back of my head firmly, tugging on my hair as he wrenched me forward, my lips against his.

The arena melted away. That same daze settled that I had lived in in his room back in the Capitol. It had been too long since I had felt him, and every pore was on fire as his lips moved against mine, ending softly before I was released, breathing heavily and four pairs of eyes on us, various expressions.

I didn’t care what they thought, my head was spinning delightful, regardless of the situation. That was until I blinked properly back into the cruel reality surrounding us.

Of course Johanna was the first to speak, “Can’t you just hear the hearts breaking in the Capitol?” She smirked. “I’m getting water.”

“The birds...” Katniss started, she seemed to have no idea Johanna had been in there with her.

“They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love.” I felt an usual pity for her but she snatched a shell from by Beetee and the spile that had been clenched so tightly in Finnick’s hands before he had seen me, vanishing into the trees. I wanted to go after her, but I wasn’t going to leave Finnick not now.

He’d just thrown everything away, in terms of sponsors, those adoring fans that had kept him alive before with the promise they could have him.

I felt like I should care, but I was giddy. That fell when I saw him, his face had regained colour but he looked a little spaced out again and I searched for his hands, holding them tight. “Finnick...”

“I’m okay.” He smiled at me but it wasn’t sincere and my stomach dropped. He certainly didn’t look okay. I leant over to grab his trident, pressing a kiss against his forehead in the same way he often did to me, hoping it would have any sort of similar effect.

He blinked, and took my free hand, climbing fluidly to his feet. We moved to the beach, Johanna still elsewhere, but the leaf full of fruit under my arm, my hand clenched in his. Beetee continued to try and convince them, us, that there was no harm done to anyone, using me as an example to show how false it was. I could see the words calming him slightly, sinking into him.

I struggled to take off my shoes without using my hands, but again I refuse to let Finnick go and I think he felt the same, pulling me softly towards the lapping waves as I drop everything else and wading in up to his knees, sitting down. I did the same, shuffling closer on the damp sea bed, clutching his hands with both of mine and resting them between my knees, my head on his shoulder.

“None of it was real.” He said slowly and I agreed quickly, sitting up straight again, “It could have been, with you.” I gulped, instantly trying to urge him it wasn’t, I was with him now, I was safe. We were in a good position. The words were just spouting from me, doing my best to convince him and to a degree myself.

I curl my toes in the sand, “I don’t know what I would have done if it was true.” I silenced him with my lips, the waves breaking on my back. He didn’t reject me, didn’t seem to have come to his senses about the whole thing and push me away. Instead he pulled me closer, the comfort was worth more than anything, the acceptance, not having to hide it.

I wasn’t at all surprised he was shaken up, but he just couldn’t allow this to linger, for him to be distracted, not in here, and not now. The kiss is far softer this time and when I pulled back he smiles again, more believably. “You want to go for a swim?” I suggest and it twists into a smirk.

“What about your arms?” I shrugged, telling him they don’t really hurt anymore and it’s true. “You’ve got green on your face.” I pout, him leaning forward and rubbing it off, not quite sure how I managed it when it’s pretty much all gone from him as it is.

“Come on.” I urged, crawling into water deep enough that I can float. He grabs my feet like he did in the pool at home, that first night as I drift further away. I smile, the memories washing over me and I’m all too suddenly released, a small splash as he dives under and resurfaces several metres away.

I follow suit when the water around me seems to almost stiffen, short sharp waves in the depths. A cannon shot.

I kick up instantly, facing back towards our section of the beach, eyes wide with panic. Our four allies sit still, Peeta and Katniss still close, Johanna cutting up the fruit. The hovercrafts causes unusual ripples in the water as it moves over, the claw falling and lifting several times in the next section. I winced, they were torn to shreds, whoever it was.

“We’re not going in there.” Finnick said with determination, paddling over to me, I nod blankly treading water, “There can’t be many of us left.” He looked completely back to normal, which somehow worked to only make the ball in my stomach grow.

But if he was going to ignore it and pretend it had never happened it would be cruel of me to do any different.

“Us, Brutus and Enobaria...at least someone else... we’ll worry about it when they show the anthem.” I wanted to ignore the inevitable for as long as the possible, already the sky was starting to change colour, a beautiful orange merging with the pink that illuminates him perfectly. “We better catch some dinner then, we should make another net.”

“Okay.” I breathed, and we swam back to the beach slowly, his hands catching mine under the water again.


By the time the sun sets we’ve eaten the fruit and the fish Finnick and I catch are being prepared by Katniss and I . My arms are covered in the last of the medicine, and they are all but healed, although my remaining skin is clearly far more pale than it had been before.

A few more stubborn scabs remain on his arms that are still dabbed with the mold covered green, Finnick was saving the rest of the medicine for Katniss and Peeta.

All too soon the anthem plays and I stare upwards, watching the pictures, Cashmere. Gloss. Wiress.. The woman from District 5. The morphling who died before I had met them. Blight. Seeder.

We were left, just us, Brutus, Enobaria and Chaff.

I didn’t want to hurt Chaff, not even after he had run. He’d been smart too.

But how had that been just this morning? How had a day been so long and had so much happen? I try to shrug it off but I can’t, we’re running out of time.

“They’re really burning through us.” As Johanna unhelpfully stated.

It won’t be long until Twelve turn, I know that. We have to get out before that, but there is nothing I can say, no sign that can be given. I settle, and just before we eat we receive a gift of bread from Three and I pick at it, not able to unsee the faces in the sky.

Finnick, Beetee and Johanna make small talk but Peeta and Katniss are just as quiet as me until we are done. We all have four rolls, which fills me up as I eventually force them down.

It was an odd number to get, but its enough to satisfy us and I’m too tired to really care. I can only imagine how much they cost as it was. I wasn’t going to complain about that when we needed sponsors.

Finnick offered me a shell of fresh water, and he and Johanna go off to gather more, a few more bowls had been weaved by his deft fingers. The silence isn’t awkward when they leave, just, exhaustion and I can feel my eyelids drooping, having to blink hard several time and widen them.
When they get back everyone drinks their fill and we waited until the large waves crash over the rocks.

It was hard to believe I had been in that, it looks larger from opposite it, the trees creak and bend more. I was lucky I survived that, and I was more lucky that Peeta spotted me and made the connection.

I was lucky to have them, to have Finnick. I couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

We gather everything and move onto that damp beach, in theory we shouldn’t have anything to worry about until late morning and we set stuff up, the few mats unrolled. “I should have made more.” Finnick mutters, earlier seems to have been forgotten, or at least pushed down for the three of them.

Just another element of the games.

No-ones mentioned our kiss either, other than Johanna to ask what took us so long in a voice less cruel than usual. That makes me feel better, even if it was obvious it hadn’t affected anything. There had been all that worrying and still bread arrived. Arlissa Crane’s anger hadn’t rained down upon us.

Katniss and Peeta offer to take watch and no-one argues, Johanna is pretty much dead on her feet and falls asleep instantly, curled up in a ball with the axe in arms reach. Beetee propped himself up against a tree, he hadn’t spoken since Wiress’s picture had illuminated the sky and I knew he was upset, he had every right to be, they had been friends for years. That just left Finnick and I.

I took off the belt again and lay on my back on a mat, I liked that they had put stars in the sky, it was insignificant but it made it look more real.

“Real?” he smirked a little after I had spoken, brushing hair away from my face. The small movement makes me flood with butterflies.

“You know what I mean.” His hand intertwined with mine again and I got the feeling he intended on having a hold of me as much as possible. I know the jabberjays have affected him far more than he pretends.

I didn’t bring it up, I was just aware there was no way I was going to be far from him from now on.
And I liked knowing that.

“You think if we ask nicely they’ll send us toothbrushes?” I yawned, twisting onto my side so I was facing him.

“If we’re choosing between them and food I’d take the food.” I shrug but my mouth does feel horrible.

It’s a bit better since the fruit which had had a strong citrus taste, Peeta saying Effie would describe it as a palette cleanser, although it was sweet but it was just another element of the hygiene, alongside of having to find a nice bush to use as a toilet, that I’d forgotten about and not been expecting.

Either way he still seemed to want to kiss me and he did again, one last lingering kiss before we fell asleep, the end of the second day of the Seventy Fifth Hunger games.


I wasn’t sure if it was the noise that woke me up or the movement. But the chimes continued and I groaned, rubbing over my face disorientated.

“Finn?” He was sat stark upright, hand resting on his trident, “It’s just...” A loud burst of lightening silenced me, I’d never liked storms, not after what happened to my father. “Midnight.” I managed, struggling to get my hair out of my face.

He didn’t move an inch, staring in that direction the same way Katniss and Peeta, entwined, were.

I sighed, picking at my nails under the sound and flashes were over. I scanned the beach, I was half expecting the careers to appear again, to continue trying to hunt us down.

But there was less of them now I told myself, although all I could see were Cashmeres last few ragged breaths and my stomach churned. “I can’t sleep anymore.” I glanced at him, words already on my tongue I knew he wouldn’t accept.

He had that look on his face again, and if my dreams had been full of Wiress’s song fading into the gunfire in the square at home I could only imagine what he’d seen in the dark. I stood quickly to take a sip of water, Finnick declared he could watch alone, aiming a glance at me, but it was Peeta who shot him down and practically ordered an accepting Katniss to bed. He slid some sort of necklace over her and I edged away, offering Finnick the half full bowl.

“I know.” I said at the look he was giving me, “I’m going back to bed...wake me up when either of you want to swap.” He shot me a small smile. Even though I knew he'd reject it I felt the need to offer, “If you want I...”

“It’s fine, go to sleep.”

“Katniss said you were up most of last night.” I don’t know why I was pushing it when it was clear why he wanted to be awake. I bit the inside of my lip, “Just...wake me up in a couple of hours. Don’t wander off anywhere...” I trailed off awkwardly, leaving the bowl in his hands and sliding around the couple, his hand on her stomach, that ploy of pregnancy brought up again.

“You can have the mat.” I offered as well, earning a grateful smile from him, “Unless you want to snuggle.” Johanna muttered something in her sleep and I knew any attempt of joking with Katniss would fall flat.

Both of us were too serious for that, and I’d never have that quick wit of Johanna or Finnick.

“Peeta.” I lowered my voice as he went to head back to Finnick who was sat already staring into the forest around us, “Wake me up in a few hours okay?” He followed my gaze back to my district partner and nodded, obviously catching my drift.

“Sure.”

“Thanks.” I stretched out, shoving up some sort of pillow of sand. I stared up at the stars again, concerned about him. At least being worried about Finnick meant I was less terrified about everything else. Katniss felt asleep quickly and I kept my eyes on her for a few moments, probably too long. But I couldn’t work out her.

I’d assumed she was manipulative, she seemed cold, unable to convince anyone with sense. I knew she was dangerous, that to some degree she did care about Peeta. I shuffled onto my back.

She was dangerous, deadly, even with Finnick and Johanna on my side. And she had no idea, to her there was just one person leaving this arena, her. But I assumed she’d stick with Peeta for as long as possible, but then what? If she killed him, and was too unconvincing without his acting afterwards, she’d fall out of favour instantly.

That was what Snow wanted without a shadow of a doubt.

Fifteen dead in two days. The Careers would be desperate, stocking up, getting ready to hit us again.

Beetee had to be our main priority for now, if he was our way out. I knew he was our way out. I didn’t think she would have it in her to kill him, she’d wanted him originally, from what both Peeta and Johanna had said. And she’d cared for Wiress.

No doubt she saw me as the easiest target, we had no emotional bonds, we’d barely even spoken and it was clear I hadn't exactly been doing well on my own. But she knew Finnick would stand in the way, whatever it was. He couldn’t, not if it meant everything else would fail.

I hated thinking and I tried to stop, hunting for stars my Dad always told me pointed you in certain directions, something that they used even with the compasses and tracking technologies. He said they’d done it for hundreds of years, before Panem. I couldn’t begin to imagine a world before Panem, and it wasn’t really ever spoken about.

None of the constellations were real, none were like home.

My sleep was even more restless, and I was just so aware of his absence, tempted to many times to get us and just walk over. But I knew he’d be happier I was here.

Perhaps, more than anything, I wanted him happy.